Eternal Life Jokes
81 eternal life jokes and hilarious eternal life puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eternal life that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Eternal Life Short Jokes
Short eternal life jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eternal life humour may include short eternal jokes also.
- And God said to John: "Come forth and receive eternal life". But he came fifth and won a toaster.
- I wouldn't be mad. And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- And the Lord said to Peter 'Come forth and receive eternal life' Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
- The Lord said to John: Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life! John ended up coming fifth…
- God and Lazarus God said to Lazarus, "Come forth, and receive eternal life!"
However, Lazarus came fifth and received a toaster. - And so John said to David come forth and you shall win eternal life... But David came fifth and won a toaster
- Lord said unto John: Come forth, and I will give you eternal life. But John came fifth, so he won a microwave.
- And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life" John came fifth and won a blender
- Brain cells die, skin cells die, even hair cells die. But FAT CELLS… must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life.
- 'Come fourth, John' Jesus said, 'and I will give you eternal life.' John came fifth and won a toaster.
Share These Eternal Life Jokes With Friends
Eternal Life One Liners
Which eternal life one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eternal life? I can suggest the ones about everlasting and immortal.
- "Come forth and gain eternal life" said God Dave came fifth and won a toaster
- And god said come forth and revive eternal life ... But he came fifth and won a blender
- I discovered that the secret to eternal life is never dying.
- Jesus said, come forth and win eternal life. John came fifth and got a toaster.
- Only Christians will get this... Eternal life.
- and the lord said unto John, come forth and receive eternal life...
- I hope I will get a girlfriend before I die. It turns out I get an eternal life
- "What we do in life, Echoes for Eternity!!" Well I just f**.....
Eternal Life Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about eternal life you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean afterlife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eternal life pranks.
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leans toward the pastor and hisses, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers, "She made me a better offer."
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.
The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book.
He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also.
"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter.
They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings.
St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house.
The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack.
St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.
The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!"
That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion.
I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?"
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had s**.... "Tarzan not know s**...." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his l**... cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the c**...!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
An old archaeologist is studying late in his museum
He rubs an old lamp and *pooof!* a genie appears.
- Old man, all your life was dedicated to study my culture. To thank you, you can choose one between three wishes : The eternal youth, the neverending wealth or the greatest wisdom of mankind.
- It seems legit. The youth, i know it. I don't need money. I so choose the wisdom.
- So be it. Let the wisdom of all our intellectuals submerges your soul.
The archaeologist feels his brain going faster ... and faster. After a few seconds he looks at his shoes and whispers :
- I'm such an idiot!
A forester and a Lawyer die...
So a Forester and a Lawyer die and go to heaven. They're greeted at the gates by their guide. He motions for them to follow and leads them down a beautiful, gold washed path. At the end of the path they reach a solid gold mansion, glittering in the sun. The Guide turns to the Lawyer and says,"This is where you will spend eternity. We hope it's to your liking." The Lawyer thanks him profusely and enters the mansion.
The guide motions to the Forester and they move on down a beautiful cobble street. They keep going. They pass by giant Victorian neighborhood and still keep going. They pass a regular suburb, then a trailer park, then shacks. Finally they end up on a barely visible dirt path where they reach a lean-to. The guide says,"This is where you will spend eternity. We hope you like it."
The Forester stops the guide and says,"Why do I get the lean-to? I was good my whole life. I never did anything bad. Why does the other guy get a solid gold mansion?"
The guide looks shocked as he replies,"Sir, we get Foresters all the time. That was the first Lawyer we have ever had."
God said to John, "Come forth and recieve eternal life."
But John came fifth, and received a toaster instead.
Praying and Sleeping
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
The ladder to success
A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.
The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.
He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.
"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."
A young religious couple is about to get married
When their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom.
"Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?"
Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do.
While he's gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is 'til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.
Days later, Saint Peter comes back. "It was tough," he said, "but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two."
"That's all good and fine," says the couple, "but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?"
Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, "It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
The lord said to Abraham, "Come forth and I'll give you eternal life."
Abraham came fifth.
He won a toaster.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"...
But John came fifth and had to eat the biscuit.
The Man and the Genie.
A genie appears to a man and offers him three wishes. However, the genie explains there are a few stipulations. None of these wishes can have anything to do with eternal life, s**..., or money. The man mulls it over for a minute and finally looks up at the genie.
"I think I'm good then."
Come forth...
God: John,come forth and you shall receive eternal life!
But john came third and won a toaster.
Hurricane Katrina
An old gentleman from New Orleans gets to heaven and is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "You have to pick one story that describes your life and that is the only story you may tell for all of eternity."
The man thinks about it and decides he is going to tell the story of Hurricane Katrina. He looks at St. Peter and says "I wish to tell the story of Hurricane Katrina and the great flood that nearly destroyed my town."
St. Peter looked at him and "my son, that is a great story but remember Noah is also here."
Jesus said unto John, "Come fourth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
A Pope and a Jewish Accountant die...
So a Jewish accountant and the Pope die at the same time, and arrive at the pearly gates simultaneously. So St. Peter takes the two of them to where they will be staying for the rest of eternity. Peter leads the accountant to a huge palace, with dames and a heavenly garden. He then leads the Pope to a little shack. The Pope says, "After all of my life's dedication, I get this?" And St. Peter says, "Your Holiness, we have many Popes up here, but this is the first Jewish accountant!"
Tarzan learns about s**...
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him.
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had s**...?
Tarzan not know s**... he replied.
Jane explained to him what s**... was.
Tarzan said ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.
Horrified Jane said,Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
Here she said, pointing to her privates,you must put it in here.
Tarzan removed his l**... cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the c**...!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed What did you do that for?
Tarzan replied, Check for squirrel.
A Priest Visits an Eskimo
One day a priest decided to spread the good word of Jesus to the frozen wastes of the far north. He found an Eskimo huddled up in his cozy igloo trying to stay warm. The priest invited himself in and began to teach the Eskimo about the word of God. A few hours later, the priest felt that the stories of all the miracles made by Jesus and of eternal life in heaven would be sufficient enough to convert the Eskimo to Christianity. The Eskimo, remaining silent all this time, said "So is it true that those who do not know of God and of sin will still find eternal life in heaven?" The priest, eager to get a response out of the Eskimo, responded "Why, of course! God would never abandon his lost children!" The Eskimo, becoming irritated by this intruder, retorted, "Then why did you tell me?!"
And God said to Peter, "come forth and I shall give you eternal life"
Unfortunately Peter came fifth and won a toaster
Then God said, come fourth john, for you will have eternal life...
But john came Fifth and won a free toaster
So these two ladies die
and are waiting in purgatory to hear the results of their life audit. A door opens and two men walk in. An angel walks in with an ugly, hunch backed gremlin of a man. The angel says "Nancy, in 1982 you killed a duck, your punishment will be to spend your eternal life with this man". He slaps the the shackles on each of their arms and are sent off for eternity. A little while later another angel walks in with a gorgeous hunky stud. He slaps the shackle on her and the handsome man and are sent on their way. During their walk shes thinking she must have be a good person during her life on earth, when she's interrupted by the man's muttering "I shouldn't have killed that duck".
Three women go to heaven...
Upon entering the pearly gates God states, "You can live a blissful life with anything you can dream of for all eternity. However, you must not step on any of the ducks!" The women look around to see the floor crowded with waddling ducks. Years go by without a hiccup. Finally after 10 years the first woman makes the dreaded mistake and steps on a duck. Immediately she in handcuffed to the most hideous, grotesque man she has ever seen. God states, "This shall remain for all eternity!" Five years later the second women makes the same crucial mistake and "p**...!" another hideous mate handcuffed for the rest of time. Finally after decades, "p**...!" the final women is suddenly strapped to the most handsome, perfect man she has ever seen. She screams to God, "What did I do to be so lucky?!!" At that moment the man looks over and says, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck!"
And Lord said unto John...
"Come forth and receive eternal life"
But John came 5th... He got a toaster
The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and be awarded eternal life"
John came fifth and was awarded a toaster
And then the lord said......
...come forth and you shall be granted eternal life...But i came fifth and won a toaster instead!
Which is cool because i did not have a toaster
Eternal life
Police have arrested a man for selling pills that promise eternal life.
Records show that it was the fourth time he has been arrested. His previous arrests were in 1760,1839, and 1946.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
*Last post of this was 6 months ago from my quick search, reposting because it is hilarious.*
Russian Nursery Rhyme
Row row row your boat all the way to Vladivostok
Life is eternal struggle towards an inevitable death
Drink v**... till you sleep
Jesus told John
Come forth and receive eternal life.
But poor John came in fifth and received a toaster.
"Come forth and I shall grant you eternal life", said God unto John.
But John came in fifth and won a toaster.
Then the Lord told John to come fourth to receive eternal life
But he came fifth and received a toaster
God said unto John, "Come Fourth and you shall receive eternal life."
But John came fifth and won $20.
And God Said To Adam
Come forth and yee shall receive eternal life. But Adam came fifth and got a toaster.
God said to John ' Come forth and i'll give you eternal life '.
John came 5th and got a toaster instead
I now understand why people talk about crossfit so much.
Jesus did it, got eternal life, and people worship him. Who wouldn't like that?
Say what you will about Trump's Presidency, but you can't overlook what he has accomplished in terms of healthcare specifically life expectancy...
He managed to turn one year into something that feels like an eternity.
My favorite lame joke
And God said unto John: Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life.
But john came fifth, and won a toaster.
I know, it's s**... and overused, but it's my favorite...
God said to Jacob "Come forth and recieve eternal life"
But he came fifth and won a tomato knife.
Jesus said "Come forth, and you will recieve eternal life....
But you came fitfh and one a toaster.
And lord told upon John "come forth and get eternal life"
...but John came fifth and won a toaster
A man dies and arrives at the gates of heaven.
St Peter welcomes him with "this is the gate to eternal happiness, to enter you must tell me a selfless action you did in your life on earth."
The man thinks for a while and replies "Well there was this one time... this kid knocked over some motor cycles and a group of angry drunken bikers came out threatening to kill him. Naturally I felt bad for the kid so I stepped in to stop them. I asked for the leader of the group and told him we were gonna settle it like men."
St Peter was impressed "Wow! When did this happen?"
Looking at his watch the man responds "about 35 seconds ago."
j**... came to me in a dream last night and said "come fourth and recieve eternal life"
I came 5th 😐
Jesus Spoke to his Followers
Jesus spoke to his followers from atop a podium.
"Come forth, and win eternal life!"
John came 5th and won a toaster.
The Lord said: "come forth and gain eternal life"
But instead he came fifth and won a toaster
And so the Lord said unto John, come forth, and you shall receive the gift of eternal life.
But John came fifth, and received a $10 subway gift card
And the LORD said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Old but gold.
Stolen off the internet. Enjoy
Thanks for playing, John
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".
John came fifth and won a toaster.
A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...
God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.
The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.
God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.
The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?
That one. Enjoy eternity!
And the Lord said to John; come forth and you will have eternal life...
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
And the Lord said unto John, Come forth and you shall receive eternal life.
But John came fifth and received a toaster.
The Lord said to John "Come forth and recieve eternal life"
But John came in fifth and won a Best Buy gift card.
God said, "Come forth, John, and you shall recieve eternal life"
John came fifth and won a microwave oven
And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"
... but John came in fifth and won a toaster.
Brain cells die, skin cells die, hair cells die
But fat cells must have accepted jesus as their lord savior because of their eternal life
A friend asked what's the secret to eternal life?
Saying or doing something s**... on the internet. That s**... will never be forgotten and you'll go down in history forever.