Eternal Jokes
84 eternal jokes and hilarious eternal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eternal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article looks at eternal jokes and their underlying messages about eternal life and the pursuit of immortality. From an eternal optimist's perspective, an eternity of torment and tormenting might just be the price of perpetual existence. Learn more about the implications of eternal jokes and how they might relate to immortality.
Funniest Eternal Short Jokes
Short eternal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eternal humour may include short everlasting jokes also.
- Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in Me: Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma
Devil: You understand this is why you're here, right? - And God said to John: "Come forth and receive eternal life". But he came fifth and won a toaster.
- I wouldn't be mad. And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- There's a greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity. The river sticks
- And the Lord said to Peter 'Come forth and receive eternal life' Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
- What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness? Me, I'm a divorce lawyer
- Lord said unto John: Come forth, and I will give you eternal life. But John came fifth, so he won a microwave.
- I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, And the end of every place. What am I? The letter 'e'.
- What’s the difference between an accordion heaven and hell? In heaven, the music is divine, and in hell, it’s an eternal polka party.
- Did you hear about the dyslexic guy that sold his soul to Satan? He is now forced to make presents in the North Pole for all eternity.
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Eternal One Liners
Which eternal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eternal? I can suggest the ones about immortal and eternity.
- What's the meaning of eternal love? Two blind people playing tennis.
- What`s the definition of eternity? The time between when you come and when she leaves.
- Whats longer, forever or eternity? Eternity. It has 8 letters.
- What's the definition of eternity 4 blondes at a 4 way stop
- Did you hear about elon musk sending a tesla car into space? To *drift* for all eternity
- I discovered that the secret to eternal life is never dying.
- If you believe in eternity then You believe there is no end. omega mistake if you ask me!
- Jesus died on a Friday That's why on Black Friday we get eternal savings.
- Why won't you find any gondolas in the Eternal City? Because Rome wasn't built in a bay.
- Why did Nietzche's Shop go out of business? He accepted eternal returns.
- What's grey, has wings and feels like eternity for swine? A Pigeon
- Only Christians will get this... Eternal life.
- and the lord said unto John, come forth and receive eternal life...
- I hope I will get a girlfriend before I die. It turns out I get an eternal life
- Why do frat bros hate fruit loops? They're eternally disappointed by two-can Sam.
Eternal Life Jokes
Here is a list of funny eternal life jokes and even better eternal life puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Eternal life Police have arrested a man for selling pills that promise eternal life.
Records show that it was the fourth time he has been arrested. His previous arrests were in 1760,1839, and 1946. - Brain cells die, skin cells die, hair cells die But fat cells must have accepted jesus as their lord savior because of their eternal life
- Jesus said unto John, "Come fourth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- God said to Jacob "Come forth and recieve eternal life" But he came fifth and won a tomato knife.
- Then the Lord told John to come fourth to receive eternal life But he came fifth and received a toaster
- And then the lord said...... ...come forth and you shall be granted eternal life...But i came fifth and won a toaster instead!
Which is cool because i did not have a toaster - I now understand why people talk about crossfit so much. Jesus did it, got eternal life, and people worship him. Who wouldn't like that?
- Jesus Spoke to his Followers Jesus spoke to his followers from atop a podium.
"Come forth, and win eternal life!"
John came 5th and won a toaster.
Uplifting Eternal Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about eternal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean endless jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eternal pranks.
An old archaeologist is studying late in his museum
He rubs an old lamp and *pooof!* a genie appears.
- Old man, all your life was dedicated to study my culture. To thank you, you can choose one between three wishes : The eternal youth, the neverending wealth or the greatest wisdom of mankind.
- It seems legit. The youth, i know it. I don't need money. I so choose the wisdom.
- So be it. Let the wisdom of all our intellectuals submerges your soul.
The archaeologist feels his brain going faster ... and faster. After a few seconds he looks at his shoes and whispers :
- I'm such an idiot!
People come and go...
but Facebook is eternal.
The problem with getting married in heaven..
On their way to get married a couple gets into a fatal car accident. They are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to turn up and register them. While they're waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone's ever asked. Let me go and
find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits around for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all, What if it doesn ' t work out, they wonder. Are we stuck together forever?
St. Peter returns after another month looking somewhat worn out. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in heaven. "
" Great , " says the couple, " but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven? "
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What ' s wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"Christ!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to find a lawyer? "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Man and the Genie.
A genie appears to a man and offers him three wishes. However, the genie explains there are a few stipulations. None of these wishes can have anything to do with eternal life, s**..., or money. The man mulls it over for a minute and finally looks up at the genie.
"I think I'm good then."
I went to a blind fortune teller the other day
She looked into her crystal ball, and she told me there is eternal darkness in my future.
Jesus tells Peter, "Come forth and you shall have eternal glory!"
Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
Century lasts 100 years
Decade - 10 years
Eternal love - 2 weeks
"I quit smoking" - 2 days
In exchange for eternal youth, Amanda promised a witch her firstborn child.
amanda's a lesbian.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...
... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely a**.... So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.
I am eternally grateful to whoever donated organs for my surgery...
I'll always hold a little piece of them close to my heart.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One time in band camp...
They threatened me with eternal t**....
Oh wait that was Bible camp.
Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says...
"With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy."
Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it."
And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian Nursery Rhyme
Row row row your boat all the way to Vladivostok
Life is eternal struggle towards an inevitable death
Drink v**... till you sleep
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Optimism
The eternal belief that you're always one-third of the way to a t**....
The bible says that heaven is 1500 miles wide and 1500 miles high, built out of gold as clear as glass.
There are going to be a lot of birds dying in the eternal paradise...
Why is it so easy to stay up late, but waking up in the morning is an eternal struggle?
Things at motion tend to stay in motion, while things at rest tend to stay at rest.
One day...
God came to Jake and said," Come forth my child, and thou shall receive eternal youth." But Jake came fifth and won a toaster.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Asked the Priest for forgiveness because I ate a dog today
Asked the Priest for forgiveness because I ate a dog today.
He said I would suffer eternal dalmatian.
...And Jesus said to Peter, "Come fourth, and you shall receive eternal glory!"
But Peter came fifth, and had to eat the biscuit.
Why is a cheeseburger better than eternal happiness?
1. Nothing is better than eternal happiness.
2. A cheeseburger is better than nothing.
I don't get people who talk about bread crumbs as if they were eternal
It's all teumpural any way.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favorite lame joke
And God said unto John: Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life.
But john came fifth, and won a toaster.
I know, it's s**... and overused, but it's my favorite...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend just told me our love is like an eternal candle....
If you forget about me, I burn your house down.
When the logician was given a choice between eternal bliss and a ham salad, which one did he choose?
Ham salad, because nothing is better than eternal bliss, and ham salad is better than nothing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus said "Come forth, and you will recieve eternal life....
But you came fitfh and one a toaster.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I made a Mobius s**... out of black and white dog fur,
would it result in eternal dalmation?
A man dies and arrives at the gates of heaven.
St Peter welcomes him with "this is the gate to eternal happiness, to enter you must tell me a selfless action you did in your life on earth."
The man thinks for a while and replies "Well there was this one time... this kid knocked over some motor cycles and a group of angry drunken bikers came out threatening to kill him. Naturally I felt bad for the kid so I stepped in to stop them. I asked for the leader of the group and told him we were gonna settle it like men."
St Peter was impressed "Wow! When did this happen?"
Looking at his watch the man responds "about 35 seconds ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
j**... came to me in a dream last night and said "come fourth and recieve eternal life"
I came 5th 😐
Bread with butter is better than eternal bliss
Because what's better than eternal bliss? Nothing.
And bread & butter is still better than nothing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call an extremely durable, hydro-powered country?
Eternal d**...
Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.
News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.
Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.
God said to Moses, come fourth and you shall receive eternal power.
He ended up coming fifth, and just received a filled up bath and toaster. (I read this in the bible btw)
A man asked a wise Guru: "What is the secret to eternal happiness?"
The wise Guru answered: "To not argue with fools."
The man says: "I disagree."
The wise Guru replied: "Yes, you are right."
Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.
The other is the Sith.
The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A friend asked what's the secret to eternal life?
Saying or doing something s**... on the internet. That s**... will never be forgotten and you'll go down in history forever.
A man woke up sobbing
"The world is a cruel uncaring void!" he cried. "Pleasure is fleeting but pain is eternal! Hope is a mirage! What cruel God made this reality!?"
Next to him, his wife stirred.
"Oh honey...is it Monday already...?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to h**......
A man dies and goes to h**.... There he meets the devil, who is going to show him to the place he will be for all eternity.
The man is escorted into an ordinary room, with a bunch of people standing around drinking coffee.
The only odd thing is everyone in the room is knee deep in s**....
"Well...here we are" says the devil
The man looks around and thinks to himself that his eternal place in h**... could be a whole lot worse.
As the devil walks out he says, "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads."
At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.
The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.
The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.
"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.
Everyone present turned their gazes to the dean, who was illuminated by a faint halo.
A colleague whispered, "Tell me something."
The dean, who had gained eternal wisdom, sighed and said, "I should have chosen eternal riches."
Helen Keller's Favorite Joke
What do you call two blind people playing tennis?
Eternal love.
