Establishes Jokes
107 establishes jokes and hilarious establishes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about establishes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Establishes Short Jokes
Short establishes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The establishes humour may include short jokes also.
- If Elon Musk's space company establishes a mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x.
- McDonald's has paused operations in Russia. They've successfully established a No Fry Zone.
- Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity. You know who you are.
- Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest? Because it would be economically unsound to attempt to establish a pharmaceutical distribution network in such a sparsely populated area
- My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space We don't seem to have established a functional continuum
- What do you call the an ant in a colony who is responsible for establishing incoming trade deals with other ant colonies? Import-ant
- If a Republican candidate who is hated by the GOP establishment and loathed by half the country just won the election... ...maybe Hillary should consider running as a Republican!
- Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news First the good news: we definitely established that you are not a hypochondriac.
- A Chinese pan, an establishment for accommodation and drinks, a number, and Abraham Rockefeller... Wok inn two Abe R.
- What did the white collar executive say to the low-income disenfranchised youth? Nothing. Social dichotomy prevents the establishment of dialogue.
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Establishes One Liners
Which establishes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with establishes? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Once you've seen one establishment with multiple stores in it You've seen the mall
- Authorized, Bona Fide, Established... those are some Legit synonyms.
- Why did the saloon owner destroy his establishment? He wanted to raze the bar...
- I was in a portable toilet establishment there was no silverware.
- I'd like to establish a new city, a proud city. Gucci, Maine.
- An establishment the serves soup is a Brothel
- What's a conservatives favorite hotel? The White Establishment
- Which duck will destroy the establishment? None, ducks are not allowed in politics.
- I stopped leaning against walls because I couldn't trust the establishment...
- What do you call a mexican in a parking lot A well established individual
- What is H1B for "Come here often?" ? Visit this establishment frequently ?
- What do you call an establishment that illegally sells alcohol to Mexicans? a s**...-easy
Establishes Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about establishes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make establishes pranks.
There was a young rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces to the congregation that he will be leaving for a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a silence. No one wants him to leave. Cohen, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new BMW every year, and his lovely wife with a Range Rover, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs and applauds. Feinstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands up and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a college fund to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and applause. Old Mrs. Horowitz, aged 96, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I will have s**... with him!" There is a silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Horowitz, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mrs. Horowitz answers, "I just asked Mr. Horowitz what we could do to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Horowitz said,"F*c**... the rabbi."
Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for £1 million?
Woman: Why Winston, yes I would.
Churchill: What about £10?
Woman: What sort of woman do you think I am?
Churchill: We have already established what sort of woman you are, now we are just negotiating the price.
Aboard a train a man turns to a woman and asks "would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
...She thinks about it and decides that she would. "Would you do it for $10?" he asks. "Ugh, no!" she replies. "What do you take me for?"--"I Thought we already established that and now we are haggling for the price."
I am looking for other military jokes.
**What's The Difference?**
Do you want to know the difference between the branches of the U.S. military? If you say to them "Secure that building!"
* THE ARMY will go in k**... down doors, lay down suppressive fire, neutralize all hostiles and safely recover any civilians.
* THE MARINES will set up a razor wire perimiter, establish patrols, and deny access to unauthorized personnel.
* THE NAVY will unplug the coffee maker and turn off the computers and lights before leaving for the day.
* THE AIR FORCE will lease it for six years, with an option to buy.
A young Russian hockey star comes to America...
After joining a team in the NHL, he quickly establishes himself as a prodigy, and leads them to the Stanley cup in his first year.
He calls his mother to tell her the good news, but she replies; "Don't call here anymore, you're no son of mine."
"But mother, I'm a star, the people in town love me!"
She replies; "Alright, mister star, let me tell YOU something. Last week, your younger brother got jumped by hoodlums just walking home from school. Yesterday, your sister got assaulted right in our front yard. And there's gunshots all around us every night."
She sighs and says "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Detroit."
Yee-haw
Emotional extremes
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
A string walks into a bar
and orders a drink. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings in this establishment." So the string goes outside, messes up his hair, does some twists and walks back into the bar. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that string that tried to buy a drink earlier?" The string says to the bartender, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
The right price
A man approaches a woman in a bar:
-- Miss, if I offer you a million dollars, would you agree to have s**... with me?
-- Yes, of course.
-- But what if I give you only $50?
-- Are you crazy? What kind of woman do you think I am?
-- That's what we established earlier, now I'm just trying to negotiate the price.
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
Genie with a flaw
A guy walks into a bar. He sets a bag onto the bar, orders three shots of whiskey, and slams them all back.
The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what's the problem?"
The guy reaches into the bag, pulls out a little piano, then set it on the bar. He reaches back inside, pulls out a little stool, and sets it in front of the piano. He reaches in one more time, pulls out a little man, and sits him on the stool. The man then proceeds to play a wonderful sonata that fills the establishment and leaves the patrons in awe.
"Wow, that was great!" exclaimed the bartender. "Where'd you find this guy?"
The man reaches into the bag one last time and pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says "Rub it."
The bartender rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says "I shall grant you one wish, whatever your heart desires."
"I want a million bucks!" the bartender shouts.
"It shall be done." And
A minute later, a duck walks into the bar. And then another duck, and then another. Soon the bar is full of ducks.
"Hey buddy," the bartender says to the man. "I think your genie is a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Yeah," said the man. "Do you think I really asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Blessed car
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.
Emergency Landing
A pilot was flying at night when his engine quit, so he hurriedly looked up what to do in the flight manual.
"First, establish a stable glide speed. Turn the landing light on. If the terrain appears unsuitable for a forced landing, turn the landing light off."
We give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket; and then ask ask them to empty the bathtub...
While I was being given a tour of a mental asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?
The doctor answered, We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
I see, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's much bigger than the spoon or the cup.
No, said the doctor, a normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?
A guy walks into a Bar....
..and walks up to a beautiful woman. He asks her if she would have s**... with him for $10,000. She thinks about and says she would. He then asks her if she would have s**... with him for $100. Disgusted, she declares, What kind of woman do you think I am? He replies, we have already established that, now I'm just negotiating price.
What is the difference between a drinking establishment and an elephant's f**...?
One is a bar-room and the other is a BAROOOM!
I spot a beautiful woman in a night club,
I approach her and ask if she will have s**... with me for a million dollars. She smiles and says "sure thing handsome" I return the smile and ask if she would have s**... with me for a hundred dollars. She looks offended and says "what kind of woman do you think I am?" I say "we have already established that, I'm just negotiating the price".
A man walks up to an older woman
and asks her
"Excuse me miss, if I were to give you a million dollars would you have s**... with me?"
The woman takes a moment to think about it and stares at the man, before smiling and finally deciding to say
"I'll do it!"
The man says
"Great! Now, would you do it for a dollar?"
And the woman immediately looks disgusted and responds with
"Of course not! What sort of woman do you take me for?"
And the man says
"We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just discussing price!"
Old Joe and the miner
A grizzled old miner comes out of the wilderness and steps into the pub. Pulling out a gold nugget and placing it on the bar he asks the bartender "You got any whiskey in this establishment?"
The bartender complies and places a glass and a bottle in front of the miner.
After a few drinks the miner asks the bartender "You got any women in this establishment?"
The bartender replies "No, but we've got old Joe out back."
The miner shakes his head and says. "It's been a long while, but I'm not into that sort of thing."
After quite a few more drinks he calls the bartender over again and says "So lets say I was into that sort of thing after all, who would have to know about it?"
"Just you, me and those guys at the table over there" replies the bartender.
"Those guys? Why would those guys need to know?" asks the miner
"Well they gotta hold Old Joe down. He's not into that sort of thing either."
An old joke from East Germany
A German worker gets a job in Siberia. Aware of how all mail will be read by censors, he tells his friends: "Let's establish a code: if a letter you will get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it is true; if it is written in red ink, it is false."
After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink: "Everything is wonderful here: stores are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, movie theaters show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affair—the only thing unavailable is *red ink*."
The Smiths invite the Jones' over for dinner...
After dinner, Mrs. Smith is cleaning dishes in the kitchen while Mr. Smith entertains their guests. He begins to tell them about a great restaurant that he recently went to with his wife, but can't remember the name of the establishment.
Mr. Smith: "The food was amazing, great service, but I can't recall the name! Help me out... what's that red flower, it's really fragrant, and people give them out on Valentine's Day?"
The Jones': "You mean a rose?"
Mr. Smith: "Yes that's it! HEY ROSE! WHAT WAS THAT RESTAURANT WE ATE AT LAST WEEK?!"
The Night's Watch opens a drinking establishment to attract new brothers.
They call it the Crow Bar.
The business deal...
A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders 50.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50 and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each.
Business is Business!
A man at a party sees a very attractive woman
He walks up and says, "You are beautiful and I have to have you. Would you sleep with me for $2,000?"
"Yes." She says.
He walks away and comes back and says, "Would you sleep with me for $20?"
She gets angry and says, "What kind of woman do you thing I am!?"
Guy says, "We've already established that. Now we are simply negotiating the price. "
An economist found himself one night in a bar standing beside a gorgeous woman.
"Would you be willing to sleep with me for $1 million? he asked her.
She looked him over. There wasn't much to see—but still, $1 million! She agreed to go back to his room.
All right then, he said. Would you be willing to sleep with me for $100?
A hundred dollars! she shot back. What do you think I am, a p**...?
We've already established that. Now we're just negotiating the price.
What's the difference between an establishment where alcohol is served and an elephant passing gas?
One is a Bar Room, the other is a BAROOOM!
A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.
He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established what you are. I'm just trying to negotiate a better price."
A local establishment wants to press charges on me for getting an e**... on their property.
Luckily for me, they have no hard evidence.
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer...
...were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.
I want to open a drinking establishment without any furniture.
It'll be the best around, Bar None.
A man asks a woman if she would have s**... with him for a Million dollars.
The woman says "yes!"
The man then asks "Would you have s**... with me for one dollar?"
"NO! what do you think I am?!" she replies
"I think we already established that, now we're just negotiating"
I was talking to a girl about the establishment of the 4th r**... when a girl told me that I was being politically incorrect
Apparently the proper term is "European Union"
Using high powered gamma rays, creatures on Mars have established total mind control over Donald. And Hillary. And the liberal press. And the Alt-right.
Hey, all I know is what I read on Facebook.
(But it explains everything!)
Why do people say that Canadians always want to establish that they're Canadian?
As a Canadian, this offends me.
'Knock knock'
'Who's there'
'Okay Google'
'Okay Google, who?'
'Sorry I didn't catch that'
'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?'
'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. '
Blondes
A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions. On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?" The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?" The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?" The blonde responded, "20, right?" Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?" "Is it 3?" said the blonde. The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
An Atom walks into a drinking establishment
He sits down and orders a drink and then all of a sudden he starts crying. The bartender walks over and asks : "is everything okay?"
To which the Atom replies: " I lost an electron..". "Are you sure you lost it?" the bartender asks concerned. To which the atom replies:" I am fairly positive "
Letter from North Korea
When my friend moved to North Korea, he knew his mail would be read by censors, so he told me: "Let's establish a code. If a letter you get from me is written in blue ink, it is true what I say. If it is written in red ink, it is false."
After a month, I got the first letter. Everything was written in blue. It said, this letter: "Everything is wonderful here. Stores are full of good food. Movie theaters show good films from the west. Apartments are large and luxurious. The only thing you cannot buy is red ink."
Would you screw me for half a mil?
Guy: Would you bang me for 500K?
Girl: Are you serious?
Guy: Yes.
Girl: Then yes.
Guy: Would you bang me for 50 cents?
Girl: What do you think I am?
Guy: We've established that. I'm negotiating.
A man sees a beautiful woman...
...and he asks her: would you be willing to sleep with me if I pay you 1,000,000 dollars?
She blushes, and replies: I guess so.
He then says: What about for 20 dollars?
The woman is greatly offended and replies indignantly: What kind of woman do you think I am??
He: We've already established that. Now we're just negotiating the price.
I heard OJ was free today
That's the joke. Just relay it to any wait staff at your favorite breakfast establishment.
EA to donate 50% of profits from future titles to starving children around the world.
After they make them purchase the postage, packing materials, fuel for the planes, silverware, plates, drinking cups, seasonings, construct hand out facilities, eating establishments, refuse disposal, environmental studies on said refuse disposal, labor costs and finally any and all expenses from Frank Gaybeau's c**... induced, hotel filled, 5 figure by the hour e**... stuffed full on satanic o**... fest.
A man sees a woman in a bar...
A man sees a woman in a bar and asks, "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
The woman is startled at first, but replies, "My goodness! Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course..."
The man turns away from her and says, "I've changed my mind. Would you sleep with me for five dollars?"
The woman then says, "Of course not! What kind of woman do you think I am?"
The man says, "Madam, we've already established that. Now we're just negotiating.
A bartender looks around his establishment and spots 2 Corinthians out of the corner of his eye...
He then shouts "HEY! WHERE THE f**...'S THE REST OF MY BIBLE!?"
3 Men and a Woman are stranded on an Island
Like everyone, they try to establish contact to other people at first and they build a shelter.
After about 3 Weeks the Men approach the Woman with a proposal to let one of the 3 have s**... with her every other day so that everyones s**... drive could be fulfilled.
The Woman agrees and they have a great year together. However, shortly after the 14th Month of being stranded, the woman dies.
The first week is tough for the men, but they try to boost eachothers morale.
The second week is almost unbearable.
The third week makes them feel so bad they want to die.
In the fourth week they finally decide that they should bury her corpse.
There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...
...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...
Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:
- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
The woman giggles.
- Of course I would!
- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?
The woman looks disgusted.
- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?
- That's already been established. Now we're just haggling about the price.
A Chinese pan, an Establishment for accommodation and drinks, the 2nd whole positive integer, and Abraham Ramsey
Wok Inn Two Abe R
An economist goes up to a girl he fancies at a bar.
He asks her, "I'll give you a million dollars if you will have s**... at me."
The woman, taken back by the offer, sizes up the economist and agrees.
Now the economist adds, "Actually, I changed my mind. I'd rather do it with you in turn for a hundred dollars."
The woman being insulted, retorted, "What am I, some p**...?"
"Oh, we already established that. Now we're just negotiating price. "
One night...
100000 pascals met up and established a bar. Then they've invited 1325 more pascals for a good atmosphere.
No leader or government should establish communism in their country...
...after all, in history, there have been so many red flags.
The World is ending. The God's wrath is upon us. Beavers have become sentient and established a country of theur own.
It is a Dam Nation.
What do you call a person that won't let people with over 30 size waist or Elmer Fudd into their establishment?
Waistist
Fun fact: Gauge Theory is the instantaneous rate of change calculated off a pre established baseline. A 12 gauge is how Kurt Cobain died.
3 Journalists walk into a Saudi consulate...
...the entire globalist media establishment goes batshit.
Why did the Jews in Germany not establish an organization against the Holocaust?
There was too little interest.
I started a new construction themed drinking establishment called the CrowBar
Surprisingly difficult to open
What's the difference between true communism and unhindered capitalism.
One spies on the people, removes privacy for the sake of the masses, and props up an establishment that serves only the lucky few.
And the other fortunately never caught on in America.
A man saw this very pretty lady and decided to shoot his shot.
Man: "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?"
Woman: "My goodness, I suppose so, shall we discuss the terms?"
Man: "How about ten dollars?"
Woman: "What kind of woman do you take me for?"
Man: "Ma'am, we've already established that. We are now just haggling about the price."
A man walks into a bar.
He has a pleasant evening drinking with his girlfriend and buddies until the establishment closes.
As he is leaving he steps into a bar
-wood taxi, which he called to take him home.
As the taxi driver is pulling away he hits a bar.
To start the meter.
As the man enters his building he hits a bar.
To open the main entrance.
He steps into a bar,
of artificial light as he pushes the button for the elevator.
Then the man walks into a bar.
Swung directly at his head by his angry wife.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question, a superfluously expanded vocabulary, and a blatant disregard for previously established axioms?
A punchline.
Attention Nerds!
It would be so much easier if humans came with an error message just like computers do.
Imagine sitting in a restaurant and failing miserably at flirting with the waitress.
"Warning! Error establishing connection with the Server"
My team decided to establish a tradition
Everyone on the team would sit in a circle surrounding the team captain before the start of the season. He would then headbutt the ball at one of us, and they would have to headbutt it back at him. The captain would then headbutt it at the person sitting next to them. This would repeat as it cycled through the circle. We tried to get it consistently through the circle as many times as we could. The more times we completed a circle, the better the season would be. We had to stop this tradition, though. Recently, as much as it pains me to say, it caused a death. Kevin was the best teammate we ever had. Our bowling team just won't be the same without him.
A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress
But he wasn't so successful in doing so. The error message read:
`Error: failed to establish connection with server. `
A sign on an establishment reads "No all-knowing beings permitted."
The second line reads "You know what you did."