essential Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious essential puns

Which chord is essential to every Christian song?

Gsus

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An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...

After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.

Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!

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CIA assessment center

After the standard round of interviews, a good dozen of applicants sit before the director of the CIA office.

"Trust is central to our business, ladies and gentlemen. Still, intelligence, precision and punctuality are nearly as essential. So, to the test: You have an envelope with a coded address on it. It contains important top secret data for someone in this office building. Get this sensitive information to him."

The applicants scurry away with their red labeled envelopes, each trying to crack the code and simultaneously making their way through the labyrinthine vastness of the CIA office building.

Only one applicant rounds the corner and, after looking left and right, breaks the "TOP SECRET" seal and rips open the envelope. Inside, he finds a sheet of paper, that says: "Misuse of trust is central to our business. Come back to my office to sign your contract."

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Celibacy (searched but didn't find...)

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.
Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?

Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

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The Bible says 'a man who lies with another man should be stoned'

I mean, it's not essential, but it helps.

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Why didn't the POTUS go golfing during the shutdown, since only essential personnel are needed?

Does anyone know the answer?

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Doc: "Is this better, or is this better?"

Patient: "They're both terrible..."
Doc: "OK, C.... or D?"
Patient: "Why does it even matter?"
Doc: "E... or F?"
Patient: "Who cares... Everything is awful..."
Doc: "Okay sir, you're going to have to leave."
Patient: "Whatever"

And that, my friends, illustrates the essential difference between pessimists and optometrists.

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Statistics are like a bikini

What it reveals is suggestive, but what it conceals is essential.

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What item of clothing is essential for a spy?

Sneakers

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Before an argument, I always make sure to spread cocaine on a mound of dirt.

Having the high ground is essential.

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We have essentially Elected 4chan for the 45th president of the United States.

This is a day that will go down in Infameme.

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I have now survived 21,364 days and 13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale.

Thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.

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It's actually very easy to become a successful beat boxer. You only need two essential items:

Boots and cats

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Why did Kierkegaard think omelettes gave meaning to life?

Because they're eggs essential.

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Balanced diet...

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
β€”Alex Levine

(Both a quote and a chuckle.)

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Essential oils are bullshit.

I've drank three bottles and now I have a headache AND diarrhea.

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Want to get an idea how important you are during a government shutdown?

IRS REFUND department: Non-essential
IRS Audit department.: Essential

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Essential Oils found to help with Polio

They are effective in cases of polio to lubricate the seal between between the one's neck, and the iron lung.

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Proper sanitation is an important aspect of one's life.

Some might say it's an essential COMMODE-ity

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I dumped my kids toys in a bowl full of essential oils

I made Toypourri

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What tool is essential for all social situations?

An ice pick. (to break the ice)

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What kind of vegetable is essential at any high-class party?

Collared greens.




Killing self now.

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What is the most essential part of any joke?

The way that the punchline of the joke is delivered.

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My wife got me some essential oils to rub into my beard.

I'm just not sure I need them.

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How Important are Cents?

They are very essential.

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What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

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What are the most funny Essential jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Essential? Well, here are the best Essential dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Essential pick up lines to share with friends.

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