epic Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious epic puns

A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your chest is fucking epic."

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Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

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The average person has sex 90 times a year.

Man this going to be an epic new years eve!

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All these video games with epic orchestral music scores.

Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games.

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The epic journey of the sperm cell

Once upon a time, a brand new sperm cell was being instructed by an older sperm cell.

"Right," he said, "this is what's going to happen: one day you'll be having a nap and you'll hear a siren. You rush out as fast as can, make absolutely sure you swim as hard as you can, because you HAVE to be first! You'll enter a long, wet pink tunnel, and you have to swim right to the end. When you get to the end, you'll see a round red ball. You say to the ball: 'Hi, I'm a sperm cell,' and the round red ball will say: 'Hi, I'm an egg cell,' and then the miracle of conception will occur."

"Don't worry sir," said the new sperm cell, "I won't let you down!"

A little while later, the new sperm cell is having a nap and he hears the siren!

Fast as lightning, he dashes off, swimming as fast as can. He enters the wet pink tunnel, looks behind himself and sees other sperm cells catching up to him, so he swims even faster! Furthur into the pink tunnel he swims, till he looks behind and realises he's first!

Finally, after he thinks he can't carry on any longer, he sees the round red ball.

"Yes," he cries out, "I've made it! Hi, I'm a sperm cell."

The round red ball turns to him and says: "Hi, I'm a tonsil."

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Two martial artists...

...are arguing over who would win a fight between a skilled swordsman carrying a broadsword and a master wielder of an ÊpÊe. They agree that the only way to settle the argument is actually to fight one another, each using one of the two weapons. An epic battle ensues and then, the two swordsmen feinted.

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I was on a date with a girl that works at Epic Games...

She was unreal.

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People need to learn how to take a compliment...

Just today I complimented the most epic mustache I've ever seen and the lady didn't even say thanks.

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Koala and Lizard get high

One day, Koala is sitting up in a tree getting stoned. Lizard is walking by underneath, and looks up and sees Koala. "Yo Koala!" he says, "What you doing man?" "Puffin tough homie!" says Koala. "Let me get some!" Says Lizard. "Come on up then man!" Says Koala. So Lizard climbs the tree, settles down next to koala, and they start an epic smoke sesh. After a little while, Lizard gets mad cottonmouth. So he says "Hey Koala, I got mad cottonmouth, I gotta get some water, I'll be back bro." Koala says "Word."

Lizard climbs down the tree, and heads towards the river. He gets there, and leans down to drink, but he's so stoned he falls in. Not being the aquatic type of lizard, he starts to panic, because he can't swim. Right when he thinks he's done for, someone comes from behind and pushes him back onto the bank. As soon as he's recovered, he turns around to thank his savior, and it's Crocodile. Lizard says "Crocodile! You saved my fucking life! Thanks homie!" Crocodile says "No problem bro. Whats your deal though? You'd never jump in here on purpose, and you're way to agile to fall, you sick or something?" Lizard says "oh dude, I'm high as a fucking kite. Koala and I just had an epic all morning smoke sesh over in that tree." Crocodile says "Oh man, this I gotta see." So he wanders over to Koala's tree, looks up and says "HEY! KOALA!" Koala looks down and says, "DUDE, how much fucking water did you drink?"

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Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are on an epic fight...

Suddenly, Vader stops swinging. He pulls Luke close to him, and says:

*breathing sounds*

"I know what you are getting for Christmas"

"WHAT?? IT CAN'T BE! HOW?"

*breathing sounds*

"Because I have felt your presents"

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Gabe Newell and Bill Gates should get together.

Not only would there be some epic games, they could comfort each other's inability to count.

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When a male Octopus finds a mate

When a male Octopus finds a mate, he rips off his penis and throws it at the female so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new penis.
If that isn't the most epic way to tell someone "Go fuck yourself" I don't know what is!

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The City Slicker and The Farmer

**City Slicker:** There sure are a lot of flies around here. Don't you ever shoo them?


**Farmer:** No. we just let them go barefoot.


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^*From ^the ^epic ^fantasy ^adventure ^novel ^Silly ^Summertime ^Jokes*

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When Chris Pine was approached to star in Christopher Nolan's new war time epic..

"No thanks I've done Kirk"

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Epic Tragedy

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

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The most epic stage name for a Chinese porn actor would be Mao "The Dong"

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my first self-made joke attempt: "A Super Friends Orgy"

Wonder Woman decided to take a photo to remember the epic orgy her and the other Super Friends were taking part in that night at the Hall of Justice.

She got her iPhone out, told everybody to get it on, and took the picture.

When she looked at the photo, she frowned and said, There must be something wrong. This picture turned out like crap!

Batman grabbed the phone, looked at the photo, and said, How 'bout next time you turn the Flash on first.

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This was the epic top comment on my Joke.

" there doesn't seem to be anything here "

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You don't have to be good at anagrams

to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.

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Chris Pine was approached to star in Christopher Nolan's 2017 WW2 beach epic...

"No thanks, I've done Kirk"

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What do you call an epic space opera set during the Russian Revolution?

Tsar Wars

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When the Jews wandered in a desert for four whole decades,

surely it went from epic fail to epoch fail

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Nan 'n' Fran

**Nan:** What part of a fish weighs the most?

**Fran:** Its scales.

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*^From ^the ^epic ^fantasy ^adventure ^novel: ^101 ^Silly ^Summertime ^Jokes*

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Epicurean One-Liner

The death row inmate eats burgers and fries.

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Did you hear the one about Gilgamesh?

It was epic.

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When you think about it

Elon Musk firing that Tesla towards mars is the most epic mike drop in human history thus far. It still hasn't landed.

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Epic camping trip last weekend!!

It was in tents.

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Even the first puns ever were corny

The first pun ever recorded is in the Epic of Gilgamesh. It states that the heavens will drop kibtu which stands for corn. But kibtu was a pun for kibittu which means misery. I guess even the first puns were corny...

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Epic skateboarding fails 2015

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This epic social network called Vent allows you to anonymously Vent

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Developers with New Game Ideas

"Ok I got it. Here's my epic title. Patent pending! Subjugate The Rest of the World...sounds fun right?"

Where do I have to travel to play this game?

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Epicurean One-Liner

The epileptic eats burgers and shakes.

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Right before I die, i'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

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Epic fact: Everything that happens in Germany is depressing.

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2,560,147,913 m/s is epic.

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What are the most funny Epic jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Epic? Well, here are the best Epic dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Epic pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes