Envelope Jokes
72 envelope jokes and hilarious envelope puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about envelope that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Everyone loves a good laugh, and a collection of envelope jokes from the iconic Johnny Carson show is sure to make you chuckle. Read on for jokes about envelopes, slots, and the postman, guaranteed to add some levity to your day.
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Funniest Envelope Short Jokes
Short envelope jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The envelope humour may include short enclosure jokes also.
- Why don't envelopes reproduce? Because they're all mail!
I thought of this myself. Proud of it. - What type of objects do not accelerate, regardless of the force applied? Letterhead and envelopes. No matter how hard you try, they remain stationery!
- Yesterday I accidentally sent a n**... picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamp.
- I built a car out of writing paper and matching envelopes, but it didn't move. It was stationery.
- If a politician says bribery is beneath them.... That means the envelope with money should be delivered under the table.
- I saw a lady in tears at the store. She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her $100 because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. #payitforward
- When REM met The Queen, she held up an envelope and then said... "That's me in the corner."
- I got a letter the other day without a return address on it. I assumed it was from the Philippines... It was in a Manila envelope.
- Postal workers are some of the most innovative people around They really push the envelope.
- They've already had to recall the Nancy Reagan stamps because they don't stick to the envelope Everyone is spitting on the wrong side.
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Envelope One Liners
Which envelope one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with envelope? I can suggest the ones about membrane and inbox.
- What start with "e," ends with "e," and contains one letter? An envelope.
- No matter how much you push the envelope. It'll still be stationery.
- How can you tell if an envelope is gay? It comes in the mail.
- What type of animals are put on envelopes? Seals.
- No matter how hard you push the envelope it's still stationary. thanks dad!
- It doesn't matter how much you move the envelope It'll still be stationary.
- What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we'll go places.
- Name a word with a letter in it Envelope
- What remains stationary no matter how hard you push? The envelope.
- Two envelopes had a baby It was male
- My friend sent me some paper in an envelope
- Why did the walrus lick the envelope? Because he was looking for a good seal.
- What size envelope do you need to send a letter bomb? C4
- Why was the stamp on the envelope missing? It up and left.
- How Far Can One Push The Envelope? They Can't. Envelopes are stationary.
Hilarious Envelope Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about envelope you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wrapper jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make envelope pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mailman's last day on the job.
After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"
An elderly Jewish sage walks into the post office and hands the clerk a thick envelope to mail.
The clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, buy this envelope is too heavy. You'll need to put another stamp on it."
"Vaht, and you think adding another stamp vill make it any lighter?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Santa and Banta
Santa: Why did people stop printing stamps with photo of Pamela Anderson?
Banta: Because people started l**... the wrong side of it for pasting them on the envelopes..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone keeps sending me envelopes with cartoon d**... on them.
I hate junk mail.
What is it called when brown envelopes aren't delivered as quickly as white ones?
White Mail Privilege
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have s**.... This is all I'm spending for her christmas present.
So far she's getting a McChicken.
A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...
It read as follows:
---
*Michael*,
*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*
*Love, Elizabeth*
*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*
---
The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:
---
*Elizabeth,*
*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*
*Take care, Michael*
An office worker opened his pay envelope to find
his check was short $100. He called the accounting department to voice his complaint.
"You're right, we made a mistake," said the clerk, "but last week we overpaid you $100 and we didn't hear you complaining then."
"Look," said the man, "I can overlook one mistake. But two weeks in a row?"
A friend convinces a jew to donate to charity...
The friend sees the jew put an envelope in the donation box and asks him
"How much money did you put in there?"
The jew replies "Money? Are envelopes really worth nothing nowadays?"
At the post office....
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are envelopes and papers white?
Because blackmail is i**....
Lotr
Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.
- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Red Oscar Envelope walks into a bar and asks
am I Moonlighting or Emma s**...?
My boss wants me to push the envelope but what's the use...
...it will still be stationery.
USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture
The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two ISIS fighters making a letter bomb
Abdul and Saddam sitting making letter bombs, Abdul says, "Saddam, do you think I've put enough explosive in this envelope?" "I don't know" says Saddam "open it and see". "But it'll explode" says Abdul. "Don't be so f**...' s**..." says Saddam "it's not addressed to you!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each
The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the f**..., each person placed an envelope into the casket.
Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
90 percent of adults admitted to having some form of s**... interaction in the office.
I licked an envelope once.
I came up with a new game:
Two players need a chessboard, a diamond ace, a dice, a bunch of bananas, two condoms and a set of kitchen knives. Players must improvise. After two hours, host opens an envelope with the rules, and players will find out which of them has lost the least.
I called this game "Life".
I was at the Post Office....
When I saw a blonde woman shouting into an envelope.
I asked, "what are you doing ??"
The blonde replied, "Sending a voice mail"....
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.
USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.
This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.
After months of testing, costing $2.65 billion in congressional spending and firing of 25+ people, the special prosecutor appointed by Trump presented the following findings.
* The stamps have no manufacturing defects.
* There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
* People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates St. Peter opens them and says "Oh it's you Luciano - come on in!".
Pavarotti says "Hold on, I've got an envelope for you from the Pope." St. Peter opens it up and reads it "HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU".
I ordered an extension course, How to Deal With Life's Disappointments .
Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.
It was an empty envelope.
In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.
Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?
A: A hole
Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?
A: Post office
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin
Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?
A: A fence
Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My hair is receding at my temples, making my hairline look like the flap of an envelope.
g**... mail pattern baldness...
Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...
and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."
How to make money off Valentine's Day
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer. He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the old days when everyone got paid in cash for their work, Frank was walking to the pub to meet up with his friends when he found an envelope with someone's payslip and entire wages for the week.
His face was angry when he got inside the pub. His friends asked him what was wrong.
What's wrong? He exclaimed. What's wrong is that I just found an entire pay packet.
s**... for them, but good for you. What wrong with that, though?
Look at how much tax they had to pay.
A old TV psychic is given a question in an envelope and asked for the answer to said question without opening the envelope. The psychic holds it up to his head, concentrates, and says "The Answer! Is! 'Perpetuate!'"
Then, the old psychic opens the envelope to read the note inside out loud to the studio audience and says, "The Question! Is! How does a Chinese deli charge their customers...?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... goes to the door to get his mail...
As he looks down, he sees a big brown envelope, with "DO NOT BEND!" written on it.
He's still standing there, wondering how he's going to pick it up off the floor.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...
The three see a buck a little distance away.
The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.
The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding in wind resistance and adding a fudge factor to include wind variations, Coriolis forces, and other, unknown variables. He fires, and the round lands 10 meters behind the buck.
The statistician jumps up and yells, "We got him!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't you see black envelopes in the mail?
Because blackmail is i**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just found an envelope containing several severed fingers in my mailbox
It was weird because we don't usually get mail on Sundays
