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The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.


Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons.

If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.


A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.


If the next president is white....

That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.


Getting drunk

at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.


A man walks into a bar

... and stays there my entire childhood.


So a man walks into a bar...

and never comes back for my entire childhood.

Where are you dad?


So I was at the bar last night..

and the waitress screamed..."Anyone know CPR?!"

I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed...except this *one* guy.


My wife left me because I spent our entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure.

She could not take it any longer.


I redid my entire house with mirrors...

You could say it really reflects who I am.


I think my entire family is racist.

I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family

My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.


In 2020 we're going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision...

I can't wait to see them all.


In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ...

the entire story is the sub-plot.


For sale: The entire Internet on 33,674,964,367 DVDs.

Or without porn, on 54 DVDs.


Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I just think marathons are *way* too much running


Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"


I was having sex with this german schoolgirl the other day

I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time


Breaking news: An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen

The police is looking for a gang of hardened criminals


George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when...

...his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.

He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.

Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"


I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary...

...What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.


What do Kim Kardashian and Hurricane Sandy have in common?

They will both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV.


The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight

and it's still not over.


I went to the liquor store on my bike the other day to get some vodka

But I was afraid that I would fall of my bike on my way home and break the bottle, so I drank the entire bottle before I went home. Which ended up being a good thing since I fell of my bike 7 times on my way home


I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.


I don't understand Christians

They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.


What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV


Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?

His entire wife flashed before his eyes.


Muslim scientists..

Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.

They're calling it 'Islam'.


Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don't know, I mean I didn't get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn't that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear

One hundred boxes of tampons for $1...

...no strings attached!


How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out.


How do you kill an entire circus at once?

Go for the juggler.


How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.


Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes.....

Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.


Farmer and Son

A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank
This year, I can't plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field."
The son wrote back, Papa, don't dare plow the field That is where I hid the money I stole.
The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they'd dug up the entire field but found nothing. The son wrote to his father, Now you can plant your potatoes.


If women can do anything men can do...

how come they haven't oppressed an entire gender?


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