The Best 85 Entire Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Entire jokes. There are some entire undivided jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these entire motionless puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Entire Jokes and Puns
I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...
Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.
Philosophy final
in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.
"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until the end of class."
Now while everyone else in the class worked on long complicated answers to his problem, one student got up from his desk almost as soon as it begun. The student smiles and hands the teacher his paper and was off.
The teacher, almost sad that the student didn't even try, looked at the sheet of paper and gave the student an "A"
His answer: What chair?
Plane Ride
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat
So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...
The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.
The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."
The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"
The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her bondage and escapes. The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies.
The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."
The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!"
The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her bondage and escapes. The blonde spy is no dumby she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.
The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."
The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"
Cough Medicine
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A wife told her man to leave....
after finding out that he had a one night stand with another woman.
"I want you to go!" she screamed.
He said, "Please can we just talk about this first?"
"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.
He sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."
Paybacktime
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
A business man goes to Japan for a business meeting...
This man gets there late at night. He was feeling a little lonely, so he got a Japanese hooker. He has his way with the hooker and feels like he did a pretty good job, considering she was screaming out one word the entire time in Japanese. The next day, this man went golfing with the Japanese business men he was going to meet with. During their golf outing, he gets a hole in one! The Japanese men start screaming and celebrating in Japanese words. The man got very excited too and yelled out the only Japanese word he could think of, and that was the one he learned from his hooker. He yelled out this word, and all the Japanese business men look at him strangely. One of them comes up to the business man and asks "what you mean wrong hole?"
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out.
Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but they don't have any matches or lighters. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
*Stolen from BuzzFeed, but I thought it was hilarious.*
You can explore entire finest reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean entire completely dad jokes. There are also entire puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Baseball in Heaven
Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:
"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."
Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.
"Who's there?" he called out.
"Moe! It's me Sam!"
"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.
"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.
"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.
"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."
If women can do anything men can do...
how come they haven't oppressed an entire gender?
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Here's an update for you:
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...
George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when...
...his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.
He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."
Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.
The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.
Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"
Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...
... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.
The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."
The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.
The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."
They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."
The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.
So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..
Muslim scientists..
Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.
They're calling it 'Islam'.
LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls
So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?
Big difference between men and women when they say...
There's a big difference between men and women when they say:
"I finished an entire box of tissues watching that film last night"
Where ya from Sam?
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
Pavlov's birds
An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
If the next president is white....
That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.
Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes.....
Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.
So a man walks into a bar...
and never comes back for my entire childhood.
Where are you dad?
What do Kim Kardashian and Hurricane Sandy have in common?
They will both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV.
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."
The husband is mad, but forgives her, and asks, "but which cheapskate gave you the nickel?"
She replies, "They all did."
Credit goes to u/umm_umm_
A blond is tired
A blond gets tired of blond jokes, so she dyes her hair. She goes for a ride and comes across a farmer with a flock of sheep. She asks the farmer, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The farmer accepts. The blond guesses, "382". The farmer says, "Wow, that's correct. Pick any one you want!" She looks over the entire flock before picking one and putting it in her car. The farmer then says, "I have an offer for you. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Getting drunk
at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.
I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!
Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.
Jimmy's First Cow
One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.
He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.
His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"
In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ...
the entire story is the sub-plot.
Bernie Sanders isn't a Messiah.
He's just a Jewish guy sacrificing himself to save millions from their own sin and ignorance while being insulted the entire time. Clearly no basis for a religion.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
ISIS takes Congress hostage
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
A man walks into a bar
... and stays there my entire childhood.
Yesterday, I got so depressed..
..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.
The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight
and it's still not over.
If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life....
Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?
I don't understand Christians
They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.
Why does MLK only get one day, while sharks get an entire week?
I guess it's because they're great whites...
I was sitting in a diner waiting order, when I hear,
"Does anyone know CPR?"
I said, "I know the entire alphabet!"
We all laughed and laughed...except one guy.
I redid my entire house with mirrors...
You could say it really reflects who I am.
In 2020 we're going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision...
I can't wait to see them all.
I was having sex with this german schoolgirl the other day
I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time
I went to the liquor store on my bike the other day to get some vodka
But I was afraid that I would fall of my bike on my way home and break the bottle, so I drank the entire bottle before I went home. Which ended up being a good thing since I fell of my bike 7 times on my way home
A man walks into a steakhouse
A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.
"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.
She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."
"And what if I miss?"
"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"
He looks up again.
"No, the steaks are too high."
[NSFW] English Exam
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not
showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in
the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about
extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to
stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored,
the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head,
and sweetly says, "Not an excuse........Write with your other hand."
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
An entire industry has just collapsed
Virgin coconut oil is no more a thing.
Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons.
If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.
Farmer and Son
A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank
This year, I can't plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field."
The son wrote back, Papa, don't dare plow the field That is where I hid the money I stole.
The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they'd dug up the entire field but found nothing. The son wrote to his father, Now you can plant your potatoes.
A priest and a bus driver stand outside the gates of heaven.
God lets the bus driver in, but denies entry for the priest. The priest exclaims:
-Why was that man let in? He gambles, drinks, sheats on his wife and is a bad father figure to his kids.
I on the other hand have served you my entire life.
God replies:
-That might be, but when you preach, everybody falls asleep in the church. When he drives the bus, all the passengers pray.
Is it wrong to hate an entire race?
I just think marathons are *way* too much running
How do you kill an entire circus at once?
Go for the juggler.
A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$
Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a 1$, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar but not buying any apples well-" The woman cuts him off: "No I am not the least bit interested, apples now cost 2$ instead of one".
Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...
Doctor: So how did this happen?
Woman: I don't know, I mean I didn't get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!
Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn't that sound suspiciously cheap to you?
Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear
One hundred boxes of tampons for $1...
...no strings attached!
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye.
We broke up because she was seeing someone else the entire time.
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
Today, in honor of 4/20, I'm letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.
It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
**Diabetes.**
What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?
*I waited an entire year to say this*
I'm not racist, but...
If I could put an end to any race on the entire planet, I'd get rid of the marathon.
My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel
My dates are always upset when I tell them I'm a bus driver
Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we're made of atoms, we've never touched anything in our entire lives.
So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.
U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:
Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last 4. The other 20 million are already there.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
One bird can't finish an entire bowl of Fruit Loops...
...but Toucan.
Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes
is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.
An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales
Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"
Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.
Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"
Curator: "It was your doctor."
I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed does anyone know CPR?
I yelled, I know the entire alphabet and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one guy.
Entire Russian history in five words
Russian history in five words: "And then things got worse."
According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat
So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.
A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess you'll just have to write with your other hand"
I have just finished the entire history of lubricant
It's the best non friction book I've ever read.
An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.
The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.
The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.
The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.
The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."
My tinder profile says
that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.
My dates are always seem disappointed when they find out I'm a bus driver.
Cop: I'm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia
Man: Wait I can explain everything
My grandpa was buried with his entire butter making kit.
He'll be churning in his grave.
What's the country with the highest incidence of mid-leg infection in the entire world?
Germany
Your mom is so ugly that. . . .
The entire world created a virulent strain of Coronavirus just so she'd wear a mask.
And she's so dumb, she thinks that masks aren't effective.
Optimus Prime, in full on robot battle, wondering how the decepticons keep figuring out his next moves before he makes them
only to look down and see that his blinker was on the entire time.
I'm proud to announce I have stuck to my New Years Resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
What do skinny jeans and a cheap hotel have in common?
There's no ballroom.
Friend told me this a couple years ago. I was reminded today, by wearing skinny jeans and tugging at my crotch the entire time.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the entire incredible jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working entire all piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.