entire Jokes

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What are the best entire puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Entire? Well here is a complete list of the top entire jokes:

The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.


A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.


A man walked into a bar...

... and he stayed there my entire fucking childhood.


Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"


I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.


How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out.


Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but they don't have any matches or lighters. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

*Stolen from BuzzFeed, but I thought it was hilarious.*


A wife told her man to leave....

after finding out that he had a one night stand with another woman.

"I want you to go!" she screamed.

He said, "Please can we just talk about this first?"

"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

He sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."


A drunk stumbles out of the bar at 7am....

As he walks home, he sees a nun walking towards him. He stares her down the entire time as they get closer and closer. Right as they are about to pass, he punches her right in the face, knocking her out cold, then stands over her body and yells, "Not so tough today, are ya, Batman?".


Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine?

He had nothing left to chauffeur it.


Did you hear about the man who got his entire left side of his body mauled off by a bear?

He's all right now.


A plane gets hijacked by a couple of terrorists

The head terrorist is in the cockpit with the pilot. He demands that the pilot takes them to a free country or else the entire plane will blow up.

The pilot retorts: " This is an airliner, not a spaceship!"


A man walks into a zoo

The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu.


Boy should start having sex.

Son, a boy your age should start having sex. I want you to give it a try. Find someone at school and just go for it.

The next day:
Dad, dad, I fucked my teacher!
That's great son, but can you do it again?

Sure I can. And he does, again and again.
This goes on for the entire week.

On Friday Dad comes home with a gift. Son, I'm so proud of you that I bought you a new bike. Let's go for a ride.
I can't dad, my butt's too sore.


Father buys a beetle farm for Jhonny one evening

Jhonny is so excited he keeps shouting "Beetle.. Beetle.. Beetle.." the entire night and next day. By evening next day the father is really irritated and says "BE SILENT!".

So Jhonny pauses for sometime and starts shouting "eetle.. eetle.. eetle.. "



A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"


The hypnotist

A famous hypnotist stands before a room full of people. He picks up a pocket watch and says, "This watch used to belong to my great-grandfather. When I swing it back and forth with it, the whole room will go under hypnosis." He swings the watch back and forth and indeed the entire room is under hypnosis. Suddenly the watch comes loose and falls to the ground. "Shit!", the hypnotist exclaimed.

It took a month to get the room clean again!


One of my personal favorites (Thanks Good Will Hunting)

So I'm on a plane flying from New York to LA and the pilot gives his "now free to move about the cabin" message, only he forgets to turn off the mic, so the entire plane hears him when he turns to the copilot and says "Man I could really use a coffee and a blow job." The flight attendant runs to the cockpit to tell the pilot the mic was on, so I yell out "Hey honey, don't forget the coffee!"


A black knight moves into a new village with only white people...

...after a year, a white girl in the village gives birth to a black child. A shepherd goes up to the knight and says: "I think you had sex with that girl, since you're the only black person in this entire village." The knight responds: "Well, sometimes weird things just happen, like your single white sheep among your heard of black sheep." The shepherd says: "Hey! You say nothing bout the sheep, I say nothing bout the baby."


I've dedicated my entire life to getting prostitutes off the streets

For an hour or so each day.


a man walks into a zoo. the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. it's a shitzu.



A teacher assigns her students to read a chapter of a book.

"Class, I want you to read chapter 31 of the book I assigned you. Understood?"

The entire class agreed. "Okay. Class is dismissed. Remember to read it."

Skip to the next day in the classroom. "Okay, so whoever read chapter 31, please stand up."

Every student stood up. "Now, all of you go to the principals office."

Every student is shocked and confused.

"Why, you ask? There isn't any chapter 31!".


If you could own the entirety of Bill Gates' fortune or solve world hunger,...

what color would your Lamborghini be?


A Jewish guy goes into a Catholic confession box...

"Father O'Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm 78 years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"


I saw an entire display of beer fall over onto a small child
at the grocery store today.

Luckily the kid was okay. It was Bud Light.


A guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender he can fart the National Anthem...

the bartender says "You're on buddy! There's no way you can fart the entire National Anthem!" So the guy pulls down his pants and starts crapping all over the bar. The bartender shouts "What the hell are you doing?!" and the guy says "What? Even Pavarotti had to clear his throat."


Getting punch at a party.

A drunk stumbles into a party and gets in line to grab a drink from the punchbowl. Upon reaching the terminus, he spills the entire bowl all over the table and those closest to him in line. A bouncer seizes him by the scuff of the neck and angrily declares: "Look what you've done! You've screwed up the punchline!"


A man walks into a zoo.

The only animal in the entire zoo is a single dog.

It is a shihtzu.


So a guy lies on his death bed.

An old man is on his death bed. His entire family is by his side. He asks his daughter "Anna, are you there?" His daughter Anna says "yes father im here." The man then asks " What about my son is he here?" His son says "yes im here." "What about my grandkids," the old man said, growing more raspy. "We are here too grandpa," the grandkids said. "Everyone is here, arent they," he says, "Then why is the kitchen light on?"


You know when you lie, things can get out of hand very quickly.......

For example I heard about a girl who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant and now there is an entire religion.


Did you hear about the guy who had his entire left side Cut Off?

He's all right now.


What happens when a political party filled with loyal members builds its entire platform on being unwilling to cooperate with the opposing party in a system based on compromise between parties that share power?

Your government fails.

wait... sorry I wrote this joke last year, I guess its not that funny anymore.


i have a luxury diesel mercedes and its a total piece of rubbish!

i have driven manual my entire life and i got my first automatic and my bloody last one!. i bought new, but it only works during the daytime, at night it shuts off. now look, i put the automatic into d mode during the day, it works fine, but then at night it goes into n mode and won't move.


What do you call a dog that eats an entire bottle of paste? (compliments of u/wizang)

A shitzglu


I couldn't find my mustache for a week

It was right under my nose the entire time.


"One of my friends has gotten so many DUI's.....

that he had to go to jail for a year. And his only concern was getting raped. So he didn't shower for an entire year...... because he was so busy getting raped."

- Anthony Jeselnik


What happened to the programmer who ate an entire apple?

He dumped core.


My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'


My 89 year old Grandpa told me this one tonight... An elderly man bought his wife a Christmas present

An elderly man was trying to figure out what to buy his wife for Christmas. Knowing they already had everything they needed he decided to give his wife a Tombstone. She opened the present and thought. "OOOOKKKAYYYYY.. Sure, Thank you" She thought the gesture was nice and a little weird at the same time.

The next year the entire family was having Christmas together and the elderly man had bought great gifts for everybody but his elderly wife. His kids and grand kids were so thankful and happy.

After everything was done his wife said "Hey! What about me? You didn't get me anything?" The elderly Man replied "Why would I get you anything this year? You still haven't used what I got you last year!!"


At the State Fair....

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word it's ten dollars! "

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over and over again, but still not a word. They tierra and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but like Martha always said, ten dollars is ten dollars."


Roger and Jenny on their wedding night . . .

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already tonight?'


The Pope flies out to Canada

The Pope is visiting Canada For the first time in a very long while. He has two stops before he leaves; Ottawa and Toronto.

So the Pope lands in Toronto and steps out of his plane and looks about. He sees an entire crowd of people waiting to see him.

As he looks out into the crowd it appears he notices something. He walks off his plane into the crowd and pushes his way in front of a brown skinned man wearing a robe and a turban.

The Pope kisses him on both cheeks, gets on his plane and leaves

One man is shocked by this, and downright offended.

"The Pope comes down to Canada for the first time in God knows when, only to bless a Paki and leave?!"

The man forms a plan. He buys a long robe, wraps his head with a white cloth and paints his skin brown, shortly after arriving in Ottawa, somehow making it before the Pope. He waits at the airport for the Pope with a crowd of people.

Again, the Pope lands and steps out to witness a large crowd of people. Once he eyes the man dressed up, he walks towards him and while kissing both of his cheeks he says;

"I thought I told you to fuck off in Toronto."


I went to a chicken abortion clinic today... I was walking on eggshells the entire time


A guy walks into a bar for the very first time...

As he sits down, the bartender makes him a deal. He can drink at his bar for free from then on if he first drinks and entire bottle of whiskey, pulls a single tooth from an alligator in the back of the bar, and gives a woman her first orgasm. The man proceeds to drink the entire bottle of whiskey before the bartender. Impressed, the bar tender shows the man to a room in the back with an alligator in it. After being in the room for a fairly long time, and after hearing several loud noises coming from the room, the man stumbles out of the room and says "Alright, where's the woman that needs her tooth pulled?!"


a man goes to japan on a business trip

...and he is bored on his first night so he hires a prostitute. she comes to his room and he furiously screws her. the entire time, she is saying "hoshi mota HOSHI MOTA HOOOSSHIIII MOTAAAAA!!!!!!!" he thought the sex was wonderful. the next day, after a business meeting, he goes to play golf with his business partners, and happens to score a hole in one. everyone is congradulating him in japanese, and he has nothing else to say, so he says "hoshi mota" his partner looks at him with a confused look on his face and says, "what do you mean wrong hole?


There were three leprechauns standing outside a church...

There were three leprechauns standing outside a church in Dublin- A father and two brothers.

The oldest brother turned to his father and asked Father, are there any nuns in that church that are leprechauns ?

No son said the father Don't be ridiculous, there's no nuns in that church that are leprechauns .

Tell me this then father , said the oldest brother What about the other Church's in Dublin

Stop talking nonsense my son, there are no nuns that are leprechauns in Dublin .

Ok father, I'll just ask one more question , said the son is there such thing as a leprechaun that is a nun anywhere in the entire world .
The father reflected for about ten seconds before answering You know what my son? In any place, at any time, there has never been a nun that was a leprechaun. Ever

The oldest brother, satisfied with this answer, turned to the younger brother and said Ha, I told ya you were fucking a penguin


A driver was stuck in Washington D.C. in the worst traffic jam he had ever seen...

Cars were stretched out for miles ahead of him. As he was sitting there, a young fellow approached his car and knocked on the window. "What's the holdup?", the driver asked. "Well," answered the young fellow, "It seems that a terrorist group is holding the entire U.S. Congress hostage up ahead a few miles. They claim they're going to douse the whole bunch of them with gasoline and start them on fire unless they get $50 million. I'm just going car to car to try and get some donations." "I'd love to help." said the driver. "How much is everyone else giving?" "About a gallon each."


A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80.

After that, the old rich man continued, I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.


So Three People Died...

Three "perfect" people had died. These people had never done anything wrong in their entire lives, and had never sinned. Because of this, they were not acknowledged as living a full life: therefore, an angel had met them halfway to Heaven.

"You three have not committed any sins in your entire lives. I will send you each back to Earth for one hour in order to achieve one sin, then I will allow you to drink from the holy water and pass onto Heaven."

An hour passed and the three returned.

The first guiltily said, "I have just burnt down an old ladies' home."

The Angel nodded and allowed him to drink from the holy water.

The second shamefully said, "I stole from a purse."

The Angel nodded, and allowed him to drink from the holy water.

The third walked up, very proud and laughed, "I just pissed in the Holy Water."


Rabbi Nakayama

A small Jewish community in the north has been waiting for a Rabbi for years. Finally, they get word that the Rabbinical Council found someone, and the entire community goes out to the one-runway airport to meet him. When the plane lands, a Japanese man steps out and tells them he's Rabbi Nakayama. They're a little confused at first, but he immediately addresses the needs of the community and slides into their religious life.

Over the next year, he becomes their favourite Rabbi of all time. Service attendance nearly triples, kids start going to Sunday school for Hebrew lessons, and they raise money to make some much needed repairs to the Synagogue. Finally, after he's been there for a year, they throw a huge surprise party for him and everyone spends the evening telling him how much of an effect he's had on their lives. After everyone's spoken, he stands up.

"I am flattered and honoured by everything you're saying about me. You too have had a positive and healing effect on me as well. But only Hashem is perfect. There must be something, anything I can change, or do better."

They talk among themselves for a moment, and then finally, the President of the Synagogue says, "Rabbi, there is one thing. Just a little thing. The women have asked if, during the Circumcision, you stop jumping up in the air with the knife and screaming 'Hi-YAAAAH!!! '"



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