Enlistment Jokes
37 enlistment jokes and hilarious enlistment puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about enlistment that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Enlistment Short Jokes
Short enlistment jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The enlistment humour may include short jokes also.
- My friend tried to enlist the help of his spouse in our dad-joke contest... She failed miserably, making no decent jokes.
I said, "looks like you brought a wife to a pun fight." - With this new Space Force being stood up... I've already been hearing that enlistment bonuses are going to be astronomical.
- A methodology of obtaining information or input by enlisting the services of a large number of people of Germanic background: Krautsourcing
- What did the lieutenant vulture say to the enlisted vultures who stopped eating a dead cow to salute? Carrion.
- A Chinese woman who was a chronic masturbator crossdressed to enlist in the army Her name was Fa Ping
- A cross-eyed man wanted to join the army he was enlisted in the indiscriminate shelling unit
Share These Enlistment Jokes With Friends
Enlistment One Liners
Which enlistment one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with enlistment? I can suggest the ones about and .
- What do you call a deer that's enlisted in the air force? A bombar*deer*.
- A drunk man tried to enlist in the Army He heard they had an excellent draft.
- What branch does baby enlist in? An infantry
- What do you call an alcoholic with a good job? Enlisted (military)
- I met a guy with the last name parts. I told him to enlist in the military.
Enlistment Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about enlistment you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make enlistment pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just enlisted my kids into the Navy.
Or as the wife calls it, m**... in the shower.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIL that it's not politically correct to say someone is gay...
The preferred term is "Navy enlisted personnel."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...
...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.
Joke my physics teacher told us
A farmer has a bunch of chickens who aren't laying eggs. Puzzled, he enlists the help of a physicist to try and work out the problem. The physicist went away and did his calculations, then came back a week later.
'I have a solution to your problem, but...' the physicist said.
'But what?' Said the farmer.
'It only works for circular chickens in a vacuum.'
Jesus becomes a man
Jesus is hitting puberty and Joseph wants to help him become a man. He approaches Mary Magdelene to enlist her help to which she readily agrees.
He takes her back to the tent and waits outside.
A few minutes later, Mary runs from the tent screaming.
Joseph enters the tent and asks what happened.
Jesus spoke: She came in and started to snuggle real close. After a bit she stood up and dropped her robe. I could see that she was very different from me.
So I healed her
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a pakistani soldier enlists in the army , ( xpost - india )
A Pakistani soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Pakistani army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Indian tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Indians. I approached the border, and saw an Indian tank. I put my white flag up, the Indian tank put his white flag up. I said to the Indian soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Medical Exams
Two brothers enlisting in the army were having their medical exams. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized p**....
How do you account for this? he asked the brothers.
It's hereditary, sir, the older one replied.
I see, said the doctor, writing in his file. Your father's the reason for your elongated p**...?
No sir, said the younger brother, our mother.
Your mother? the doctor asked. You idiot, women don't have p**...!
I know, sir, replied the recruit, but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bath, she had to manage as best as she could.
I don't know if this is original but my dad told this to me many years back.
A company decides to enlist a few people to help with the running of their factory, A Swiss for the time, a German for leadership, a French for the food and a Chinese for the supplies. On the first day the German walks around the factory looking at everyone and everyone is doing their jobs, he sees the Swiss and the French working but he can't find the Chinese. The second day the same thing happens, French,Swiss but no Chinese. The third day passes, then the fourth and finally on Friday he doesn't see the Chinese anywhere when suddenly the Chinese jumps from behind a machine with a cake and says SUPPLIES!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long p**....
How do you account for this? he asked the brothers.
It's hereditary, sir, replied the older brother.
I see, said the doctor, writing in his file. Your father's the reason for your elongated p**...?
No, sir, our mother.
Your mother? said the doctor. Don't be so ridiculous! Women don't have p**...!
I know, sir, replied the recruit, but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
There's a flower shop in my town...
...that always had great business until one day, a group of local monks opened a flower shop right across the street. Of course, everybody wanted to buy flowers from the brothers. The original flower shop began losing a dangerous amount of business. The owner of the shop began visiting the friars every day to try to ask, beg, and bribe the monks into shutting down their store. They were utterly unsuccessful. Finally, the shop owner went down to the local pub to enlist the help of Hugh McTaggert, the biggest, baddest drunkard in town. Hugh broke into the monks' flower shop in the middle of the night and absolutely trashed the place from top to bottom. He left with a note that said "leave now." Not surprisingly, the monks packed up the very next day and headed back to the monastery. The moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Army Brats Funny Joke
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized p**.... "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated p**...?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have p**...!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man overboard!
An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a s**..., and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard.
"Sailor," he asked, "what would you do if someone fell over the rail?"
"Officer or enlisted Sir?" was the instant reply.
"Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your buds falls over the side, what would you do?"
"Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by the rail and try to keep an eye on him while the ship turns and lookouts assemble. When a phone talker arrives, give information to the bridge to aid in the recovery."
"Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what would you do if an officer fell over the side?"
The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked, "Which one?"
Wrong Number
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass
along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."
Officer Discussing "Relations"
A party is going on at the Generals house, and four officers are discussing relations.
The General asks how much of it is Fun and how much is work, stating "I think its about 90% work, and 10% fun."
The Commander reluctantly disagrees saying "Sir I think it's more like 25% fun 75% work"
One of the department heads says "In my experience its about 50% work, 50% fun."
To which the JO (Junior Officer) says "I dunno, I know I'm not married sir, but I always thought it was 80% fun, and 20% work"
Just then the Senior Enlisted Advisor walks by so they ask him.
Thinking for a moment he responds "It must be 100% fun, because if any work was involved you four would have enlisted guys over at your house doing it for you."
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.
The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"
The week before senior prom the two young lovers anxiously planned the consummation of their love. Even though they had just met they knew it was right.
Tammy was going to secure the hotel reservation
and set up the alibi so that neither's parents
would know. Jimmy was given the unenviable
task of purchasing condoms. Having no idea
what he was doing he enlisted the help of the
man at the counter who advised him that a
package of 12 would be best.
Prom night began with dinner at Tammy's house.
After Grace was said and the dinner blessed
Jimmy's head remained bowed with his face in
his hands. When the pause became
uncomfortable Tammy leaned in and whispered
"I had no idea that you were so religious" to
which he replied:
"I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist"
[edit] format for mobile
[edit] I thought the post was funny and now I think comments are...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were
getting their physicals. During the inspection,
the doctor was surprised to discover that
both of them possessed incredibly long,
oversized p**....
"How do you account for this?" he asked the
brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father's the reason for your elongated
p**...?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have
pen*ses!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only
had one arm, and when it came to getting us
out of the bathtub, she had to manage as
best she could.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks.
He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?”
The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural s**... urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.”
The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”.
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his s**... angst any longer.
He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters.
Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.
“So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked.
The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town.”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass?
You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs.
I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up.
I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"