Englishmen Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen

There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.

An Irishman walks into a bar ....

An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says:
"Right, this looks like a fair fight."

Ticket, Please! [Clean]

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.

On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

Two Drunk Englishmen

...were walking down a street, late at night when the come across a dog licking it's own bollocks.

The first Englishmen points to the dog and says "I wish I could do that"

The second Englishman looks at the dog, and says "I reckon you could, but you better ask it permission first!"

How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. British light fittings use bayonet connectors.

OK, it's not that funny, but at least it's accurately observed.

So an Englishmen walks into a Welshmen's butcher shop...

And says "I would like a goats head please." And the Welshmen says "alright, one goats head." And then the Englishmen says "no I don't want a Welshmen's goat, I want an English goat." And the Welshmen says "oh you want an English goat alright, I will take the brains out."

Two Englishmen walk into a nearly empty American bar and one orders a pint of Strongbow

The bartender replies, "Oh, you boys must be British."

"You can tell from the order and accent, can you?" responds one of the Englishmen.

The bartender replies, "No, I can tell because you two lined up even though you're the only two at the bar!"

Two Germans in London

Two Germans wanted to visit London just a few months after the second world war. Because they are afraid that people will judge them for being German they decide to pretend like they are Englishmen.
After a long day of site-seeing they walk into a pub to have a drink.
They walk up to the bar and ask the barkeeper in perfect English:
"Could we have two sherries please?"
The bar keeper responds:"Dry?"

Walking Down The Street

One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles. One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!" His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?

Englishmen are like bagpipes

Aside from the obvious similarity between bags of hot air, the Scottish enjoy having either in a choke hold, but have a history of blowing both.

A Frenchmen and an Englishmen were at war when the Englishmen says you fight for money while we fight for honor, the Frenchmen replied we all fight for what we lack most.

That's why america fights for freedom

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman decided to have a BBQ.

The Englishmen brought some meat, the Irishman brought some whiskey and the Scotsman brought some dude from Aberdeen.

What are the funniest englishmen jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Englishmen? Well, here are the best Englishmen puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Englishmen pick up lines to share with friends.


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