English Word Jokes

An English teacher told his students that when pronouncing a word beginning with the letter "H" they should ignore the "H" as in hour, honor, and honest. That day when leaving for class, he left a note for his assistant, "Please heat my rice for me." When the teacher returned to his office, he met an empty bowl. He asked the assistant, "Where is my food?" The assistant replied, "You said I should heat the rice for you, but you also instructed us to ignored the 'H.'"

A Spanish man who doesn't speak English says to a Mexican woman, "Lady, I want to make the love with you," and she says, "Mande?" and he says, "No Monday, today."

Chuck Norris can spell the longest word in the English language with only three letters.

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "Woman without her man is nothing.

"
The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

The magic of English.

What is shorter when it is longer and longer when it is shorter; also bigger when it is smaller and smaller when it is bigger?
A word. LONGER is shorter than SHORTER, and SMALLER is bigger than BIGGER.

Mujibar get a job in India

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have to show you are proficient in the English language. Please make a sentence using the words: Yellow, Pink, and Green.'
Mujibar responded, 'The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and say, Yellow! This is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him.

English couple adopt a German baby boy 'Engelbert'....

.....now six years old Engelbert has never spoke a word, everyone just assumed he is mute.
Then one day at the breakfast table Engelbert shouted (with a typical German accent) mummy these sausages are not cooked through!
Mummy rushed across and shocked with disbelief said Engelgert you can talk, how come you never said anything for six years?
(German Accent again) Engelbert replied up until now everything has been quite satisfactory.

In the 18th century, a hopeful Asian laborer landed in America and went straight to the employment office.

He didn't speak a word of English, and the men at the employment office couldn't figure out where he was from. They took a vote to see if he was Chinese or Japanese.
It was a Thai.

A man took a woman out for dinner...

but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.
The comments in another thread were slamming Readers Digest jokes, and that's where this one came from.

What are the two types of people who love the words "Who, what, when, where and why?"

English teachers and Alzheimer's patients

What is the longest word in the English language?

Nina:
What is the longest word in the English language?
SoSA:
SMILES: becoz there is a mile between the first and last letters! :P

A Chinese guy, Japanese guy, and Vietnamese guy are in an English class...

Teacher: I want you to create a sentence using the words chicken, nut, and bread.
Chinese guy: I would like to buy chicken, nut, bread.
Japanese guy: I want to eat the chicken, nut, and bread.
Vietnamese guy: I threw my sister in the pool and chicken nut bread.

New English Word: Electrogasm.

That excited feeling you get as the electricity comes back on after loadshedding.

What is the longest word in the English language?

Smiles.
Because it's two S's with a mile in between.
(My 60 year old co-worker just told me that joke)

What is the shortest word in the English language?

Everything.
Because it's very thin in the middle.

In just 24 hours, my level in English has increased dramatically.

I understood almost all words from the presidential press conference.

A English teacher says to a African student..

"okay you're doing really good with your English, I would like you to use the word dandelion in a sentence" the student replies "ohh that is easy, The giraffe, is bigger, dan de lion"

So there's an American English Teacher that went to Germany…

He went to a school to teach children how to speak English.
One the first day, he taught them all words that began with the letter A.
On the second day, he taught them words that started with B.
On the the third day, which was words with C, he thought to himself,
"How are they gonna handle D-Day?"

I used to own a Raven in Boston

It could speak English, but the only word it knew was "Car"

My teacher said that before we start our new book, "it's best we say the N word a couple times out loud, just get it out of our system".

I've seen this help students reading old material and I could definitely see why some English teachers do this, but I had no idea why my Calculus teacher was having us try it out.

What's the only word in the English language that is both a word and a sentence?

Marriage.

What's a word in English that is both a word and sentence

"Prison". Although some may claim it is actually "marriage".
I say same difference.

So I was teaching my brother English...

I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.

What's the difference between autocorrect and my kid?

Autocorrect knows every single word in english, except for swears.

An English professor wrote these words...

a woman without her man is nothing
On the board and asked his students to punctuate correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote a woman, without her man, is nothing.
However, all of the women wrote, a woman: without her, man is nothing.

Some friends of mine are like a few french words translated to english

False Friends ~~i cri~~

What word in the English dictionary, which word, unless spelled incorrectly is always spelled incorrectly

Incorectly.
>*(Source: Cortana)*

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language in which

Need help with this Japanese word, commonly used in English, B..k.., seen so many pictures...

Wait, just remembered.
Bokeh.

My French teacher refuses to give me the the translation to some english words

Feels like he's trying to sabotage me.

English is the most progressive language

Our words don't have genders

All Letters

The only word in the English language that contains all the letters of the alphabet is, "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz" Boom.

A Russian man travels to the US without knowing any english

After leaving the airport, he sees a sign for a space center that says Take off!
Next, he sees a billboard for the zoo that says Zebra
Later that day he goes to a bar and is excited to use his newly learned words. When he gets into the bar he tells the waitress Take off ze bra!

The tyrant Stalin never said the word "thank you" his whole life

Mostly because he didn't speak English.

In 8th grade english class I wrote a script titled "The Pun"

The very first set description in the script said that the stage was to be painted over with random words and phrases.
When I handed in the assignment, my teacher came up to me and asked: "Why is your script titled 'The Pun' and why is the floor covered with phrases?"
"Because my script is a play on words!"

One day two friends decided to brush up their English.

One says "i will ask you the antonyms of some words".
The other agreed.
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'Always'
Friend 2 : Never
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'Stop' said in a modern way
Friend 2 : Gonna
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'take'
Friend 2 : Give
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'me'
Friend 2 : You
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'Down'
Friend 2 : Up

My Mexican cousin who can't speak a word of English just came back from Thailand all bloodied up. I asked him "que paso?"

He said muy Thai

Only one word in the English Language starts with D and ends in Y

If you don't believe my check the dictionary

How much English can you speak

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to　be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his　way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

What are the three shortest words in the english language to describe the shortest thing in the human body?

Is it in?

Two English gentlemen are fishing on a boat

As they are both fishing in silence, as gentlemen do, the one gets a big pull on his line. After a fair amount of fighting, he pulls a beautiful mermaid out of the water. As he is holding her, he looks at her head to tail: top half woman, and from the waist down fish.
The mermaid looks at him straight in the eye with an amorous look. Then, without saying a word, he drops her back into the water.
His friend, in complete disbelief, exclaims: "But why?"
To which the first replies: "But how?"

Politicians go on a vacation

Politicians go on a vacation by bus.
The bus driver gets distracted by the beautiful scenery and drives off a cliff next to a farm.
The following day the police question the farmer:
\- Did you not find any victims?
\- Actually, I did.
\- And where are they?
\- Well, I buried them.
\- Every politician died?!
\- Some of them said they didn't, but I don't believe a word of what they say anymore...
PS: English is my second language so apologies for mistakes.

The word Algo may not sound familiar to English speakers.

But in Spanish it really means something.

There's only one word in the English language that begins with U and ends in E.

Unbelievable, right?!