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English Wife Jokes

43 english wife jokes and hilarious english wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about english wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest English Wife Short Jokes

Short english wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The english wife humour may include short beautiful wife jokes also.

  1. An English Girl.. WIFE: "I'm going to LONDON. What gift do you want?"
    HUSBAND: "An English girl."
    After a month, wife returns..
    HUSBAND: "Where is my gift?"
    WIFE: "Wait for nine months!"
  2. My English is so bad it made my wife cry. So I pat her on the back and said, "their their"
  3. Husband: What's your most hated part of the english language? Wife: The singular second person personal pronoun.
    Husband: What?
    Wife: YOU.
  4. Learning English So a man and his wife decided to speak in English at home to improve their language skills.
    Her: Hunney, I'm going to rest a little bit.
    Him: Sure hunney, rest in peace.
  5. A co worker accuses a wife of treating her husband "like a dog" The wife was a not a native English speaker. So she responded "That is not true! I love dogs!"
  6. What did the English man say when he walked in on his wife making love to three men? 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!
  7. What does an English teacher eat for breakfast? Synonym rolls.
    My wife was so proud of herself for thinking this up while eating cinnamon roll ice cream yesterday.
  8. True story. At our baby shower, my aunt asked if we would be teaching our child a second language. My wife replied, "Of course! English."
  9. 3 paddys are out for dinner English p**... tells his wife "pass the sugar, sugar"
    Scottish p**... asks his wife "pass the honey, honey"
    Irish p**... says "pass me the milk
    Cow."
  10. A man walks in on his wife, an English professor, having s**... with his buddy. Honey! How could you! Well.. I'm surprised! She responds: *I'm* surprised. *you* are *astonished*.

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Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about english wife can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of english wife puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Hilarious English Wife Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends

What funny jokes about english wife you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean irish wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make english wife prank.

Q: How does an English man know that his wife has died?
A: s**.

.. is still the same but the dishes are stacked in the sink.

Outside is snowing hard.

My wife is looking thru the window with a nostalgic look.
If it is getting colder i might let her in.
PS: Sorry my native language is not english and i'm too old to learn it good.

The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued:
"Have you any grounds?"
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
It's made of concrete.
"I don' think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
No, we have carport, and not need one.
"I mean what are your relations like?"
All my relations still in Poland .
" Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
"Does your wife beat you up?"
No, I'm always up before her each morning.
"Is your wife a nagger?"
No, she white.

"Why do you want this divorce?"
She going to kill me.

"What makes you think that?"
I got proof.
"What kind of proof?"

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:
POLISH REMOVER

An English professor's wife leaves town for a few days.

Having forgotten something, she returns to find him in bed with another woman.
'Oh, my God!' She exclaims.
'I'm surprised.'
The professor tells her: 'Not quite darling...we are surprised. You are shocked.'

An English man, a Welsh man and an Irish man sign up for the SAS...

An English man, a Welsh man and an Irish man sign up for the SAS. The commander decides to put them to the test to see if they have what it takes.
He gives the English man a gun and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The English man looks appalled and says 'I can't do that I love her and we have two children'
He gives the gun to the Welsh man and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The Welsh man walks through the door but walks out immediately 'I can't kill my wife, I love her and we have 3 children.'
The commander gives the gun to the Irish man and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The Irish man walks through the door and the commander hears three shots fired and then a lot of grunting and groaning.
The Irish man comes out of the room and the commander says 'what happened?' The Irish man replied 'Well commander the gun was full of blanks so I had to strangle her."

Wishing Well

English is second language.... excuse grammar
My penny went whoosh whoosh down the wishing well
I was happy. Everyone around screaming. I threw quarter down, made wish, and now everyone mad about my wife penny

A couple had fight

A couple had fight and did not talk to each other. One day, because the husband had to wake up early the next morning, he needed his wife to wake him up around 4 am. But he did not want to talk to her first so he grabbed a paper and a pencil and wrote, "wake me up around 4. I have to get up early for my job."
The next morning, the husband was so furious because he woke up around 9. He was late because his wife did not wake her up. Then he saw a note at the table beside the bed, "wake up. It's 4."
Sorry for my bad english.

Joke from Spain (forgive my English)

There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child.
"I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife.
"That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband.
"Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife.
"No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband.
The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that.
"Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest."
"And?" She asks.
"And I did!"

This actually just happened...

*Wife: I wanna get into coding.
*Me: Oh, that sounds fun. You might even earn some
money on the side while you're at home. What language
did you wana code in ?
*Wife: English. Duh!

English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.

The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"
The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"
The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"

My wife is an English teacher

She always corrects my grammar while having s**.... I'll go "s**... it good" and she'll reply "it's s**... it well!". I'll say "Who's your daddy" and she'll correct "who's your dad".
She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of colon.

Medical Term

A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to. When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Two English men and an Irish man are in a bar.

The first English man says "I think my wife is cheating on me with an electrician, I found a pair of pliers under our bed."
The second English man says "My wife is cheating on me with a plumber, I found a pipe under our bed."
The Irish man looks at both English men and says "Well my wife is cheating on me with a horse. Last night I found a jokey under our bed."

I'm made out of pure dynamite!

An elder couple wakes up together and kiss each other a good morning.
After that, the man stands up, picks up his weights and starts lifting them.
The man says: "Do you see this? I'm made out of pure dynamite!"
His wife looks up, with one eyebrow lifted, and says: "Too bad about the short fuse..."
(I hope it's clear because my English isn't so great)

A wife was going to the UK...

Wife: Should I bring you something from there?
Husband: Yeah. I'd like an English girl.
The wife leaves for the UK. After she returns...
Husband: Did you bring me what I asked for?
Wife: Yes. You'll get your English girl in 9 months.

I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.

The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

At Oxford's men only English language competition, 200 males were participating

The challenge was to express Peacefulness, Happiness and Calmness in a single sentence.
The person who won the competition wrote....
"My wife is sleeping."



He also received standing ovation from the audience.

An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.
"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.
He approaches the farmer.
"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.
The man gets back in the car.
"Well, where are we?" the wife asks.
"I don't know," the man says. "He doesn't speak English."

Bob Saget aristocrat joke

Man #1: A guy goes into a talent agent's office. He says, `I have the greatest act in the world.'
Man #2: Hey, oh.
Man #3: Me and my wife go on stage. We get undressed and I start (censored) my wife.
Man #4: I remember my grandmother sitting me down and telling me the joke. So she only spoke Yiddish. The only English word she knew was (censored).

An English Lord of the Manor returned home early from his grouse shoot to find his wife having s**... in bed with his best friend, the local MP.

'How could you, Miranda?' he cried. 'After everything I've done for you. I've given you this beautiful house, I've always provided you with the most expensive clothes and jewels, I bought you a Ferrari for your birthday, I've tried to be a kind husband, and this is how you repay me!'
Hearing this, the wife burst into tears.
The Lord then turned to the MP: 'And as for you, Reggie, you might at least have the decency to stop while I'm talking!'

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you

Hopping onto the trend of jokes translated into English, here's one from my family in Bosnia

Two men are sitting together and talking, the first asks, "Do you love your wife?"
The second replies, "Of course I love my wife!"
The first then says, "Ok but how much?"
The second man isn't sure how to answer, so the first man asks, "Say your wife is being attacked by a bear, what would you do?"
The second man simply says, "s**... bear."

I am married to a korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').
I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.
So when I go around and introduce my child I could say
"This is our child 모 Lester"

An American couple are driving across Canada

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.
"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.
He walks up to the farmer and asks,
"Hey there, can you tell me what the next town is called so my wife and I can find it on our map?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." the farmer says.
The man walks back to the car and gets in.
"Well honey, where do we go?" his wife asks.
"I don't know," the man says, "he doesn't speak English."

Here's a joke for English and irish

So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.

The wife of Korean immigrant was bed ridden with a high fever.

She hadn't had consciousness for a while and she was a burning 40 degrees Celsius. Worried, the husband tries to call for an ambulance, using his broken English.
"911 emergency, how can we help you."
"Wife in bed. She so hot."
"Okay... good for you."

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there's no difference but there is.
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!
And if you marry a wife like mine who likes shopping, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.

The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't.
She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

Always pray in English...

Mr. Sharma, a Hindu suffered a heart attack. The paramedics arrived and put Mr. Sharma in the ambulance and raced towards the hospital. Realizing his time had come, Mr. Sharma started reciting the Hindu prayer, "Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om..."
10 minutes later the paramedics brought him back to his house. His wife was aghast and asked the paramedics why they brought him back home?
The paramedics replied, "as soon as we were on our way, he kept shouting hurry home, hurry home, hurry home, so we brought him back..."

Couple went to New York and hired a Cab.

He had a broad Southern accent
Cabbies
: "whhhherre are Yaaah
Frumm?"
Wife: "what is he sayin?"
Husband: "asking where we from"
Husband to cabbie: "London"
Cabbie:" whereeee inn Londonn?"
Wife:"what is he sayin?"
Husband to wife: "asking where from in London"
Husband to cabbie: "Stamford"
Cabbie:" Stammfordd , I know the place, was there during the war and had an English girlfriend.
Had the worst s**... of my Life"
Wife:"what is he sayin now?"
Husband: " He says he knows you!!"

An Englishman, a Welshman, and an Irishman take their wives to breakfast

Tea is served
Trying to be cute the English man says to his wife
Would you like some sugar, sugar?
The Welshman trying to follow suit says to his wife
Would you like some honey, honey?
The Irishman refusing to be outdone says to his wife:
Would you like some milk, you fat fecking cow?

Exam

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.
Well, in plain English, the doctor replied, you're just lazy.
Okay, said the man.
Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.

An expectant father wants to call the local hospital to ask about his wife, who's in labour...

But in his haste, he accidentally calls the local cricket ground instead.
He asks about the situation, and the shock almost kills him.
"All is well, we've already got 3 out, there's another 7 to go, and we're hoping to be finished by lunchtime. Last one out was a duck."
(This one will make more sense to English readers, but enjoy it anyway!)

jokes about english wife

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these english wife jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.