English Speaking Jokes

A Spanish man who doesn't speak English says to a Mexican woman, "Lady, I want to make the love with you," and she says, "Mande?" and he says, "No Monday, today."

Chuck Norris speaks english, french, spanish, italian and portuguese.

At the same time in every sentence.

I can speak any language.

I just don't understand what I'm saying in anything but english.

In the 18th century, a hopeful Asian laborer landed in America and went straight to the employment office.

He didn't speak a word of English, and the men at the employment office couldn't figure out where he was from. They took a vote to see if he was Chinese or Japanese.
It was a Thai.

A man took a woman out for dinner...

but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.
The comments in another thread were slamming Readers Digest jokes, and that's where this one came from.

I cant English good?

I prefer to speaking to writing on paper so that my grammar isn't as tearable.

My dog can speak English.

My dog can speak English.
When I ask him how his day was, he says "rough!"
When I ask him what sandpaper feels like he says "rough!"
When I ask him where my golf ball went he says "rough!"
And when I ask him how aggressively he likes to play he says "I prefer to minimize the chance of injury"

A man asks his dog, "Can you speak English?"

The dog replies, "¡Por supuesto que puedo hombre no tonta, soy un perro!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Unfortunately, the beer doesn't understand English commands. But the bartender can speak easy.

Have you ever wanted to speak a foreign language fluently?

I did. So I went to Germany and spoke English.

5% of the time I make typing mistakes while messaging english speaking friends and 95% the German auto-correction will just..

Flicken es...

So there's an American English Teacher that went to Germany…

He went to a school to teach children how to speak English.
One the first day, he taught them all words that began with the letter A.
On the second day, he taught them words that started with B.
On the the third day, which was words with C, he thought to himself,
"How are they gonna handle D-Day?"

Nova seems to be a pretty popular Hispanic surname...

For me, since I speak English, that name would be a no-go

I want to take the opportunity to thank France for supporting American independence

If it wasn't for the French, America would be speaking English right now

International Boundaries

An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots and French in Canada, and how they intermarried with the Indians. "You'll find," he said "quite a number of Scot & French half-breeds, but you will not find any English half-breeds."
A Scot in the audience shouted, "The Indians have to draw the line somewhere!"

My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.

They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.

A cop stops a German child from driving on the highway

COP: How old are you? Do you speak english?
German: Nine.

American astronauts landed in Siberia. They walked for a long time in the taiga, met a man.

- Do you speak English? - they asked.
He answered:
- Yes, I do. But what's the point?

On holiday in Spain I saw a sign saying English speaking doctors, I thought what a good idea/

We should have them in England.

I've got all the qualifications you need to be a taxi driver.

I can't speak English and I can't drive.

Most people done believe me when I tell them Canada's Prine Minister as well as many Canadians can't pronounce the "th" sound when speaking in english, but ...

... it's Trudeau.

Problems of language ( sorry for bad english)

Two Hungaryan policeman stops a car. The driver cant speak hungaryan so he tries to speak in english. The two policeman cant understan it and they just looking at the guy. Then the driver speaks to them in german, french, and a bunch of other languages. The policemen let him go. Then one of them says: Shouldnt we learn any languages? The other says: Why sould we? That guy knows so many languages but they still useless.

How do speakers of Dutch, English, French and Danish communicate with each other?

They speak Mumble-Saxon.

My friend told me that I should learn more languages

I reminded him that technically I speak English, Irish, Scottish, American and Australian in one.

To a Hispanic, I tried to speak a Spanish sentence. He then slapped me in the face.

My English friend asked me if what I said was offensive.
I assured my friend that it was not offensive. I told him that I said "abofetearme en la cara."

An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.
"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.
He approaches the farmer.
"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.
The man gets back in the car.
"Well, where are we?" the wife asks.
"I don't know," the man says. "He doesn't speak English."

The tyrant Stalin never said the word "thank you" his whole life

Mostly because he didn't speak English.

Edward Jack gets a job...

Edward Jack gets a job at an average-paying office. He's popular among his co-workers, and his boss who speaks rough english. He fired a guy buy saying, You no job good! Since the boss can't pronounce Edward well, he calls him E. Jack.
One day Edward woke up late, got stuck in traffic, and was late to work. He got yelled at by his boss who said, E. JACK! YOU LATE!

As an American who only speaks English I can make this joke (it works better irl but whatever):

A: What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
B: Trilingual?
A: Yup! What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?
B: Bilingual.
A: Yes! What do you call someone who speaks one language?
B: Umm, unilingual?
A: No! American!

My Mexican cousin who can't speak a word of English just came back from Thailand all bloodied up. I asked him "que paso?"

He said muy Thai

A man is at a police station to file a case.

The cop asked, "¿Mataste al persona?"
To the man replied, "I don't speak Spanish, can you repeat it in English please?"
Cop: "¿Estabas allí cuando ocurrió el asesinato?"
Man: "I don't speak Spanish Sir, I can't understand what you're saying at all."
Cop: "¿Conocías al víctima?"
Man: "ENOUGH! I'm here to file a case and I DID NOT EXPECT A SPANISH INQUISITON AT ALL!"

Keeping the job

As a non-native English speaker, although I am speaking English relatively well and I know how to do my job, I had difficulty finding and keeping a job. Turns out there is a huge difference between 'hard working', 'hardly working' and 'hard at work'.

An American couple are driving across Canada

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.
"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.
He walks up to the farmer and asks,
"Hey there, can you tell me what the next town is called so my wife and I can find it on our map?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." the farmer says.
The man walks back to the car and gets in.
"Well honey, where do we go?" his wife asks.
"I don't know," the man says, "he doesn't speak English."

How much English can you speak

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to　be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his　way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

Political Joke

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."
This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh*t in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Joe Biden. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from Latin he says, "Adducere me ad Marriott deversorium"
The cab driver nods and puts the car in gear. As he into traffic he says, "Wow, you sure haven't been to Rome for a long time."

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, with who?
But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.
Instead ask, with whom? It is important to speak good English.

A Japanese couple is visiting America for the first time

When they arrive at the airport, it's just past dawn. The girlfriend, who doesn't speak any English, says in her native tongue "Good morning!"
To which the boyfriend tells her "No, babe, this is Nebraska."

An English farmer was walking through his field

He spotted a intruder crouched down by his pond. As he approached he realised the man was drinking pond water, cupping his hands.
"Oy ye dinnae wanna drink from there. It be full of hoss an' muck!" shouted the farmer.
The man looked up, startled. "Pardon monsieur but i am french. I am not understand well, please speak slow."
The farmer replied slowly and clearly "I said would you like a cup, you can drink faster that way."