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English Speaking Jokes

105 english speaking jokes and hilarious english speaking puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about english speaking that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest English Speaking Short Jokes

Short english speaking jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The english speaking humour may include short english speakers jokes also.

  1. When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?" "Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"
    She replied, "Just a riddle".
  2. When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.
  3. While I was living in Japan a woman approached me on the train... She said to me, "What's black and white and red all over?"
    "Wow," I said, "You can speak English?"
    "Just a riddle," she said.
  4. i told my cat i was gonna teach him to speak English ... he looked at me & said "Me? how?"
  5. What's the difference between a German and a Scot? The German knows when he's not speaking English.
  6. Don't be racist; be like Mario He's an Italian plumber, made by Asians, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, runs like a black man and grabs coins like a jew.
  7. I told my cat I'm going to teach him to speak English... He looked at me and said, "Me? How"....
  8. I said to my English speaking girlfriend, Today I meet a guy who posts on Reddit. That's 'met a', she replied.
  9. I used to own a Raven in Boston It could speak English, but the only word it knew was "Car"
  10. I wonder if stereotypically romantic Spanish characters...talk in pauses...because they learned...how to speak English...by watching...the subtitles...of romantic movies.

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English Speaking One Liners

Which english speaking one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with english speaking? I can suggest the ones about english language and english small.

  1. in mexico, we don't say "I love you" cause we dont speak english.
  2. I can speak 10 languages. English and Binary
  3. You know i speak two languages too. English (US)🇺🇸 and English (UK) 🇬🇧
  4. Have you ever tried to get french bread in a english speaking country ? It's a pain
  5. Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone? He didn't speak English.
  6. What language does a flight attendant speak? Plane English.
  7. How do you define someone who only speaks English? American.
  8. All gamers are bilingual... They speak both English and Profanity.
  9. This guy phoned my house and asked for my son. I said, "Speaking?"
    He said, "English."
  10. An unconvincing lie on a resume I good English speak.
  11. My dog can speak English! I asked him what was on top of the house and he said : roof
  12. What did the chicken say to the farmer Nothing, chickens don't speak English.
  13. i have been trying to teach my dog to speak English.... but his skills are ruff
  14. If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English...
  15. Let's talk business. - Ok, let's talk business.
    - I'm sorry sir, I only speak English.

Hilarious English Speaking Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about english speaking you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean speaking english jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make english speaking pranks.

A Spanish man who doesn't speak English says to a Mexican woman, "Lady, I want to make the love with you," and she says, "Mande?" and he says, "No Monday, today."

I can speak any language.

I just don't understand what I'm saying in anything but english.

Speaking in German in Texas

In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

What did the r**... say to the Frenchman?

You don't speak English fourchette!

In the 18th century, a hopeful Asian laborer landed in America and went straight to the employment office.

He didn't speak a word of English, and the men at the employment office couldn't figure out where he was from. They took a vote to see if he was Chinese or Japanese.
It was a Thai.

A man took a woman out for dinner...

but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.
The comments in another thread were slamming Readers Digest jokes, and that's where this one came from.

I cant English good?

I prefer to speaking to writing on paper so that my grammar isn't as tearable.

My dog can speak English.

My dog can speak English.
When I ask him how his day was, he says "rough!"
When I ask him what sandpaper feels like he says "rough!"
When I ask him where my golf ball went he says "rough!"
And when I ask him how aggressively he likes to play he says "I prefer to minimize the chance of injury"

A woman decides to call her friend in a foreign language while waiting in line at a grocery store.

When she finishes, a racist American man gets annoyed.
The man says, "You have to speak English in God's forsaken land of America! If you want to speak Spanish, go back to Mexico!"
The woman says, "I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England."

Do you speak English?

Do you speak English?
-Yes!
Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
s**...?
- Three to five times a week.
No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, d**..., any style!
Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast...

Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views...

...toddlers are the worst.

So I had s**... with this Asian girl the other day...

She didn't speak much English, but I think she liked it. She kept on screaming "Wong h**...! Wong h**...!"

Don't be racist, be like Mario...

He's an Italian plumber created by Japanese people who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican, and runs like a Jamaican, and jumps like a Black man, and grabs coins like a Jew...

Have you ever wanted to speak a foreign language fluently?

I did. So I went to Germany and spoke English.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

Swimming

So i translated this Serbian joke (but i dont speak english good) hope that u will get it
Two friends are talking and one say :
-My mom married again, and my step-father is teaching me how to swim!
-So, how is it going?
-Nice! I already learned how to get myself out of the sack!

A man goes to Japan on business and hires a p**....

He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.
The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

How do you say?

How do you say ''Hablas Español'' in English?
Do you speak Spanish?
No, that's why I'm asking?

So there's an American English Teacher that went to Germany…

He went to a school to teach children how to speak English.
One the first day, he taught them all words that began with the letter A.
On the second day, he taught them words that started with B.
On the the third day, which was words with C, he thought to himself,
"How are they gonna handle D-Day?"

I'm a multilingual person.

I know how to speak English, b**... and Sarcasm.

A man was sitting in a bar...

A man was sitting in a bar when he noticed two ladies speaking in an English accent across from him. He went to them and asked:
"Are you ladies from England?"
The ladies said "It's wales you idiot"
The man goes "Sorry. Are you two whales from England?"

Nova seems to be a pretty popular Hispanic surname...

For me, since I speak English, that name would be a no-go

Learning English

So a man and his wife decided to speak in English at home to improve their language skills.
Her: Hunney, I'm going to rest a little bit.
Him: Sure hunney, rest in peace.

What's the difference between a r**... and E.T.?

E.T. could speak English and wanted to go home.

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.

International Boundaries

An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots and French in Canada, and how they intermarried with the Indians. "You'll find," he said "quite a number of Scot & French half-breeds, but you will not find any English half-breeds."
A Scot in the audience shouted, "The Indians have to draw the line somewhere!"

My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.

They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.

Do you speak english?

- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul bal-Rhasib
- s**...?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, d**..., any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast.

American astronauts landed in Siberia. They walked for a long time in the taiga, met a man.

- Do you speak English? - they asked.
He answered:
- Yes, I do. But what's the point?

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?

An immigrant moves to New York City from another country...

He can bearly speak broken English. He notices mice in his apartment and immediately calls the landlord to report the problem. Hello!
-Hello, what's the problem?
-You know Tom and j**...?
-Yes, Tom and j**...?
-Well, j**... problem.

On holiday in Spain I saw a sign saying English speaking doctors, I thought what a good idea/

We should have them in England.

I've got all the qualifications you need to be a taxi driver.

I can't speak English and I can't drive.

An English couple is driving through central Canada and realize that they're lost, so they pull over and ask a local which city they're in,

The local kindly replies "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The couple says thank you, and leave. "Did you understand that?" The woman asks the man.
"No, he didn't even speak English!"

What's the difference between Trump and Macron?

One can speak English fluently and the other is the US President.

200Years in the future.

A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.
"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"
The space group is quite surprised by this. Most of them think about turning back and going to earth. When one man in the back of the group, Unseen by the aliens, Shows himself. Upon his sight the aliens appear to become much more peaceful with the humans.
"Oh you brought Dave with you! Why didn't you say so."

Never in his life has h**... said sorry

He didn't speak English

Problems of language ( sorry for bad english)

Two Hungaryan policeman stops a car. The driver cant speak hungaryan so he tries to speak in english. The two policeman cant understan it and they just looking at the guy. Then the driver speaks to them in german, french, and a bunch of other languages. The policemen let him go. Then one of them says: Shouldnt we learn any languages? The other says: Why sould we? That guy knows so many languages but they still useless.

How do speakers of Dutch, English, French and Danish communicate with each other?

They speak Mumble-Saxon.

An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.
"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.
He approaches the farmer.
"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.
The man gets back in the car.
"Well, where are we?" the wife asks.
"I don't know," the man says. "He doesn't speak English."

Non English speaking mom boasts about my profession to her friends "My son is a Racist!!!"

MOM! ITS RACER!

The tyrant Stalin never said the word "thank you" his whole life

Mostly because he didn't speak English.

Do not be racist

Be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.
The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have sh-t in it.')
The kneeling man shouts back:
'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English.'
The Amish farmer says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more

Edward Jack gets a job...

Edward Jack gets a job at an average-paying office. He's popular among his co-workers, and his boss who speaks rough english. He fired a guy buy saying, You no job good! Since the boss can't pronounce Edward well, he calls him E. Jack.
One day Edward woke up late, got stuck in traffic, and was late to work. He got yelled at by his boss who said, E. JACK! YOU LATE!

Two s**... guys...

Two s**... guys were riding a car when a policeman stopped them. The driver told his friend keep quiet, you will get us in trouble if you speak, I'll do the talking ! The policeman knocked lightly on the window motioning to them to role it down and said good evening gentlemen the driver exclaimed which w**... you are talking about ?!
Edit : English is not my first language so be kind please.
Edit 2: changed smarter to driver.

As an American who only speaks English I can make this joke (it works better irl but whatever):

A: What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
B: Trilingual?
A: Yup! What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?
B: Bilingual.
A: Yes! What do you call someone who speaks one language?
B: Umm, unilingual?
A: No! American!

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During s**..., she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!
The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!
The client replies What the h**... do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

My Mexican cousin who can't speak a word of English just came back from Thailand all bloodied up. I asked him "que paso?"

He said muy Thai

A man is at a police station to file a case.

The cop asked, "¿Mataste al persona?"
To the man replied, "I don't speak Spanish, can you repeat it in English please?"
Cop: "¿Estabas allí cuando ocurrió el asesinato?"
Man: "I don't speak Spanish Sir, I can't understand what you're saying at all."
Cop: "¿Conocías al víctima?"
Man: "ENOUGH! I'm here to file a case and I DID NOT EXPECT A SPANISH INQUISITON AT ALL!"

Jumping on the bandwagon: I wanna see if this Spanish joke is as funny to English speakers.

Q. What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
A. Bilingual
Q. What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
A. Trilingual
Q. What do you call someone who speaks many languages?
A. Polyglot
Q. What do you call someone who speaks one language?
A. American

Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking

An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely s**... female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very s**..., very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."

Keeping the job

As a non-native English speaker, although I am speaking English relatively well and I know how to do my job, I had difficulty finding and keeping a job. Turns out there is a huge difference between 'hard working', 'hardly working' and 'hard at work'.

How much English can you speak

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

Political Joke

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."
This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh*t in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Joe Biden. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are in an art gallery

They are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.
"Look at how reserved and calm they are," the Englishman says, "they would definitely be English."
"They are n**... and beautiful, they would have to be French." The Frenchmen counters.
The Russian speaks up, "no clothes, no shelter, no bed, they have only an apple between them, and they're told this is paradise. They are certainly Russian."

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from Latin he says, "Adducere me ad Marriott deversorium"
The cab driver nods and puts the car in gear. As he into traffic he says, "Wow, you sure haven't been to Rome for a long time."

A woman is talking on her phone while waiting in line at the bank.

After she gets off the call, the man behind her taps her on the shoulder and says, "I didn't want to interrupt your call, but next time you need to speak in English"
"Excuse me?" the woman replied.
"This is America," the man said, "We speak English in America. If you wanna speak Spanish, you can go back to Mexico."
"Sir, I was speaking Navajo, which was a language of this country long before you came here," the woman replied, "If you want to speak English, you can go back to England"

A British ship is sinking.

The radio operator is sending out a distress call saying "Mayday, mayday we are sinking. Please help."
A few kilometers away, a German ship hears the call, and the radio operator, who doesn't speak English very well and is new on the job, answers
"uh hello, we hear you. Um, what are you sinking about?"

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, with who?
But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.
Instead ask, with whom? It is important to speak good English.

An English speaking man is dating a Spanish speaking women

He makes sure to tell her "mucho" every day. It means a lot to her.

A Japanese couple is visiting America for the first time

When they arrive at the airport, it's just past dawn. The girlfriend, who doesn't speak any English, says in her native tongue "Good morning!"
To which the boyfriend tells her "No, babe, this is Nebraska."

An English farmer was walking through his field

He spotted a intruder crouched down by his pond. As he approached he realised the man was drinking pond water, cupping his hands.
"Oy ye dinnae wanna drink from there. It be full of hoss an' muck!" shouted the farmer.
The man looked up, startled. "Pardon monsieur but i am french. I am not understand well, please speak slow."
The farmer replied slowly and clearly "I said would you like a cup, you can drink faster that way."

A Brazilian needs to buy a ticket but don't speak English.

So he decides to listen and copy the person at the front of the queue.
He listens.
"Ticket to midway one-way."
When it's his turn, he asks.
"Ticket to new york one-ork"
~~P.S. I don't speak English. I'm try hard.~~

jokes about english speaking