English Small Jokes
13 english small jokes and hilarious english small puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about english small that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest English Small Short Jokes
Short english small jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The english small humour may include short english new jokes also.
- Small Joke. What Do English Teachers Say When Students Are Late To Class?
"Ask Not For Whom The Bell Tolls, As It Tolls For Thee!"
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Hilarious Fun English Small Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about english small you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean english speaking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make english small pranks.
An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...
An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds."
"No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It's far too expensive."
"How 'bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull.
"Whose skull is that?"
"Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"
What did the Computer Science major say to the English major?
Yeah I'll take a #3 with a small fry and a Dr. Pepper, and a #7, just the sandwich. Do you guys still have that smoky barbeque sauce or has it been discontinued?
An English tourist in a Cairo marketplace was offered a large skull by a street trader
"This is the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra for only One hundred English pound." said the trader.
The tourist says, "No thank you, it's far too expensive."
Then the trader produces a small skull and says, "How about this one?"
The tourist asks, "Whose skull is that?"
The trader replies, "Tis the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra when she was a little girl!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I translated this joke into English from my native language
Woman goes to the witch and asks what will she accomplish in her life the witch says: You will cause death of 60 million people,, Woman runs through whole city and when she gets to her house she sees a small boy sitting in the middle of the road and big truck coming towards him she grabs him takes him off the road sits on a bench next to him and asks: whats your name little boy?,,
The boy answers: Adolf h**...,,
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping...
After dinner, they drink some whisky and fall asleep in their tent. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and asks Watson if he sees anything particular.
Watson:
Watson:
Holmes:
Sorry for the poor english, but it's not my native language.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Proctologist visit
*This is and old joke, sorry if it does not translate as well to english.
*
A man goes to a proctologist, for a check up.
The doctor, after some small talk ask him to drop trousers, and bend over. He l**... his finger and stick it in.
After a minute the doctor says.
Doctor - Sir, i have bad news. I am afraid you are going to have to stop m**....
The man clearly is taken aback from this preposterous comment, and just manages to say "why?"
The doctor calm as ever, and still wearing him as a ventriloquist doll says: "Cause I am still in the room performing this exam."
There once was a big, strong bull...
There once was this big, strong bull. Had a ring in his nose, big horns and he went by the name of Hannibal. He had a field to himself with green grass, small dandelions and a fence. One day, the farmer brings some pretty cute cows and puts them in the field next to Hannibal.
So the bull walks up to the barbed wire and checks out the pretty ladies on the other side. He knows that he would like to get to know them a bit better - if you know what I mean - , but there is this fence between them. So he waits until the farmer leaves, takes a long run and jumps over the fence into the other field.
The cows look all startled and giggle: "O my, Hannibal... how did you get in here?"
He winks: "Just call me Hanni, honey... The rest I left hanging in the barbed wire."
- Sorry for the English, it is not my first language.
Catholic School
So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs.
Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew.
The next week, Thanksgiving rolls around and the parents have the neighbors over to eat Turkey with them. The neighbor after a while can't help but remark "I know it's not my place, but your son is very unruly."
The parents sigh and say they have no idea what to do with him. The neighbor replies "I know you're Jewish but try Catholic School. Those nuns instill serious discipline in children."
Feeling out of options, the parents do enroll the son in Catholic School, and that same day he comes home from school the model son they always wished he was.
The parents are flabbergasted. They ask "Did the nuns beat you?", and the son replies "No mother, they did not." So the parent's say "Then how did this happen?" and the son replied "Well, when I saw the guy hanging on the wall there, I knew they meant business!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman And An Irishman
*Chances are this has been posted before, but as an Irishman with English roots I've always found it hilarious. Enjoy! :D*
An Englishman and an Irishman in two separate cars were driving down a lonely country road on a cold, misty night at 100 kilometers per hour. Neither men were being particularly careful, given the icy conditions, and the result was a terrible c**... in which both cars were almost completely destroyed.
Miraculously however, both men survived.
The Irishman was the first to react:
'Jesus, Mary and Joseph, we're alive! It's a sign from God I think, that we should put aside the distrust between our two countrys and become best friends!'
'I agree!' Came the Englishman's ebullient response, who then pulled a small flask of whiskey from his pocket. 'Let's celebrate our new-found friendship with a drink!'
The Irishman took the proffered flask and downed half of it, before offering it back to the Englishman.
'No thanks,' Came his companion's reply. 'I think I'll wait till the police show up.'.
A joke we tell tourists in china
Back when the Terra-cotta Soldiers were discovered, Bill and Hilary Clinton decided to visit the site. It was also asked of the chinese officials arranging the tour, that the Clintons could meet the meek and old chinese man that discovered the Terra-cotta.
Back then, the Terra-cotta site was out in the province in a small local village. This village was the hometown of the fortunate old chinese man who discovered them and was going to meet POTUS. It also meant he had no education and spoke no english.
So the chinese officials prepared the old chinese discoverer with a few basic english phrases such as:
"hi, how are you"
"Fine, you?"
"Me too"
The day finally came and, naturally, the old chinese discoverer was nervous to be meeting Clinton. None the less he went through the english he was taught in his head and wasn't going to lose face.
Smiling, Clinton approached the old chinese discoverer and said, "Hello"
The chinese discoverer paused briefly to recall, but out of nervousness mispronounced; "Hi, who are you?"
"I am the President of the United States and the husband of this lovely lady," a surprised Clinton said while pointing at his wife.
"Me too," he replied
Rent for the apartment!
A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:-
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan.
Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan. Their captors take them to a mine field and tell them that if they can escape to the checkpoint on the other side, they are free to go. To do so they offer them each whatever transport they want to cross it.
The Englishman chooses a Rover, solidly built enough to take a blow from a mine perhaps. He hits a mine and explodes. Dead.
The Frenchman chooses a Renault, small and quick so it may be able to get between the mines, he thinks. He hits a mine and explodes. Dead.
The German asks for a large rubber duck, with a spring stuck on each corner. The Taliban suspect him to be mad, but its good sport so they find him a big rubber duck and kit it out as per his instructions.
He bounces his contraption over the mine field. He hits a mine and explodes. But the e**... carries him forward and he bounces to the next one. He crosses the whole minefield unharmed.
The Taliban at the other side are perplexed by this. "How did you ever manage to devise such a solution to crossing minefields?" they ask.
"Oh it is an old German method," he replies, "We call it the Four-Sprung Duck Technique."