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English People Jokes

62 english people jokes and hilarious english people puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about english people that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest English People Short Jokes

Short english people jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The english people humour may include short english man jokes also.

  1. How many English people does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. What do you think they are? Americans?
  2. It's sad to see people with MBA's ending up as McDonald's cashiers They're taking jobs from English majors.
  3. People claim that in the English language, y can be a vowel but I think that's just a myth
  4. Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views... ...toddlers are the worst.
  5. What's the scariest sentence in the English language? We're going to let the people of Alabama make the call.
  6. I don't understand why so many people major in English Literature. I mean there's only so many ways to ask, "Do you want fries with that?"
  7. The people who designed the English language had an interesting sense of humor... I would love to meet the guy who made up the spelling for lisp.
  8. What are the two types of people who love the words "Who, what, when, where and why?" English teachers and Alzheimer's patients
  9. I don't understand why the English say "it's coming home". I thought that they out of all people should know to use "they" when addressing more people.
  10. It's Great That So Many People Are Getting Degrees in English I mean, how else would the pizzas get delivered?

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English People One Liners

Which english people one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with english people? I can suggest the ones about english speakers and english new.

  1. How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English? Dairy practice.
  2. Why don't English people pronounce their 'T's? Because they drank them all
  3. Unlike most English people my girlfriend doesn't have bad teeth. She sold them.
  4. Really, there is a language more ambiguous than English ... but most people don't get it.
  5. Why do english people drink so much? because they have a liverpool...
  6. What do English people call dumpsters Big Bens
  7. All day I've tried to convince people I'm English but I failed... I'm leaving now

Comedy English People Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle

What funny jokes about english people you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean english speaking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make english people pranks.

Une blague en Français - For french people only

Une femme avoue à son mari qu'elle a un fantasme depuis plusieurs années de faire l'amour pendant qu'un grand noir leur fait du vent avec une feuille de palmier.
Après y avoir bien réfléchi, le mari décide de demander à son collègue de l'aider.
Le lendemain, ils sont donc tous les 3 (la femme, le mari et le collègue) dans la chambre à coucher. Le mari commence à prendre sa femme pendant que le collègue bouge la feuille de palmier.
Après quelques minutes, sentant que sa femme ne réagit pas tellement, le mari propose à son collègue d'échanger de place avec lui. Et là, la femme crie et pleure de joie pendant que son mari fait bouger la feuille de palmier rapidement.
Au bout de quelques minutes la femme finit par jouir comme une folle.
Le mari engueule alors son collègue : "Tu vois ! C'est comme ça qu'on doit faire du vent avec une feuille de palmier !!"
*N.B. : I have nothing against english it is just easier for me to write this Joke in French.*

Scottish man studies in an English University

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps b**... his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

How to speak English

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy s**... activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a Cycle "
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My Cycle."

Two Germans in London

Two Germans wanted to visit London just a few months after the second world war. Because they are afraid that people will judge them for being German they decide to pretend like they are Englishmen.
After a long day of site-seeing they walk into a pub to have a drink.
They walk up to the bar and ask the barkeeper in perfect English:
"Could we have two sherries please?"
The bar keeper responds:"Dry?"
"NEIN ZWEI!!!"

Indian chief

So there's this Indian reservation, and the food stamps are 3 days late. People are starting to get uppity about it. So the local chief has to leave and go talk to the government people about it. He doesn't know English very well, so he is scared. But he makes sure not to let other see fear on his face. He goes down to the office, gets in line, and an old woman yells to him from the side of the room "hey! What's your name?"
He answers "Red Eagle Circle Water."
The woman replies "You don't hear a name like that every day."
The chief is confused, and he says back "Yeah I do."

My second favorite joke that came to me in a dream.

Woke up thinking I had told this one to all of my friends and they thought it was truly dumb. I told it to them IRL anyway:
Everybody else went back to the hostel, so I ended up walking around Switzerland by myself at one in the morning. I'm passing this bar when I hear people cheering. I could use a drink so I pop in, and I find all of the chairs pushed aside, and there's a guy in the middle of the floor juggling big slabs of beef. Right? So I grab a beer and sit down to watch, and it's actually, just, mesmerizing. The meat is raw, so it's sort of rippling through the air, fascinating to watch. I heard the guy next to me speak English, so I lean over and I ask him if this is primarily a Swiss sport or what. He says, "Yeah, it's hard to get people interested in sirloin juggling. You're not likely to make any money or even make a name for yourself, and yet the steaks are so high."

Hopefully this translates well into English..

A man is sitting on a park bench reading a book called "Logic" and another man walking past sits down beside him and asks what logic means..
The man reading the book asks, "Well, do you have an aquarium at home?"
"Yes! I do!"
"So I'm guessing you have fish in your aquarium?"
"I do!"
"And if you have fish in your aquarium, I'm guessing you like animals..?"
"Yes, I like animals!"
"And if you like animals, I would say you like people as well?"
"Yes, I like I people.."
"And if you like people, I guess you like women too?"
"Oh yes, I LOVE women!"
"Well there you go, that's what logic is!"
The man contemplates the answer he received and is satisfied with it and is about to get up to leave, when he asks: "What would've happened if I said that I didn't have an aquarium at home?"
The man on the bench thinks to himself for a minute and answers, "Well, you would've obviously been gay then".

Fortune teller

A guy who knows little English sees man across the street, this man has a funny hat, a beard and looks like a typical fortune teller.
Guy: excuse me, can you read fortune?
Fortune teller: okay just let me get out my phone, ah here we are, I see some people talking about drugs, a banana and a guy getting his head cut off.
Guy: that happen to me?
Fortune teller: oh *fortune*… I thought you said 4chan

So I hear there is a rule about not ending sentences with a preposition.

A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an Atlanta airport coffee shop waiting for her flight back to Connecticut, when a friendly Southern belle sat down next to her.
'Where y'all goin' to?' asked the Southern belle.
Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied 'I don't answer people who end their sentences with prepositions'.
The Southern belle thought a moment, and tried again. 'Where y'all goin' to, b**...?'

Why are 25 of the 26 letters in the English alphabet problematic to Jewish people?

Because they're not C's.

I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.

Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China.
The governor: Fine people...I don't know.
Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?
Farmer: I'm a farmer.
Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?
Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced.
Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?
Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course.
Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government.
Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask.
Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?
Farmer: I actually have two cows.

From an English Professor.

"In the world of hi-tech gadgetry , I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the practice of using capital letters.
The use of capitals , known as capitalization , is the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse, and helping your uncle j**... a horse.
Is everybody clear on that ?"

TIL that the current chinese president Xi Jinping, has a PhD in English literature.

That's why the Chinese people call him "The Great Reader".

Why are dogs smarter than people?

Because dogs can understand English, can you understand Dog?

Don't be racist, be like Mario...

He's an Italian plumber created by Japanese people who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican, and runs like a Jamaican, and jumps like a Black man, and grabs coins like a Jew...

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

George W. Bush visits Algeria.

As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra..."

Two english men

Two english men discover a forbidden island and come across a tribe of big masculine men.
The tribe takes the english men hostage and offer them one of two options; death or bullar.
The english men ask "what is bullar?"
The leader of the tribe states "each of us get to take turns r**... you. So what'll it be?"
The first english man goes "well i dont want to die, so i guess i choose bullar" and each member of the tribe has a go at him.
The second english man says "well that looked terrible so i guess i choose death"
The tribes people yell "okay, death by bullar"

Two Belgian men are wandering around, far away from their town...

...when they walk past a bus depot. One of the men has the idea to steal a bus, so they can go home. The other man agrees and one of them climbs over the fence to steal a bus. After a lot of noise and two hours later, the Belgian finally returns with a bus. The other man asked what took him so long. The Belgian man responds: "The bus to Brussels was at the back of the building!"
Note 1: I think this is not a repost (I checked for it).
Note 2: English isn't my native language, so the story may contain some mistakes. Any corrections would be appreciated!
Note 3: In the Dutch jokeconomy, the Belgians are usually the s**... people.

They say you are what you eat. For example pies.

In that case English people are crusty and full of gravy.

I want to date a Chinese girl, an English girl, a Vietnamese girl, an Irish girl, and another Chinese girl.

So I can tell people I dated Hu, Watt, Nguyen, Weir, and Wai.

The Welsh were the first people to use a sheep's intestine as a c**....

The English improved the design by removing the rest of the sheep prior to use.

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. I beg to differ because, there is...
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE."
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED!"
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED"

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY" and then jumps off the plane. Then, the English one come to the door, screams "RULE BRITANNIA" with a UK flag in hand and jump off too. Then, it's the time of the American assistant. He calmly walks to the door, pick a American flag and screams "FOR AMERICA"



And throw Donald Trump out of the plane

Most people done believe me when I tell them Canada's Prine Minister as well as many Canadians can't pronounce the "th" sound when speaking in english, but ...

... it's Trudeau.

200Years in the future.

A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.
"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"
The space group is quite surprised by this. Most of them think about turning back and going to earth. When one man in the back of the group, Unseen by the aliens, Shows himself. Upon his sight the aliens appear to become much more peaceful with the humans.
"Oh you brought Dave with you! Why didn't you say so."

It's okay if white people invade Mexico illegally, only speaking English, taking jobs, bringing gangs, r**... and drugs while demand citizenship?

That is the Politically Correct thing to do.

Justice has been served [long, English humour]

Justice has been served!
There's been some scumbag called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone.

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you

I translated this joke into English from my native language

Woman goes to the witch and asks what will she accomplish in her life the witch says: You will cause death of 60 million people,, Woman runs through whole city and when she gets to her house she sees a small boy sitting in the middle of the road and big truck coming towards him she grabs him takes him off the road sits on a bench next to him and asks: whats your name little boy?,,
The boy answers: Adolf h**...,,

While on a vacation in a foreign country, a man begins to drown in a lake

Suddenly, he sees two people walking by. He realises that he doesn't know the language.
"Help! Help!" he screams in English, to no reaction.
"Hilfe! Hilfe", he tries German. No reaction either.
" Socorro! Socorro!" he tries Spanish.
The people do nothing, so he drowns. As both passerby are walking away, one turns to another and says: "What do you think... should we learn another language?"
"Why? This guy spoke three languages and it didn't help him a bit"

Here's a joke for English and irish

So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.

Common English Mistakes

Common English Mistakes
-mixing up there, their, and they're
-using the wrong too, to, or two
-putting commas in the wrong place
-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches
-using apostrophes for plurals

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there's no difference but there is.
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!
And if you marry a wife like mine who likes shopping, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next
year.
A Sicilian actuary can give you their names . . . .

Drains on society

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, this past election year has really got me thinking. Did you know 4 million of these people enter our country each year? They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hard-working Americans and the government is doing nothing to stop them. Not to mention that they are dirty and they smell bad! They don't even speak English!!!" the guy rants to the bartender. "I hate babies."

4 million of these people...

### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I really hate babies.

I overheard some people talking about the english language.

I decided to put in my two cents worth. One said that the English language is confusing. "It's," I agreed. The other said, "Oh yeah? Have you had an education on it?" "I've," I responded. "So what? You some kinda english wizard or something?" I responded simply, "Some would say: I'm."

jokes about english people