English People Jokes
52 english people jokes and hilarious english people puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about english people that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest English People Short Jokes
Short english people jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The english people humour may include short english man jokes also.
- It's sad to see people with MBA's ending up as McDonald's cashiers They're taking jobs from English majors.
- People claim that in the English language, y can be a vowel but I think that's just a myth
- What's the scariest sentence in the English language? We're going to let the people of Alabama make the call.
- I don't understand why so many people major in English Literature. I mean there's only so many ways to ask, "Do you want fries with that?"
- The people who designed the English language had an interesting sense of humor... I would love to meet the guy who made up the spelling for lisp.
- What are the two types of people who love the words "Who, what, when, where and why?" English teachers and Alzheimer's patients
- I don't understand why the English say "it's coming home". I thought that they out of all people should know to use "they" when addressing more people.
- It's Great That So Many People Are Getting Degrees in English I mean, how else would the pizzas get delivered?
- I want to date a Chinese girl, an English girl, a Vietnamese girl, an Irish girl, and another Chinese girl. So I can tell people I dated Hu, Watt, Nguyen, Weir, and Wai.
- Why are 25 of the 26 letters in the English alphabet problematic to Jewish people? Because they're not C's.
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English People One Liners
Which english people one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with english people? I can suggest the ones about english speakers and english new.
- How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English? Dairy practice.
- Unlike most English people my girlfriend doesn't have bad teeth. She sold them.
- Really, there is a language more ambiguous than English ... but most people don't get it.
- What do English people call dumpsters Big Bens
- All day I've tried to convince people I'm English but I failed... I'm leaving now
- Why don't English people pronounce their 'T's? Because they drank them all
- Why do english people drink so much? because they have a liverpool...
Comedy English People Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about english people you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean english speaking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make english people pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish Painter
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the n**.... This being
the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed,
particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in
fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while
he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked
much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the
decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The
wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint you in the n**... all right; but I have to at least leave me
socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
Une blague en Français - For french people only
Une femme avoue à son mari qu'elle a un fantasme depuis plusieurs années de faire l'amour pendant qu'un grand noir leur fait du vent avec une feuille de palmier.
Après y avoir bien réfléchi, le mari décide de demander à son collègue de l'aider.
Le lendemain, ils sont donc tous les 3 (la femme, le mari et le collègue) dans la chambre à coucher. Le mari commence à prendre sa femme pendant que le collègue bouge la feuille de palmier.
Après quelques minutes, sentant que sa femme ne réagit pas tellement, le mari propose à son collègue d'échanger de place avec lui. Et là, la femme crie et pleure de joie pendant que son mari fait bouger la feuille de palmier rapidement.
Au bout de quelques minutes la femme finit par jouir comme une folle.
Le mari engueule alors son collègue : "Tu vois ! C'est comme ça qu'on doit faire du vent avec une feuille de palmier !!"
*N.B. : I have nothing against english it is just easier for me to write this Joke in French.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scottish man studies in an English University
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps b**... his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to speak English
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy s**... activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a Cycle "
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My Cycle."
Indian chief
So there's this Indian reservation, and the food stamps are 3 days late. People are starting to get uppity about it. So the local chief has to leave and go talk to the government people about it. He doesn't know English very well, so he is scared. But he makes sure not to let other see fear on his face. He goes down to the office, gets in line, and an old woman yells to him from the side of the room "hey! What's your name?"
He answers "Red Eagle Circle Water."
The woman replies "You don't hear a name like that every day."
The chief is confused, and he says back "Yeah I do."
My second favorite joke that came to me in a dream.
Woke up thinking I had told this one to all of my friends and they thought it was truly dumb. I told it to them IRL anyway:
Everybody else went back to the hostel, so I ended up walking around Switzerland by myself at one in the morning. I'm passing this bar when I hear people cheering. I could use a drink so I pop in, and I find all of the chairs pushed aside, and there's a guy in the middle of the floor juggling big slabs of beef. Right? So I grab a beer and sit down to watch, and it's actually, just, mesmerizing. The meat is raw, so it's sort of rippling through the air, fascinating to watch. I heard the guy next to me speak English, so I lean over and I ask him if this is primarily a Swiss sport or what. He says, "Yeah, it's hard to get people interested in sirloin juggling. You're not likely to make any money or even make a name for yourself, and yet the steaks are so high."
Hopefully this translates well into English..
A man is sitting on a park bench reading a book called "Logic" and another man walking past sits down beside him and asks what logic means..
The man reading the book asks, "Well, do you have an aquarium at home?"
"Yes! I do!"
"So I'm guessing you have fish in your aquarium?"
"I do!"
"And if you have fish in your aquarium, I'm guessing you like animals..?"
"Yes, I like animals!"
"And if you like animals, I would say you like people as well?"
"Yes, I like I people.."
"And if you like people, I guess you like women too?"
"Oh yes, I LOVE women!"
"Well there you go, that's what logic is!"
The man contemplates the answer he received and is satisfied with it and is about to get up to leave, when he asks: "What would've happened if I said that I didn't have an aquarium at home?"
The man on the bench thinks to himself for a minute and answers, "Well, you would've obviously been gay then".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fortune teller
A guy who knows little English sees man across the street, this man has a funny hat, a beard and looks like a typical fortune teller.
Guy: excuse me, can you read fortune?
Fortune teller: okay just let me get out my phone, ah here we are, I see some people talking about drugs, a banana and a guy getting his head cut off.
Guy: that happen to me?
Fortune teller: oh *fortune*… I thought you said 4chan
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I hear there is a rule about not ending sentences with a preposition.
A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an Atlanta airport coffee shop waiting for her flight back to Connecticut, when a friendly Southern belle sat down next to her.
'Where y'all goin' to?' asked the Southern belle.
Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied 'I don't answer people who end their sentences with prepositions'.
The Southern belle thought a moment, and tried again. 'Where y'all goin' to, b**...?'
I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.
Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China.
The governor: Fine people...I don't know.
Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?
Farmer: I'm a farmer.
Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?
Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced.
Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?
Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course.
Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government.
Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask.
Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?
Farmer: I actually have two cows.
TIL that the current chinese president Xi Jinping, has a PhD in English literature.
That's why the Chinese people call him "The Great Reader".
Why are dogs smarter than people?
Because dogs can understand English, can you understand Dog?
A burglar sneaks into a house one night...
As he was looking for valuables he heard someone say "Jesus is watching you".
Shocked, he turns on his flashlight and sees a parrot. He asks the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot says "Yes". Amused, the burglar asks the parrot its name, to which the parrot replies "Moses".
The burglar is surprised, and asks "What kind of people names their parrot Moses?"
The parrot looks at the pair of glowing eyes behind the robber and says, "The same kind of people who names their pitbull Jesus."
P.s. Sorry for sucky English.
George W. Bush visits Algeria.
As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two english men
Two english men discover a forbidden island and come across a tribe of big masculine men.
The tribe takes the english men hostage and offer them one of two options; death or bullar.
The english men ask "what is bullar?"
The leader of the tribe states "each of us get to take turns r**... you. So what'll it be?"
The first english man goes "well i dont want to die, so i guess i choose bullar" and each member of the tribe has a go at him.
The second english man says "well that looked terrible so i guess i choose death"
The tribes people yell "okay, death by bullar"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Belgian men are wandering around, far away from their town...
...when they walk past a bus depot. One of the men has the idea to steal a bus, so they can go home. The other man agrees and one of them climbs over the fence to steal a bus. After a lot of noise and two hours later, the Belgian finally returns with a bus. The other man asked what took him so long. The Belgian man responds: "The bus to Brussels was at the back of the building!"
Note 1: I think this is not a repost (I checked for it).
Note 2: English isn't my native language, so the story may contain some mistakes. Any corrections would be appreciated!
Note 3: In the Dutch jokeconomy, the Belgians are usually the s**... people.
The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane
With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY" and then jumps off the plane. Then, the English one come to the door, screams "RULE BRITANNIA" with a UK flag in hand and jump off too. Then, it's the time of the American assistant. He calmly walks to the door, pick a American flag and screams "FOR AMERICA"
And throw Donald Trump out of the plane
Most people done believe me when I tell them Canada's Prine Minister as well as many Canadians can't pronounce the "th" sound when speaking in english, but ...
... it's Trudeau.
200Years in the future.
A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.
"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"
The space group is quite surprised by this. Most of them think about turning back and going to earth. When one man in the back of the group, Unseen by the aliens, Shows himself. Upon his sight the aliens appear to become much more peaceful with the humans.
"Oh you brought Dave with you! Why didn't you say so."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's okay if white people invade Mexico illegally, only speaking English, taking jobs, bringing gangs, r**... and drugs while demand citizenship?
That is the Politically Correct thing to do.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Justice has been served [long, English humour]
Justice has been served!
There's been some scumbag called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...
A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I translated this joke into English from my native language
Woman goes to the witch and asks what will she accomplish in her life the witch says: You will cause death of 60 million people,, Woman runs through whole city and when she gets to her house she sees a small boy sitting in the middle of the road and big truck coming towards him she grabs him takes him off the road sits on a bench next to him and asks: whats your name little boy?,,
The boy answers: Adolf h**...,,
While on a vacation in a foreign country, a man begins to drown in a lake
Suddenly, he sees two people walking by. He realises that he doesn't know the language.
"Help! Help!" he screams in English, to no reaction.
"Hilfe! Hilfe", he tries German. No reaction either.
" Socorro! Socorro!" he tries Spanish.
The people do nothing, so he drowns. As both passerby are walking away, one turns to another and says: "What do you think... should we learn another language?"
"Why? This guy spoke three languages and it didn't help him a bit"
Here's a joke for English and irish
So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.
Common English Mistakes
Common English Mistakes
-mixing up there, their, and they're
-using the wrong too, to, or two
-putting commas in the wrong place
-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches
-using apostrophes for plurals
What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next
year.
A Sicilian actuary can give you their names . . . .
I overheard some people talking about the english language.
I decided to put in my two cents worth. One said that the English language is confusing. "It's," I agreed. The other said, "Oh yeah? Have you had an education on it?" "I've," I responded. "So what? You some kinda english wizard or something?" I responded simply, "Some would say: I'm."
