English Jokes

147 english jokes and hilarious english puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about english that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of English jokes! From classic knock-knocks to hilarious puns, we've got all the jokes you need to make your friends and family laugh out loud.

Best Short English Jokes

Short english jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The english humour may include short english language jokes also.

  1. How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker? They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.
  2. TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. At least, I'm pretty sure...
  3. Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . . At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.
  4. How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker? They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english
  5. I got to a party and the host said, Make yourself at home , so I got comfortable. Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.
  6. A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
  7. What do women put on their ear to look more attractive?... Their knees.
    (Not sure if this one translates well to english)
  8. How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer? Ask them what "!" is
  9. Condoms 1272AD - arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
    1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.
  10. My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania. Now he can't even look at himself in the mirror.

Quick Jump To

English joke, My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about english can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of english puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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English One Liners

Which english one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with english? I can suggest the ones about english grammar and english dictionary.

  1. Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet? Because the others are Not-Cs
  2. English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
  3. Why should you always post jokes in American English? They can reach a wider audience.
  4. Rule #1 for learning english Their our know rules!
  5. How many of the phrases in English are palindrome? Not a ton
  6. in mexico, we don't say "I love you" cause we dont speak english.
  7. What is an english teacher's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird
  8. English puns make me numb. But Math puns make me number.
  9. The three most well known languages in India are English, Hindi, and... JavaScript
  10. First rule of English grammar, Double negatives are a no no.
  11. I've getting feedback that my jokes are in broken English, so here's one in Spanish. Uno.
  12. Not to brag, but I'm fluent in 10 languages. English and Binary.
  13. My friends that majored in English always tell me the same thing Welcome to Starbucks!
  14. I wrote a poem about communism for my English class I had to share it with everyone
  15. To the English teacher that stole my calendar... Your days are numbered. Mark my words.

In English Jokes

Here is a list of funny in english jokes and even better in english puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison... ...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
  • A majority of English Speakers do not know the opposite of these words... Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.
  • Should we create an English word for the 'day after tomorrow'? Or would that be too forward thinking?
  • For all you non-native English speakers out there... "Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".
  • It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.
  • There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . . Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.
  • What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican? E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
  • English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
  • Cop: You're driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I'm English
    Cop: (shouting) Oii.. It's the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
  • I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

English Teacher Jokes

Here is a list of funny english teacher jokes and even better english teacher puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me. I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.
    She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
  • A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!" "You mean history."
    "Don't change the subject!"
  • I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail. But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
  • I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
  • I used to date my english teacher but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
  • When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said, "name two pronouns." I said, " who, me?"
  • No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code
    A pro-grammar
  • I asked my English teacher whether I should pronounce "either" as "ee-ther" or "eye-ther" He said, "You can say either."
  • What do you say when your English teacher is crying? "There, their, they're".
  • What do you call an English teacher who used to have anxiety? Past tense.

English Language Jokes

Here is a list of funny english language jokes and even better english language puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Some say that the english language is hard to learn. But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.
  • The shortest sentence in the English language is "go." What is the longest? Life without parole
  • My favourite word in the English language is frequently I try to use it as often as possible
  • After going up to her apartment, my date told me, Make yourself at home. Turns out that English is not her first language, and she was asking me to leave.
  • TIL "Sugar" is the only "su"-word in the english language that makes the "sh"-sound! (I haven't actually fact-checked this one, but I'm pretty sure it's correct)
  • The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor
  • The shortest sentence in the English language is also the longest I do
  • English is not first language want to try joke from my country Why did snoop dog not have a pretty green American yard?
    Because he don't love no hose.
  • Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu". I am pretty sure about it.
  • What is the longest word in the English language? "smiles"...
    The first and last letters are a mile apart

English Man Jokes

Here is a list of funny english man jokes and even better english man puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A English man, a Spaniard, a French man, and a German. Go to a club. The guy on stage asks if they can see him. They said Yes oui si ja
  • Don't be racist; be like Mario He's an Italian plumber, made by Asians, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, runs like a black man and grabs coins like a jew.
  • What do you call an English man at a world cup final? A referee.
  • A British man and an Indian man were talking about arranged marriage. English man: How could you marry a woman
    before knowing her?
    Indian man: How could you marry a woman
    AFTER knowing her?
  • A Chinese man, who was less than proficient in the English language files for divorce. The judge asks what is the reason? He replies " me no come, she no come, but baby come, how come?".
  • My English teacher said that nothing rhymes with orange. There was a young man who had nothing,
    Until one day he happened upon an orange.
    That rhymes?
  • What type of instrument does an English man play? The UK-Lele
  • Learning English So a man and his wife decided to speak in English at home to improve their language skills.
    Her: Hunney, I'm going to rest a little bit.
    Him: Sure hunney, rest in peace.
  • Do not be racist Be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
  • An English speaking man is dating a Spanish speaking women He makes sure to tell her "mucho" every day. It means a lot to her.
English joke, An English speaking man is dating a Spanish speaking women

Cheeky English Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle

What funny jokes about english you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean english teacher jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make english prank.

"How long should my essay be?"

Back in high school I was in an english class and a fellow student asked the teacher how long our essays should be.
He responded saying, "As long as a girl's skirt: long enough to cover everything that needs to be covered, but short enough to keep me interested."

So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today

I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.

An Englishman walks into a bar...

There's usually a Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman too, but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.

They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

The history of the c**....

In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first c**... using a sheeps lower intestine.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.
~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.

A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

While I was living in Japan a woman approached me on the train...

She said to me, "What's black and white and red all over?"
"Wow," I said, "You can speak English?"
"Just a riddle," she said.

Why are there so many grammar n**... on the internet?

Because English majors have no jobs.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport...

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, Do you have any felony convictions?
The Englishman replies, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was still a requirement.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

An Englishman walks into a bar...

He sees three fat ladies ordering drinks at the counter and hears a thick accent.
"Excuse me, are you three ladies from Scotland?"
They all scream back in unison, "WALES, YOU IDIOT!!"
"Oh, sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

What's the difference between an i**... alien and E.T.?

E.T. learned English and went home.

The c**... was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.

The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. "Can you all see me now?" He asks them.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Northern Irishman walk into a bar

The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to.

An englishman, a Frenchman, a spaniard, and a German

Are all watching a really great street performer who was juggling.
The juggler realized that from where they were standing they couldn't see him very well. So the juggler stood on top of a wooden box. He asks if they can see him now.

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:

When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English

It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.

I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during s**....

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

What does an English p**... do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally h**....

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word contagious . Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- Susan?
- I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!
- Very good. What about you, Johnny?
- Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it's gonna take the contagious!

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:
Burrr… gurrr… King.

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit.

The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.

The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During s**..., she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!
The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!
The client replies What the h**... do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.

The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks Can you see me? and they respond

A linguistics professor says

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').
I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.
So when I go around and introduce my child I could say
"This is our child 모 Lester"

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all on a hot air balloon.

The conductor almost panicked says, there's too much weight! Someone needs to jump off, or we're going to c**...! The Welshman bravely steps up, For the glory of wales! And the Welshman throws himself off. The conductor still panicked says, okay, we're close but there is still too much weight! The Irishman, in a patriotic manner yells, For Ireland! And throws the Englishman off

Here's a joke for English and irish

So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.

Common English Mistakes

Common English Mistakes
-mixing up there, their, and they're
-using the wrong too, to, or two
-putting commas in the wrong place
-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches
-using apostrophes for plurals

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"
She replied, "Just a riddle".

An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their s**... prowess.

The Englishman boasts he's gotten laid with 27 different partners this year.
"What about *you*?" he asks the Welshman, who promptly falls asleep.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."
The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.
The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"
The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no b**... Frenchman!"

Two guys were in an English pub.

They called the publican over to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."

An Englishman, Frenchman, and Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.

"They are so calm and contemplative. They would surely be English." The Englishman says.
"No," the Frenchman says, "they are n**... and beautiful, they would be French."
"My friends," the Russian begins, "no clothes, no shelter, they are sharing an apple between two, they're being watched, and they're told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".
"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"
"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German stop to watch a street performer.

The performer sees them arrive and since they're at the back of the crowd asks them if they can see properly.

An Englishman, Frenchman and a Soviet go to an art exhibition.

They come to a marble bust of Adam and Eve. The Englishman says "Look at their calm repose, their stiff upper lip. They must have been English."
The Frenchman says "Look at their nakedness, their natural artistic beauty. They must have been French."
The Soviet goes "No no. They have no food, no water, no clothes and no shelter, and they're told they live in a Paradise. They're obviously Russian!"
Joke best told with very bad accents

What's the Longest Word in English?

Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart

Three men are discussing Adam and Eve

The Frenchman says "Adam and Eve must be French. They are beautiful, and n**..., and have all the world's beauty before them."
The Englishman says "Not at all. They are residing in the most beautiful, perfect Garden. They must be English."
The Russian says "They are without clothes, they are forbidden from eating, they are talked to by snakes, and they are being told it's Heaven. They are Russian."

An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the n**....

The n**... ask if they have any last wishes
The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die"
The Scottish man says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die"
The Englishman says "I wanna die first"

the joke is originally in persian but i think it works in english too

kid:"hey mom are you adding carrots to that soup?"
mom:"yeah, i know you dont like carrots but dont worry, you wont taste the carrot at all"
kid:"then why do you add carrots?"
mom:"because it makes it tastier"

Swimming Cats

An English cat named OneTwoThree and a French cat named UnDeuxTrois decided to swim across the lake, but only one cat survived the journey. Which cat made it?
OneTwoThree, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank

English joke, Swimming Cats

jokes about english

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these english jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.