English Jokes
147 english jokes and hilarious english puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about english that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of English jokes! From classic knock-knocks to hilarious puns, we've got all the jokes you need to make your friends and family laugh out loud.
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Funniest English Short Jokes
Short english jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The english humour may include short english language jokes also.
- How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker? They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.
- TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. At least, I'm pretty sure...
FP - I got to a party and the host said, Make yourself at home , so I got comfortable. Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.
- A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
- What do women put on their ear to look more attractive?... Their knees.
(Not sure if this one translates well to english) - How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer? Ask them what "!" is
- Condoms 1272AD - arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat. - My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania. Now he can't even look at himself in the mirror.
- I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison... ...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
- Should we create an English word for the 'day after tomorrow'? Or would that be too forward thinking?
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English One Liners
Which english one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with english? I can suggest the ones about english grammar and english dictionary.
- Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet? Because the others are Not-Cs
- English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
- Why should you always post jokes in American English? They can reach a wider audience.
- Rule #1 for learning english Their our know rules!
- How many of the phrases in English are palindrome? Not a ton
- in mexico, we don't say "I love you" cause we dont speak english.
- What is an english teacher's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird
- The three most well known languages in India are English, Hindi, and... JavaScript
- First rule of English grammar, Double negatives are a no no.
- I've getting feedback that my jokes are in broken English, so here's one in Spanish. Uno.
- Not to brag, but I'm fluent in 10 languages. English and Binary.
- My friends that majored in English always tell me the same thing Welcome to Starbucks!
- I wrote a poem about communism for my English class I had to share it with everyone
- An English bloke's gold ran away.. "A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.
- How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English? Dairy practice.
In English Jokes
Here is a list of funny in english jokes and even better in english puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- For all you non-native English speakers out there... "Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".
- It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.
- There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . . Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.
- What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican? E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
- Cop: You're driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I'm English
Cop: (shouting) Oii.. It's the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit? - I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
- What's the Longest Word in English? Smiles
Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart - So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.
- When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?" "Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"
She replied, "Just a riddle". - When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.
English Teacher Jokes
Here is a list of funny english teacher jokes and even better english teacher puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said, "name two pronouns." I said, " who, me?"
- No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code
A pro-grammar - I asked my English teacher whether I should pronounce "either" as "ee-ther" or "eye-ther" He said, "You can say either."
- What do you say when your English teacher is crying? "There, their, they're".
- What do you call an English teacher who used to have anxiety? Past tense.
- what is an English teachers favorite cereal? Synonym toast crunch
- The grammar teacher said "In English, two negatives make an affirmative, but two affirmatives never make a negative." A student replied... "Yeah, right!"
- My English teacher had part of his intestines removed Now all he ever talks about is his semicolon
- What is an English teachers favourite food? Synonym Rolls
- My English teacher got really angry about the format of my essay. It wasn't justified.
English Language Jokes
Here is a list of funny english language jokes and even better english language puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The shortest sentence in the English language is "go." What is the longest? Life without parole
- My favourite word in the English language is frequently I try to use it as often as possible
- After going up to her apartment, my date told me, Make yourself at home. Turns out that English is not her first language, and she was asking me to leave.
- The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor
- The shortest sentence in the English language is also the longest I do
- English is not first language want to try joke from my country Why did snoop dog not have a pretty green American yard?
Because he don't love no hose. - What's the only word in the English language that is both a word and a sentence? Marriage.
- What is the most awesomely amazing word in the English language? Anticlimactic
- A Chinese man, who was less than proficient in the English language files for divorce. The judge asks what is the reason? He replies " me no come, she no come, but baby come, how come?".
- (Real Story) All of a sudden, my Steam language was set to Russian. I was changing it back to English, when my hand slipped. But it's okay, now. I have everything in Czech.
English Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny english man jokes and even better english man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My English teacher said that nothing rhymes with orange. There was a young man who had nothing,
Until one day he happened upon an orange.
That rhymes? - Learning English So a man and his wife decided to speak in English at home to improve their language skills.
Her: Hunney, I'm going to rest a little bit.
Him: Sure hunney, rest in peace. - An English speaking man is dating a Spanish speaking women He makes sure to tell her "mucho" every day. It means a lot to her.
- American astronauts landed in Siberia. They walked for a long time in the taiga, met a man. - Do you speak English? - they asked.
He answered:
- Yes, I do. But what's the point? - An English man was left in a vegetative state after being hit by a car, bus, tractor and trailer. It was an Oxford Coma.
- A Spanish man who doesn't speak English says to a Mexican woman, "Lady, I want to make the love with you," and she says, "Mande?" and he says, "No Monday, today."
- A rouge English cavalier from the Middle Ages is magically sent into the future to depose Thailand's most ruthless dictator. One knight in Bangkok makes a hard man humble.
- Thai-English bilingual Nintendo joke What does a Thai man say when he can't find the coffee mug from which he always drinks while customizing his avatar on his Nintendo Wii?
*Mai mii khap!* - Why was the English Man undefeated at chess? His Queen Never Dies
- My new girlfriend is like a Dyson. I bought her from a quaint old English man.
Cheeky English Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about english you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean english teacher jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make english pranks.
"How long should my essay be?"
Back in high school I was in an english class and a fellow student asked the teacher how long our essays should be.
He responded saying, "As long as a girl's skirt: long enough to cover everything that needs to be covered, but short enough to keep me interested."
An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...
and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
An Englishman walks into a bar...
There's usually a Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman too, but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
This actually just happened...
*Wife: I wanna get into coding.
*Me: Oh, that sounds fun. You might even earn some
money on the side while you're at home. What language
did you wana code in ?
*Wife: English. Duh!
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
An infinite number of mathematically inclined cows walk into a bar...
And the bartender says, "close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!"
But the cows keep shuffling in.
Because they don't understand English.
In a huge lecture hall once I only had four international students turn up - English, French, Spanish and German. I asked if they could all see me. They said...
Yes, Oui, Si, Ja
A linguistics professor is lecturing his class
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
I'm having a hard time trying to decide on which pencil to use for my English literature exam.
2B or not 2B - that is the question.
Jesus walks into a bar
The barman looks up and asks "We don't serve wine here"
Jesus looks at him quizzically and goes to look for a Spanish translator because he had just immigrated from Mexico and English was not his first language.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are there so many grammar n**... on the internet?
Because English majors have no jobs.
Donald Trump has done so much good for American education.
Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.
The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."
An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives
He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."
A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between an i**... alien and E.T.?
E.T. learned English and went home.
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Northern Irishman walk into a bar
The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to.
Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does an English p**... do, after having tea and crumpets?
Tally h**....
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit.
The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.
The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...
During s**..., she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!
The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!
The client replies What the h**... do you mean that's the wrong hole?!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...
A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you
Joke translated to English from German
A blonde is driving home when she gets pulled over by a police officer.
"Mam, may i see you driving license?!"
"What's a driving license? "
"You know this thing in your purse with your face on..."
She starts digging through her purse, finds her cosmetic mirror, and hands it over to the policeman.
The policeman takes a look at the mirror and responds-
"Should have told me right away your a police officer too "
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks Can you see me? and they respond
Yes
Oui
Si
Ja
I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name
We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').
I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.
So when I go around and introduce my child I could say
"This is our child 모 Lester"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all on a hot air balloon.
The conductor almost panicked says, there's too much weight! Someone needs to jump off, or we're going to c**...! The Welshman bravely steps up, For the glory of wales! And the Welshman throws himself off. The conductor still panicked says, okay, we're close but there is still too much weight! The Irishman, in a patriotic manner yells, For Ireland! And throws the Englishman off
Here's a joke for English and irish
So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.
Common English Mistakes
Common English Mistakes
-mixing up there, their, and they're
-using the wrong too, to, or two
-putting commas in the wrong place
-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches
-using apostrophes for plurals
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't.
She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."
A dog walks into the unemployment office..
"I need a job." He said, in perfect English.
Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?"
"If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"
If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......
If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, with who?
But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.
Instead ask, with whom? It is important to speak good English.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.
After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."
The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.
The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"
The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no b**... Frenchman!"
Two guys were in an English pub.
They called the publican over to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"
"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".
"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"
"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up.
An Englishman, Frenchman and a Soviet go to an art exhibition.
They come to a marble bust of Adam and Eve. The Englishman says "Look at their calm repose, their stiff upper lip. They must have been English."
The Frenchman says "Look at their nakedness, their natural artistic beauty. They must have been French."
The Soviet goes "No no. They have no food, no water, no clothes and no shelter, and they're told they live in a Paradise. They're obviously Russian!"
Joke best told with very bad accents
An anteater walks into a coffee bar ...
... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."
"Why the long clause?" asked the barista, making the drink.
"For ants," replied the anteater. "You have to dig real fast to get those tasty little suckers."
An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman are walking in a park when a genie appears out of nowhere
The genie also magics up a slide, and says to them, "Whatever you wish for when sliding down this slide will be waiting at the bottom for you."
The Englishman goes first. "Gold!" He yells as he slides down, and, true to the genie's word, he lands in a huge room, full to the brim with gold.
The Scot goes down and says, "Jewels!" And he also lands in a room filled with jewels.
Finally it is the Irishman's turn and, as he goes down the slide, yells out,
"Weeeeee!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the n**....
The n**... ask if they have any last wishes
The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die"
The Scottish man says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die"
The Englishman says "I wanna die first"
the joke is originally in persian but i think it works in english too
kid:"hey mom are you adding carrots to that soup?"
mom:"yeah, i know you dont like carrots but dont worry, you wont taste the carrot at all"
kid:"then why do you add carrots?"
mom:"because it makes it tastier"
Hot dog
(Half of this joke is translated from another language so i don't know if it's as good as the original when told in English)
Two foreigners come to United States for the first time.
They have very little knowledge about U.S. culture,
So they stop at a fast food place.
One sees hot dog on the menu and is shocked.
He tells his friend " look they eat dogs in U.S."
Intrigued he says he will try it
When his order arrives, he turns to his friend and says:
With my luck guess which part of the dog i got.
Swimming Cats
An English cat named OneTwoThree and a French cat named UnDeuxTrois decided to swim across the lake, but only one cat survived the journey. Which cat made it?
OneTwoThree, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank
