English Best Jokes
30 english best jokes and hilarious english best puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about english best that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest English Best Short Jokes
Short english best jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The english best humour may include short english new jokes also.
- How do French women hold their liquor? By the ears.
Works best if you are a native English speaker. - When your friend Matt, who you know doesn't like piers, gets too close to one. Onomatopoeia
(For best experience, say in an English accent) - How did the English cheerleaders get hired by the quebec ice hockey team? They were the best ones at forming a Q.
- The best politicians did well in their English courses Where do you think hey learned to lie about their positions?
Share These English Best Jokes With Friends
English Best One Liners
Which english best one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with english best? I can suggest the ones about english small and english bad.
- Joke by my little cousin : Which Dino was the best in English? The Saurus
- What is the best smartphone for an English? Ofc it's HTC One M8.
English Best Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about english best you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean english love jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make english best pranks.
I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...
A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you
Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
An Englishman, Frenchman and a Soviet go to an art exhibition.
They come to a marble bust of Adam and Eve. The Englishman says "Look at their calm repose, their stiff upper lip. They must have been English."
The Frenchman says "Look at their nakedness, their natural artistic beauty. They must have been French."
The Soviet goes "No no. They have no food, no water, no clothes and no shelter, and they're told they live in a Paradise. They're obviously Russian!"
Joke best told with very bad accents
A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
One smart-a**... jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme s**... exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess you'll just have to write with your other hand"
An English man, French and American walk near the sea
And argue who has the best submarines.
The french says: Our submarines can las a whole week under water.
The english man says: Our submarines can last two weeks under water.
The american says: Well our submarines can last a whole month under water.
Near them a submarin emerges from the water and a man comes out of it and asks: Heil, is the war over?
Monday is Oscar night, and three films, 'The English Patient,' 'Secrets and Lies' and 'Shine' are locked in a tight race in the category: Best picture there's not a chance in h**... I will ever see.
"Complete" or "Finished"?
**Here's your English lesson for the day!**
**"Complete" or "Finished"?**
No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.
The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
Mr. Balgobin's response: When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
There's a fly in my soup !
Man on holiday in Paris goes to a restaurant and orders his dinner. When the soup arrives he finds a fly in the soup.
He calls the waiter over, and mustering his best French says:
Garcon, voici le mouche !
The waiter looks at the soup for a moment and then replies (in his best English) :
Monsieur, it's "la mouche".
The man replies:
OK, have it your own way. But you must have incredible eyesight !
I need your best Scottish joke, asap! Scottish stepdad's birthday today.
I need a good Scottish joke or two to make fun of his primitive Tartan wearin' bagpipe blowin' and Braveheart barbarian culture.
Preferably, the joke will make fun of Scots as a bunch of useless drunkards subjugated by the English.
This is becoming a bit of a birthday tradition so give me your best!
So, a three guys are working with imported meats
The team gets three crates. One of French steaks, but the best before was yesterday. One of English pork ribs: best before a week ago. And one of Germain snags: best before a month ago. They draw straws to work out who has to deal with which meats. The longest straw gets the steak crate, the middle gets the ribs, and geting the short straw is the wurst case scenario.
My teacher said that before we start our new book, "it's best we say the N word a couple times out loud, just get it out of our system".
I've seen this help students reading old material and I could definitely see why some English teachers do this, but I had no idea why my Calculus teacher was having us try it out.
Two English men were debating the titles of their forefathers that had been passed down as their fantastic and very aptly regal Surnames.....
"Books has been our history! Books are our pride! Books for ever!" Said Mr. Henry Wordsworth.
"Pottery is our soul... Pottery is our pride! Pottery is the best!" Said Mr. Douglas Potter.
....but neither of them could look on towards the men of the men himself....
...Mr. DICKINSON
Best Online Shayaris, Jokes, Poems, Whatsapp Puzzles, Quotes In Hindi & English
Best Collection For Shayaris, Jokes, Messages, Whatsapp Puzzles, Poems, Quotes In Hindi And English. Best Resource For Smart Era. Visit Us Once !!
A mouse and an elephant
A male mouse and female elephant, which are very much in love with each other, are having s**... in the jungle. Mr mouse does his best, but if course miss elephant didn't really enjoy it.
Monkeys up in the trees see the scene and decide to throw coconuts at them. Miss elephant is hit on the head and tell "ouch"
Mister mouse stops and asks, worried "Did I hurt you?"
(Translated from French, sorry for my English)
An English Lord of the Manor returned home early from his grouse shoot to find his wife having s**... in bed with his best friend, the local MP.
'How could you, Miranda?' he cried. 'After everything I've done for you. I've given you this beautiful house, I've always provided you with the most expensive clothes and jewels, I bought you a Ferrari for your birthday, I've tried to be a kind husband, and this is how you repay me!'
Hearing this, the wife burst into tears.
The Lord then turned to the MP: 'And as for you, Reggie, you might at least have the decency to stop while I'm talking!'
A young boy asks his grandfather
A young boy asks his grandfather:
"What's the most common English expression?"
The Grandfather, full of wisdom, says, "I love baseball and apple pie."
Puzzled, the boy shrugs it off and continues.
"So, what's the most common German expression?"
Without skipping a beat, the Grandfather says, "David Hasselhoff is the best."
The boy wrinkles his nose in disbelief, but presses on.
"OK then, what's the most common French expression?"
Suddenly, the Grandfather stops. He looks worried. He hesitates, wringing his hands in concentration. He begins to speak, but can't get the words out. His confidence gone, he quietly mutters...
"I give up."
A little Irish humor
p**... and m**... were walking along a street in London.
p**... looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".
p**... said to his pal, "m**... look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are p**..., I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said m**....
They go in and p**... said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised p**.... "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
Tomorrow's Final Exam
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate many excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."
An Englishman And An Irishman
*Chances are this has been posted before, but as an Irishman with English roots I've always found it hilarious. Enjoy! :D*
An Englishman and an Irishman in two separate cars were driving down a lonely country road on a cold, misty night at 100 kilometers per hour. Neither men were being particularly careful, given the icy conditions, and the result was a terrible c**... in which both cars were almost completely destroyed.
Miraculously however, both men survived.
The Irishman was the first to react:
'Jesus, Mary and Joseph, we're alive! It's a sign from God I think, that we should put aside the distrust between our two countrys and become best friends!'
'I agree!' Came the Englishman's ebullient response, who then pulled a small flask of whiskey from his pocket. 'Let's celebrate our new-found friendship with a drink!'
The Irishman took the proffered flask and downed half of it, before offering it back to the Englishman.
'No thanks,' Came his companion's reply. 'I think I'll wait till the police show up.'.
A generic science major and an english literature major walk into a bar and are asked by a mutual friend how to best evaluate a book.
I just wrote a joke: A generic science major and an english literature major walk into a bar and are asked by a mutual friend how to best evaluate a book.
The generic science major takes a few moments to think, then says, "Well, I would read up on the history of the book, process the literature within a few months (well enough to formulate some questions to ask participants that are likely to assess the book's content, influence, and perceived influence), then test a few of the relevant questions that the lit. search analysis generates. In some kind of controlled setting, obviously. You?"
The english literature major takes a shot, then says, "Uhhh... first I'd read it."
There was once a poetry competition...
and it was down to the final two contestants. The first was an English Lit professor from Harvard while the second was a country boy from the back woods of Alabama who had somehow made it that far.
For the finals the moderator says "Gentleman, I will now ask each of you to create a poem using the word 'Timbuctu.' Good luck and may the best man win. Harvard, you may go first."
The professor takes the stage, stands there for a second, clears his t**... and says -
"Across the burning desert sands, winds a lonely caravan.
Camels traveling two by two, destination Timbuctu"
The audience is thoroughly impressed and considers the competition practically over, but Alabama still gets his shot.
He slowly takes the stage and scratches his head for a minute before beginning-
"A camping me and Tim we went,
Met three girls in a pop-up tent,
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two"
A Lesson in English
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform in bed. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123'"
The guy then asks, "What happens when I want the effect to go away."
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers.
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his best shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." It works better than he thought.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition