English Bad Jokes
59 english bad jokes and hilarious english bad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about english bad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest English Bad Short Jokes
Short english bad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The english bad humour may include short english best jokes also.
- Chess joke
How come the english never lose at chess?
Because >!the queen never dies!<
Why are americans bad at chess?
Because >!they lost two towers!< - My English is so bad it made my wife cry. So I pat her on the back and said, "their their"
- I traded five of my rolex wathces for a ballon animal... It really was a waste of time.
(Sorry for any bad english and what not, nord typing) - How do you know someone with excellent English isn't a native speaker? They apologize for their bad English.
(Inspired by seeing an example on this sub.) - As a non-native speaker, I have to say, sorry about the bad English That I'm about to get in replies from the native born speakers.
- English version of Breaking bad in progress It will last one season with only one episode where Walt will be diagnosed with Cancer but will get treated by NHS and wil end up living on benefits.
- Every girl I get laid with says that you get laid everyday. I am so bored of hearing this everyday. Still I dream for mods. (sorry for bad English)
- Hi Sorry for my bad English.
- A r**... victim of 3 females said these females took his incense away Sorry for bad english in advance
Share These English Bad Jokes With Friends
English Bad One Liners
Which english bad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with english bad? I can suggest the ones about english small and english new.
- Bad news. Just found out that I've failed my English exam That's the 3th time now...
- Please forget my bad English I keep forgiving correct words
- My English is so bad ... I once fell down a good.
- Sorry if my English is bad It's my native language.
- My English teacher always says my grammar's bad. But yesterday she missed a period.
- Unlike most English people my girlfriend doesn't have bad teeth. She sold them.
- English. (Sorry for my bad hello)
- English teacher: plagiarism is bad. *takes bite from Oreo*
- Why are foreigners bad at pool? They don't know English.
ba-dum tsssss - (Sorry for my bad English) I'm from Alabama.
- Hi Sorry for bad english
- Hi Sorry for my bad English
- Lol sorry for bad English
- Lol (sorry for my bad english)
- hi (sorry for bad english)
English Bad Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about english bad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bad english jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make english bad pranks.
I try to tell this joke in english :]
There's a young boy, with no arms, nor legs called Lumpi.
Lumpi plays in front of his house in the sandbox, then a window opens on the 4th floor and Lumpi's mother yells at him "Lumpi time to eat!" and she throws down a rope.
As Lumpi sees the rope hanging out of his window, he starts to rob to the rope and bite's it! He trained hard to hold himself on the rope with his teeth. Lumpi is very hungry and starts to pull himself up only with his teeth. Lumpi pulls and pulls, he's on the 1st floor, the window opens and a young Lady smiles at him, Lumpi smiles back, then pulls again...and again, 2nd floor the window opens and an old man sees him and waves at him, Lumpi shakes his head to greet back, then he start's to pull himself up again. Lumpi, all sweaty and hungry now on the the 3rd floor, near his own window on the 4th floor. The window on the 3rd floor opens and a Lady sees him, then she says "Hi Lumpi! What are you going to eat now?" and Lumpi replies " Pizaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!...."
Sry for my bad english, I just tried to tell a joke in english that I know in my own language. :)
Using the word 'definitely'
A 3rd grade English teacher stood in front of her class and asked for volunteers to use the word 'definitely' to describe something.
The first student, Johnny, raised his hand and said "Teacher, the sky is definitely blue!"
The teacher responds "Well Johnny, sometimes the sky can be grey and sometimes it can be black." Defeated, Johnny put his hand down.
The next student, Susie, looking to make Johnny look bad proudly said "The grass is definitely green."
Teacher responded "Not so true Susie. When the grass dies, it can be brown, or yellow." Susie was embarrassed.
The teacher looked around the room and saw a puzzled look on her student's faces. Just as she was about the help her students out, little Billy threw his hand up.
"Yes Billy?"
"Teacher, are farts lumpy?" Little Billy asked.
"No Billy, farts are not lumpy."
"....Then I definitely just pooped my pants."
EDIT - Names...D'oh. Face meet palm
An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning....
...(coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'
Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside.. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'
Englishman: 'Of Course.'
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .'
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have s**... in France ?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'
Catholic School
So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs.
Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew.
The next week, Thanksgiving rolls around and the parents have the neighbors over to eat Turkey with them. The neighbor after a while can't help but remark "I know it's not my place, but your son is very unruly."
The parents sigh and say they have no idea what to do with him. The neighbor replies "I know you're Jewish but try Catholic School. Those nuns instill serious discipline in children."
Feeling out of options, the parents do enroll the son in Catholic School, and that same day he comes home from school the model son they always wished he was.
The parents are flabbergasted. They ask "Did the nuns beat you?", and the son replies "No mother, they did not." So the parent's say "Then how did this happen?" and the son replied "Well, when I saw the guy hanging on the wall there, I knew they meant business!"
So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing
The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.
Proctologist visit
*This is and old joke, sorry if it does not translate as well to english.
*
A man goes to a proctologist, for a check up.
The doctor, after some small talk ask him to drop trousers, and bend over. He l**... his finger and stick it in.
After a minute the doctor says.
Doctor - Sir, i have bad news. I am afraid you are going to have to stop m**....
The man clearly is taken aback from this preposterous comment, and just manages to say "why?"
The doctor calm as ever, and still wearing him as a ventriloquist doll says: "Cause I am still in the room performing this exam."
Employee's leave plan
Employee : Sir, my father died I need leave for a week.
Employer: sure.
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my mother died I need leave for a week.
Employer: okay .
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my father died I need leave for a week.
Employer: go on .
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my mother died I need leave for a week.
Employer: approved .
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my father died I need leave for a week.
Employer: you can take the leave.
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my mother died I need leave for a week.
Employer: What is going on? Do you think I am a fool? Every six months either your father dies or your mother. How many parents do you have?
Employee : Sir it's not my fault. When my mother dies, my father marries someone and when my father dies, my mother marries someone
Sorry for bad English
After 6 months...
Guy selling apple seeds at street...
Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: okay, give me 5 seeds
man: That is 10$ sir
PO gave man the money and ate the seeds and 2 min after that he said:
PO: wait a minute, I could have bought like 10 apples for that money and get like 20-30 seeds.....
man: see they already work :)
PO: Wow, give me 5 more!
Sry for bad english
A couple had fight
A couple had fight and did not talk to each other. One day, because the husband had to wake up early the next morning, he needed his wife to wake him up around 4 am. But he did not want to talk to her first so he grabbed a paper and a pencil and wrote, "wake me up around 4. I have to get up early for my job."
The next morning, the husband was so furious because he woke up around 9. He was late because his wife did not wake her up. Then he saw a note at the table beside the bed, "wake up. It's 4."
Sorry for my bad english.
A blonde tells her friend
"I completed a jigsaw puzzle in record time!"
"No way! How long did it take you?" Replied her friend
"6 months"
"That cannot be a record time!'
" Well the box said from 1 to 3 years"
Sorry for bad English, original was in Spanish
4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I really hate babies.
An armed robber walkes into a bank
... after he collected the money he turns to a customer and asks: "Did you witness me robbing this bank?" The customer says "Yes" and so the robber shoots him. He turns to a 2nd customer and asks: "Did you witness me robbing that bank?". The 2nd customer also says "Yes" so the robber shoots him. He now turns to a 3rd customer and asks:"Did you witness me robbing that bank?" The 3rd customer says: " I havent witnessed anything but my wife witnessed it all".
Sorry for bad english.
Sorry if its a repost.
I'm made out of pure dynamite!
An elder couple wakes up together and kiss each other a good morning.
After that, the man stands up, picks up his weights and starts lifting them.
The man says: "Do you see this? I'm made out of pure dynamite!"
His wife looks up, with one eyebrow lifted, and says: "Too bad about the short fuse..."
(I hope it's clear because my English isn't so great)
Problems of language ( sorry for bad english)
Two Hungaryan policeman stops a car. The driver cant speak hungaryan so he tries to speak in english. The two policeman cant understan it and they just looking at the guy. Then the driver speaks to them in german, french, and a bunch of other languages. The policemen let him go. Then one of them says: Shouldnt we learn any languages? The other says: Why sould we? That guy knows so many languages but they still useless.
Say the alphabets!
One day lil Jhonny had to badly go to the bathroom. His English teacher Miss. Strict didn't believe he had to go that badly and thought he was disrupting the class so told him to hold it in. Lil Jhonny kept pestering her every 5 mins until she had it. So she said recite the alphabets quickly and I'll let you go.
Lil Jhonny "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ".
Miss. Strict "Lil Jhonny where is your P?"
LJ "It's running down my pants Miss. Strict".
A farmer who knows a little bit of english wants his son to study at an english school.
One day he takes his son to a local english school for admission. A teacher gives him a form to fill in.He goes on filling the form and despite his bad english he manages to fill all the informations correctly. The last thing asked was to provide his son's
mother tongue. He fills with confidence "very long".
Ivan and Peter got drunk in the local bar...
They were neighbors so they were walking home together. As they were walking Ivan stopped and told his friend:
,, I really have to per but I am too drunk to hold it myself. Can you do this for me?"
,,No" said Peter.
,, But I really have to..." continued Ivan.
,,Okay. But be fast." said the poor friend.
Peter closed his eyes and tried to help Ivan but accidentally he put his hand in his friend's pocket and took out a cucumber out of the pocket.
,, I think I tore off your.." said Peter but didn't open his eyes.
,, Oh, I feel the blood flowing down my pants" shouted Ivan.
P.S.:
Sorry for my bad English.
Drains on society
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, this past election year has really got me thinking. Did you know 4 million of these people enter our country each year? They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hard-working Americans and the government is doing nothing to stop them. Not to mention that they are dirty and they smell bad! They don't even speak English!!!" the guy rants to the bartender. "I hate babies."
4 million of these people...
### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I really hate babies.
An Englishman, Frenchman and a Soviet go to an art exhibition.
They come to a marble bust of Adam and Eve. The Englishman says "Look at their calm repose, their stiff upper lip. They must have been English."
The Frenchman says "Look at their nakedness, their natural artistic beauty. They must have been French."
The Soviet goes "No no. They have no food, no water, no clothes and no shelter, and they're told they live in a Paradise. They're obviously Russian!"
Joke best told with very bad accents