England Jokes
172 england jokes and hilarious england puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about england that are clean and suitable for kids and friends. We've covered all the best england football jokes, england v italy jokes, england cricket jokes.
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Funniest England Short Jokes
Short england jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The england humour may include short football jokes also.
- What's a pirate's favorite letter? A writ of safe passage from his majesty, king Charles II of England.
- When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May... ...and it is a Country.
- I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet" It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...) - Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us? It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
- England fans must be pretty happy right now. They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.
- The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly Sherman marched to the sea
- I am driving through England, and my next stop is Greenwich. Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
- Fidel Castro is dead Looks like Keith Richards and the Queen of England are moving on to the finals.
- Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict : Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium
- If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man... If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.
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England One Liners
Which england one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with england? I can suggest the ones about new england patriots and queen of england.
- Why are the pyramid located in Egypt? They were too big to transport to England.
- The UK doesn't have a kidney bank But it does have a Liverpool
- I lost fifty pounds... Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
- England is like a father to me. Both don't come home.
- Why did the Siamese twins move to England? So the other one could drive!
- Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game? England 8. Ethiopia didn't
- What do you call a beautiful women in England? A tourist
- How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
- I lost 50 pounds once sadly I was in England at the time.
- They don't have blood banks in England ... ... but they do have a liver pool.
- Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years
- Everything in England outside of Nottingham is called Tingham.
- England 1 - 2 Iceland Credits to iceland though, can't take that away.
- Jane: I miss England. Tarzan: Me no idea you a beauty pageant winner.
- If England wins to Costa Rica, it could face Spain... ...at the airport.
New England Jokes
Here is a list of funny new england jokes and even better new england puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- England soccer team have got a new captain today His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..
- What do you call a Massachusite who cuts down trees? _In a New England accent..._
A Boston lager.
.
.
.
.
.
I made this up yesterday in the car.
- Driving in England In England they drive on the left side of the road, in New England we drive on what's left of the road.
- Poor children in African nations are really excited... They're finally getting New England Patriot super bowl championship shirts!
- I don't really care for the New England Patriots, but Lance Armstrong used a deflated ball for years and no one said anything.
- Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover? I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.
- New England Patriots' Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution. He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.
- What are the four seasons called in New England? Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.
- New England trees have sprouted legs and are running amok. Officials say: Birches be runnin wild
- The government have announced new measures to stop migrants from getting into England Henceforth, Chelsea fans will be in charge of security at Calais.
Queen Of England Jokes
Here is a list of funny queen of england jokes and even better queen of england puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did Gandhi say while having dinner with the Queen of England? "Could you pass the salt?"
- The most inappropriate thing to say to the queen of England, I lick your stamps all the time.
- what's the difference between the queen of England and a cat that makes coffee? One's an Aristocrat
The other's a Barista-Cat - What's the difference between a deck of cards and England? A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.
- Who is the only homosexual Russian to be knighted by the queen of England? Sergei
- What does the Queen of England drink? Royal tea.
- What song does the queen of England sing when she takes her clothes off? London's Britches Falling Down
- The Queen of England had a gift for a man who would soon be knighted. She insisted that he be given the gift at the ceremony but told her staff to keep it a secret. She wanted it to be a Sir Prize.
- What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John? Only one of them got to be Queen of England...
- The inventor of the Oxford Comma has died. Tributes have been lead by JK Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.
Queen England Jokes
Here is a list of funny queen england jokes and even better queen england puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It's happening in Las Vegas and it's happening after the queen of England has taken a dump. It's a Royal straight flush.
- What book does the Queen of England read to get herself into a raunchy mood? 50 Shades of Earl Grey
- Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. - What vapes do the King and Queen of England use? Crown Juuls
- One day the queen wanted a haircut. No barber in England would do it.
Why?
Only God shave the Queen. - What would you call it when the Queen of England decides to invade the U.S? Threat from abroad.
- Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. - The Queen of England is searching for Robin Hood She looks over a wall and shouts "Nottingham here!"
England Football Jokes
Here is a list of funny england football jokes and even better england football puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The england football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday.. "It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.
- What's the difference between Maddie McCann and the England football team Only one of them is coming home
- England's relationship with football is a lot like the dad who went out for cigarettes. We keep saying he is coming home. But never does.
- What's the difference between my son and the England national football team? My son stopped disappointing me after 52 years.
- England and Ethiopia recently played each other in a football match After a tough match, with both opponents clashing, the scoreline ended in English 8 - Ethiopia Didn't
- England football manager Roy Hodgson has just announced that he's won the competition for "Scotland's favourite Englishman."
- What do football and Europe have in common? England doesn't was to be part of either.
- What is the similarity between the USA, England, and Australia? Their favourite sports is Football.
- England football team are great at holding on in extra time.
- What do terrorists and the England football team have in common? They will never win
Hilarious England Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about england you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new england jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make england pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Having too much s**... can result in memory loss."
I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Pakistani living in England (offensive)
A Pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."
A lady went into the hairdressers in Ashington (NE England)...
The hairdresser asked her what she'd like done.
"I'd like a perm please."
Somewhat puzzled the hairdresser began "Mary had a little learm..."
American scientists made a clocks ...
that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."
When the Saxons landed in England...
...they decided to split up into five groups to cover as much ground as possible.
One group headed West and Wessex was born.
A particularly lazy bunch decided to stay exactly at the meeting point and incorporate Middlesex.
Another went South to form Sussex, which is still exactly where they made it, while yet another formed Essex to the East.
Oh, nearly forgot about the very conservative pack who went North. Nobody heard from them again
What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
...A tea bag stays in the cup longer!
#FIFAWORLDCUPBRAZIL
My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."
Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Meanwhile, in England.
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!". The bar gets quiet as everyone waits to see what the other will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!".
The other looks at him and says, "Go home dad, you're drunk."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
English Weather
I just read something about weather in England:
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._
In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly s**...'ite.
The English and the Scots.
A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."
My dad got me with this one earlier.
"So, you know how ships from America are USS whatever, right? Well, that stands for United States Ship. In England, they use HMS. And that means Her Majesty's Ship. In Italy, though, they use AMB. Know what that means?"
"What?"
"ATTSA MY BOAT!"
Magic Elixir of Life
A man was walking through Sarasota selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life."
Of course there were complaints and the police arrested him. They ran a background check of him and found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in England . . . . in 1660.
An Irish, a Scot and an English man are digging.....
in their back gardens. 12 feet down the English man finds copper wire. In the local paper he announces England had internet 200 years ago.
The Scots mon finds wire at 16 feet and announces Scotland had internet 300 years ago.
The Irish man digs 22 feet! but finds nothing and states in the paper. 400 years ago Ireland had wireless.
How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute?
Go to England and buy something
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A liar, a m**..., and a cheater walk into a bar.
The New England Patriots must be in town.
9/10 dentists recommend good dental hygiene...
The other dentist is from England.
Hey England, Happy Fourh of July!!!
Britain: "What happened to the T?"
America: "We threw it in the Harbor!"
I'm on holiday visiting the math dept. at Univ. of Manchester, England.
I guess I'm an Alan Turist.
A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England
He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"
I'm directing a film...
... And starring in it, as a shaggy groundskeeper from Northern New England who leads midnight raids on the estate's garden.
I'm the main character, mane caretaker, Maine carrot-taker.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...
and says to them:
"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"
Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"
One time I won a raffle in England, turns out it was for knighthood.
Boy was I Sir prized
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls from England?
A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"
An Australian is visiting England...
He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"
The England team won't be voting in the referendum
They can never find the box let alone put a cross in it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hope England beats Iceland...
Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!
England votes to leave the Euro cup
Many express regret and want a rematch.
Happy Fourh of July
"Hey England, Happy Fourh of July."
"Where's the T?"
"We threw it in the harbor."
Merica.
Here in England, we drive on the right side of the road.
If we drove on the wrong side, there'd be a lot more crashes.
In Newcastle, England many people don't like to live above the seventh floor in a tower block
They have a fear of Eights
An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.
The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
Finally got in to an exercise routine and I've lost over 100 pounds!!
I'm from England, and exercise equipment is pretty expensive.
I had a thought the other day
Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was sitting in a bar...
A man was sitting in a bar when he noticed two ladies speaking in an English accent across from him. He went to them and asked:
"Are you ladies from England?"
The ladies said "It's wales you idiot"
The man goes "Sorry. Are you two whales from England?"
As an American, it's no wonder I love going to pubs in England
Where else will i be able to lose all these pounds drinking?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The queen of England f**... and quickly looked for someone else to blame.
"Bidwell!" she shouted to a servant, "stop that this instant!"
"Of course, your majesty," he replied. "Which way did it go?"
If you refuse to pay your TV licence in England, you can be sent to prison…
Where, ironically, you'll get plenty of BBC…
Do not let the fact that today is July 4th distract you
From the fact that England blew a 13 colony lead
Roll call on the first day of school in London, England....
Ahmed Al Sheriah ............................."Here."
Mustafa Al Sheriah ............................"Here."
Fatima El Bindihiri ............................."Here."
Ali Acmah Shabeeb ............................."Here."
Ali Sun Al En ..........................No answer.
Ali Sun Al En?
A little girl at the back stands up and yells .... "It's pronounced Alison Allen, for Christ's sake!"
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are there regions in England named Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Northumbria?
... because nobody wants to live in a place called Nosex.
George and the Dragon
A poor vagabond, travelling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some food?" he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition.
"No!" she said rather sternly.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she snapped again.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!"
By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond tried again: "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.
"Do you suppose I might have a word with George instead?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey England, you know what oday is?
Where's the T?
We threw it in the harbor, 244 years ago
Haunted castle
A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. "How did you enjoy it?" The guide asked when it was over.
"It was great," the tourist replied, "but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways."
"No need to worry," said the guide "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" the tourist asked.
"Oh, about 300 years."
Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...
He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"
The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".
Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"
...
...
"It's horrible."
"Agree."
A city in northern England has mysteriously disappeared
The police are still searching for Leeds
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm going to open a dollar store in England
It'll be called p**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician see a black sheep while riding a train in England...
The engineer says: oh, there are black sheep in England
The physicist says: no... there is at least ONE black sheep in England
The mathematician says: no. In England there is at least ONE sheep of which at least ONE side of it is black
James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.
Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.
Struggle is
Watching a match between England and West Indies, on a black and white television. Turn the brightness up and one team disappears, turn it down and the other does.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... with my wife is like the England World Cup squad
neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.
My mate has two tickets for the England vs Croatia game on Wednesday
He didn't realise that it's going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Andrew's Church in Cambridge and her name is Sarah
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.
So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.
If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:
Liver damage
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Recent reports show that due to the recent losses on the world cup, England is expiriencing an influx of domestic a**..., but hey...
...at least they're beating someone.
