The Best 105 England Jokes
Following is our collection of funny England jokes. There are some england iceland jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these england london puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest England Jokes and Puns
"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."
I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
A Pakistani living in England (offensive)
A Pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human faeces and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."
A lady went into the hairdressers in Ashington (NE England)...
The hairdresser asked her what she'd like done.
"I'd like a perm please."
Somewhat puzzled the hairdresser began "Mary had a little learm..."
I lost fifty pounds...
Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
What do you call a Massachusite who cuts down trees?
_In a New England accent..._
A Boston lager.
.
.
.
.
.
I made this up yesterday in the car.
Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could learn to drive.
Courtesy of the movie "Man on the Moon".
Why is England the wettest country?
Monarchies have reigned there for centuries.
I lost 50 pounds once
sadly I was in England at the time.
American scientists made a clocks ...
that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."
When the Saxons landed in England...
...they decided to split up into five groups to cover as much ground as possible.
One group headed West and Wessex was born.
A particularly lazy bunch decided to stay exactly at the meeting point and incorporate Middlesex.
Another went South to form Sussex, which is still exactly where they made it, while yet another formed Essex to the East.
Oh, nearly forgot about the very conservative pack who went North. Nobody heard from them again
You can explore england sweden reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean england semis dad jokes. There are also england puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
...A tea bag stays in the cup longer!
#FIFAWORLDCUPBRAZIL
I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"
It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)
If England wins to Costa Rica, it could face Spain...
...at the airport.
England fans must be pretty happy right now.
They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.
My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."
Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.
The England Football team.....
visited a Brazilian orphanage this morning. 'It's heartbreak to see their sad little faces with no hope' said Jose, age 6.
England soccer team have got a new captain today
His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..
Meanwhile, in England.
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!". The bar gets quiet as everyone waits to see what the other will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!".
The other looks at him and says, "Go home dad, you're drunk."
English Weather
I just read something about weather in England:
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._
In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.
The English and the Scots.
A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."
My dad got me with this one earlier.
"So, you know how ships from America are USS whatever, right? Well, that stands for United States Ship. In England, they use HMS. And that means Her Majesty's Ship. In Italy, though, they use AMB. Know what that means?"
"What?"
"ATTSA MY BOAT!"
How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute?
Go to England and buy something
A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.
The New England Patriots must be in town.
9/10 dentists recommend good dental hygiene...
The other dentist is from England.
Hey England, Happy Fourh of July!!!
Britain: "What happened to the T?"
America: "We threw it in the Harbor!"
What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common?
It's either Sunni or Shiite.
I'm on holiday visiting the math dept. at Univ. of Manchester, England.
I guess I'm an Alan Turist.
A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England
He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"
I'm directing a film...
... And starring in it, as a shaggy groundskeeper from Northern New England who leads midnight raids on the estate's garden.
I'm the main character, mane caretaker, Maine carrot-taker.
A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...
and says to them:
"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"
Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"
One time I won a raffle in England, turns out it was for knighthood.
Boy was I Sir prized
Girls from England?
A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"
An Australian is visiting England...
He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"
Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :
Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium
The England team won't be voting in the referendum
They can never find the box let alone put a cross in it.
I hope England beats Iceland...
Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!
England votes to leave the Euro cup
Many express regret and want a rematch.
England 1 - 2 Iceland
Credits to Iceland though, can't take that away.
Happy Fourh of July
"Hey England, Happy Fourh of July."
"Where's the T?"
"We threw it in the harbor."
Merica.
They don't have blood banks in England ...
... but they do have a liver pool.
An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.
The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
Fidel Castro is dead
Looks like Keith Richards and the Queen of England are moving on to the finals.
Finally got in to an exercise routine and I've lost over 100 pounds!!
I'm from England, and exercise equipment is pretty expensive.
I had a thought the other day
Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.
A man was sitting in a bar...
A man was sitting in a bar when he noticed two ladies speaking in an English accent across from him. He went to them and asked:
"Are you ladies from England?"
The ladies said "It's wales you idiot"
The man goes "Sorry. Are you two whales from England?"
As an American, it's no wonder I love going to pubs in England
Where else will i be able to lose all these pounds drinking?
The queen of England farted and quickly looked for someone else to blame.
"Bidwell!" she shouted to a servant, "stop that this instant!"
"Of course, your majesty," he replied. "Which way did it go?"
If you refuse to pay your TV licence in England, you can be sent to prison…
Where, ironically, you'll get plenty of BBC…
Do not let the fact that today is July 4th distract you
From the fact that England blew a 13 colony lead
Roll call on the first day of school in London, England....
Ahmed Al Sheriah ............................."Here."
Mustafa Al Sheriah ............................"Here."
Fatima El Bindihiri ............................."Here."
Ali Acmah Shabeeb ............................."Here."
Ali Sun Al En ..........................No answer.
Ali Sun Al En?
A little girl at the back stands up and yells .... "It's pronounced Alison Allen, for Christ's sake!"
When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...
...and it is a Country.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
Why are there regions in England named Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Northumbria?
... because nobody wants to live in a place called Nosex.
Why America changed the spelling of words
America:Color
England:Colour
America:Neighbor
England:Neighbour
America:Humor
England:Humour
America:Flavor
England:Flavour
England: What are you doing?
Murica': Getting rid of u.
George and the Dragon
A poor vagabond, travelling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some food?" he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition.
"No!" she said rather sternly.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she snapped again.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!"
By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond tried again: "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.
"Do you suppose I might have a word with George instead?"
Hey England, you know what oday is?
Where's the T?
We threw it in the harbor, 244 years ago
A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper...
"What kind of pepper would you like, sir? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asked the manager.
He replied, "Toilette pepper!"
Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could drive!
Haunted castle
A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. "How did you enjoy it?" The guide asked when it was over.
"It was great," the tourist replied, "but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways."
"No need to worry," said the guide "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" the tourist asked.
"Oh, about 300 years."
Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...
He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"
The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".
Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"
...
...
"It's horrible."
"Agree."
A city in northern England has mysteriously disappeared
The police are still searching for Leeds
The UK doesn't have a kidney bank
But it does have a Liverpool
If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...
If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.
I'm going to open a dollar store in England
It'll be called Pound Town.
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician see a black sheep while riding a train in England...
The engineer says: oh, there are black sheep in England
The physicist says: no... there is at least ONE black sheep in England
The mathematician says: no. In England there is at least ONE sheep of which at least ONE side of it is black
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.
Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.
Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?
England 8. Ethiopia didn't
Driving in England
In England they drive on the left side of the road, in New England we drive on what's left of the road.
I approach two fat ladies in england, asking them a question
"Excuse me, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
"It's Wales, you idiot!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
Sex with my wife is like the England World Cup squad
neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.
The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..
"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.
A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.
Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England . One of the women replies No idiot. Wales!!!!
The Foreigner is taken aback. I'm sorry, let me start over he says. Excuse me. Do you two whales happen to be from England?
What do you call a beautiful women in England?
A tourist
The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.
"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.
What's the difference between Maddie McCann and the England football team
Only one of them is coming home
After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.
So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.
If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:
Liver damage
England is like a father to me.
Both don't come home.
Why did the conjoined twins travel from America to England?
So the other one could finally drive.
——————-
(Source: heard it in _Man on the Moon_ movie)
A man was talking to a couple of fat women.
Man: So, are you women from England?
Women: its Wales you idiot.
Man: sorry ma'am, are you whales from england?
I am driving through England, and I'm supposed to be in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.
A huge earthquake shook Mexico
Around 3000 people died.
The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.
England gave medicine.
France sent food.
Germany made huge donations.
USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
Why is England the wettest country?
Because the queen has reigned there for years
I am driving through England, and am staying in Greenwich for a few days.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
A joke I translated from Russian
A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."
The pauper tears up, embraces Robin Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Robin Hood then stabs the pauper with his sword,
"I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."
Why did the Siamese twins go to England?
The other one wanted to drive.
why is england so wet?
because the monarchy have been raining there for years
Interview for the position of security guard in India
Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English?
Candidate: Are the thieves from England?
My dog's mother is from England and his father is from Iran
He's a pom-iranian
England cricket team visited an orphanage in Chennai today
It is so tragic and heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope! I wish we could do something to help them!
Said 6 year old Venkatswamy after the crushing defeat of English cricket team
Jane: I miss England.
Tarzan: Me no idea you a beauty pageant winner.
Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen.
He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.
After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:
"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"
What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?
Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.
So this dude from Australia goes to England
He was about to cross the street when he almost got hit by a car.
The English driver yelled:
— Hey man, have you come here to die?
— No. I came here yesterday!
Joke my grandpa told me.
So a guy walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for three shots. The bar tender asks why 3? The guys says he has 2 brothers. one who lives in England, one who lives in Scotland. He says he has a shot for all 3 of them, so it feels like he's with the. The bartender give the guy his three shots. The guy continued to do this for a while. One day, the guy comes in and the bartender says, three shots? The guy says only two. The bartender asks the guy what happened to his brother, or if he's ok. The guy says that his brothers are fine, he just quit drinking.
Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm
One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.
If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!
It is at Manchester registry office at 2pm. The brides name is Nicola, she is 28, 5f 6 tall, a bit of a looker and a good cook.
David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"
I bought an England stationery set earlier.
It's missing three pens.
It might never stop raining in England
Yet german weather will be always Wetter.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the england wessex jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working england scotland piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.