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England Jokes

175 england jokes and hilarious england puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about england that are clean and suitable for kids and friends. We've covered all the best england football jokes, england v italy jokes, england cricket jokes.

Best Short England Jokes

Short england jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The england humour may include short football jokes also.

  1. What's a pirate's favorite letter? A writ of safe passage from his majesty, king Charles II of England.
  2. When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May... ...and it is a Country.
  3. I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet" It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
    (England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)
  4. Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us? It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
  5. England fans must be pretty happy right now. They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.
  6. The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly Sherman marched to the sea
  7. I am driving through England, and my next stop is Greenwich. Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
  8. Fidel Castro is dead Looks like Keith Richards and the Queen of England are moving on to the finals.
  9. Hey England, you know what oday is? Where's the T?
    We threw it in the harbor, 244 years ago
  10. Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict : Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium

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England joke, Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :


Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about england can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of england puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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England One Liners

Which england one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with england? I can suggest the ones about new england patriots and queen of england.

  1. Why are the pyramid located in Egypt? They were too big to transport to England.
  2. The UK doesn't have a kidney bank But it does have a Liverpool
  3. I lost fifty pounds... Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
  4. England is like a father to me. Both don't come home.
  5. Why did the Siamese twins move to England? So the other one could drive!
  6. Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game? England 8. Ethiopia didn't
  7. What do you call a beautiful women in England? A tourist
  8. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
  9. Why are there pyramids in Egypt? Because they're too heavy to carry to England.
  10. I hope England beats iceland... Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!
  11. I lost 50 pounds once sadly I was in England at the time.
  12. They don't have blood banks in England ... ... but they do have a liver pool.
  13. What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common? It's either Sunni or Shiite.
  14. Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years
  15. Everything in England outside of Nottingham is called Tingham.

New England Jokes

Here is a list of funny new england jokes and even better new england puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • England soccer team have got a new captain today His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..
  • What do you call a Massachusite who cuts down trees? _In a New England accent..._
    A Boston lager.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    I made this up yesterday in the car.
  • Driving in England In England they drive on the left side of the road, in New England we drive on what's left of the road.
  • Poor children in African nations are really excited... They're finally getting New England Patriot super bowl championship shirts!
  • I don't really care for the New England Patriots, but Lance Armstrong used a deflated ball for years and no one said anything.
  • Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover? I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.
  • New England Patriots' Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution. He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.
  • What are the four seasons called in New England? Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.
  • My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish. You might say a New England clam chowed her.
  • New England trees have sprouted legs and are running amok. Officials say: Birches be runnin wild

Queen Of England Jokes

Here is a list of funny queen of england jokes and even better queen of england puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did Gandhi say while having dinner with the Queen of England? "Could you pass the salt?"
  • The most inappropriate thing to say to the queen of England, I lick your stamps all the time.
  • what's the difference between the queen of England and a cat that makes coffee? One's an Aristocrat
    The other's a Barista-Cat
  • What's the difference between a deck of cards and England? A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.
  • Who is the only homosexual Russian to be knighted by the queen of England? Sergei
  • What does the Queen of England drink? Royal tea.
  • What song does the queen of England sing when she takes her clothes off? London's Britches Falling Down
  • The Queen of England had a gift for a man who would soon be knighted. She insisted that he be given the gift at the ceremony but told her staff to keep it a secret. She wanted it to be a Sir Prize.
  • What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John? Only one of them got to be Queen of England...
  • The Queen of England doesn't know much about American football... But she does wish someone would do something about those troublesome Patriots.

Queen England Jokes

Here is a list of funny queen england jokes and even better queen england puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The inventor of the Oxford Comma has died. Tributes have been lead by JK Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.
  • It's happening in Las Vegas and it's happening after the queen of England has taken a dump. It's a Royal straight flush.
  • What book does the Queen of England read to get herself into a raunchy mood? 50 Shades of Earl Grey
  • Q: Why is England the wettest country?
    A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
  • Q: Why is England the wettest country?
    A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
  • What vapes do the King and Queen of England use? Crown Juuls
  • Q: Why is England the wettest country?
    A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
  • One day the queen wanted a haircut. No barber in England would do it.
    Why?
    Only God shave the Queen.
  • What would you call it when the Queen of England decides to invade the U.S? Threat from abroad.
  • Q: Why is England the wettest country?
    A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

England Football Jokes

Here is a list of funny england football jokes and even better england football puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday.. "It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.
  • What's the difference between Maddie McCann and the England football team Only one of them is coming home
  • What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup? Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.
  • The England Football team..... visited a Brazilian orphanage this morning. 'It's heartbreak to see their sad little faces with no hope' said Jose, age 6.
  • England's relationship with football is a lot like the dad who went out for cigarettes. We keep saying he is coming home. But never does.
  • What's the difference between my son and the England national football team? My son stopped disappointing me after 52 years.
  • Whats the difference between football and madeliene mccann? FOOTBALLS COMING HOME!! COME ONE ENGLAND!
  • England and Ethiopia recently played each other in a football match After a tough match, with both opponents clashing, the scoreline ended in English 8 - Ethiopia Didn't
  • England football manager Roy Hodgson has just announced that he's won the competition for "Scotland's favourite Englishman."
  • What's the difference between the Thai cave boys and the England football team The Thai boys were invited to the final
England joke, What's the difference between the Thai cave boys and the England football team

Hilarious England Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends

What funny jokes about england you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean new england jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make england prank.

"Having too much s**... can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

The year is 2219

A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

A Pakistani living in England (offensive)

A Pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."

A lady went into the hairdressers in Ashington (NE England)...

The hairdresser asked her what she'd like done.
"I'd like a perm please."
Somewhat puzzled the hairdresser began "Mary had a little learm..."

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could learn to drive.
Courtesy of the movie "Man on the Moon".

Why is England the wettest country?

Monarchies have reigned there for centuries.

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

When the Saxons landed in England...

...they decided to split up into five groups to cover as much ground as possible.
One group headed West and Wessex was born.
A particularly lazy bunch decided to stay exactly at the meeting point and incorporate Middlesex.
Another went South to form Sussex, which is still exactly where they made it, while yet another formed Essex to the East.
Oh, nearly forgot about the very conservative pack who went North. Nobody heard from them again

What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

...A tea bag stays in the cup longer!
#FIFAWORLDCUPBRAZIL

If England wins to Costa Rica, it could face Spain...

...at the airport.

My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."

Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

Meanwhile, in England.

Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!". The bar gets quiet as everyone waits to see what the other will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!".
The other looks at him and says, "Go home dad, you're drunk."

English Weather

I just read something about weather in England:
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._
In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly s**...'ite.

The English and the Scots.

A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."

My dad got me with this one earlier.

"So, you know how ships from America are USS whatever, right? Well, that stands for United States Ship. In England, they use HMS. And that means Her Majesty's Ship. In Italy, though, they use AMB. Know what that means?"
"What?"
"ATTSA MY BOAT!"

How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute?

Go to England and buy something

A liar, a m**..., and a cheater walk into a bar.

The New England Patriots must be in town.

9/10 dentists recommend good dental hygiene...

The other dentist is from England.

Hey England, Happy Fourh of July!!!

Britain: "What happened to the T?"
America: "We threw it in the Harbor!"

I'm on holiday visiting the math dept. at Univ. of Manchester, England.

I guess I'm an Alan Turist.

A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England

He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"

I'm directing a film...

... And starring in it, as a shaggy groundskeeper from Northern New England who leads midnight raids on the estate's garden.
I'm the main character, mane caretaker, Maine carrot-taker.

A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...

and says to them:
"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"
Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"

One time I won a raffle in England, turns out it was for knighthood.

Boy was I Sir prized

Girls from England?

A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

An Australian is visiting England...

He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"

The England team won't be voting in the referendum

They can never find the box let alone put a cross in it.

England votes to leave the Euro cup

Many express regret and want a rematch.

England 1 - 2 Iceland

Credits to Iceland though, can't take that away.

Happy Fourh of July

"Hey England, Happy Fourh of July."
"Where's the T?"
"We threw it in the harbor."
Merica.

An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

I had a thought the other day

Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.

A man was sitting in a bar...

A man was sitting in a bar when he noticed two ladies speaking in an English accent across from him. He went to them and asked:
"Are you ladies from England?"
The ladies said "It's wales you idiot"
The man goes "Sorry. Are you two whales from England?"

As an American, it's no wonder I love going to pubs in England

Where else will i be able to lose all these pounds drinking?

The queen of England f**... and quickly looked for someone else to blame.

"Bidwell!" she shouted to a servant, "stop that this instant!"
"Of course, your majesty," he replied. "Which way did it go?"

If you refuse to pay your TV licence in England, you can be sent to prison…

Where, ironically, you'll get plenty of BBC…

Do not let the fact that today is July 4th distract you

From the fact that England blew a 13 colony lead

Roll call on the first day of school in London, England....

Ahmed Al Sheriah ............................."Here."
Mustafa Al Sheriah ............................"Here."
Fatima El Bindihiri ............................."Here."
Ali Acmah Shabeeb ............................."Here."
Ali Sun Al En ..........................No answer.
Ali Sun Al En?
A little girl at the back stands up and yells .... "It's pronounced Alison Allen, for Christ's sake!"

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.

Why are there regions in England named Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Northumbria?

... because nobody wants to live in a place called Nosex.

Why America changed the spelling of words

America:Color
England:Colour
America:Neighbor
England:Neighbour
America:Humor
England:Humour
America:Flavor
England:Flavour
England: What are you doing?
Murica': Getting rid of u.

George and the Dragon

A poor vagabond, travelling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some food?" he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition.
"No!" she said rather sternly.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she snapped again.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!"
By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond tried again: "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.

"Do you suppose I might have a word with George instead?"

A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper...

"What kind of pepper would you like, sir? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asked the manager.
He replied, "Toilette pepper!"

Haunted castle

A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. "How did you enjoy it?" The guide asked when it was over.
"It was great," the tourist replied, "but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways."
"No need to worry," said the guide "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" the tourist asked.
"Oh, about 300 years."

Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...

He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"
The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".
Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"
...
...
"It's horrible."
"Agree."

A city in northern England has mysteriously disappeared

The police are still searching for Leeds

If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

I'm going to open a dollar store in England

It'll be called p**....

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

I approach two fat ladies in england, asking them a question

"Excuse me, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
"It's Wales, you idiot!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

s**... with my wife is like the England World Cup squad

neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England . One of the women replies No idiot. Wales!!!!
The Foreigner is taken aback. I'm sorry, let me start over he says. Excuse me. Do you two whales happen to be from England?

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.

So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.

If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:

Liver damage

Recent reports show that due to the recent losses on the world cup, England is expiriencing an influx of domestic a**..., but hey...

...at least they're beating someone.

I am driving through England, and I'm supposed to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

A huge earthquake shook Mexico

Around 3000 people died.
The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.
England gave medicine.
France sent food.
Germany made huge donations.
USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock

England joke, A huge earthquake shook Mexico

jokes about england

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these england jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.