Engineer And Accountant Jokes
26 engineer and accountant jokes and hilarious engineer and accountant puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about engineer and accountant that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Engineer And Accountant Short Jokes
Short engineer and accountant jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The engineer and accountant humour may include short engineer and lawyer jokes also.
- Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is... Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5
Ask an engineer and he'll say 4
Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want" - A mathematician, an accountant and a sound engineer walk into a restaurant, how many seats at the table do they need? 3, they all count
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Engineer And Accountant Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about engineer and accountant you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean engineer and mathematician jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make engineer and accountant pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?
The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.
The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.
An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview
The interviewer asked, what's 1 + 1.
The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. It appears that 1 + 1 is 2 .
The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2 .
The accountant takes out his book and calculator. Does a few calculations then whispers to the interviewer, What do you want the number to be?
Laziness is the engine of progress.
The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question Why? , she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.
Degrees
The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'
A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...
are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfections, then performs his own calculations. After carefully aiming the cannon and firing, he overshoots by 10 meters.
The statistician then begins shouting with glee that they hit the target.
A physicist, mathematician, and engineer go to target practice
The engineer is up first and hits 5 inches to the right of the bullseye. The physicist says, "No no no, you forgot to account for the curvature of the Earth and the wind." The physicist does his calculations, but misses 5 inches to the left of center. The mathematician yells: "BULLSEYE! Great job guys!!"
In a new store's front window there was a hiring sign
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
$35,000 - $40,000
An engineer sees the sign, enters the store and yells:
-There is no need for an accountant! The answer is -$5,000!
John's engine kept rattling and making loud noises whenever he drove.
He sent it to the mechanic. The mechanic took a quick look at the engine and marked an "X" on the chassis with a chalk. He then gave it a swift kick and the noise stopped immediately. He then handed John a bill for 200 dollars.
John felt the bill was too hefty for such a quick job like that so he demanded an itemized account of his charges. The mechanic went back into his office and came out with the bill.
*One chalk mark: 1 dollar*
*Knowing where to mark the "X": 199 dollars*
Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company
The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.
To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?
The mathematician immediately responds "63".
The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 5%".
The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70".
The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers *"how much do you want it to be?*"
Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company
The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.
To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?
The mathematician immediately responds "63".
The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 10%".
The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70".
The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers "*how much do you want it to be?*"
A father has three sons. One is an accountant, one is an engineer and the other is a lawyer...
The father asks each of his three sons the same question, "what does two plus two equal?"
The accountant son answers, "four point zero zero."
The engineer son answers "somewhere between 3.9999 and 4.0001."
Finally, the father asks his son the lawyer "what does two plus two equal?". The lawyer pulls his father into the other room and closes the door. He then closes the blinds and motions for his father to come into the corner. He whispers, "what do you want it to equal?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children.
"So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks.
The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids."
The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!"
The third woman slowly responds, "Well... Um, I'm... I'm a p**......"
"You're a WHAT???" says the nun, furiously.
"Well... I'm a p**...."
"Oh, thank God," the nun says, "I thought you said you were a Protestant!"
The Gynecologist had become
fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.
The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.
"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.
"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division...
He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
An artist, an engineer, and a civil planner are arguing about God's occupation by observing the human body.
The artist says, "God is an artist. You only need to see the beautiful shapes of our muscles, the rich colors of our skin, the textures of our hair to see that."
The engineer says, "God is a engineer. You only need to see the wonders of the human body and its ability to grow and rebuild itself, the perfect mechanisms of its joints, its balance and speed and grace to see that."
The civil planner gives them the finger and says, "God is an accountant! That sumbitch cut the cost of materials in half by running a waste disposal plant through a pristine recreational area!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip...
... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
SOURCE: One of about three jokes the PhD students from the computational mathematics and statistics know.
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Bonus: i**... is a family-wise error.
An engineer, physicist and mathematician are in an interview (with no accountants) ...
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are in an interview.
The engineer is asked, 'What is 2+2?'. The engineer instantly pulls out his calculator, but since its floating point processor firmware has a bug, 2+2 gives him 3.999 which he tells the panel.
The physicist is asked the same question, and he replies 'Well, using a back of the envelope calculation, 2 is order of magnitude 1. Adding two numbers of magnitude 1, will result in a number less than order of magnitude 2. Therefore 2 + 2 is less than 100'.
They finally pose the problem to the mathematician, and he pulls out this notebook and starts scribbling. 30 minutes later, he looks up the panel and triumphantly declares, 'It converges!!!'
Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket.
The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to the bathroom. He fills a bucket with water, which he throws onto the wastepaper basket. Relieved that the fire is out, he goes back to bed.
The physicist wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire. He then goes to the bathroom and fills a bucket with the precise amount of water he needs (accounting for measurement error), and proceeds to put out the fire. He then goes back to bed.
The mathematician wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire.
"Aha! A solution exists!" And he goes back to bed.
*Alternate ending*
Later that night the hotel's electrical system fails again, causing sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the bed sheets. The mathematician wakes up, considers the fire, and then takes the still-burning sheets and puts them in the wastepaper basket.
"Aha! I've reduced the problem to a previously-solved form!" And he goes back to bed.
A physicist, engineer, and statistician go hunting...
After a long day of no luck, they are walking back dejectedly, rifles slung over their shoulders. Suddenly, they spot a deer in a clearing 150 feet away.
"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer continues grazing.
"You idiot," the engineer says, "you didn't account for gravity or drag!" -- so he pulls out his notebook, does some quick calculations, and fires using his recalibrated aim. BANG! But the shot falls 10 feet short.
Suddenly, the statistician shouts: "We got him!"
Workers and Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth man was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.. But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles with three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, ""What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, bit the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Surgery..
Surgery;
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
A business man was interviewing applicants
...for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two? "
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two. "
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. "
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be? "
He got the job."
This is a mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.”
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, s**... the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
