Engagement Jokes
79 engagement jokes and hilarious engagement puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about engagement that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some funny engagement jokes? You've come to the right place! From engagement party toasts to engagement gifts, we've got you covered.
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Funniest Engagement Short Jokes
Short engagement jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The engagement humour may include short engaged jokes also.
- Did you know there are 3 rings in a relationship? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring
- My friends just got engaged, so I asked if they've picked a date for the wedding They said, 'Yeah, we're taking each other.'
- Platonic friendships are like chess. They're fun, engaging, and can last a long time... but someone's always wondering "how many moves until mate?"
- My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked. There was a diamond in the ruff.
- I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me... I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.
- If I worked in a restaurant.... on valentines day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.
- Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner. She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.
- I asked my partner what sort of engagement ring she'd like. "One that's a bit like you," she said.
"Full of sparkle?"
"Cheap and round," she replied. - Before getting engaged to Serena, Alexis Ohanian actually dated a fencer Until he got sick of the ripostes.
- I read that if you're unsure about how much to spend on an engagement ring, a monthly pay check is a good guideline. So I spent £200 and gave most of the ring to our landlord.
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Engagement One Liners
Which engagement one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with engagement? I can suggest the ones about just engaged and participation.
- Does anyone know where Engagement, Ohio is? About halfway between Dayton and Marion
- What crime does a careful walnut engage in? Safe cracking
- What do you call a bee that gets engaged? A Beyoncé.
- I was engaged to a zombie but it fell apart.
- What did Patrick Stewart say when he proposed to his wife? Engage.
- I'm really busy getting married You could say, I am engaged.
- If we were to have a small food fight, would we be engaging in Morsel Combat?
- I was engaged before It didn't work out so now i just refer to her as a near miss
- Before an army officer can get married, they need to know the rules of engagement.
- Facebook is getting rid of engagement bait Guess I can't go phishing anymore.
- What I called my wife when we were engaged My Ex-girlfriend
- How was my engagement the same as my divorce? In the end, I settled.
- I was late to my own wedding because... I had a prior engagement.
- What do you call engaged melons on the TSA watchlist? Cantaloupe
- I got engaged for the third time today Half Wife 3 confirmed.
Engagement Ring Jokes
Here is a list of funny engagement ring jokes and even better engagement ring puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The four rings of marriage. The Engagement ring, the Wedding ring, Enduring and, Suffering.
- Is he cheap? He'd marry a thin girl because she could wear a smaller sized engagement ring.
Source: 1913 newspaper - There were three rings in OJ Simpson's marriage. First, they had the engagement ring. After that, they had the wedding ring. And finally, there was the murdering.
- Customer told me this yesterday... First comes the engagement ring...followed by the marriage ring...but no one ever told me what came after that. The suffering.
- There are 3 types of rings common to the millennial marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and tindering.
- After all these years, I decided to buy myself an engagement ring I finally realized that I can't live without myself.
- I'm planning a marriage proposal over the phone. I will give her a ring. Let's hope she is not engaged!
- Why buy an iPhone X? If you feel the need to spend that kind of money on something that will be obsolete in 3 years, buy an engagement ring
- Who's worse a graverobber or a necrophiliac? One cold-bloodedly gets engagement rings from the deceased, and the other gets diseases from their engagement with cold-blooded rings.
- If we become engaged will you give me a ring? Sure, what's your phone number?
Long Engagement Jokes
Here is a list of funny long engagement jokes and even better long engagement puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 had long since succumbed to Stockholm syndrome and was actively engaging with their captors.
- Classy girls are like turtles They rarely go on their backs, but when they do, they're there for a very long time.
Was watching a re-run of Rules of Engagement and heard this.
Friends Jokes
Here is a list of funny friends jokes and even better friends puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
- My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat! In the end, he came around.
- When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
- What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
- My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...
Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too... - My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
- A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?'
'Not that many!' - My nerdy friend just got a phd on the history of palindromes. We now call him Dr. Awkward.
- Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
- My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Engagement Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about engagement you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wedding jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make engagement pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Panda and a p**...
A panda spent the night in bed with a p**.... The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the p**... yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up p**....'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous s**... activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the p**... and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't Junior League debutantes engage in group s**...?
Too many thank you notes to write afterwards.
Midwestern joke I heard years ago...
State officials in Ohio are trying to pass legislation to change the name of the town, Mechanicsburg, to Engagement. When asked why, one official commented that it made clear sense because the town is halfway between Dayton and Marion.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Confession
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**...' and 'Love' ....;)
At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words s**...' and 'love.'
The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical s**... with one another.
The Husband wrote: I Love s**....
Two friends meet after a long time.
and begin catching up on old times.
Friend 1: "Hey last time I heard, your engagement fell through. What happened man?"
Friend 2: "Well it was her decision. She decided I'm not good enough for her."
Friend 1: "I'm so sorry to hear that. But you know what? You should have told her about your super rich dad, and how you would inherit his money."
Friend 2: "I did. She's my mom now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: **"Anyone know whose phone this is?"**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..
She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from s**....
The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in i**..., but unfortunately the zoo couldn't afford to import a male gorilla just for her to have s**....
Giving his funding situation, he goes up to the janitor and asks him "Hey, for $500, would you have s**... with this gorilla?"
The janitor thought about it for a minute, and then replied "Sure, on three conditions. First condition, I don't want to kiss her."
"Okay sure! I wouldn't expect you to!"
The janitor then stated "Second condition. I don't want anyone knowing about this ordeal."
"Sure, fine! Not a problem! What's your third condition?"
Janitor said "Give me at least 2 weeks to come up with the $500"
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why shouldn't you marry a s**... from your own country?
They are only good for long-distance engagements.
I was talking to my Grandpa about how to propose to my girlfriend
He asked me if I had any ideas for what three rings I was going to get.
Confused I asked what he meant by three.
"First and engagement ring, then comes the wedding ring, followed by the suffering" He whispered
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Israeli tourist
An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"b**..., that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.
An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...
Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My two w**... dealers started working together.
In other words, they engaged in a joint venture.
My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged
She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wife said: "Bulls can engage in s**... activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."
A man finally got engaged to his dream woman. Eager to show off his new fiance, he took her to his home town.
Upon arrival, he approached his mother and said, I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.
Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the man walked in the door with three girls following behind him.
Without a moment's hesitation the mother pointed to the man's fiance and said, It's that one.
Wow! exclaimed the man. How in the world did you know it was her?
The mother shrugged, I just don't like her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A panda spent the night in bed with a p**...
The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the p**... yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up p**....' The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous s**... activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the p**... and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A catholic woman gets engaged
I heard this joke from a father(catholic priest) today.
A catholic woman gets engaged and finds out that her fiance doesn't believe in h**....
She goes to her father and says : "Father, my fiance doesn't believe in h**.... Maybe I should rethink about marrying him".
Her father says: " Don't worry! He will definitely believe after getting married."
A squad of potatoes is engaged in a firefight after being sent to secure several important roads...
Gunfire and explosions are raining down on the group of potatoes until it's only the sergeant on his radio and a couple of others standing over the crispy skins of their fallen comrades. The General's voice suddenly blares from the radio...
"Sergeant, come in! What is your status, are the routes safe?"
"NO SIR, THE ROOTS ARE NOT SAFE - AND WE'RE DROPPING LIKE FRIES!"
A man sits down next to a woman on a bus
The man starts flirting with her, and in the course of their conversation she admits that she's a nymphomaniac.
"Oh really," says the man, instantly more engaged in their conversation.
"Yeah", she confirms, "but I'm only attracted to Jewish cowboys. Anyway, my name is Mary-Beth, what's your name?"
The man shakes her hand and says, "nice to meet you, Mary-Beth, my name is Yosemite Goldstein."
\[cr
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box.
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box.
Father O'Malley, he says, my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy-eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a twenty-eight-year-old girl, and also, on the side, her nineteen-year-old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better.
My good man, says the priest, I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?
And the guy goes: I'm telling everybody!
Brown Pants
During the French and Indian Wars in North America, the French captured a British Officer during an engagement. Later that evening the French officers gathered and dined with the new captive.
After dinner the French commander asked their prisoner Sir, we have been wondering why British officers wear a red coat, as it makes you an obvious target for our sharpshooters . The British officer replied We wear it so that if we are wounded, the sight of our blood does not panic our men .
Ever since that day, French Officers have worn brown pants.
A couple's young daughter went to college.
After 6 months she happily let them know she was engaged to a student who is studying to be a pastor, and is bringing him home for the holidays.
And after the introductions the father and the boy sat and the father asked: " How old are you?"
Fiance:"19"
Father: "And where are you going to live?"
Fiance: "God will provide."
Father: "And where are you going to get money?"
Fiance: "God will provide."
Later that night the mother asked the father: "What do you think of him?"
And the father: "He seems to be a nice guy, he thinks I am God."
