The Best 91 Ends Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Ends jokes. There are some ends fray jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ends wake me up when september ends puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Ends Jokes and Puns
What starts with "e," ends with "e," and contains one letter?
An envelope.
Jerry Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach...
... he turned many tight ends into wide receivers.
A little lizard
A little lizard is walking through the jungle one day and spots a koala bear up in a tree.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the little lizard. Koala bear replies, "I'm getting high, come up and join me."
So the little lizard climbs the tree and shares a joint with the koala bear. Pretty soon the little lizard gets thirsty, he spots the river and says he's going to go get a drink. So the little lizard climbs down the tree, walks over to the river and as he is drinking he ends up falling in. An alligator saw this and rushes over to help the little lizard out of the water.
"What the heck are you doing?" asks the alligator.
"Well, I was getting high with the koala bear in the tree and then I got thirsty and then...."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You were getting high with a koala bear? I've got to see this." Says the alligator as he goes walking off into the jungle.
The alligator spots the koala bear in the tree and shouts up "Hey, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looks down and says "Shiiiiiiiiiiit, Dude, how much water did you drink?"
A lawyer is about to enter a party..............
A lawyer is about to enter a party and decides to tell people that he's a doctor instead of a lawyer since people seem to think badly about lawyers and has always been attacked by lawyers jokes. After he's mingled for a little while, a guy comes up to him and tells him that there's another doctor there who works at the same hospital he does. To his surprise, this other doctor plays along and pretends to know him. After the party ends, the guy goes up to the doctor and says, Thanks for playing along. So, what does it feel like to be a real doctor? The man replies, I wouldn't know. I work for the IRS.
No Strings
Two strings wanted to go into a bar. The bar had a sign up "We do not serve strings" One of them said to the other I've got an idea. He slammed into the wall, scooted and twisted himself around on the ground and then began tearing at his ends. He walked into the bar and the bartender said "Hey aren't you a string?" He looked at the bartender and said "I'm a frayed knot"
What begins with E, ends with E, and has one letter?
envelope
Did you hear about the gay football coach?
He turns tight ends into wide receivers
What word starts with 'N', ends in 'R' that you don't want to call a black guy ?
Neighbor.
So a mole goes into a club...
And ends up getting Avogadro's number.
Two cannibals are eating a missionary starting at opposite ends.
One says to the other "This guy's ear is delicious! Are you enjoying eating him as much as I am?"
The other cannibal says "I'm having a ball."
A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.
On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.
The farmer is furious and screams: "Goddammit I missed".
The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".
On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.
He screams "Goddammit I missed"
A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.
Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "Goddammit I missed"
You can explore ends begin reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ends completion dad jokes. There are also ends puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
So there's this girl named Mary...
1. Mary meets a guy named Joseph
2. Mary ends up pregnant
3. ???
4. Prophet
A poor couple...
A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex.
One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."
A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.
They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. The statistician drops his rifle and happily shouts, "WE GOT IT!!"
Spiderman:
Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.
What's a word that starts with an N ends in an R, and is something you never want to call a black person?
Neighbour
A rope walks into a bar...
And orders and drink. The bartender says," We don't serve ropes here." So the rope goes outside, frays his ends, and ties himself into a knot. He comes back in and once again orders a drink. The bartender says,"Aren't you that rope I just turned down?" To which the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
How are mashed potatoes similar to an online college degree?
If it ends up on your wall, you're probably retarded.
A piece of rope walks into a bar.....
The bartender says, "hey, we don't serve your kind here. Now get out!" The piece of rope leaves, but it's determined to get a drink, so it starts rolling on the ground, ties itself up and splits it's ends. Looking beat up, the rope walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at the rope and says, "hey, aren't you that piece of rope that I just kicked out of here?" The rope looks at the bartender and says, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
I wish life was more like hockey...
Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?
What starts with an 'M', ends with 'arriage', and recently made me the happiest man alive?
Miscarriage
What is a four-letter word for a woman that ends in "unt"?
Aunt.
I'm Friends with a Really Poor Guy
He's been down on his luck lately, so he told me that he had to become a male prostitute to make ends meet. One day, he walked up to me and said that he made a really good amount of money the night before.
Me: How much did you make?
Him: I made $250.05.
Me: Who on earth gave you 5 cents?
Him: Everyone.
I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...
There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.
The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.
So the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle when a Bishop walks in.
"What is a four letter word for a woman that ends in -unt?" the Pope asks. The Bishop thinks for a minute, afraid to say such a word to the holiest of men. Then a miracle comes to him. "A-unt?" he suggests. "Yes, that fits better, got an eraser?"
What has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence?
Parole.
I know how the Force Awakens ends!
Credits.
What starts and ends with a 'v' and is only one letter?
'w'
Hi, I would like to hear a TCP joke.
Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke.
OK, I'll hear a TCP joke.
Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.
OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a punchline.
I'm sorry, your connection has timed out... ...Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
A piece of rope walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind around here." The rope walks out back, ties himself up, and unravels his ends. The rope walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "Aren't you that rope that was just in here a minute ago?" The rope says, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
2 blondes are hammering nails into the side of a garage...
One of them has a problem. She holds each nail in place, but ends up tossing every other one on the ground. Finally she says "Hey, half of these nails are bad - the sharp end is pointing away from the wall!"
The other blonde replied "You idiot, those are for other side of the building!"
Three statisticians go out hunting together...
After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and ends up shooting too far to the left of the rabbit. The second aims, misses, and shoots too far to the right. The third shouts out "We got him!"
Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?
A: Miscarriage
This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
What's a word that starts with "u" and ends with "w"?
Cloning.
A horse walks into a bar...
"Why the long face?" asks the bartender...
The horse replies, "I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from Sex in the City."
A rope walks into a bar ...
A rope walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, we don't serve your kind here."
Dejected, the rope leaves. Outside he ties himself into a knot, frays his ends, and walks back into the bar. The bartender stops him and says, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just sent out of here?"
To which the rope replies, "No. I'm a frayed knot."
Did you hear about the bike race that goes all the way across Norway and Sweden?
It ends at the Finnish line.
What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison?
One's a pro, and one's a con.
Last night I ate 3 large spicy curry rolls while watching Westworld.
These violent delights have violent ends.
I strip wire for a living
It's not a glamorous job, but at least I can make ends meet
As a 10-year-old, I find online dating real tough.
Every person I meet ends up in jail!
TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world.
While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.
Another penguin joke. nsfw
A penguin takes his car in to a mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it will be an hour until he is ready. So the penguin decides to get an ice cream cone.
Penguins don't have opposable thumbs let alone fingers so he ends up with ice cream all over himself.
Later, he returns to the mechanic who says"I found the problem. It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, I just ate some ice cream."
Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle.
Coconut.
100 nuns are in a prayer session.
After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that condom."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.
I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.
But I didn't see the point.
What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness?
Me, I'm a divorce lawyer
What is a marathon runner doing when he starts a marathon in Russia that ends in Finland?
Russian to Finnish.
An ambulance is like a Pizza delivery
If they're late the delivery ends up cold.
A Christian man ends up on a deserted island...
He is stranded there for a few years until a rescue boat finds him. When the rescuers get onto the island, they are amazed to see what the man has built to survive. The man had built three different structures out of bamboo and leaves. They asked the man what the first structure was. The man said, That's my house. They then asked about the second structure. That's where I go to Church. The man replied. Then they asked about the third structure. A scowl came over the mans face as he told the rescuers, That's where I used to go to Church.
when i die I want it to be from being hit by a falling piano
That way my life ends on a dramatic note.
My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have sex.
He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.
What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?
Popcorn
A man ends up in a 30-year coma.
After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.
He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."
The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.
When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".
The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".
What starts with T, ends with T and has T in it?
A Teapot
I had to shut down my human centipede program
I couldn't make ends meet.
Even if the universe ends with a Big Freeze
We'll still be 0K!
What does the white supremacist pirate say?
Well I'm not gonna repeat it but it ends with a hard Arrrr!
A clever way of telling if your kids asleep.
A man tells his kid,
You beep when you sleep.
The dad ends up convincing his kid that he actually beeps when he sleeps.
The next night the dad peeked into his kids room to see if he was asleep.
*beep*
*beep*
*beep*
Now his kid makes beep noises when he fake sleeps.
A blonde and a brunette
decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"
I'm getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls...
Now I'm making ends meet by making meets end!
I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise.
It's a bit of a running gag.
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
What starts with O, and ends with -nions and makes people cry?
Opinions.
What starts with a 't' ends with a 't' and is full of 't' ?
A teapot.
A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew
It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.
He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.
"Of course!" the boss exclaims, "he's the subcontractor!"
All this talk about hoping 2020 ends!
Even though its cursed, we can't let it defeat us. That would mean 2021.
My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, Throw this and wherever it landsβthat's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends.
Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Electricians have to strip to make ends meet
Shocking i know
My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it
Post office
What begins with a "W" and ends with a "T"
It really does!
[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,
roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"
After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!
They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..
and that's when you raise your arms and exclaim, "It's a ***TIE***!!"
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
Envelope
Tits and LEGO Sets have a thing in common
It's meant for the kid but the dad ends up having the most fun with it.
I get a lot of compliments about my feet...
Some say they're legends!...
Leg. Ends.
I'll see myself out!
What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?
Opinions
A prisoner digs a hole out of jail....
.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"
Who has no choice to strip to make ends meet?
Electricians
So I brought a world map and asked my wife to shoot a dart on it and wherever it lands, I will take her there for two weeks when pandemic ends.
It's her day 5 behind the fridge.
What starts with a W and ends with a T
It really does, I swear!
what begins with e and ends in e but only has one letter in it?
an envelope
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.
Nothing
What starts with a W, and has 3 letters, but ends with a T
I'm not asking
A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, Why are you crying?
Man: My wife said she won't talk with me for a month.
Waiter : That's terrible.
Man: Yes, the month ends today.
My son asked me, "Is this pool safe for diving?" I chuckled and replied...
"It deep ends!"
Which state is round on both ends and tall in the middle?
***O-HI-O***
(α΄Κα΄Ι΄α΄s, Κα΄Ι’s)
What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it?
Post office
Why do you put diapers on a baby?
To tie up loose ends
What's the difference between a race across Asia, and one across Europe?
The one across Europe eventually ends because it has a Finnish line
A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:
"Doctor, where is the heart?"
To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left nipple"
The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.
A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper
"Elderly woman wants to commit suicide, shoots herself in the knee"
Two bunnies are walking in the woods......
Two bunnies are walking in the woods. They're approached by a large bear. The bear says, "Do you guys have any problems with crap sticking to your fur?" Bunny #1 says to bunny #2, "Back away very slowly...... I know how this joke ends!"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ends conclusion jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working ends middle piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.