Ending The Phone Jokes

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. 
She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore.
After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. 
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter.
Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. 
His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone. 
"Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said.
"As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" 
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. 
Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."

Even though telemarketers are slightly less beloved than dentists and tax auditors, that'

s the job my friend took during his summer vacation.
Halfway through one of his sales pitches, he heard a clicking at the other end of the line.
Thinking the man may have hung up, he asked, "Are you still there?"
"Yeah, still here," said the man.
"Sorry, I heard a click and I thought you'd been disconnected."
"No," the man said, "that would sound more like this."
He then proceeded to show me what it would sound like by slamming down the phone.

A man calls home from work to talk to his wife...

When a woman picks up the phone, he assumes that it is that of the new maid his wife hired. He asks to talk to his wife. The maid says "I'm sorry, the Mrs. is in bed with her husband."
"What! I'm her husband!"
"Well who is she in bed with?"
"I don't know. Do you want to make $50K really fast?"
"Ok."
"I want you to take the shotgun that's behind my desk, and then I want you to kill them both!"
The maid agrees to do this, and sure enough, she finds a shotgun. The man hears screaming, which was followed by gunshots and silence on the other end.
"Good. Now I want you to take the bodies and hide them behind the red shed."
"You don't have a red shed. I could hide them in the pool."
"I don't have a pool."
"Yes you do."
"Is this 920-3582 on 1st Avenue?"

It was my first time riding a plane...

I was so nervous, and it was showing I was very uncomfortable...
A good-looking stewardess, approached me and asked if I was feeling okay, and If I needed anything. I said no, I was fine, it was my first time riding a plane and was just nervous. She smiled and said, "Ah perhaps you should listen to some music", then she walked away.
So I took out my phone, and played A7x in full blast, which disturbed everyone around me, as I did not have any earphones. Again the flight attendant approached me and asked,
"Would you like some headphones?"
I looked up to her at amazement and shock and said,
"yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
(end)
ba-dum-tiss
I'll see myself out

Joe wakes up to a noise on the roof...

...so he goes outside and sees that a bear has climbed up on top of his house. Joe runs inside and calls the first pest control number he sees in the phone book. The man on the other end says that he can remove the bear no problem and will be there shortly. 30 minutes later the man pulls up in a truck. Joe watches the man unload a big cage, a ladder, a shovel, a shotgun, and the biggest German Shepard Joe has ever seen. He asks the man what his plan is to get the bear off the roof. The man says that he will climb up the ladder and using the shovel will scare the bear off the roof. When the bear hits the ground the dog will grab it by the nuts and drag him into the cage. Joe says "that sounds like quite the plan but what is the gun for". The man says "if the bear knocks me off the roof then shoot the f!@#ing dog"

The rabbi had been performing brises for years...

At the end of each one he would throw the foreskins into a jar in his bag. After many year he had gathered a rather large collection of foreskins. Unsure of what to do with them he consulted his friend, the leatherworker. The leatherworker tells him he has an idea and he will call the rabbi in a few weeks. One day the rabbis phone rings and the leatherworker tells him to come by his shop. Upon his arrival, the leatherworker hands the rabbi a wallet. The rabbi says,"All those foreskins and all you have made is a wallet?" The leatherworker replies," If you rub it, it turns in to a briefcase."

Two boys are playing cowboys and Indians

when the "Indian" falls to the ground, clutching his chest. The other kid, worried, quickly calls 911.
"Hello, my friend is dead, I believe," he tells the operator.
"Have you checked?" responds the operator.
"Well, no" says the "cowboy".
"In that case, make sure he actually is dead" instructs the operator.
At the other end of the line, the boy drops the phone. After the sound of hurried footsteps, a loud, literal BANG reaches the operator's ears. The "cowboy" picks up the phone again and states:
"Yep, he's dead".

Lawyer Joke

The phone rings at Smith and Associates Law Firm. The receptionist answers, and the voice on the other end says"I'd like to speak to Mr. Smith the lawyer please." The receptionist asks in a somber tone,"Are you a client of Mr. Smith's?" "No," the caller says "but my ex wife was." the receptionist responds, "I'm deeply saddened to inform you that Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Thank you," the caller says and hangs up. Only minutes later, the receptionist picks up the phone to hear the same voice ask, "can I speak to Mr. Smith? ". Confused, she again replies, "I'm sorry but Mr. Smith passed away last night. The caller hangs up, but moments later calls back and asks to speak to Mr. Smith. "Look, "the receptionist says in frustration, "I've tool you twice already Mr. Smith is dead!" "I know," the caller says cheerfully, "but I just so enjoy hearing it!"

Three men are being interviewed for a job at the same time

The interviewer says "Alright, you can get the job if you can come up with a sentence with the words green, pink and yellow."
First man replies "Well that's easy, my favorite colors are green, pink and yellow."
Interviewer smiles and says "You're hired!"
The second man scoffs and says "I saw a bird that was green, pink and yellow."
Interviewer says "You got it!"
Finally, the third man thinks for a while until he says "The phone rang green green, I pinked it up and said yellow!"
The end.