End Of The World Jokes
117 end of the world jokes and hilarious end of the world puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about end of the world that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest End Of The World Short Jokes
Short end of the world jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The end of the world humour may include short end of life jokes also.
- My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat! In the end, he came around.
- The E.U has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country after Brexit. I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
- TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world. While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.
- If there was a reality show about flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the world The ending would be a cliffhanger.
- If Netflix ran the world, a year would only be 6 months... Cause it would end after 2 seasons.
- What the Mayans taught me The Mayans taught me that if you don't finish something, it's not really the end of the world.
- Somebody drove past me on a tractor yelling "the end of the world is nigh!" I think it was Farmer Geddon
- Steps to success: 1. Predict the end of the world.
2. Write a book about it.
3. Prophet? - With four days left until the end of the world... I should really try to get better at subtraction.
- I was just about to watch Armageddon on Netflix, when my subscription expired. "Ah well," I thought. "It's not the end of the world."
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End Of The World One Liners
Which end of the world one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with end of the world? I can suggest the ones about end of the year and end of summer.
- So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means. It's not like it's the end of the world
- I cant spell armegedon. Oh well it's not the end of the world.
- Did your world end today? Mayan didn't
- Why hasn't the world ended Because it's round
- My grandparents fought during World War II. They ended up getting a divorce.
- What did the child say after World War II ended? "Look, ma! No Hans!"
- So what if I can't define armageddon It's not like it's the end of the world!
- What starts with a bang and ends with an orange? Answer: the world
- How do you kiss someone at the end of the world? On the apocalypse.
- When a mute prophet is predicting the end of the world, that's a sign of the end times.
- The world is ending tomorrow and you have 10 bucks. What do you buy? A pack of Lifesavers
- The world is literally ending. Well, at least for the Caribbean tourism business.
- I heard if you went on a diet.. you could end world hunger.
- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? - Aaron Herndandez came in this world destined to be a tight end... And left in one.
Laughable End Of The World Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about end of the world you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean apocalypse jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make end of the world pranks.
Inspiration.
A priest sees a young man walk into his church. He's downtrodden, shabby-looking, obviously in distress.
"My son, what's troubling you?"
"Oh, Father, I'm at my wit's end. I got fired, the bills are piling up, my credit cards are maxed out, I'm about to lose everything. I don't know what to do!"
"Take heart, my son" the priest says. "All shall be well in the fullness of time. Go to a nice, quiet park, where you can be at one with nature. Set your bible on a table, contemplate your trials and tribulations, and wait for the wind to flip the pages of your good book. Read what it says there, and you shall find your inspiration."
The man leaves, and the priest does not see him for several weeks. Then one day, the young man pulls up to the church driving a new Porsche, wearing an expensive Italian designer suit, obviously on top of the world.
"My goodness, son, you've certainly turned your life around!"
"Yes, Father, and I owe it all to you! I did what you said-when I looked at my bible, I knew I had found the answer!"
"That's wonderful, son. But if I may ask, what was it that you read?"
"Chapter 13."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a plane crashing down...
On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."
If you can't think of a joke about armageddon...
Don't worry, it's not the end of the world.
I saw the sexiest guy in the world today.
I went to hug him but I ended up just hurting my face on the mirror.
Sometimes I drink to cure my malaise.
If I get drunk this Friday because I am bummed about the end of the world, am I getting sauced because of Mayan-aise?
What's black, wears a bandana and ends the world?
Tupacalypse. (thanks to my buddy Mike)
The world didn't end today because...
Chuck Norris just bought a laptop with a 3 year warranty.
Economists...
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
This used to be my Dad's favorite joke. "The End of the World"
The world is ending by nuclear warfare and there are three men riding on a plane to a fallout shelter where they would be safe and ride out the devastation. The three men are: the president, the pope, and a young hippie.
Suddenly, as they are nearing their destination, the plane malfunctions and is going down quickly. The three passengers look at each other, then realize: there are only two parachutes.
The President hastily grabs a bag and before jumping out of the hatch says," I am God's gift to you all! I rule the United States! I am the leader this world will need! I am the SMARTEST man on this planet!"
Realizing they don't have much time the pope quickly says to the hippie, "My son, you have many more years to live than I, it would only be right for you to seize this opportunity and fulfill-"
The hippie begins laughing, startling the pope into silence, and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man on the planet just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ending It All
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left n**....
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Religion is like a n**... pic
If it ends up on the internet you're entering a world of criticism
The Unluckiest Guy in the world
A huge guy is drinking in a bar with his friend, when suddenly he sees a dude who looks really depressed. He looks at his friend and goes, 'You see the guy that seems to be having a really bad day? Well I'm gonna make his day even worse'. So he walks up to the dude and drinks the glass that was in front of him. The dude suddenly breaks into tears and starts crying hysterically. So the guy is surprised and tries to calm him down: ' Dude relax! I was just messing with you. I'll buy another drink'. The dude wipes off his tears and goes, 'I just had the worst day of my life. My car broke down on my way to work so I had to take a cab. I forgot my briefcase in the cab and cost my company millions of dollars. They fired me and I owe them their millions. When I got back from work, I found my wife in bed with my best friend. After all that I decided to end my life with a glass of poison, and you didn't even let me do that!'
I misspelled armageddon the other day...
But I guess it's not the end of the world
A man by the name of Ronald Bates came home to find his butler being arrested...
"What in the world could my butler have done to be arrested?" Bates asked the police officer handcuffing the butler.
"We had a complaint from you next door neighbor that he was yelling obscene remarks," the police officer replied.
"Obscene remarks?!?! What was he saying?!?!"
"The neighbors say that, for a few minutes on end, he kept yelling 'Masturbates,' 'Masturbates!'
The world unites
A Geordie bloke is stood outside his house and he sees a bloke from the next road over coming down his street "OY! What are you doing in MY street?".
Before the second man can respond another bloke from Middlesbrough appears at the other end of the street "OY!", they both shout, "what are you doing in OUR town?".
Before he has chance to respond a Londoner appears. "OY southerner!", all three shout, "what are you doing up north?".
Before he can explain a Frenchman appears. "OY! Frenchy, what are you doing in OUR country?" the four ask in unison.
Before the Frenchman has chance to reply an American appears. "OY! Yankee, what you doing on OUR continent?" all five exclaim.
Before the American can get a word out a spaceship lands in front of them and an alien gets out. Five of the six men immediately shout out "Take the Frenchy, you can probe him."
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today...
...It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Being kissed by a llama isn't the end of the world
The way some people go on about it, you'd think they were talking about the alpaca lips
A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended.
"What is your second wish?" - genie asked
"I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world."
Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?".
"Two lines of the best stuff on the world again."
Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again:
"So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend told me she has h**....
I told her it's not the end of the world, just a few bumps in the road.
The FineBros remind me of a movie villian...
...they revealed their master plan via monologue and were stopped before they could end the world.
I was so upset - I lost the spelling bee when I couldn't spell "Armageddon"
But my friend said "don't worry, it's not the end if the world!"
North Korea will survive even if the world ends tomorrow.
It's going to take them a while to catch up with the times.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to end world hunger ?
By letting the hungry die.
When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky.
They're always 20 years behind everything.
Mark Twain
Our Sins
So what if the whole Hilary/Trump presidential race is a result of of that last guy who didn't forward that chain mail causing the end of the world...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"What do you think about the End Of The World in 2013?"
b**.... I Have a Can of Tuna that will end in 2015
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."
s**... auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".
The transcriber of the book of Revelations misheard the Angel Gabriel
The world isn't going to end with trumpets.
It's going to end with Trump/Pence.
The German representative is just about to sign the Treaty of Versailles ending the war.
The Allies representative: "So you take full responsibility for starting the war?"
German representative: "Yes, we take full responsibility for starting World War one"
Allies representative: "one?"
What's the fastest animal in the world?
The Spanish government worker. The job ends at 3 and he's home by 2.
The funny thing about teen pregnancy is they all say, "Don't do it! You will lose all your freedom! Make the responsible choice." But after it happens they say "We're disappointed but we can make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."
Whoops, I accidentally autocorrected "Trumps' Presidency" to "teen pregnancy"
Fred doesn't know what apocalypse means..
Fred: I don't know what apocalypse means.
Bob: What! That's crazy!
Fred: So what if I don't know what apocalypse means, it's not the end of the world.
I wish teachers would stop putting so much emphasis on vocab tests
So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means. Its not the end of the world.
Football is simple.
22 players, 1 ball and Germany wins in the end. That's the biggest difference between football and world wars.
Why do people get so worked up about eschatology?
It's not like it's the end of the world..
If a genie offered you a choice between ending world hunger or getting a billion dollars
What color would your Lamborghini be?
I always wanted to become the world's youngest Elvis impersonator. My childhood was nonstop guitar practice voice training and dance class. I went to countless auditions before ever hitting puberty My performance was flawless but every time but every audition ended the same way...
... they looked me right in my face & said sorry kid you don't have the Chops.
What was the time of the whole end of the world thing?
I don't want to miss a thing...
Everyone was laughing at me yesterday for not knowing what apocalypse means
But I guess it's not the end of the world.
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motocycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank.
The End
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I thought my wife was watching the State of the Union last night
Turns out it was The End of The F**king World on Netflix.
What have you got against dystopias?
It's not like it's the end of the world.
A stranger ran up to me...
A stranger ran up to me, claiming the world going to end.
After that encounter Armageddon out of this town.
Why do people complain about thw Rapture?
It's not like it's the end of the world!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The end of the world
A women asks her husband:
Hey love, if the world ended in 10 minutes what would you do?
The husband cheerfully replies:
Well, I would definitely have s**... with you
The wife replies: And the last 9 minutes?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... with my wife is like the England World Cup squad
neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk guy walks out of a bar..
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging Out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his c**... and without Missing a beat, blurts out....
"F*c**... Me! My girlfriend's gone, too!!"
World Cup matches and music improvisation have a bit in common
You can't tell what's going to happen in the end just by looking at the score.
I'm making my own Crossword Puzzle but I'm struggling to think up a clue for 3 down, 'Armageddon'.
Ah well, it's not the end of the world.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.
He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.
Why World War 3 will be the end
Because third time's a charm.
The World is ending. The God's wrath is upon us. Beavers have become sentient and established a country of theur own.
It is a Dam Nation.
Why are test papers the end of the world?
Because they start with one A.I.
The world must have ended in 2012...
Because have you actually felt alive since then
A kiss from what would cause the end of the world?
Alpaca Lips
TIL I'm slightly less concerned if the world ends tomorrow
It's already tomorrow in Australia
I've decided to get a PhD in how much soda you should have for the end of the world.
Dr. Prepper, at your service.
Never any appreciation
Sure, I might be one of the world's greatest pickpockets, but does anyone ever notice?
However, there was one time when I ended up in a police lineup, but even then I didn't get the recognition I deserved.
I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.
It was just the alpaca lips.
More people would read books if publishers just added the phrase "In My Pants" to the end of every title.
War of the Worlds in My Pants
The Two Towers in My Pants
Great Expectations in My Pants
To Kill a Mockingbird in My Pants
Rising Strong in My Pants
Just as quarantine ends, you win your choice of an all-expenses-paid vacation anywhere in the world for you and your spouse, or a steak dinner with your friends. Which do you choose...
(a) medium rare,
(b) medium, or
(c) well done?
