End Of Life Jokes
123 end of life jokes and hilarious end of life puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about end of life that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest End Of Life Short Jokes
Short end of life jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The end of life humour may include short end of the world jokes also.
- I wish life was more like hockey... Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?
- "dad can I go bungee jumping?" "No son, your life started because of a broken rubber, it should not end by one too"
- That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life? Element three, my dear Watson.
- The "circle of life" applies to life in general, your own life is more of a straight line that ends abruptly.
(Credit James Acaster) - There was a time when I used a comma at the end of a sentence. It was the worst period of my life.
- On the way to the hospital my ambulance had to go through a traffic circle, and it ended up saving my life In a roundabout way
- Warning, Do not join any of the new super market dating services, I signed up. And ended up with a bag for life.
- Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently. The bullet went wide right.
- Would you trade a Politician's life to end the Covid-19 outbreak? If the answer is 'Yes', please provide answer the following questions:
Which one would be your choice?
And why Trump? - I spent most of my adult life in an institution. In the end a lawyer got me a divorce.
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End Of Life One Liners
Which end of life one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with end of life? I can suggest the ones about end of term and end of school.
- Life is like a box of chocolates... Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.
- What begins with S, ends with X and will change your life? Smallpox
- Im getting tired of the book "Life of Pi." It never ends.
- What happened to the spaghetti at the end of it's life? It pasta way.
- Life's like a roll of toilet paper The closer you get to the end the faster it goes
- There are only two certain things in computer programming life... death and syntax (end).
- The end of liFe is ironic. If you know even a bit of chemistry, you'll get it.
- The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
- Everything always ends well. If not – it's probably not the end.
- Life is the most expensive subscription ever And 18 is when the free trail ends
- My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.
- If I were a piano... ...I'd make sure my life ends on a high note.
- What has a beginning and an end, but nothing in the middle? Life
- My life coach told me I was going to be traded at the end of the year.
- The light at the end of the tunnel... might just be an incoming train.
End Of Life Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about end of life you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean life support jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make end of life pranks.
A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end.
"Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."
The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."
"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"
The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
Englishman, Scottish man and Irishman selling bibles door to door, they have a bet who will sell the most in a day.
They meet up at end of day and Englishman has sold 2, Scottish man had sold 3, but the Irishman who had a terrible stutter says hhhee hhhee hhhad sssold ssssixty. The other two asked how did he do it.
He said, "Wwwhen Iiiii nnnnnnknock aaaat thththe ddddooor I said: Do you wwwwwant tto bbbuy a bbbbbible ooooorrr shshshould Iiii jjjust rrrread it tttto yyyyou?"
One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word:
"I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..!"
Chuck Norris once cried just to see what it was like.
The end result was the creation of life.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up f**... accidently.
The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end.
The last chapter of every book should just be all the characters acting completely terrified because their world is about to end.
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Inspiration.
A priest sees a young man walk into his church. He's downtrodden, shabby-looking, obviously in distress.
"My son, what's troubling you?"
"Oh, Father, I'm at my wit's end. I got fired, the bills are piling up, my credit cards are maxed out, I'm about to lose everything. I don't know what to do!"
"Take heart, my son" the priest says. "All shall be well in the fullness of time. Go to a nice, quiet park, where you can be at one with nature. Set your bible on a table, contemplate your trials and tribulations, and wait for the wind to flip the pages of your good book. Read what it says there, and you shall find your inspiration."
The man leaves, and the priest does not see him for several weeks. Then one day, the young man pulls up to the church driving a new Porsche, wearing an expensive Italian designer suit, obviously on top of the world.
"My goodness, son, you've certainly turned your life around!"
"Yes, Father, and I owe it all to you! I did what you said-when I looked at my bible, I knew I had found the answer!"
"That's wonderful, son. But if I may ask, what was it that you read?"
"Chapter 13."
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player,
I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three
wood. I thought it was s**... but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.
That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grammer is important
On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, s**..., took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Jim and Mary.
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl was about to jump off a cliff...
A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have s**... with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Network administrator
A network administrator decided to join the military, and as part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range.
After taking a hundred shots and missing every one, the man's DI (drill instructor) came by to see what was wrong.
"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a network administrator," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The recruit checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off.
"Well," the he said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
The secret to wealth
A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My fav Aussie joke: An Aussie v**...
A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a v**....
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room n**... and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room 1 can get."
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
Sir Francis Bacon
Tomato is on life support.
*Sir Francis Bacon walks in*
"He's not gonna make it, is he?"
Doc: "He's basically a vegetable. Bacon, let us end tomato."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman, an American, a Jew and a Greek all die...
When they get to Heaven, they're given the chance to go back to Earth and give it one more shot.
"But whatever sin you committed most in life, you must not even think once of committing it again," they're told, "Or you'll be right back up here."
All four end up together back on Earth, and start walking down the street, talking about the experience and what they think their worst sin was.
They pass a bar. The Irishman looks in, gets a greedy look on his face, and *p**...* disappears.
They pass a fast food restaurant. The American looks in, starts drooling, and *p**...* he disappears, too.
The Jew and the Greek keep walking, joking at their friends' foolishness. The Jew sees a dollar bill lying on the street. He bends over to pick it up, and ...
*p**...* they both disappear.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What got him?
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night.
"My grandfather lived to be 96."
"Ninety-six? What finally got him?"
"Liquor and women."
"Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the o**..., "both will get you in the end."
"Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either, so he just laid down and died."
Some wisdom from my mother
If you end up with a good girl, then your life is complete.
If you end up with a bad girl, then your life is finished.
But if your good girl catches you in bed with a bad girl, then you're completely finished.
Shakespeare's The Life and Death of King Richard III
Spoiler Alert:
Richard III dies in the end.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This is the sickest train joke I know. Be warned.
Bruce was meant to meet his friend in a bar at midday.
12:30pm, 1pm, then 1:30pm rolls around. Just as Bruce was about to give up, his friend finally strolls in with dishevelled hair and a smug grin, "Sorry I'm late mate, you won't believe what happened to me just then..."
"What?"
"Well, I was walking here alongside the train tracks when I spot this lovely lady lying down with her skirt hitched up....we ended up making love m**..., d**..., pile driver...you name it. We did it. It was too good an opportunity to miss and the most amazing s**... of my life."
"Did she give you a head job?"
"Nah, couldn't find the head."
The Unluckiest Guy in the world
A huge guy is drinking in a bar with his friend, when suddenly he sees a dude who looks really depressed. He looks at his friend and goes, 'You see the guy that seems to be having a really bad day? Well I'm gonna make his day even worse'. So he walks up to the dude and drinks the glass that was in front of him. The dude suddenly breaks into tears and starts crying hysterically. So the guy is surprised and tries to calm him down: ' Dude relax! I was just messing with you. I'll buy another drink'. The dude wipes off his tears and goes, 'I just had the worst day of my life. My car broke down on my way to work so I had to take a cab. I forgot my briefcase in the cab and cost my company millions of dollars. They fired me and I owe them their millions. When I got back from work, I found my wife in bed with my best friend. After all that I decided to end my life with a glass of poison, and you didn't even let me do that!'
The fly and me
I'm translating this joke from my native language so I'm hoping its just as funny in English.
The other night I saw a mosquito in my room. I kept trying to catch it till I caught it in a corner, ready to end its life, when all of a sudden it turned around and said "Wait! Surely you won't kill your own family!", I stopped in my tracks and stared at the mosquito thinking what it meant. Then I realised the mosquito wasn't lying... My blood was coursing through its veins
I'll never forget how my grandfather died...
Every one in our family remembers it - he didn't hesitate, he looked calmly, then pushed forward, charging into the face of death, and managed to kill 5 of em' before a piece of shrapnel ended his life...
Meanwhile my grandma was shouting "IT'S A RED LIGHT!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Arron Hernandez found guilty of first-degree m**...
He has been sentenced to life in prison without parole. I'm not quite sure how much longer he is going to remain a "tight end"
Life is like a box of chocolates...
If you end up with brown sticky fingers, you're doing it wrong.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...
...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, p**...! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!
Then p**...! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Bill, where are you?
Bill yells back, I'm over here in the pussywillows.
Joe shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !
An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...
He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"
So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.
The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you *doing*?!".
The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Frustrated p**....
There was this hard working p**... who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Discussing Funerals
Three men are sitting around drinking coffee when a pastor comes up to them. "Men, I want you to think about when your life ends. What would you people to say about you at your f**...?"
The first man thinks a bit and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good family man. That I provided for my wife and children."
The second man thinks and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good Christian. That I read the scripture and lived for the Lord."
The third man says, "I hope they say 'Look! He's moving!!'"
What do you call an irrelevant elephant.
An irrelephant.
^^^I'm ^^^ending ^^^my ^^^life ^^^tonight ^^^boys.
The Yin and Yan of Life
Life at begining of month:
I am the king. let me buy some castles and build an empire
Life at month's end:
Do I really need two kidneys?
I got great life advice from the old asian lady at the massage parlor
"If you want Happy Ending, don't pick young pretty girl."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best b**... I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last b**... of my entire life."
We Started Family Game Night with Life
and ended with uno.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To drown in a swamp would be a quite symmetrical way to kick the bucket ...
Your life began when you were pushed out of a slimy hole, now it ends while you're getting s**... into one.
I gave my dog my Netflix password
Which ended up being problematic. See, I'm raising him to be an atheist. I came home one day to find him sitting on the couch upset. He said "My whole life is a lie, you've lying to me. I just found out where all dogs go."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did Hillary say when she lost?
Putin end to my life.
I flew the love of my life to the mountains this weekend. I rode her for hours. I had never rode her so hard! In fact I was so tired I decided to stay the night and ended up riding her some more in the morning. I don't think I have ever had such an amazing time.
My GF hates when I talk about my bike trips with her parents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I am satisfied with my life choices. I no longer pay for rent, food, electricity and blow jobs...
not until my jail term ends...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say Jesus was a v**.....
But I'm pretty sure towards the end of his life he got nailed.
Getting Dad-zoned
Seeing a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar, a man walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."
Wise words from a Gravestone
In life... a man needs a woman he can laugh with,
a woman who will cook for him,
a woman who he can enjoys life's adventures with,
and it's super important that these women never meet,
Otherwise you will end up in the ground like me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So an elderly golfer dies on the course and arrives at the pearly gates...
St. Peter looks upon his life and deems him worthy to enter heaven. But first, St. Peter asks him to recall the moments leading to his demise.
"I went out to the golf course, like i do every so often, and I was having a particularly great round. I was even on target to set a new personal best!"
Peter, confused, asks him, "So what happened? how did you end up here?"
The golfer looks at him and states, "I had a bad s**......"
How to be successful in life
1. See failiure as a beginning, not the end.
Two brothers are talking about life,
Bro 1: Why do you think I ended up with 9 kids and you have none.
Bro 2: That's because I use the safe period.
Bro 1: What's the safe period?
Bro 2: When you're at work.
I took a cab home the other night and thankfully everything ended fine!
Over the weekend, I was out drinking with some friends and we ended up finishing off the handful of beers with a couple shots before heading out. (Not a smart move, I know)
I was nervous about taking a cab home, but my friends all insisted it was in my best interest.
Sure enough, I was waved right through a police roadblock since it was a cab and ended up getting home without an accident or any troubles which was really surprising because I had never driven a cab before in my life!
Two carrots are walking together down the street,
One of them stepped onto the road and ended up getting run over by a car. The other carrot calls 911 and they take him to the hospital. After hours of waiting the doctor comes out
and says, "I have good news and bad news, the good news is your friend is going to make it, the bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man wanted to commit s**...
But he hesitated and called the s**... prevention hotline.
s**... prevention: Hello?
Man: I'm so tired of life. I just want to end it all... please, what do I do?
s**... prevention: I know life can be tough... but just hang in there!
*a few minutes pass*
s**... prevention: Hello?
A man was diagnosed with cancer.
Man: "Wow, Doc, how bad is it?"
Doctor: "Well, you're at the extreme end of stage 4 pancreatic cancer. You've only got about 3 months to live."
Man: "Oh no! Is there anything I can do?"
Doctor: "Well, I'd suggest moving to Arkansas and becoming a pig farmer."
Man: "Really? That would cure my cancer?"
Doctor: "Oh no, of course not. But it will be the longest three months of your life."
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when i die I want it to be from being hit by a falling piano
That way my life ends on a dramatic note.
My life is like inception
It goes on forever and ever but you really just want it to end.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It's too expensive and you ownly end up liking half of it.
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In the end, h**... wasn't so bad.
He sacrificed his life to kill h**....
Why don't Americans like it when paramedics save them from what could've been life ending accident?
A life ending bill.
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Smoking Kills
Experts say that every time you inhale a drag of a cigarette, it takes 7 seconds off your life.
When I was a teenager, my best friend and I tried cigarettes for the first time. I ended up smoking for 25 years, but my friend only inhaled **once**.
Yesterday, while out walking his dog, he got hit by a bus and was killed instantly.
I can't get it out of my mind - I keep thinking - if he never had inhaled that one time - we probably could have heard him scream.
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COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me
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Two brothers, one good, one bad, go the Heaven.
John the good brother sees his brother Tom walking with a gorgeous blonde and carrying a jug of whiskey. He runs up to him and asks how he ended up with a jug of whiskey and a gorgeous blonde after a life of debauchery and drunkenness.
John's sad reply was, "the j**... got a hole in it and the blonde doesn't."
My life is the integral of sin(x) evaluated in the region of 0≤x≤2π
It has it ups and down, but in the end, it amounts to 0.