JokoJokes

End Jokes

155 end jokes and hilarious end puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about end that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Find out how to make the most of the year-end, month-end, financial year-end, rear-end, tight-end, fiscal year-end and week-end. Learn the strategies to finally reach the endgame and navigate around any dead-end. Uncover the secrets to make this final stretch of the year successful.

Funniest End Short Jokes

Short end jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The end humour may include short year end jokes also.

  1. My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat! In the end, he came around.
  2. My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it post office
  3. Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it Trying to get into smaller pants
  4. My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface.
  5. The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation. This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.
  6. Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market? It was a Big Mcsteak
  7. I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic He said I don't know. I'm not really into politics.
  8. Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast.
  9. How is hurricane Florence like my ex wife? They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
  10. Why are white gangs the scariest in prisons? Because they had a fair trial and still ended up there.

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End One Liners

Which end one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with end? I can suggest the ones about month end and rear end.

  1. We cannot allow this year to end That would be admitting that 2021
  2. What start with "e," ends with "e," and contains one letter? An envelope.
  3. What word starts with "E" and ends in "E" but only has one letter in it? Envelope.
  4. What starts with a W, and has 3 letters, but ends with a T I'm not asking
  5. What begins with a "W" and ends with a "T" It really does!
  6. My boss fired me for making too many asian jokes It was the end of my Korea
  7. What starts with a W and ends with a T It really does, I swear!
  8. What starts with W, ends with T and has two letters in between. Just stating the obvious.
  9. What starts with a 't' ends with a 't' and is full of 't' ? A teapot.
  10. What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry? Popcorn
  11. What starts with T, ends with T, but only has T in ? Teapot
  12. What has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence? Parole.
  13. So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means. It's not like it's the end of the world
  14. God initially planned to use wasps to make honey. But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
  15. I read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. At first I hated it, but by the end I loved it.

Year End Jokes

Here is a list of funny year end jokes and even better year end puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends. Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
  • The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won? Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin
  • I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year. 30 pounds to go
  • I just ended a 5 year relationship today. It's okay. It wasn't my relationship.
  • I just ended a 5 years long relationship I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship.
  • Every year there is a race from one side of Sweden to the other... They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line.
  • What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.
    (Yes, I have been waiting till the end of the year to write this)
  • I just ended a 5 year relationship! I am fine though because it wasn't my relationship.
  • As a 12 year old, online dating is a tough thing Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
  • I just ended a 8 year relationship I'm OK though, it wasn't my relationship

End Of The Year Jokes

Here is a list of funny end of the year jokes and even better end of the year puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If Netflix ran the world, a year would only be 6 months... Cause it would end after 2 seasons.
  • We cannot allow this year to end Because that will mean admitting that 2021.
  • As a 10-year-old, I find online dating real tough. Every person I meet ends up in jail!
  • My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future. That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.
  • I just ended a 15 year marriage. It's ok though, it wasn't mine.
  • One of my legs is longer than the other. I've spent years trying to get it rectified... But I just end up going around in circles.
  • How come pencils are unable to have children? It's because they have a rubber at the end. [heard this from a friend who heard it from a 90 year old man]
  • I just ended a five year relationship. I feel like maybe that arguing couple at the store was none of my business.
  • I just ended a 5 years relationship... Good thing it wasn't mine
  • This year, I tried to smoke a turkey. But I rolled it too tight and couldn't get the end lit.

End Of The World Jokes

Here is a list of funny end of the world jokes and even better end of the world puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • So I brought a world map and asked my wife to shoot a dart on it and wherever it lands, I will take her there for two weeks when pandemic ends. It's her day 5 behind the fridge.
  • So what if i don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.
  • The E.U has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country after Brexit. I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
  • TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world. While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.
  • If there was a reality show about flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the world The ending would be a cliffhanger.
  • I cant spell armegedon. Oh well it's not the end of the world.
  • And verily, John said to the Lord, The world shall end with Trumpets? God: No, I meant Trump/Pence.
    John: Trumpets, got it.
    God: No... ah, forget it.
  • What the Mayans taught me The Mayans taught me that if you don't finish something, it's not really the end of the world.
  • So what if I can't spell "armagedon" correctly ? Its not the end of the world.
  • Somebody drove past me on a tractor yelling "the end of the world is nigh!" I think it was Farmer Geddon

End Of Life Jokes

Here is a list of funny end of life jokes and even better end of life puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I wish life was more like hockey... Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?
  • The Lord said to John: Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life! John ended up coming fifth…
  • when i die I want it to be from being hit by a falling piano That way my life ends on a dramatic note.
  • Life is like a box of chocolates... Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.
  • "dad can I go bungee jumping?" "No son, your life started because of a broken rubber, it should not end by one too"
  • What begins with S, ends with X and will change your life? Smallpox
  • Im getting tired of the book "Life of Pi." It never ends.
  • What happened to the spaghetti at the end of it's life? It pasta way.
  • I'm getting sick of the book, "Life of Pi". It never ends.
  • I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken, and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg. Things happened but in the end, we answered a life-long question... The chicken came first.

Month End Jokes

Here is a list of funny month end jokes and even better month end puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us? It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
  • I've gone from agony to ecstasy in this last week. Hopefully, by the end of this month... ...I'll be done reading this dictionary.
  • Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself, that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.
  • Women shouldn't have to be in prison for more than a month. Because their period should be the end of their sentence.
  • I'm starting a new diet. It's called 2 Dollars a day until the end of the month.
  • Pornhub was sued a few months ago by xhamster The trial was long and hard, but ended with a hung jury
  • Why when theyre arrested do women only spend a month in jail? Because a period marks the end of a sentence
  • The meaning of the word "Poor" Poor (noun) = When you have too much month at the end of your money
  • Last year, my friend William moved to China and spent 6 months teaching ESL. He ended up falling in love and getting married. And now? Where there's a Will, there's a Wei.
  • In the past week, I went from agony to ecstasy. At this rate, I'll finish reading the dictionary by the end of the month.

Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious End Jokes and Friends

What funny jokes about end you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tight end jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make end pranks.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a p**... in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber p**... here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo

After kissing a g**... her sofa she said let's take this upstairs

Ok I said You grab one end and I'll grab the other

Finally, a blonde joke I haven't heard before…

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun k**... a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,
Because I'm the Goalie!

**

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.
Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .
The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"
There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.
Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.
Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.
Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.
(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)
Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?

The professor replied, Sorry. No Time.

A conversation with god about Trump

John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."

A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel

An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel
A REALIST sees a freight train
The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

s**... auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.
I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."

In Sweden the CEO of IKEA was just elected president.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

Too soon for COVID jokes?

COVID is like fashion…
We started hearing about it in Italy…
Became popular in LA and NYC…
Florida ignored it…
And it was all made in China in the end.

That's a nice ham you've got there...

... it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.

A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, HIJACK!

All passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, HI JOHN!

A f**... service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
They have another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

During a f**......

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

A r**...'s father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.

Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.
The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."
"You're on," says the big guy.
"Righto," says the small fellow, "Jump in."

What's the difference between a cheetah and a comma?

A cheetah has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause

My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun k**... a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,
"Because I'm the Goalie!"

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Two guys were in an English pub.

They called the publican over to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?
You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."

There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

Boy: [kissing g**... couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.
Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

What could the Boston Marathon b**... do that h**... couldn't?

End a race.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison...

...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie.

100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.
Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says I used to date that guy before I met you
Bill laughs and laughs and says wow, imagine where you'd be if you would've married that guy!
Hillary looks back at Bill and says I'd be married to the President of the United States
~ Courtesy of my father

The best in town!

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?

Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?
A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.

They were both put in a room and at the other end was a n**... woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her. The engineer replied, So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes.

Sheep

At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"
"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.
"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

A girl was about to jump off a cliff...

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have s**... with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

I've lost control. I don't see an end. There is no escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

Time for a new keyboard.

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

The other night my wife and I had an argument, and by the end of it I had that woman on her knees!

She was saying, 'Come out from under the bed, you coward.'

Deep.

Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.
Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees light from incoming train.
Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'
They hold up the sign to cars passing by.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Why Don't We Have a Reality Show Where Flat Earthers Walk to the End of the Earth?

Because that would be edgy

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't e**... ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"
(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."

A rope walked into a bar...

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel...

The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"
"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."
"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, j**...?"

My gay friend's had an 80's themes costume party.

I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.

A f**... service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

What end of the rope did Aaron Hernandez hang himself with?

The tight end.

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act

After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"

So I did some research...

and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...
Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.
In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

A chicken saw a duck standing by the side of the road. The chicken called out to the duck:

Don't do it pal. You'll never hear the end of it!

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome...

It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

My marriage was a like a hurricane.

At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.

jokes about end