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Empty Seats Jokes

53 empty seats jokes and hilarious empty seats puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about empty seats that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Empty Seats Short Jokes

Short empty seats jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The empty seats humour may include short seats jokes also.

  1. Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Bus conductor : The older one should sit here
    Both looked at each other
    And the seat remained empty :p
  2. Mixed emotions: watching a bus full of lawyers plunge off a cliff... ... with five empty seats.
  3. What's an empty old suit of armor doing in a driver seat of an empty car? Maybe he went out for the knight.
  4. I don't believe in Bigfoot Because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my school recitals and always saw that one empty seat.
  5. Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff.
    The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.
    Bad News: There were three empty seats.

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Empty Seats One Liners

Which empty seats one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with empty seats? I can suggest the ones about empty pockets and empty glass.

  1. Man: Is this seat empty?
    Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Hilarious Empty Seats Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about empty seats you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean chairs tables jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make empty seats pranks.

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit.

She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."

It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.

He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the f**...."

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.


The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.


He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, "No, the seat's empty."
"The first man exclaims, "What?!?
Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?"
The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together."
The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that.
Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the f**...."

Two r**..., Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

There was a Packers fan with a really c**.

.. seat at Lambeau.
Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line.
Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."
The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the f**...."

I was at a football game. Sold out stadium, but the guy next to me had an empty seat next to himself...

...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the f**..."

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Game 7

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, he says. They're all at the f**...."

A blind man walks into a bar...

...and after managing to find himself an empty seat at the bar he orders a pint.
Bartender fills the pint and as it is being placed in front of the blind man says, "hey Bartender, wanna hear a dumb blonde girl joke?"
Bar goes silent.
"Hey man," the Bartender says, "you're blind so there is a few things you should know before you tell your joke. You are in a d**... bar, the only one in town actually, and many of us are blonde. I am blonde. Sid the biker chick next to you is blonde and so is her girlfriend. The bouncer is also blonde along with the 2 chicks behind you playing pool. Do you really want to tell that joke?"
"Nah, you're right." says the blind man, "I would have to explain it too many times."

What causes arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be d**...," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

All the forest animals are having a big car show..

..shining their rims, getting ready to put their cars on display for the forest folk to see. The bunny is hopping along half drunk and stumbles into the clearing.
"WHOAAHhh bear, that's a sweet lambo, how did you ever afford it?"
"Well bunny, i'm not an alcoholic like you" replies the bear.
The bunny takes another sip of his stashed mickey and hops with his face into the rims of a Ferrari.
"Woaahh Fox, how on earth did you afford this!"
The Fox, grabbing a towel out of its back pocket gives the bunny a dirty look and mutters "I don't spend every acorn i earn on booze.."
The bunny, amazed, takes another swig of v**... and hops his way back into the woods.
As everyone is adding the finishing touches to their rides, ready to open the show to the public, a helicopter lands in the middle of it all with the bunny in the pilot seat. He barely makes two hops and throws up.
"Wow bunny.. how on earth did you ever manage to afford that?!" the amazed onlookers exclaim.
" *hic*.. turned in my empties"

Empty seat at the world cup

Its the world cup final and a man sits down and realizes that the seat next to him is empty. He turns to the guy the other side of the seat and asks. "is the person sitting here with you?"
The man cheerlessly replies, "it was my wife's seat, but she sadly passed away"
"how awful, do you not have any family or friends you could have given the ticket to?"
"well no, they're all at the f**..."

The Super Bowl

Surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl, a diehard fan remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby.
"It was my husband's," the woman explained, "but he died."
"I'm very sorry," said the man. "Yet I'm really surprised that another relative, or friend, didnt jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him."
"Beats me," she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."

Meanwhile in rural Ireland...

p**... pays a visit to his old friend Tommy one afternoon. Tommy takes a seat in the kitchen whilst p**... makes him a cup of coffee. Tommy, being the inquisitive type, says "I can't help but notice there p**... that ye have a lot of empty milk bottles in your fridge so ye do, why exactly would that be?"
To which p**... replies " Oh thats just in case a visitor wants a black coffee"

A man is watching a world cup final in a sold out stadium

He notices an empty seat just in front of his and says to the guy sitting next to it, "Hey man, how come this seat here's empty? Tickets for this game havee been sold out for months!"
"Well, the seat was meant for my wife, but sadly, she passed away"
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend or relative to come along instead?"
"Nah, they're all at the f**...."

what causes arthritis?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Old couples

An old man and his wife were driving through town, with the wife chattering away. Arriving downtown, the man had to navigate several turns to get to his destination. Suddenly he noticed flashing lights in his mirror and pulled over. The officer approached the car and asked, "Mister, didn't you notice that your wife fell out of the car when you went around that turn back there?"
The man looked over at the passenger seat and saw that it was indeed empty and that the door was ajar. Turning back to the cop he said, "Thank goodness, I thought that I'd gone deaf!"

Priest DUI

So a priest is driving along, swerving a bit and gets pulled over, the officer asks him 'have you had anything to drink tonight father' to which the priest replies 'only water' the officer then points out a empty bottle of wine in the passenger seat, the priest then shouts 'Jesus Christ! He's done it again!'

A starving man walks into a busy diner...

He sees one empty seat near the counter and quickly sits down. The man next to him is passed out and looks sickly, but there is a steaming bowl of oatmeal sitting next to him, untouched.
After 10 minutes no one has even brought the man water, let alone taken his order, so he sneakily slides the bowl of oatmeal towards him and begins eating ravenously.
After only a couple minutes, he nears the bottom of the bowl, and notices a giant dead cockroach at the bottom. Disgusted, he spews all of the oatmeal back into the bowl and onto the counter. Just then, the sickly man next to him wakes up.
"Oh, yea... you saw the cockroach, too?"

NFC Championship game

A guy goes to the NFC championship game. He's got great seats, right on the 50 yard line. He looks over and there is an old man sitting next to an empty seat. So he asks, Do you know who this seat belongs to?
The old man says yes, my wife and I have been coming to these games for 40 years. That used to be her seat before she passed away.
Oh, sorry for your loss. Why leave it empty? Why not bring a friend or family member?
I would have he says, but they are all at her f**....

A man had 50 yard line tickets at the Super Bowl

A man had 50 yard line tickets at the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The first man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven 't been to together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the f**...."

Beer-o-derm

One day, two r**... named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock.
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir." said Earl. "We're on the patch."

I was at the football game the other day...

It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me
I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.
"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.
I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.
"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.
The man replied, "Oh, he's at the f**...!".

Men's Room, Men's Rules

A long line leading to the ladies' room greeted my friend's wife. Since desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend took her 
into the empty men's room, then stood guard. When she exited a few minutes later, a man waiting his turn called out, I hope you remembered to put up the toilet seat.

What causes arthritis?

A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick. He smelled awful, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here, that the Pope does."

A priest walks into a movie theater

...and finds that most of the seats are taken. He looks around for a while, and finally sees an empty seat. The priest asks the man sitting next to the open seat, "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"
The man looks the priest up and down and replies to him, "No, but it's willing to listen."

A man has Super Bowl tickets

A man and his new wife make a pact to go to every Super Bowl. After 43 years the wife passes away, but the man continues their tradition and goes to the next super bowl. Another man sitting in the same row sees the empty seat next to the man and asks "why is this seat empty? It's the super bowl?" And the man replies "well it was my wife's seat but she passed away" and the other asks " well did you not want to invite anyone else?, any family?" And the man responds "I did but nobody would come with me" and the other remarks, "man that's tough your wife dies and they wouldn't come to the super bowl with you, what did they have to do that was better?" And the man says, "well her f**... was today."

POLICE ROADBLOCK

Two r**..., Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

The Preist & The Drunkard

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is
stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty
bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.
He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the
disheveled guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"
"It's caused by loose living, cheap women and too much alcohol!"
"Well, I'll be d**...!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest thinks about what he has said, nudges the man and apologizes.
"I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me,
how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does!"

Guy manages to land a Superbowl ticket...

But he's in the last row. He decides to move down and find an empty seat. Of course there's none, but finally spots a great seat next to an older gentleman. "Hey anyone sitting there?" "No, go ahead." so he sits down. "Great seats here, strange to find one empty." "Well, that would have been my wife's. We've been to all 49 Superbowls, but she passed away." "I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't you find any friends or family to come?" "No, they're all at the f**...."

Stanley Cup... f**...?

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... but couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No," he says, "They're all at the f**...."

A man is at a sellout football game with an empty seat beside him...

A man is at a sellout football game with an empty seat beside him. The guy behind him notices that the seat is empty and asks him why.
"My wife recently passed away. We have season passes and she never missed a game" the man said.
"I'm very sorry to hear that" replied the man behind him. "Couldn't you have invited one of your friends to come with you to fill the seat?"
"Oh no!" The man replied. "They're all at the f**...".

Guy goes to a ballgame...

...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the f**...."

A pilot steps out of the cockpit and speaks to the cabin through the PA

"Ladies and gentlemen I need a huge favor from you. My wife just called me that her mother is on her way through security and needs a last minute seat to come with me to Atlanta for a last minute event. She flies for free with my buddy passes. I see some of you are still trying to find a seat. This flight is completely full, so if you could please store your bags, find those remaining empty middle seats and settle in and clear the aisle as quickly as possible, hopefully we can close the aircraft door and push back before my mother-in-law gets here".

A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?
"They're all at the f**...."

Two men are sat at a cup final with an empty seat between them.....

The younger man says " I cant believe there is an empty seat here on a match of this importance"
"It was my wife seat, but she recently passed away" replied the older guy.
"oh im sorry to hear that, didnt you have any friends or family that wanted to come with you today?" Said the younger man.
"No" said the older guy.........."they are all at the f**..."

A man takes his seat in the front row of the World Cup Final

He looks across and notices an empty seat between him and the next guy.
The man said, Who would ever want to miss the World Cup?
The other man replied, It's my wife's spot, we have gone to the past 4 World Cup finals together but she died recently
The man asked, I'm so sorry.. Where is the rest of your family?
They're at her f**....

A man looks around the football stadium to find a good seat. He sees a man sitting next to an empty seat in the front row. He walks up to the man.

Hello, I need a seat, is this one taken?
Not anymore, it's was suppose to be my wife's.
Why isn't she here?
She died.
I'm sorry for your loss but why not give the seat to another family member or friend?
They're all at her f**....

So, a guy is at the Superbowl championship game when he notices the seat next to his is empty.

He finds this very odd but forgets about it quickly. A little bit later he notices that the seat is still empty. He tries to forget about it and focus on the game. An empty seat at the Superbowl is just too weird though. He then asks the guy in the seat two seats over if he knows what's up with the empty seat. The guy says that the empty seat was meant for his wife who had passed away. The other guy says he is sorry to hear that but didn't he have a friend or family member that he could have given the ticket to? The widower says "Yes, but they are all at the f**...."

A cop sees a car swerving around as it goes down the road and pulls it over.

At the wheel, he finds a priest. So the cop shines a light in the car and asks him, have you been drinking, father?
The priest says, Just water.
The cop moved his flashlight to the passenger seat and saw an empty bottle of wine. The priest looks at it and cries out, Good Lord, He's done it again!

After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room.

Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass.
When he returned from making his pit stop, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said
"Thanks for the treat!" It was signed, "The world's fastest runner."

A p**... drunk man stumbles onto the bus on his way home...

When he finally hobbles his way to the last empty seat, he turns to see a posh stiff lady seated with her frilly pink French poodle.
He turns his head shakily and slurs, "Where'dh ye get tha' pig?"
The lady huffs and retorts, "Ugh! Why, I'll have you know Mr. Squiggles is **not** a pig! He is a purebred French poodle!"
The man squints his eyes and is silent for a second. Then turns back to the lady and slurs once more:
"I wath tokking...to thuh Frensh poothle."

(Not OC) A man is sitting down in his seat at the Superbowl when he sees an empty seat beside him...

He turns to the man sitting one over and says "wow, it's amazing to see an empty seat at the Superbowl."
The seated man says "It's my wife's seat, she'd come with me every year to the Superbowl but she passed away and couldn't make it this year.
The other man responds "Jesus, I'm so sorry to hear and sorry for your loss. But surely you could have found someone, a cousin, a family friend or anything.."
The seated man says "I could, but they're all at her f**...."

It's the Merseyside Derby and Anfield is full to bursting

A Liverpool fan sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He turns to the man in the next seat and says 'I can't believe there's an empty seat on derby day'. The man replies 'This seat belonged to my wife, she died last week. She never missed a game'
The Liverpool fan says 'Oh I'm sorry for your loss, don't you have a friend or relative who could use her ticket?'. The man replies 'No. They're all at the f**...'