Empty Jokes
176 empty jokes and hilarious empty puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about empty that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the concept of "empty jokes" and the void that could come with them. It examines the phenomenon of empty jokes from the perspective of an empty glass, empty wallet, empty nest, and an empty gas tank. Through this, it seeks to answer the question of how we can use such emptyness as a means of making a joke. It provides insight into the depths of our internal void and how this could be used to create a funny moment.
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Funniest Empty Short Jokes
Short empty jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The empty humour may include short blank jokes also.
- I asked my wife So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty? And you know what she said? Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!
- We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one? I said, Why would I want two empty glasses?
- An optimist says, the glass is half full. A pessimist says, the glass is half empty. An optometrist says, you both need glasses.
- Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full? Applicant: It's completely full.
Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory. - What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy? An empty toilet paper roll.
- How can a room full of married people be empty? Because there's not a single person there.
- I just went to the Air & Space museum. Man do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.
- Riddle: A King has 3 cups in front of him. The first two cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name?? King Philip III
- Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty? Me : It's because you're a pessimist.
- So I broke my waterproof speaker, by throwing it into a pool. I filed a request for a new speaker, but the company responded "it's not our fault the pool was empty".
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Empty One Liners
Which empty one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with empty? I can suggest the ones about unfinished and void.
- To the guy that found my empty wallet... I don't know how to repay you.
- Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
- Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa? Because it can't be taken on empty stomach
- What do me and my fridge have in common? Were both empty inside and weigh a tonne
- I bought a DVD on dealing with disappointment. When I opened it, the box was empty.
- How are cats like empty wine bottles? I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.
- What do you call a semi truck with it's load half empty? Pessimist Prime
- What do you find in an empty nose? Fingerprints.
- An empty water bottle walks into a bar... The bartender says, Go home. You're drunk.
- I went to the Air and Space Museum It wasn't as empty as I thought it'd be.
- What do you get when you empty the Smithsonian? The Air and Space museum.
- The gun fight between the turtles and tortoise was barbaric! Empty shells everywhere.
- How is a Stormtrooper like an empty church? Both of their Pews are missing people
- What is empty and spins round and round? A Malaysian Airlines baggage claim.
- What did the full glass say to the half empty glass? You look drunk.
Empty Glass Jokes
Here is a list of funny empty glass jokes and even better empty glass puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Pessimist: The glass is half empty... Optimist: The glass is half full
Journalist: You won't BELIEVE what's in this glass! - Optimist: "This glass is half-full." Pessimist: "This glass is half-empty." EA Employee: "Download the next half for $9.99!"
- A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.
- Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says... ... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
- Guy is sitting in a bar when the bartender notices the empty glass in front of him. "Care for another?" the bartender asks. Guy replies "why would I want two empty glasses?"
- I'm a pessimist and an optimist, So when I see a glass half empty I pour it into a smaller glass.
- There are three kinds of people... The ones who say the glass is half full,
The ones who say the glass is half empty,
And the one who thinks you should have gotten a smaller glass. - The pessimist in me says 'the glass is half empty'... The optimist in me says 'at least it's whiskey'.
- Glass half full Optimist thinks the glass is 1/2 full.
Pessimist thinks the glass is 1/2 empty.
Excel knows the glass is February the 1st. - There are 3 types of people Them: "the glass is half full"
Others: "the glass is half empty"
Me: "they didn't get my order right"
Glass Half Empty Jokes
Here is a list of funny glass half empty jokes and even better glass half empty puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- They say an optimist will see a glass as half full, while a pessimist will see it as half empty. Speaking as an alcoholic it's panic stations either way for me.
- I'm an optimistic pessimist... I see the glass as half empty, but there are free refills
- Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty... I'm an opportunist. I drank it all while the other two argued.
- The Optimist says "the glass is half full" The Pessimist says, "NO it's half empty!"
The Urologist says, "well it's gonna be full soon!"
The Urophiliac says, "aaaawwww yeah!" - I'm more optimistic than most. Some say the glass is half empty, some would say it's half full.
I'd say "Hey, That's a nice glass!" - A glass of water that is half full Optimist: The Glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Thanos: Perfectly balanced. - An optimist sees a glass half full... A pessimist sees the glass half empty.
A kleptomaniac sees the glass. - There are 3 types of people in the world: Glass half-full people, glass half-empty people, And kids with antivax parents, who never live long enough to form an opinion
- A pessimist sees the glass half empty An optometrist sees the glass in focus.
- The philosopher says the glass is half empty, the optimist says the glass is half full.... The sjw says the glass is half-fluid.
Empty Seats Jokes
Here is a list of funny empty seats jokes and even better empty seats puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Bus conductor : The older one should sit here
Both looked at each other
And the seat remained empty :p - Mixed emotions: watching a bus full of lawyers plunge off a cliff... ... with five empty seats.
- What's an empty old suit of armor doing in a driver seat of an empty car? Maybe he went out for the knight.
- I don't believe in Bigfoot Because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my school recitals and always saw that one empty seat.
- Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff.
The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News: There were three empty seats. - Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Empty Stomach Jokes
Here is a list of funny empty stomach jokes and even better empty stomach puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why is it that there's no pharmacies in Africa? Because you shouldn't take medicine on an empty stomach.
- The stomach is smarter than the brain. Because the stomach warns you when it is empty, the brain does not.
- Why there were no pharmacies in USSR? Because you can't take pills on an empty stomach
- I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
- Why is it bad to write on an empty stomach? Paper works better.
- My grandma could never muster up enough force with her hands to open items in a jar She suffocated to death on an empty stomach :/
- What's the difference between your brain and your stomach? Your stomach lets you know if it's empty.
- "Mom, I have stomachache" "That's because you leave your stomach empty from time to time" said his mom.
"Now I know why you often have headache" - Why did the cow exit the grocery store with 6 carts teeming with food? She went shopping on four empty stomachs.
- Doctor, doctor, should I surf the Internet on an empty stomach?
No, you should do it on a computer.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Empty Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about empty you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean neutral jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make empty pranks.
Helpful Daughter
Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."
"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."
That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.
Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."
Half full, Half empty.
Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.
Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,
While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.
Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.
Neutralists decline to comment.
Anyone there?
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello! We're down here..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man walks into Bar with a Dog ...
Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.
He & his Dog empty the Glasses.
Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks - Can your Dog perform any other tricks?
Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.
Girl is too curious.. Deciding that she'll test the dog, she undresses and lies in full expectation.
Dog looks at her and does nothing....
Man to Dog: It's always the same with you, now this is the last time I am showing you how to do it..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
A question for your doctor
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
I went to the Space and Air Museum in Indiana...
I paid $20 just to see an empty warehouse.
In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor
How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?
Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger....
Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Now if you would be so kind as to proceed to bed no.39
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blind man walks into a bar...
...and after managing to find himself an empty seat at the bar he orders a pint.
Bartender fills the pint and as it is being placed in front of the blind man says, "hey Bartender, wanna hear a dumb blonde girl joke?"
Bar goes silent.
"Hey man," the Bartender says, "you're blind so there is a few things you should know before you tell your joke. You are in a d**... bar, the only one in town actually, and many of us are blonde. I am blonde. Sid the biker chick next to you is blonde and so is her girlfriend. The bouncer is also blonde along with the 2 chicks behind you playing pool. Do you really want to tell that joke?"
"Nah, you're right." says the blind man, "I would have to explain it too many times."
The difference perspective has on optimism and pessimism
After downing half of his glass of milk, my ten year old son declared, "*I am an optimist: 'The glass is half empty!'*..."
"*Looking at the glass as half empty is a sign of pessimism son,*" I said.
He smiled and corrected me: "*Not if you don't like what's in it!*"
Asylum
A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says.
"No, the sane people would use the plug..."
There was a Jewish businessman
There was a Jewish businessman who was almost late at an important business meeting where punctuality was highly priced. But there were no empty parking spots around and the time was running. He looked to the sky and prayed: "Dear God, give me a parking spot now and I will donate 100 thousand to the synagogue!" Suddenly, a car left exactly in front of him. Relieved, the guy looked again at the sky and said: "It's okay, forget it, I got one."
How can a room full of couples be empty?
There isn't a single person left!
Bwahahahahaha
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at the football game the other day...
It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me
I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.
"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.
I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.
"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.
The man replied, "Oh, he's at the f**...!".
During a visit to the mental hospital....
..a visitor asks the Director what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
My boss recently fired me...
So, my boss recently fired me and he sent me an email that read "I did not want to fire you, but I had to. You were slacking on every project I assigned to you and you get too easily distracted. Please stop by and pick up your things, OK? I expect to see that your office is empty by Saturday."
I then realized how much OK resembled a stick-man.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug
to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java.
He hates me.
His cup doth runneth over
Some people think the cup is half full, some think the cup is half empty, I think the cup is an important piece of sporting equipment that doesn't need to have its content measured
A priest walks into a movie theater
...and finds that most of the seats are taken. He looks around for a while, and finally sees an empty seat. The priest asks the man sitting next to the open seat, "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"
The man looks the priest up and down and replies to him, "No, but it's willing to listen."
A man and his wife go to a class reunion.....
A man and his wife go to a class reunion after a grueling 4 hour drive. When they arrive they're given name tags and head to the gymnasium.
They start talking to some friends when the wife is starting to get thirsty. So she asks the husband to go get in line to give her some punch.
He returns after 10 minutes with one empty cup, and when the wife asks about her drink the husband replies,
"Sorry honey, the punchline was too long and it wasn't that good"
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head just robbed a bank.
They run into a barn to hide from the cops chasing them. Each of them jumps into an empty burlap sack when the cops come in.
The cops see the bags so they inspect them. The cops shakes the red head's bag. "Woof woof !" Says the red head. So the cops move on, thinking that it's just the farmer's dog.
The cops shake the brunette's bag. "Meow!" Says the brunette. So the cops move on.
The cops approach the third sack and shake the bag. The blonde yells "potatoes!"
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.
After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.
"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"
"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day,
Teach a man to phish and he'll empty an old woman's savings account.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy goes to a ballgame...
...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the f**...."
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realise it's half empty.
Why is it that the room filled with married people seemed empty?
There wasn't a single person there!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Optimist: "This glass is half full"
Pessimist: "This glass is half empty"
Feminist: "This glass is r**... me"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... is kinda like being in a relationship...
It's amazing at first but when it's over you feel empty inside.
A man asks a blonde how many apples
can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".
The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.
Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?
Friend: Five.
Blonde: Aww shucks. It would have been so much fun if you had said four.
Two beers sitting in a bar
Full beer turns to the empty one and says, "come on, let's go home. You drivin'?"
"can't" the empty one replies, "Im drunk"
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a s**... test.
The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his s**... with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"
I went to a hotel that had continental breakfast
Unfortunately the continent was Africa so all I got was an empty plate
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a space museum today but was a bit disappointed...
It was completely empty! Well, except for the black hole on display, but it s**....
Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?
Because there wasn't a single person there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor's office.
Here , said the nurse, handing her a u**... specimen container. The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all!
I took my son to the space museum last weekend.
They charged us $5.50 to stand in an empty warehouse.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...
They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.
Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes woof! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of dogs, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes meow! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of cats, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the blonde and the blonde goes Potato. Potato.
A Russian spy enters the White House in search of intelligence.
He had to return home empty handed.
I've just ordered an empty cardboard box from Chernobyl.
It was the cheapest microwave I could find.
A lawyer was travelling in an almost empty train.
A lady approaches him and says "Put everything you have in this bag or I'll shout that you are molesting me." The lawyer signals that he is deaf and mute and asks her to write what she just said on a paper. She does so. He smiles and keeps the paper in his bag and says "Now do whatever you want!"
Once upon a time in a bar far far away....
The "Pessimist" saw cups half EMPTY
The "Optimist" saw the cups half FULL
*The woman slapped them both for staring !*
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
A man goes to an asylum and asks
How do you admit your patients? The psychiatrist says Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub . The man replies I see, so the sane person would take the bucket , and the psychiatrist replies No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a balcony sir?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas tip:
Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace
For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...
Optimist Prime.
My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged
She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet
The Last Exam
(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)
A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.
After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.
What chair?
He was the only one to pass the exam.
I asked my wife why there was an empty milk bottle in the fridge?
"In case someone wants a black coffee."
A gang of midget burglars broke into a butchers but fled empty handed.
It seems the steaks were too high.
A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?
Dave: because you're a pessimist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a glass is always half empty kinda guy.
I'm not pessimistic, I'm just a r**... alcoholic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do a p**... and a Empty Lot have in common?
They both say " coming soon ", and they are both lying
I just asked Siri for a wake up call...
She sent a photo of me, surrounded by empty pizza boxes and beer cans.
A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, Pssst… I like your tie.
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
Pssst… that color looks nice on you.
He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
I ordered contact lenses last week and only received an empty box
Apparently it was a contactless delivery
