Empty Jokes
176 empty jokes and hilarious empty puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about empty that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the concept of "empty jokes" and the void that could come with them. It examines the phenomenon of empty jokes from the perspective of an empty glass, empty wallet, empty nest, and an empty gas tank. Through this, it seeks to answer the question of how we can use such emptyness as a means of making a joke. It provides insight into the depths of our internal void and how this could be used to create a funny moment.
Quick Jump To
- Short Empty Jokes
- Empty One Liners
- Empty Glass Jokes
- Glass Half Empty Jokes
- Empty Seats Jokes
- Empty Stomach Jokes
- More Empty Jokes
Funniest Empty Short Jokes
Short empty jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The empty humour may include short blank jokes also.
- I asked my wife So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty? And you know what she said? Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!
- We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one? I said, Why would I want two empty glasses?
- An optimist says, the glass is half full. A pessimist says, the glass is half empty. An optometrist says, you both need glasses.
- Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full? Applicant: It's completely full.
Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory. - What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy? An empty toilet paper roll.
- How can a room full of married people be empty? Because there's not a single person there.
- I just went to the Air & Space museum. Man do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.
- Riddle: A King has 3 cups in front of him. The first two cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name?? King Philip III
- Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty? Me : It's because you're a pessimist.
- So I broke my waterproof speaker, by throwing it into a pool. I filed a request for a new speaker, but the company responded "it's not our fault the pool was empty".
Share These Empty Jokes With Friends
Empty One Liners
Which empty one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with empty? I can suggest the ones about unfinished and void.
- To the guy that found my empty wallet... I don't know how to repay you.
- Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
- Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa? Because it can't be taken on empty stomach
- What do me and my fridge have in common? Were both empty inside and weigh a tonne
- I bought a DVD on dealing with disappointment. When I opened it, the box was empty.
- How are cats like empty wine bottles? I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.
- What do you call a semi truck with it's load half empty? Pessimist Prime
- Optimist: Glass half full Pessimist : Glass half empty
Engineer: Glass is too tall. - What do you find in an empty nose? Fingerprints.
- An empty water bottle walks into a bar... The bartender says, Go home. You're drunk.
- I went to the Air and Space Museum It wasn't as empty as I thought it'd be.
- What do you get when you empty the Smithsonian? The Air and Space museum.
- The gun fight between the turtles and tortoise was barbaric! Empty shells everywhere.
- How is a Stormtrooper like an empty church? Both of their Pews are missing people
- What is empty and spins round and round? A Malaysian Airlines baggage claim.
Empty Glass Jokes
Here is a list of funny empty glass jokes and even better empty glass puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Pessimist: The glass is half empty... Optimist: The glass is half full
Journalist: You won't BELIEVE what's in this glass! - Optimist: "This glass is half-full." Pessimist: "This glass is half-empty." EA Employee: "Download the next half for $9.99!"
- A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.
- Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says... ... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
- A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty, an optimist thinks it is half full... An engineer thinks the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
- The Glass Happy person: The glass is half full
Depressed person: The glass is half empty
The Engineer: The glass is twice as big as necessary. - An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is half empty... ... an engineer just points out that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
- Engineers' view about a glass of water! To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. - Perspective The optimist says "The glass is half full."
The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."
The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present." - A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says the glass is half full. The engineer says the glass is too big.
Glass Half Empty Jokes
Here is a list of funny glass half empty jokes and even better glass half empty puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm a pessimist and an optimist, So when I see a glass half empty I pour it into a smaller glass.
- What did the full glass say to the half empty glass? You look drunk.
- There are three kinds of people... The ones who say the glass is half full,
The ones who say the glass is half empty,
And the one who thinks you should have gotten a smaller glass. - The pessimist in me says 'the glass is half empty'... The optimist in me says 'at least it's whiskey'.
- Glass half full Optimist thinks the glass is 1/2 full.
Pessimist thinks the glass is 1/2 empty.
Excel knows the glass is February the 1st. - There are 3 types of people Them: "the glass is half full"
Others: "the glass is half empty"
Me: "they didn't get my order right" - They say an optimist will see a glass as half full, while a pessimist will see it as half empty. Speaking as an alcoholic it's panic stations either way for me.
- I'm an optimistic pessimist... I see the glass as half empty, but there are free refills
- Engineers To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, some idiots used a glass that's twice as big than necessary. - Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty... Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
Empty Seats Jokes
Here is a list of funny empty seats jokes and even better empty seats puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Bus conductor : The older one should sit here
Both looked at each other
And the seat remained empty :p - Mixed emotions: watching a bus full of lawyers plunge off a cliff... ... with five empty seats.
- What's an empty old suit of armor doing in a driver seat of an empty car? Maybe he went out for the knight.
- I don't believe in Bigfoot Because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my school recitals and always saw that one empty seat.
- Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff.
The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News: There were three empty seats. - Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Empty Stomach Jokes
Here is a list of funny empty stomach jokes and even better empty stomach puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why is it that there's no pharmacies in Africa? Because you shouldn't take medicine on an empty stomach.
- The stomach is smarter than the brain. Because the stomach warns you when it is empty, the brain does not.
- Why are there no pharmacies in Africa? Because it's not recommended to take medecine on an empty stomach.
- Why there were no pharmacies in USSR? Because you can't take pills on an empty stomach
- I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
- So, a happy Muslim on an empty stomach enters a gay bar............. Bartender asks, "What will it be!?"
The Muslim replies, "Shots for everyone!" - Why is it bad to write on an empty stomach? Paper works better.
- Why can't ethiopians take med pills? Cause they can't take 'em with empty stomach.
- Why are there no pharmacies in Africa? Because you can't take meds on an empty stomach!
- My grandma could never muster up enough force with her hands to open items in a jar She suffocated to death on an empty stomach :/
Gather Around for Heartwarming Empty Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about empty you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean neutral jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make empty pranks.
I was at a football game. Sold out stadium, but the guy next to me had an empty seat next to himself...
...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the f**..."
It's a miracle!
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Helpful Daughter
Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."
"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."
That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.
Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."
s**... Bank
At a s**... bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk.
"Sir.. this is a s**... bank.." says the lady.
"I know. Get out three bottles of s**..." he commanded.
So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen s**....
"Drink it." says the man.
So she wincingly swallows each gulp until they're all empty. Disgusted she takes a look at the man as he takes off his ski mask and pockets his gun.
"See honey? It's not that hard."
Half full, Half empty.
Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.
Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,
While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.
Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.
Neutralists decline to comment.
A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician...
...is sitting at a café watching the building across the road. They see one person entering the main door, and soon after, two persons leaving the building.
"Ah! They must have reproduced in there!" says the biologist.
"Nah, there must have been some error in our first measurement" says the physicist.
"If one person enters now", says the mathematician, "the building will be empty!".
Anyone there?
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello! We're down here..."
Man walks into Bar with a Dog ...
Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.
He & his Dog empty the Glasses.
Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks - Can your Dog perform any other tricks?
Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.
Girl is too curious.. Deciding that she'll test the dog, she undresses and lies in full expectation.
Dog looks at her and does nothing....
Man to Dog: It's always the same with you, now this is the last time I am showing you how to do it..
A Chemist, a Biologist, and a Mathematician are all sitting at an outdoor cafe...
A chemist, a biologist, and a mathematician are all sitting at an outdoor cafe. Across the street is an old, abandoned house. As they sit, they watch two people go into the house. A short while later, three come out.
The chemist says: "the measurements were wrong."
The biologist says: "they reproduced."
The mathematician says "if one more person goes in, the house will be empty again!"
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
A question for your doctor
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
A Chemist, a Biologist, and a Mathematician...
Were sitting on a bench in front of a hotel, and see two people enter, then three people exit. The Chemist claims that they must have been an error in the initial measurements, the biologist says they must have procreated, thus creating another person, the mathematician states that if one more person enters the building, the building would then be empty.
A blind man walks into a bar...
...and after managing to find himself an empty seat at the bar he orders a pint.
Bartender fills the pint and as it is being placed in front of the blind man says, "hey Bartender, wanna hear a dumb blonde girl joke?"
Bar goes silent.
"Hey man," the Bartender says, "you're blind so there is a few things you should know before you tell your joke. You are in a d**... bar, the only one in town actually, and many of us are blonde. I am blonde. Sid the biker chick next to you is blonde and so is her girlfriend. The bouncer is also blonde along with the 2 chicks behind you playing pool. Do you really want to tell that joke?"
"Nah, you're right." says the blind man, "I would have to explain it too many times."
The difference perspective has on optimism and pessimism
After downing half of his glass of milk, my ten year old son declared, "*I am an optimist: 'The glass is half empty!'*..."
"*Looking at the glass as half empty is a sign of pessimism son,*" I said.
He smiled and corrected me: "*Not if you don't like what's in it!*"
The Super Bowl
Surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl, a diehard fan remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby.
"It was my husband's," the woman explained, "but he died."
"I'm very sorry," said the man. "Yet I'm really surprised that another relative, or friend, didnt jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him."
"Beats me," she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
A man is watching a world cup final in a sold out stadium
He notices an empty seat just in front of his and says to the guy sitting next to it, "Hey man, how come this seat here's empty? Tickets for this game havee been sold out for months!"
"Well, the seat was meant for my wife, but sadly, she passed away"
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend or relative to come along instead?"
"Nah, they're all at the f**...."
There was a Jewish businessman
There was a Jewish businessman who was almost late at an important business meeting where punctuality was highly priced. But there were no empty parking spots around and the time was running. He looked to the sky and prayed: "Dear God, give me a parking spot now and I will donate 100 thousand to the synagogue!" Suddenly, a car left exactly in front of him. Relieved, the guy looked again at the sky and said: "It's okay, forget it, I got one."
How can a room full of couples be empty?
There isn't a single person left!
Bwahahahahaha
Priest DUI
So a priest is driving along, swerving a bit and gets pulled over, the officer asks him 'have you had anything to drink tonight father' to which the priest replies 'only water' the officer then points out a empty bottle of wine in the passenger seat, the priest then shouts 'Jesus Christ! He's done it again!'
I was at the football game the other day...
It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me
I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.
"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.
I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.
"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.
The man replied, "Oh, he's at the f**...!".
During a visit to the mental hospital....
..a visitor asks the Director what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
My boss recently fired me...
So, my boss recently fired me and he sent me an email that read "I did not want to fire you, but I had to. You were slacking on every project I assigned to you and you get too easily distracted. Please stop by and pick up your things, OK? I expect to see that your office is empty by Saturday."
I then realized how much OK resembled a stick-man.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug
to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed java.
He hates me.
His cup doth runneth over
Some people think the cup is half full, some think the cup is half empty, I think the cup is an important piece of sporting equipment that doesn't need to have its content measured
A priest walks into a movie theater
...and finds that most of the seats are taken. He looks around for a while, and finally sees an empty seat. The priest asks the man sitting next to the open seat, "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"
The man looks the priest up and down and replies to him, "No, but it's willing to listen."
A man and his wife go to a class reunion.....
A man and his wife go to a class reunion after a grueling 4 hour drive. When they arrive they're given name tags and head to the gymnasium.
They start talking to some friends when the wife is starting to get thirsty. So she asks the husband to go get in line to give her some punch.
He returns after 10 minutes with one empty cup, and when the wife asks about her drink the husband replies,
"Sorry honey, the punchline was too long and it wasn't that good"
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head just robbed a bank.
They run into a barn to hide from the cops chasing them. Each of them jumps into an empty burlap sack when the cops come in.
The cops see the bags so they inspect them. The cops shakes the red head's bag. "Woof woof !" Says the red head. So the cops move on, thinking that it's just the farmer's dog.
The cops shake the brunette's bag. "Meow!" Says the brunette. So the cops move on.
The cops approach the third sack and shake the bag. The blonde yells "potatoes!"
Here's one from Russia
A guy is late for an important meeting but can't find a place to park.
In desperation, he begins to pray.
"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink v**... again!"
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
"Never mind. Found one!"
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.
After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.
"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"
"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day,
Teach a man to phish and he'll empty an old woman's savings account.
A state trooper pulls over a priest
A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Guy goes to a ballgame...
...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the f**...."
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realise it's half empty.
Optimist: "This glass is half full"
Pessimist: "This glass is half empty"
Feminist: "This glass is r**... me"
A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were monitoring a house...
They saw one person walk in, but several months later they saw two walk out.
The biologist said: "They must've reproduced!"
The physicist said: "It must be a calculation error"
The mathematician said: "If one more walks in, the house will be empty"
p**... is kinda like being in a relationship...
It's amazing at first but when it's over you feel empty inside.
A man asks a blonde how many apples
can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".
The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.
Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?
Friend: Five.
Blonde: Aww shucks. It would have been so much fun if you had said four.
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a s**... test.
The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his s**... with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"
I went to a hotel that had continental breakfast
Unfortunately the continent was Africa so all I got was an empty plate
At a job interview, I sat down at at the table and in front of me was a pitcher of water and an empty cup. I poured too much and the cup started to overflow.
"Nervous?" The interviewer asked me.
"No," I responded, "I always give 110%"
An Irish man frees a genie
and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.
The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."
So *p**...* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.
"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"
"I want two more of these, then!"
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor's office.
Here , said the nurse, handing her a u**... specimen container. The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all!
A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.
Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?
"They're all at the f**...."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...
They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.
Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes woof! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of dogs, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes meow! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of cats, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the blonde and the blonde goes Potato. Potato.
I've just ordered an empty cardboard box from Chernobyl.
It was the cheapest microwave I could find.
Once upon a time in a bar far far away....
The "Pessimist" saw cups half EMPTY
The "Optimist" saw the cups half FULL
*The woman slapped them both for staring !*
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
A man goes to an asylum and asks
How do you admit your patients? The psychiatrist says Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub . The man replies I see, so the sane person would take the bucket , and the psychiatrist replies No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a balcony sir?
Christmas tip:
Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace
For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...
Optimist Prime.
My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged
She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet
A gang of midget burglars broke into a butchers but fled empty handed.
It seems the steaks were too high.
A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.
"Make sure your dorsal fin is above the water and swim toward them *really fast*, then veer away at the last moment. Do that a few times, and then go back and eat them."
"But why not just come up from below and eat them right away?"
"Well, they taste a lot better if you *empty* 'em first."
A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, Pssst… I like your tie.
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
Pssst… that color looks nice on you.
He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and asks the bartender: "Can I have 8 beer please?"
The man gets his 8 beers, he starts to drink and doesn't stop untill all 8 glasses are empty.
Now he asks: "Can I please have 6 more beers?"
The man gets his 6 beers, he starts to drink and doesn't stop untill all 6 glasses are empty.
He looks at the bartender and asks: "Can I please have 3 more?"
The man gets his 3 beers, he starts to drink and doesn't stop untill all 3 glasses are empty.
The man frowns and says: "I don't get it... The less I drink, the more drunk I get..."
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.
The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."
The mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, the house will be empty."
Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?
Their weapons were at a staff meeting.
Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.
