empties Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious empties puns

A man stumbles out of the bar...

A near by cop patiently waits and watches as the man fumbles in his pockets and drops his keys. The man proceeds to spend 5 minutes trying to unlock the door, another 10 turning on and off the headlights, a few more turning the window wipers on and off. About an hour passes and the lot empties. When the man is the last car, he starts the engine and starts down the road.

The officer pulls him over and to his surprise the man is completely sober. The officer asks "What the hell were you doing then?" To this the man replies, "Oh well, I was the designated distraction".

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A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door. As she opens the door the salesman quickly runs inside and empties a bag full of poop on her expensive carpet.

Woman, shocked and angered, shouts "what the hell are you doing to my carpet?!?". The salesman replies "Ma'am, this is not just any ordinary vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleaner has been engineered by top German scientists in their super high tech labs. If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up your carpet down to every single strand, I will eat all of this poop, right here right now!!"

Woman looks at the confident salesman "Would you like hot sauce or barbecue sauce?"

Salesman, bewildered, asks "Why?!?"

"because, the powers out."

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Witch Doctor

(If this joke offends you, I'm sorry. There's the door.)

So this guy walks into a bar and orders two beers. He downs one and empties the other into his pocket. He orders a second round and does the same thing.

After a couple more rounds of this the bartender gets kinda worried and says to the man "You know, it's your money and your beer, so who am I to say what you can and can't do with it... I'd just hate to think you're making a mess I'll have to clean up."

The man looks at him and says "Not to worry, I have an eight inch man
In my pocket drinking all those beers."

Incredulous, the bartender say that's impossible. So the man reaches in his pocket and pulls out an eight inch tall man who he sets on the bar. He walks around a bit and the bartender hands him another beer which he begins to drink.

Turning back to the regular sized man, the bartender asks "does he talk?"

The man laughs and says "Sure he talks! Hey, Kevin, tell him about the time you called that witch doctor a stupid nigger."

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What fish?

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."

The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

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What's the difference between an Nvidia card and an AMD card?

One empties your pocket.
The other makes Hot Pockets.

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A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

Game warden: "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

"But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket."

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."

The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: "So where are the fish?"

Fisherman: "What fish?"

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Why does Santa have such a large sack?

He only empties it once a year

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So this man walks into a bar

And sits down alone, and orders a drink. He empties his glass and the bartender leans over and asks if he would like another. The man opens his wallet and looks at the small photo displayed in the clear sleeve, and after a moment he puts it down and accepts the bartenders offer. This goes on throughout the evening and after his fourth drink he orders one more. The bartender leans to him and says "alright sir, I'll give you another, on the condition that you tell me what that photo is of". The man smirks to himself and says "well, it's a photo of my wife. I always bring it with me when I drink. I know it's time to go home when she starts lookin good"

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The frigid woman and the lion

There is a competition between a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian to determine which country is manliest. They must accomplish two tasks: give an orgasm to a frigid woman, and remove a tooth from the mouth of a lion.

The Frenchman satisfies the woman, gets killed by the a lion. The Englishman bravely fights the lion and gets a tooth, but leaves the woman disappointed.

The Russian empties a bottle of vodka and goes into the lion's cage. A lot of cries and roars are heard, and he comes back all bloodied, but alive and says: Done! Where's the woman whose tooth I have to take out?

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A man walks into a bar

He walks up to the bartender and asks for 8 shots of Lagavulin.

Bartender lines up the glasses, and as soon as one is filled the man empties it.

The bartender says "Hey this is good scotch, you might want to take a second to enjoy it, yeah?"

"Eh. You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I have."

"I'm sorry to hear that. What's it that you've got?"

"25 cents"

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The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A door to door vacuum salesman visits a house. When he proposes a deal the woman tells him to take a hike.

Without giving her a second chance the man empties a bucket of cow dung onto to carpet and says "If the vacuum cleaner doesn't suck all of this up then I will eat the rest myself"

The woman goes to the kitchen and returns with a bowl of sugar and throws it over the cow dung and says:
"Start eating so long, we don't have electricity on the farm"

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A woman asks a man what his job is

The man tells her that he empties dishwashers for a living
"So you're like a maid?" The woman asks
"No" says the man "I'm a midwife"

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What do you call a starship captain who empties space septic tanks?

William Shartner.

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How is it Santa never loses focus making toys nonstop?

He only empties his sack once a year....

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What are the most funny Empties jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Empties? Well, here are the best Empties dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Empties pick up lines to share with friends.

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