Employee Jokes
137 employee jokes and hilarious employee puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about employee that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your workplace the laughing stock with these employee jokes! From employee appreciation day to counter jokes and roast jokes, you can use these jokes to lighten up your workforce and appreciate your colleagues. Add to the fun with employee leaving speeches and employee salary benefits jokes and make work feel like a party!
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Funniest Employee Short Jokes
Short employee jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The employee humour may include short employer jokes also.
- I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help? I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
- A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking." - After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!" - Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter? Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.
Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds! - Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer? She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself
- Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
- A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.
Man: I'm here to find out about the mortgage
Employee: I don't really care. - A small joke I remembered Boss: if I find you sleeping on the job one more time, you're fired!
Employee: sorry boss
Boss: ok, now go and do the sheep inventory
Employee: oh no - My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
- Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break? He got fired for sleeping on the job.
Share These Employee Jokes With Friends
Employee One Liners
Which employee one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with employee? I can suggest the ones about worker and staff.
- Elon is firing twitter employees with bad posture I have a hunch I might be next.
- Why was the Pepsi employee fired? He tested positive for coke.
- What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job? A dream Team.
- A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee, And says, "So, tell me about myself."
- Why do children in China all have iPhones and wear Nike? Employee discounts
- How many buzzfeed employees does it take to screw a lightbulb? Click here to find out!
- Why is a pirate a marketing-employee? Because he works'n'sail
- Why do most employees get sick on work days? Because of their weekend immune system.
- What do Islamic mcdonalds employees wear?
A cheeseburka - The scarecrow won employee of the month again... He's outstanding in his field.
- Why were Apple employees always happy? Because they had Jobs
- What did Microsoft employees say to Bill Gates after his motivational speech? Word.
- What is an audiologist ? Employee of the 'ear.
- I identify as an employee wherever I go. Now I can use any bathroom I need to.
- I heard the employee healthcare plan for Apple is awful It only covers iDoctors
Employee Boss Jokes
Here is a list of funny employee boss jokes and even better employee boss puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Boss shows up at a job site Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"
Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find." - How to ask for a raise Employee: Sir, I really need a salary increment, 4 companies are after me.
Boss: Which 4?
Employee: Electricity, Gas, Cable, Credit Card. - My wife wanted to role-play.. ..she was my boss and I was her employee, so I called in sick.
- An employee was drinking on the job His boss saw him and said Hey you can't be drinking while you are working!
The employee said but I'm not working
They both laughed and then he got fired. - The boss to the employees: "You came two hours late to work, do you have an explanation for it?" "Yes, I become a mother."
"Congratulations, when's the baby due?"
"In 9 months." - My boss told us that a customer complained about an employee with bad posture. I have hunch it was me.
- Why did the employee's paycheck smell like parsley? Their boss had garnished their wages
- boss-employee Boss to Employee : What are you doing today?
Employee : Nothing.
Boss : But yesterday also you did nothing.
Employee : Yeah, but I could not finish it yesterday - A frustrated boss is talking with a mediocre employee. He asks, "Are you dumb or just apathetic?" The employee responds "I don't know, and I don't care."
- So I ruined the employee barbecue yesterday. My boss wouldn't stop grilling me about it.
Boss And Employee Jokes
Here is a list of funny boss and employee jokes and even better boss and employee puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime - What did the Australian boss say to his lazy employee? Didgeridoo those papers I asked for?
- After years of being the company's best employee I finally decided to ask my boss for a raise.. When I came into work the next day I noticed my computer chair was replaced by a bar stool
- BOSS: This team isn't performing, hire someone with a good track record... [2 wks later]
ME: I'd like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt - Boss: Take this broom and go sweep the hallways! Employee: But I'm a college graduate!
Boss: Great! Then I should only have to explain this just once. - Best Boss to Employee Convo Boss: Have you typed the paper I needed yet?
Employee: I'm sorry, I don't know how to type paper.
Boss: I'll help you, but the paper might be pink. - [OC] WHAT DID THE OPENING SHIFT EMPLOYEE SAY TO THE BOSS WHEN HE COULDN'T GET INSIDE THE HAT STORE? SORRY MY CAPS KEY IS BROKEN.
- What's the hardest part of being a boss at Game Stop? All your employees trying to jump on your head
- Why does the boss put clocks under employee's desk? Because he wanted them to work over-time~
- We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, "Assembly required."
Boss Employee Jokes
Here is a list of funny boss employee jokes and even better boss employee puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Drug test. Boss: We're going to do a drug test.
Employee: Okay, what kind of drugs are we testing?
Employee Fired Jokes
Here is a list of funny employee fired jokes and even better employee fired puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why are there ornamental cannons on the state house lawns? They are a monument to the state employees. They don't work and are impossible to fire.
- Today morgue employee got cremated by mistake while taking a nap... I guess two people got fired that day!
- Did you hear about the Pepsi employee that got fired? Turns out they found coke in his system and fired him on the spot.
- Google fired an employee who claimed their technology was sentient. Which is sad, because he was Chrome's only friend.
- Why was the employee fired from M&M's? He kept throwing away the 3s, Ws and Es.
- Did you hear about the grocery store employee who poured a bunch of spices into his pockets? They fired him for thyme theft
- Guns are like bad employees Best when fired.
- If Emblem were a bad employee... Would you Fire Emblem?
- Ordered a sandwich.. And I asked for a liberal amount of bacon. The employee cried, set the sandwich on fire, then went outside to protest.
I need to learn to be careful using the word liberal. - Did you hear about the gym employee that got fired? He didn't work out.
Employee Training Jokes
Here is a list of funny employee training jokes and even better employee training puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How did the train employee survive electrocution? He was a good conductor.
I came with this one up myself and I'm looking for feedback. - All employees at the local cheese factory are trained for if the cheese melter breaks.. ..They're trained for the worst queso-nario.
- What do employees do on their first day of work at the subway? Training
Great Employee Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about employee you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean member jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make employee pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Milk
Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier
s**... bank employee: What glass of milk
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
s**... bank employee: Oh no
Me: What
s**... bank employee: You drank my glass of milk
Lady barges into radio shack
She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:
"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"
The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.
She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"
The half-wit
A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or j**... and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well, you'd better j**.... I've got a headache."
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
Me and a friend..
Walk into a pet store and the employee asks "Anything that I can help you find?" and then proceeded to kick us out. apparently dinner wasn't the right answer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.
(TKZS = a state-run c**... collective farm.)
A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."
The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"
„Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.
They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"
„She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says „Oink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.
„Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!
Boss says „Don't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man walks into a ladies clothing store...
"I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves, but I don't know what size her hands are."
The beautiful young employee presses her hands into his and says, "I'm a 'small'. Does that help?"
"Oh yeah," he says. "You're hands are the exact same size as hers."
"Do you need anything else?" the young girl asks him.
"Now that you mention it, she also needs a bra and p**...."
Last night my black colleague.......
Last night my black colleague walked away with the 'Employee of the year' award.
Luckily security stopped him at the door.
Horror at the zoo
A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says
*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*
The man responds, *What happened?*
*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*
The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.
Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg r**... and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...
and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."
A man owned a small farm
A man owned a small farm near Maddock. The North Dakota Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my field hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I go into town and buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer sadly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was arrested for having s**... inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.
Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.
I was at my local home improvement store yesterday
And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded "No thanks, I'm just window shopping."
Al Sharpton goes to Best Buy
Al Sharpton heads into best buy and is browsing the appliance section. He calls over a young white male employee.
Al: Hey young man, I'd like to register a complaint.
Best Buy Guy: What seems to be the issue sir?
Al: Well you see son, all of these washers are white! This is outrageous!
Best Buy Guy: (opens the lid and points inside the machine) Well if you look inside sir, you'll see that all the agitators are black.
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-ack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"
The waitress leaned over the counter and says, "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttooonnns"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Compliment of a HOT Secretary...
Secretary to her Boss: I want to complain of an employee here in our office.
Boss: What happened?
Secretary: Whenever we cross each other, he says that my hair smell too good.
Boss: That's just a compliment.
Secretary: It's not, he is a midget.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Life after death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's f**..., she stopped in to see you."
Do you know why you should never hire a communist employee?
Because they only work in theory
Psychic buys clothing
Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small
Employee: You didn't even try it on
Psychic: I'm a medium
An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.
After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.
"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"
"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."
The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season.
The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An employee and her boss are having s**....
Boss: Do you want to change positions?
Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager?
A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.
She goes inside to inquire:
Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.
Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.
Optimist: "This glass is half-full." Pessimist: "This glass is half-empty."
EA Employee: "Download the next half for $9.99!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…
Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.
Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or j**...."
Jill replies, "You'll have to j**... then, 'cause I've got a headache."
My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card."
He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Valve employees does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two. Two to hold a ladder and one to screw it in.
Whats that? Three you say? They can't count that high.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It says "Employees Must Wash Hands" in the bathroom.
I must have stood in there for forty god d**... minutes and nobody came in to wash my hands.
Overheard in line for a movie...
Theater employee: "That's an R-rated movie. When's your birthday?"
Teenage boy: "October 12th."
Employee: "What year?"
Boy: "Every year."
How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]
I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.
When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder
Went to go see Black Panther today
And the employee at the concession stand asked wakanda snacks i wanted
Why don't government employees look out of the window in the morning?
So they have something to do in the afternoon!
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn't find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?
The produce guy looked at me and said, No. You'll have to do that yourself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." p**...! He's back in his government office.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Employee of the month
When my boss asked me who is the s**... one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire s**... people.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because this s**... parrot keeps reposting c**... jokes" said the pet store employee.
What's Alabama like?
My new company owner is from there. Seems friendly, he said he's going to treat us employees like we was family?
Where are we?
Not mine:
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.
The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss Wow that's an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!
The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...
The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says yes...
The boss looks into the employees eyes and says then maybe... I'll have another one next year.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.
Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you or j**.... Without batting an eye she responded "you better j**..., I have a terrible headache."
How many Buzzfeed employees does it take to operate an electric chair?
10, but 4 will shock you.
Concerned when one of his most reliable workers doesn't show up, the boss calls the employee's home.
The phone is answered by a giggling child.
"Is your dad home?" the boss asks.
"Yes."
"May I speak to him?"
"No."
"Well can I speak to your mom?"
"No, she's with the policeman."
Alarmed, the boss says, "Gosh. Well then, may I speak with the policeman?"
"No. He's busy talking to the man in the helicopter that's bringing in the search team."
"My Lord!" says the boss, now really worried. "What are they searching for?"
"Me." the kid chortles.
After five months on the job, a new employee believes he deserves a huge raise and decides to ask his boss.
And how much of a raise do you want? asks his boss.
I'm thinking an extra $10,000 a year, says the employee.
The boss nods. Sounds about right. And what would you say to a package of ten weeks vacation, 20 paid holidays, and a company car leased every two years, say, a silver Cadillac?
The employee sits up straight. Wow! he says. Are you kidding?
* Yes, but you started it. *
A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren't sick.
He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.
Wow said someone in the back. Imagine the score he could've gotten if he wasn't sick
A man's printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.
A friendly young man informed him, Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.
Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?
Actually, it was my boss's idea, said the young employee. He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!
At a corporate party…
The director of HR stood up and said If anyone has any comments or anything they'd like to say please come up to the microphone
An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room. Everyone covered their ears as he held it there. He then turned it away and handed it back to the HR director. To which the HR director said…
Thank you for your feedback.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**
When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.
"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.
Whispers the man, "Three million."
"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."
When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.
I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.
The sign said Employees must wash hands
But I waited a long time and no employees showed up so eventually I washed my own hands.
My final work dad joke
I always include a dad joke on the schedule for my employees (which this sub helps out with when I can't think of one, thank you). Next Friday is my last day, and this is the last schedule I'm sending to them. We work in a bookstore, and my final, cringe inducing joke to them is:
After careful consideration, I've decided to leave my job at the bookstore.
_It's time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life_
Pretty bad even by my standards, but it felt right.
A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,
I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"
"In 3 months," the employee replies.
Not to brag, but made six figures this year
They named me the worst employee at the toy factory
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Employee comes back from a business trip to Brazil
Boss: How was your trip?
Employee: It was fine but I don't like Brazil. The whole country is nothing but soccer players and h**....
Boss: You do know that my wife is Brazilian, right?
Employee (flushing): Oh really? Which team does she play for?
Did you hear that McDonald's is implanting all of its employees with technology that gives them all a common hive mind?
They're calling themselves the Burg.
