employee Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious employee stories

What are the best Employee puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Employee? Well here is a complete list of Employee dad jokes:


Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: Oh no

Me: What

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk


I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help?

I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.


I need you to masturbate.

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?

Boss : Do it once more.

Employee : I'm really sorry sir, but I don't have any stamina left now. I can't do it anymore.

Boss : Very good, here are my car
keys, drop my daughter home.


A woman is playing golf...

... when she gets stung by a bee. She goes into the clubhouse and tells an employee what has happened:

Woman: "Hello, I was stung by a bee."

Man: "Where were you stung?"

Woman: "Between the first hole and the second hole."

Man: "Your stance is too wide."


Boss's daughter!

Employee: Sir, you called me?

Boss: Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee, after few minutes: Done sir.

Boss: Do it again.

Employee: Done again, sir.

Boss: Do it once more.

Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.

Boss: Very good, here are my keys, drop my daughter at home.


A man runs into a sperm bank..

Mask on, gun out, he rushes up to the employee behind the counter puts the gun in her face and yells, "Give me all your money!!"

The woman replies, "But Sir, this is a sperm bank..."

The man yells, "Fuck! What's in that container?"

"A sperm sample..."


The woman complies and drinks the sample.

"How does it taste??" yells the man.


"How does it taste!?"

"It's not that bad," replies the woman.

The robber lifts his mask to reveal that it is her husband and says, "See??"


An employee texts his boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?" (Slightly nsfw)

His boss answers "I don't know."

The employee replies "I'm not coming in this morning!"


A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill...

...with a touch of laryngitis - but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn't want him to do any physical labor - as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?"

The worker is glad for the easy day. He stops the first vehicle: "Sir," he whispers, his throat feeling worse, "please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead."

"Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake them."


Customer Support

A foreign man applied for a job as an outsourced customer support representative. At the end of his interview, the company hiring him was very impressed.

"Well Mujibar, we really think you'd make a great employee, we just have one more test for you to pass the interview. We need you to use the words 'green,' 'pink,' and 'yellow' all in the same sentence.

He thought for a moment, and in a thick foreign accent he said "The phone goes 'green, green,' and I pink it up and say 'Yellow, this is Mujibar, how may I help you today?'"


A young man walks into a ladies clothing store...

"I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves, but I don't know what size her hands are."

The beautiful young employee presses her hands into his and says, "I'm a 'small'. Does that help?"

"Oh yeah," he says. "You're hands are the exact same size as hers."

"Do you need anything else?" the young girl asks him.

"Now that you mention it, she also needs a bra and panties."


Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says

*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*

The man responds, *What happened?*

*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*

The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*


Lady barges into radio shack

She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:

"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"

The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.

She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"


My dick was in the Guinness's book of world records

Up until the employee of the book store threw me out.

Credit to some Israeli guy for the joke.


Me and a friend..

Walk into a pet store and the employee asks "Anything that I can help you find?" and then proceeded to kick us out. apparently dinner wasn't the right answer.


A blonde goes to buy a TV.

So, a blonde goes to a mega store to buy a TV, she goes in and she asks an employee for opinions:

Her: "Excuse me, what do you think of that TV?"

Employee: "Sorry madam, we don't sell to blonde women"

She gets furious, goes back home, puts on a hat and a fancy dress and comes back:

Her: "Excuse me fine gentleman, what might one think of this Television?"

Employee: "Sorry madam, we don't sell to blonde women"

She gets even more furious, goes back, dye her hair black and comes back to the store:

Her: "Excuse me sir, what do you think of that TV?"

Employee: "Sorry madam, we don't sell to blonde women."

She goes back, put on a cap on backwards, put on a fake beard, hide her boobs and a baggy jeans and a long t-shirt and comes back:

Her: "Ayyo, dude, what's up with this TV? Is it the shit?"

Employee: "Sorry madam, we don't sell to blonde women."

She flips her shit and ask "How the hell do you keep knowing that I'm a blonde woman?"

:"Because that's a fucking *microwave*.


A Blonde Goes Into A Hardware Store

A Blonde is doing some home improvement work and needs to replace a door. However, she needs two hinges and only has one. She goes down to the massive home improvement store to purchase the second one.

She finds an employee, who helps her find the hinge she needs. The employee decides to be helpful and asks "Maam, do you want a screw for that hinge?"

The blonde answers: "No, but I'll give you a blowjob for that toaster."


A simple operation

A patient is caught running down the hospital halls before his operation by an employee.

"What's the matter?" the employee asked.

The man said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's going to be a very simple operation, don't worry, it will be fine.'"

"Well what's the matter? She was just trying to comfort you." the employee said.

The man replied, "She wasn't talking to me, she was talking to the doctor."



An old woman mistook me for an employee at the supermarket.

She asked, "how much does just one AA battery cost?"

I had one in my pocket, but it was dead. I handed it over and said, "Here, no charge."


A blonde joke

A blonde goes to the store to return her TV she just bought. She takes it to the customer service desk and tells the employee that her TV is defective and would like to return it for a working model.
The employee looks at her and says "I'm sorry but we do not serve blondes".
The lady comes back to the next day wearing a brown wig and attempts to return her TV. The salesman looks at her and says "I'm sorry but we don't serve blondes here."
The Lady comes back again the next day with a black wig and attempts to return her TV. The salesman says the same thing "I'm sorry but we do not serve blondes here."
Confused, the lady asks how the salesman knew she was a blonde with the wig.
The salesman replies "This is a microwave".


A guy has a wasps nest in his garage

He goes to the hardware store and finds a can of spray that says it's for hornets, so he finds an employee just to check if it'll work on wasps.

"Excuse me, is this spray good for wasps?"

"No sir, it kills them."


At the end of a job interview, the employer asks the future employee

"So, do you have any questions regarding the company ?"
"How many people are working here ?" "well, i hope that at least half of them are."


A man has called in sick, three days in a row

His boss, concerned about his employee's condition decides to visit.

When he approaches the door to his employee's home he hears groaning and sounds of someone in pain. Worried about his employee's health, the boss knocks and doesn't get an answer.

He decides to kick the door in and rushes to the sounds, finding the employee screwing a woman doggy style.

"You're not sick!", the boss yells at him.

The employee responds, "No you don't understand, I am sick! This is my mother!"


So my employee had to ask me a serious question the other day....

An employee of mine came to my office the other day with a worried look on his face.

"Can I ask you a serious question?"

I say, "Sure thing, what's up?

He asks, "If you ever went camping and woke up with a sore ass and a used condom beside you, would you tell anyone?"

I say, "What? No! Never"

He says, "We should go camping together."


Apple employee pick-up lines.

"Are you a play button? Because I'd zero-length swipe that."


Two Vampires wal into a bar.

Two vampires walk into a bar. They both sit at a table and wait for employee to come. Once the employee comes one of the vampires asks for a glass of blood, while the other asks for hot water.
When the employee delivers the orders to the table he couldn't avoid to ask:
- Why would a vampire drink hot water?
The vampire, slowly goes into his pocket and brings out a used tampon and says:
- I prefer tea sir...



New job

Manager: 'It says on your CV that you value punctuality and take pride in your appearance. It's your second day here and you've arrive 2 hours late and your shirt's creased. Honestly you look like shit"

Employee: 'Yes, well... on the job advert it says that the job is an exciting opportunity to work in a vibrant environment and that there would be a competitive salary. It's as exciting as watching paint dry, everyone else here is practically dead, and you pay us all peanuts. I'm not the only one in this room selling shit as gold'


A guy finds a crocodile in his backyard...

So he calls up an animal control center and asks, "I found a crocodile in my yard and I managed to get it in my truck...what should I do with it?" So the person from the animal control center says, "Well, your best bet now would be to take it to the zoo." The following day, the animal control center employee figures he would call and check back with the guy to see what happened to the crocodile. He asks, "So, what did you do with the crocodile?" and the guy responds, "Well, I took it to the zoo yesterday like you suggested...and tonight I'm taking it to a movie.


At an outdoorsy store a hunter asks an employee why anyone would want to buy camo longjohns

The employee promptly replies, "They'll never see you coming!"


Three kids are talking at school...

The first one says: "my dad is a formula one driver; he is super fast!" The second one answers: "Really? My dad is a pilot, and with his jet he is even faster than your dad!" They both turn to the last kid. He puts down his cookie, and tells the others: "My dad is so fast, his timetable says he finishes work at 6, but he's always home by 5". The two other kids are amazed, and they ask where his dad works. "He's a state employee".



A man walks into the human resources office at work. The HR representative tells the man to sit down and tell him why a female employee is suing the company for sexual harassment. The man replies, "Her ass meant nothing to me, I was staring at her tits."



A little girl walks up to a pet store employee and says "Can I have a wittle bunny wabbit pwease?" The employee thinks the little girl is adorable, and asks her "Which color? Brown, black or white?" To which the girl replies "I don't think my pet snake weewy gives a shit."


I just hired a new employee and he claimed it has been months since his last bowel movement.

Needless to say one way or another, he's full of shit.


Taking a sick day

An employee walks in to his boss's office and tells him he has an upset stomach and a really bad headache. He then asks his boss what he should do. His boss says, "When I get to feeling really sick like that, I go home, lay down, have sex with my wife, then sleep the day away. I always awake feeling much better the next day."
The employee shows up the next day bright eyed and bushy tailed, walks in to his boss's office and said "Gee boss, that worked really well! I feel loads better! Nice house by the way..."


I dare someone to pull off this joke IRL.

A manager calls one of his employes because he is very late for work.
The employee picks up the phone. The boss enquires, "John, why aren't you at work?" John responds, "I have a medical condition." Concerned the manager asks, "What is it?" John replies, "I have anal glaucoma." The manager responds, "What is anal glaucoma?" Th which John responds, "I don't see my ass coming into work today."


A brilliant observation from my friend the airport employee

Me: You're still wearing your airport badge.
Friend: You're still wearing your wedding ring.
Me: Your job isn't your wife...
Friend: Oh yeah? It's pretty good at fucking me!


So this blonde walks in to a computer store...

... and says to the employee; have you got any curtains?

Employee says; um no sorry this is a computer store

Blonde; duhh, I have windows.


Made this joke up while working at Whole Foods a couple years back...

**What do you call a Whole Foods employee that shops at another grocery store?**

>!A "Traitor" Joe !<


What did the mortician say to his new necrophiliac employee?

Don't worry, you'll fit right in.


What's the difference between GTA V Online and a non-essential government employee?

Nothing neither one has been working since Tuesday...


Employee of the Year

A corporate CEO took his employee of the year out to lunch to celebrate. Being right after Christmas, they were discussing what they got their significant others as gifts.

The CEO says "I bought my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes that way, if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive the Mercedes to the store and get a new one."

To which the employee of the year replied, "I did something similar, except I got my wife a sweater and a dildo, that way if she doesn't like the sweater she can go fuck herself."


A lady is shopping for a big family dinner

She goes to the market to get a turkey to roast, but she can't find one that is large enough to feed her entire family. She finds an employee and asks "Excuse me sir, do these turkeys get any bigger?"

"No ma'am, I'm sorry... they're dead."


(real news) Select Starbucks stores have been offering customers the option of adding carbonation to their drinks.

In response, Dunkin' Donuts is offering customers the option of having an employee make motorboat noises into their coffee.


Yet another dumb blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a department store. She walks over to an employee and says

"I'd like to buy that TV over there".

The employer looks at her and then says

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes here".

So the blonde leaves. The next day, she comes back with her hair died brunette and again asks

"How much for the TV over there?".

Again, the employee says

"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes".

Surprised, but not phased, the blonde returns home and dies her hair black. The next day, she politely asks again

"Can I buy that TV over there?".

The clerk says

"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes here".

Frustrated, the blonde exclaims

"Damnit, how the hell do you know I'm blonde?"

And the clerk replies

"Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave".


I was talking to my employee on our break, when he said to me.....

"I feel like such a mushroom sometimes"

"Why because you're a fun guy?"

"No because I'm fed shit, kept in the dark and trampled on by people higher up than me. I quit"


Did you hear about the guy at the gun store who got fired?

He went ballistic.

Did you hear about the apartment building that got blown up? There were roomers everywhere.

Bob: Do you know why my pool exploded?
Joe: Na.

Did you hear about the power plant employee that went on a shooting spree? People say he went melted down and went nuclear.



A guy walks into a beer store, and asks the employee,

Guy: This is my first time buying beer, what do you recommend?

Employee: Bud Light is popular?

Guy: I'll take a 24 then. Same guy comes into the same beer store a week later and asks the same employee for a 24 of different beer.

Employee: Did you not like the Bud Light?

Guy: No, it made me blow chunks.

Employee: That happens to all of us if we drink to much.

Guy: You don't understand, Chunks is my dog.


What would an employee only entrance to a brothel be called in Westeros?

A Hodor...


A blonde walks into an electronics store...

and says to an employee,
"Excuse me sir, I'd like to purchase that TV." while pointing.
The employee says "We don't sell to blondes."
The blonde leaves as wonders what she can do about this. The next day, the same lady goes to the store with her hair dyed black and says,
"Excuse me sir, I'd like to purchase that TV."
The employee says "We don't sell to blondes."
Frustrated, the blonde comes back one more time with her hair dyed brown and says,
"Excuse me sir, I'd like to purchase that TV."
"Sorry, but we don't sell to blondes."
The lady, extremely confused and angry says "How the hell do you know that I'm blonde?!"
The man says "Because that's not a TV, it's a microwave."


Bill Gates walks into a Apple Store....

and as he is looking at the ipad he farts. He takes a whiff and says to an employee, you need to buy some windows.


Did you hear about the gym employee that got fired?

He didn't work out.



You've red some of the best employee jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about employee. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty employee gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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