Employee Jokes

What are some Employee jokes?

Milk

Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: Oh no

Me: What

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk


I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help?

I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.

Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer?

She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself

Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer

Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

Why was the Pepsi employee fired?

He tested positive for coke.

A woman is playing golf...

... when she gets stung by a bee. She goes into the clubhouse and tells an employee what has happened:

Woman: "Hello, I was stung by a bee."

Man: "Where were you stung?"

Woman: "Between the first hole and the second hole."

Man: "Your stance is too wide."

A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee,

And says, "So, tell me about myself."

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it might be me.

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because this stupid parrot keeps reposting crappy jokes" said the pet store employee.

A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.

She goes inside to inquire:

Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.

Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.

My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he'll fire the employee with the worst posture...

I have a hunch it might be me...

An employee texts his boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?" (Slightly nsfw)

His boss answers "I don't know."

The employee replies "I'm not coming in this morning!"

Optimist: "This glass is half-full." Pessimist: "This glass is half-empty."

EA Employee: "Download the next half for $9.99!"

Why do children in China all have iPhones and wear Nike?

Employee discounts

I'm not bragging, but I made six figures this year…

So they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory...

Psychic buys clothing

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small

Employee: You didn't even try it on

Psychic: I'm a medium

An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.

After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.

"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"

"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."

Went to go see Black Panther today

And the employee at the concession stand asked wakanda snacks i wanted

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn't find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?

The produce guy looked at me and said, No. You'll have to do that yourself.

Do you know why you should never hire a communist employee?

Because they only work in theory

An employee tells his boss...

Hey, that's a nice car you have there.

The boss looks at him and says:

Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer.

Overheard in line for a movie...

Theater employee: "That's an R-rated movie. When's your birthday?"

Teenage boy: "October 12th."

Employee: "What year?"

Boy: "Every year."

A man is talking to a sperm bank employee.

Man: "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier."

Sperm bank employee: "What glass of milk?"

Man: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."

Sperm bank employee: "Oh my god."

Man: "What?"

Sperm bank employee: "You drank my glass of milk."

Employee of the month

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."

And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card."

He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…

A young man walks into a ladies clothing store...

"I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves, but I don't know what size her hands are."

The beautiful young employee presses her hands into his and says, "I'm a 'small'. Does that help?"

"Oh yeah," he says. "You're hands are the exact same size as hers."

"Do you need anything else?" the young girl asks him.

"Now that you mention it, she also needs a bra and panties."

Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says

*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*

The man responds, *What happened?*

*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*

The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*

Lady barges into radio shack

She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:


"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"


The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.


She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"

How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

[Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]

A psychic goes into a clothing store

A psychic walks into a clothing store looking for a new shirt.

Employee: "How about this shirt?"

Psychic: "That shirt is too small."

Employee: "You didn't even try it on"

Psychic: "Because I am a medium"

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-ack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"

The waitress leaned over the counter and says, "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttooonnns"

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford



It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."



To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

Al Sharpton goes to Best Buy

Al Sharpton heads into best buy and is browsing the appliance section. He calls over a young white male employee.

Al: Hey young man, I'd like to register a complaint.
Best Buy Guy: What seems to be the issue sir?
Al: Well you see son, all of these washers are white! This is outrageous!
Best Buy Guy: (opens the lid and points inside the machine) Well if you look inside sir, you'll see that all the agitators are black.

A liquor store employee asked a customer if he needed any help

''Yes, but I come here instead''

Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.)

A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."

The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"

β€žCuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.

They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"

β€žShe said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says β€žCome with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says β€žOink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.

β€žPiggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says β€žWelcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes β€žMeeh!

Boss says β€žDon't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Bruce. The dwarf."

Today morgue employee got cremated by mistake while taking a nap...

I guess two people got fired that day!

I was at my local home improvement store yesterday

And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded "No thanks, I'm just window shopping."

Me and a friend..

Walk into a pet store and the employee asks "Anything that I can help you find?" and then proceeded to kick us out. apparently dinner wasn't the right answer.

The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season.

The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"

An employee and her boss are having sex.

Boss: Do you want to change positions?
Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager?

Pronounce it please!

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.


As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the "blonde" employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are at... VERY SLOWLY?"


The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said...
"Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"

A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.

Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.

It says "Employees Must Wash Hands" in the bathroom.

I must have stood in there for forty god damned minutes and nobody came in to wash my hands.

This guy walks in a Toy R Us to buy a Barbie for his daughter's birthday.

First Barbie he sees: Barbie with ski set: 29.99

Second Barbie that caught his attention: Barbie on a motorcycle: 34:99

Third Barbie he sees: Divorced Barbie: 249.99

So he go and asks an employee why is the Divorced Barbie so expencive.

The employee replies: That's because this set comes with Ken's car, Ken's motorcycle, Ken's boat and Ken's house.

The scarecrow won employee of the month again...

He's outstanding in his field.

Why wasn't the CIA employee able to go home to visit his family for Christmas?

Because he was Snowden.

Compliment of a HOT Secretary...

Secretary to her Boss: I want to complain of an employee here in our office.
Boss: What happened?
Secretary: Whenever we cross each other, he says that my hair smell too good.
Boss: That's just a compliment.
Secretary: It's not, he is a midget.

[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.

Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. Do you want them both?

Man: I'll take the former now and the latter ladder later.

My boss fired an employee unexpectedly today and everyone wants to know why...

I think it's because he was caught with a bag of cocaine. But regardless, our boss told us to keep our noses out of it.

An old man wants to get life insurance

The employee working at the insurance company asks:

'How old are you, sir?'

'I'm 102.'

'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'

'Your dad's birthday?! How old is he?'

'He's 139.'

'Okay, come back next week then.'

'Next week is definitely a bad time for me. We're gonna have a week-long party for my grandfather's wedding.'

'Your grandfather's weddig?! How old is he?'

'He's 164.'

'And he wants to get married at *his* age?'

'Nah, he doesn't, it's just that his parents are forcing him...'

From a Southwest Airlines employee

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

Three Valve employees walk into a bar

Three Valve employees walk into a bar and sit down in front of the bartender.

The first employee asked for a pint, and the bartender serves him one graciously.

The second employee asks for two pints, and again the bartender gives him what he wants without question.

The third employee asks for three pints, but this time the bartender doesn't give him what he wants, he only gives him two pints.

The poor lad looks at the bartender and asks him why he didn't get his third pint. The bartender looks at him and says, " You obviously don't work for Valve, they don't do anything more than two".

A man robs a bank.

Robber: Give me all your money or you're geography!
Employee: Don't you mean history?
Robber: Don't change the subject...

A manager has two great employees...

A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds later, Jill storms out of there and slams the door behind her.

Jack walks in and says "I guess you decided to let her go?"

Boss man has a bewildered look on his face and says "I never even got the chance to! All I said was 'I'm trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off.'"

I won the Most Unreliable Employee award.

I'll collect it when I can be bothered to go back in.

Ooooh it's ever so sad

At a boat rental company, the radio operator said into the microphone: "boat 99, your hour is up, please head in."
An employee walks up to him and says: "We only have 75 boats, sir there is no boat 99."
The radio operator says: "Boat 66, are you in trouble?"

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started working here, I asked a scientist the exact same question, and he said it was sixty-five million years oldβ€”and that was three years, two months and eighteen days ago."

What did Louis CK call his style of management where he interacts with each employee on an individual basis?

Different Strokes for Different Folks

A simple operation

A patient is caught running down the hospital halls before his operation by an employee.

"What's the matter?" the employee asked.

The man said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's going to be a very simple operation, don't worry, it will be fine.'"

"Well what's the matter? She was just trying to comfort you." the employee said.

The man replied, "She wasn't talking to me, she was talking to the doctor."

Guy walks into a Mexican restaurant but he's not that hungry...

And they serve free tortilla chips. He asks for one chip and they give it to him. He swipes his credit card, and nothing happens. The employee looks at him and says, "Dude... it's a chip."

Tickle Me Elmo

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Battery

An old woman mistook me for an employee at the supermarket.

She asked, "how much does just one AA battery cost?"

I had one in my pocket, but it was dead. I handed it over and said, "Here, no charge."

Customer Support

A foreign man applied for a job as an outsourced customer support representative. At the end of his interview, the company hiring him was very impressed.

"Well Mujibar, we really think you'd make a great employee, we just have one more test for you to pass the interview. We need you to use the words 'green,' 'pink,' and 'yellow' all in the same sentence.

He thought for a moment, and in a thick foreign accent he said "The phone goes 'green, green,' and I pink it up and say 'Yellow, this is Mujibar, how may I help you today?'"

A blonde joke

A blonde goes to the store to return her TV she just bought. She takes it to the customer service desk and tells the employee that her TV is defective and would like to return it for a working model.
The employee looks at her and says "I'm sorry but we do not serve blondes".
The lady comes back to the next day wearing a brown wig and attempts to return her TV. The salesman looks at her and says "I'm sorry but we don't serve blondes here."
The Lady comes back again the next day with a black wig and attempts to return her TV. The salesman says the same thing "I'm sorry but we do not serve blondes here."
Confused, the lady asks how the salesman knew she was a blonde with the wig.
The salesman replies "This is a microwave".

My employees are developing weaponized crocodiles.

I told them to make it snappy.

How to make Employee jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Employee to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Employee? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Employee pick up lines to share with friends.

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