Employed Jokes
68 employed jokes and hilarious employed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about employed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Whether you were once employed or are now self employed, have a laugh at some of these jokes about workers and the hired salary lifestyle. From the routine nine-to-five grind to the one-person show, these jokes will make you chuckle.
Funniest Employed Short Jokes
Short employed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The employed humour may include short employment jokes also.
- Interview Employer: This is an important job, we need someone who is responsible.
Applicant: I'm the one you want!
At my last job, every time there was a problem, they said I was responsible. - My employer has recently started testing their products on animals. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work for a hammer factory.
- When my employer asked if I had a criminal record... ...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
- James, please tell me who is the idiot here, you or me? Well sir, you don't look like a person who would employ an idiot.
- My sister is an expert pastry-maker. She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.
- I think my wife was sleeping with my boss so I changed jobs to prevent that from happening... One of the perks of being self-employed.
- Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want.
On my last job,
every time anything went wrong,
they said I was responsible." - A Levels Despite my A Level results being A B B A, it still seems no employer will Take a Chance On Me.
- What is Father Christmas's tax status? What is Father Christmas's tax status?
Elf-employed. - I am Responsible Employer : We need someone for this Job, who is Responsible.
Applicant : Sir, your search ends here, in my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I am Responsible..
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Employed One Liners
Which employed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with employed? I can suggest the ones about employee and worker.
- What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ? Fizzyscists
- 'Describe yourself with one word', my employer asked. 'Bad with numbers'
- I just nutted on my boss's daughter Sadly, im self-employed.
- Just nailed the boss's daughter Can't get fired, I'm self employed.
- What's white and covers the road in the early morning? Employed people.
- I think the Chinese employer liked jewellery... He asked me what I could bling
- Reportedly the President said... If I can employ an employee, why can't I hate a Haiti?
- what do you call a black man with a job? employed.
you racist - How do you starve a worthless mooch? By hiding his employment check in his work boots.
- Did you know Han Solo had an employment agency? Han Jobs
- My new employer asked me to take a drug test. I said "No, thanks." "I'll pass."
- Why did the man get a job as a horse handler? He wanted stable employment
- I need to start being an employer. Anything else isn't working for me.
- My boss was talking to himself "I'm employed by a crazy person" I said to myself.
- Satan's not all bad. He's an equal opportunity employer.
Self Employed Jokes
Here is a list of funny self employed jokes and even better self employed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A friend asked: "Now that you're self-employed; are you going to let your hair grow?" I replied: "I'm letting it, but it's not taking advantage of the opportunity."
- I don't know what's more repugnant--the fact that I've been sleeping with members of my staff... ...or the fact that I'm self employed.
- I quit my job last year because my boss was an idiot. Now I'm self employed. My boss is still an idiot.
- One of the best things about being self employed I name myself employee of the month every month.
- My boss touched me inappropriately at work today. It's okay though, I'm self-employed.
- What do you call a self employed individual who works with fertilizer? An Entremanure.
- Been seeing my bosses daughter the last few weeks and had to end it It hurt, but I'll be alright I think. It was just weird being self-employed.
- I've been having s**... with my boss It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
- A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have s**... with my boss One of the many perks of self employment.
- Today my boss fondled my g**...! Being self-employed is great.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Employed Jokes
What funny jokes about employed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jobs jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make employed pranks.
What do you call a p**... with her hands down her pants?
Self-employed
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent e**.... It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
At the end of a job interview, the employer asks the future employee
"So, do you have any questions regarding the company ?"
"How many people are working here ?" "well, i hope that at least half of them are."
A man walks into a pharmacy
A man walks in to a pharmacy &, after several minutes, walks up to the woman behind the counter.
She asked, "How can I help you?"
The man replied, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
The woman responded with, "I'm sorry. My sister & I run this pharmacy. There are no males employed here. Sir, how can I help you? I am a pharmacist & I will be professional."
The man pondered over this & then said, "Well. OK. Every day, I have an e**... that lasts for 3 hours. I don't take any pills. It's just a natural occurrence. What can you give me for it?"
The pharmacist thought about it for a moment, then said, "Let me call my sister. Wait right here." She came back a few minutes later & said, "Here's what we can offer you: 1/3 ownership of the store, a company truck, a king size waterbed, & $3000/month living expenses."
Permanent e**...
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said, "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent e**... which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is one third ownership in the store and 3000 Dollars a month in living expenses."
In the 18th century, a hopeful Asian laborer landed in America and went straight to the employment office.
He didn't speak a word of English, and the men at the employment office couldn't figure out where he was from. They took a vote to see if he was Chinese or Japanese.
It was a Thai.
An unemployed guy gets a call from the lady at the Employment agency
Lady : I have two openings for you.
Guy : I know.
The lady hangs up.
I just got fired for s**... harassment.
I'm self employed.
A man goes into a job interview
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
A guy was nailing his interview
A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"
Boss p**...
I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
I'm so sick of employers asking me what I'm doing in the next four years
It's not like I have 2020 vision
New secretary
Frank and Harry have been business partners for many years. They had just employed a new secretary and Frank had taken her out.
"How was it?" inquired Harry.
"Fantastic! And i don't mind saying, that she's far better in the cot than my wife."
A couple of weeks later, Harry took the secretary out, and the following morning, he said, "You're right Frank, she is better than your wife!"
A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"
The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.
Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"
I'm having s**... fantasies about sleeping with my boss.
Only problem is I'm self-employed.
7 Great Wonders of Communism:
1. Universal employment.
2. Despite universal employment, no one works at all.
3. Despite no one working, all economic plans were fulfilled to 100% minimum.
4. Despite plans being fulfilled above the 100% requisite, shops remained empty.
5. Despite shops being empty, everyone had everything.
6. Despite everyone having everything, everyone remained a thief.
7. Despite the universal theft, no one was ever missing anything.
The Promotion
I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have s**... with".
"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"
I keep getting s**... harassed at work by my boss.
It is one of the many drawbacks of being self-employed.
A blonde woman goes to the shop and sees a TV
She asks the employee if she can buy that TV. The employer says they don't sell to blondes.
So she dyes her hair brown and comes back with the same request. The employee again says they don't sell to blondes.
So she dyes her hair black and comes back for a third time. The employee says they don't sell to blondes. The blonde, now very annoyed, asks the employee how he knew she was blonde.
The employee says ma'am, that's a microwave
During an interview the potential employer asked the young man What you consider to be your greatest weakness"?
The job applicant replied Honesty.
The interviewer commented "Honesty? I don't think honesty is a weakness.
The young man replied I don't care what you think!
Robocop lost his job on the Police force..
He's found new employment advertising for a barber shop
Shave now.. or there will be stubble
A painter is employed to whitewash the local church. But he makes the mistake of thinning the paint down too much, so that it all washes away the first time it rains.
The minister rings the painter to complain. "What do you want me to do about it?" says the painter.
"Repaint," says the minister, "And thin no more."
A dog goes to the Job Centre
A dog goes to the job centre and asked for assistance in finding employment.
The employee at the Job Centre says "b**... h**...! A talking dog! You should get a job at the circus!"
The dog replies "Why's that? Are they after a plumber?"
A snail decides he wants to be a racer...
So he employs a pit crew, a coach, and a designer. The designer paints a big 'S' on the side of his vehicle which the snail highly approves of.
He tries out at a local track, and starts overtaking all the other amateurs much faster than anyone else.
The coach stares and says 'Look at that S-Car-Go!"
Man goes to a job interview.
Interviewer: see you have a recent employment gap of 5 years, what have you done in that time?
Man: I spent the first 4 years in Yale.
Interviewer: that's impressive, what have you done in the last year?
Man: I've veen looking for a Yob.