Empire Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Osama Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...

He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"

"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."

"Why, what did you answer?"

"The Empire State Building."

"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."

We used to have empires ruled by emperors, kingdoms ruled by kings and sultanates ruled by sultans.

Now we have countries....

Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?

It's a perfect 5/7.

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of caesars.

The invention of sex

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"
The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on and
Then Greek Says: "We invented sex" The Italian says:"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women"

A Greek and an Italian are arguing over whose culture is superior.

he Greek says "We built the Parthenon." the Italian says "We build the Colosseum." The Greek says "We came up with advanced Mathematics" The Italian says "We made the Roman Empire." The Greek is getting frustrated finally realizes how he can win the argument. "We invented sex." The Italian replies "True, true, I can't argue with that, but we thought of having it with women."

How would you split the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

Did you hear about the Chinese brother's that tried to start a German Empire?

Turns out two Wongs don't make a Reich.

10 september 2001

The child of Bin Laden comes home grumpy. His dad asks him "what happened?". "Today I got an F in geography class". "And what did she ask you?". "What's the tallest building from New York and I said Empire State Building". "Eh, don't cry over it, I'll take care of that for you."

A man was about to jump off the Empire State Building...

A physicist runs up to him and shouts "Don't do it you have so much potential!"

What's a police officer's favorite Star Wars movie?

The Empire Strikes Blacks

The Greatest Sex Culture . . .

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee, the Greek says, "Well, we built the Parthenon."

The Italian replies, "We built the Coliseum.

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ".

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That may be true, but it was the Italians who included women."

Empire Strikes Back is still my favorite StarWars episode.

One could say it is a perfect 5/7.

New guy in big corporate

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day
of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"

"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

The Jewish Samurai [Long]

The Emperor of Japan loses his most trusted bodyguard, and sends out a proclamation to the whole empire: Bring forth the best samurai to show their skills, so that they may guard my life.

Three samurai enter the throne room: A samurai from Edo, A samurai from osaka, and a jew.

The first samurai bows to the emperor, then opens up a matchbox. A single fly comes out, and flies up. The samurai swings his sword once, and the fly drops dead in two pieces. The emperor is impressed.

The second samurai bows, opens a matchbox, and a fly comes out. His sword swings twice, and the fly drops dead in four pieces. The emperor stands and claps, even more impressed.

The jew comes up, bows before the emperor, and opens a matchbox. A fly comes out, the jew puts on his glasses, then proceeds to chase the fly around the throne room, swinging wildly. After about 30 swings, the jew re-sheathes his sword, and the fly flies away. The emperor is confused, and asks: "Why is the fly not dead?"

The jew's response? "Circumcision isn't meant to kill."

A guy walks up to a girl in the bar with his fist closed and says........I will go down on you if you can guess what I have in my hand.

The girl says........The empire state building.

The guy says..........That's close enough.

What do you call a war between india and the UK?

The empire strikes back.

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets?

Wookieeleaks

Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?

He had a plane to catch

3 Presidents are in a Plane

So three presidents are in a plane, an American one, a French one, and a Mexican one. As they were flying, the American president stuck his hand out (one of those windowless planes), and said "hey, were in America!" The French president asks how did he know they were in America, and the American president says, "because when I stuck my hand out, I felt the top of the empire state building." A short while later, the French president sticks his hand out and say "Hey, we are in France!" The Mexican president asks him about how he knew, and the French president said, "when I stuck my hand out I felt the top of the Eiffel tower. A short while later the Mexican president sticks his hand out and says "hey, were in Mexico!" The American president asks him how he knew, and to this the Mexican President replied,"Well, I stuck my hand out and when I pulled it back in, my watch disappeared."

A Greek and a Roman are arguing about who has the superior culture.

The Greek says "We built the Parthenon". The Roman says "Ah, but we built the Colosseum". The Greek responds "We invented democracy" and the Roman says "Yes, but we founded the great Roman Empire". Finally, the Greek says "We invented sex". The Roman replies "That's true, but we're the ones who thought of having it with women."

I guess you could say Luke Skywalker single-handedly defeated the empire.

I told this joke to someone in a dream, and when I woke up I realized it was actually funny.

Why does the Empire use Apple?

Because they couldn't find the droid they were looking for

The year is 2219

A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

Why does the sun never set on the British Empire?

Because God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark!

Trump meets the Queen

So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.

Queen:' Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on'
Donald:' I rule the USA, what does that make me'
Queen: that's a country, that makes you a ....

Where does the Empire buy their robes?

The Darth Mall!

can someone explain this ancient Roman joke

Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued, he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?' 'No, your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'

Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture?

The Ottoman Empire.

This may be controversial to most people, but i feel it must be said. I FULLY support flying the rebel flag.

How else are we supposed to show our support and remembrance of the battle of Hoth, and our willingness to topple the empire and bring peace to the galaxy?

A blind man decided to kill himself...

Q: When the blind man decided to kill himself by jumping off of the Empire State Building, how did he know when he was just about to hit the ground?

A: The dog quit barking.

Reagan, Gorbachev, and Tito are on a plane

Gorbachev suddenly reaches out the window, and says "We are in Russia!" The other two ask him how he knows. He replies, "I just touched the top of the Kremlin!"

Later, Reagan reaches out the window, and says "We are in the US!" The other two ask how he knows. He replies, "I just touched the top of the Empire State Building!"

Next, Tito reaches out the window, and says "We are in Yugoslavia!" The other two ask how he knows. He replies, "They just stole my watch!"

How can you tell Jesus was Irish?

He lived at home until he was in his thirties, he thought his mother was a virgin, he was an unemployed carpenter who got into trouble with the Empire, his last night on Earth was spent out drinking with his mates, and his last request was a drink.

I can jump higher than the empire state building

I rely on the fact that the building can't jump.

British food, British weather and British culture.

And thus a great colonial empire of sailors was born.

What's the most comfortable empire?

The Ottoman Empire.

And much like that one, I'll see myself out now.

When the Empire Strikes Back was being filmed, they considered getting rid of James Earl Jones and bringing in Hulk Hogan instead to be Darth Vader.

But they quickly decided not to when they realized the line "No Luke, I am your father, brother!" Was way too confusing.

What do you get when you drop an egg off the Empire State Building?

New Yolk

The Galactic Empire, after the destruction of the Death Star, has taken to bowling during the interim.

The Empire Strikes Back, they call it.

A man falls from the top of the Empire State building.

When he hits the ground, a woman walking by screams "oh my God what happened"!!

The man looks up and says "I don't know, I just got here"

9/11, Perfect day to make an insensitive repost

Osama bin Laden's son came home from school crying. Osama asked, "why are you crying my son".

His son replied, "today our teacher asked us what the tallest building in America is. I said it's the Empire State Building and the whole class laughed at me."

"Don't worry son, I'll handle this."

The leg rests have taken over!

Fear the Ottoman Empire!

What's the difference between your mom and the Empire State Building?

Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building

Did you hear that a bunch of mechanics started an uprising and overthrew the government?

they called it the "Automan" Empire.

What's gray, and if it gets in your eye, you'll probably die?

The Empire State Building

What do you call a German empire with lots of hair?

The Furred Reich

Why doesn't the Empire hire better pilots?

Their assets are tied

A Greek and an Italian...

are arguing the virtues of their respective cultures in antiquity.

The Greek says, "Us Greeks had great armies and built a great empire that expanded throughout the Mediterranean and Asia Minor."

The Italian says, "And the Romans had greater armies and a much bigger empire, encompassing most of Europe and parts of Asia and Africa."

The Greek says, "But the Greeks made great advances in art and philosophy!"

And the Italian says, "Yes, and the Romans made even greater advances in architecture and science!"

The Greek is getting frustrated now, and blurts out, "Well, we discovered the pleasures of love and sex!"

The Italian responds, "Yeah, but we introduced the concept to women."

3 guys worked on top of the empire state building.

They all had the same stuff for lunch every day and they said if they had it again they would jump to their deaths.

The Irish guy had a different meal so he lived.

The German guy had a different meal so he lived.

The polish guy had the same meal so he jumped to his death.

when talking to the wife she said I don't know why he did this. he made his own lunch every day

Who lead the Chinese empire into the Wi-Fi age

Emperor Ping

Why did King Kong....

Climb the Empire State Building?


...He couldn't fit in the elevator.

Turns out the racist attack on the actor from empire was total bullsh**

I could smollett from a mile away.

How did Diocletian cut the Roman Empire into 2 empires?

By using Caesars.

An Irish boy asks his father: "Da, why did the Sun never set on the English empire?"

The latter promptly responded: "Well son, that's because God would never trust the English in the dark!"

What's the difference between an umpire and an empire?

An umpire gives three strikes, but an Empire Strikes Back.

What's the opposite of "The Empire strikes back"?

The Emperor has a stroke.

Donald Trump has a new plan for solving the conflict of interest of him owning his business empire and being President

He's going to put America into a blind trust.

The American, Frenchman, Norwegian and the Black guy

So there is an American, Frenchman, Norwegian and a Black guy
on top of the Empire state building.

The American pulls out some dollars from his pocket and throws them off the building.

"Why did you do that?" said the others. "Because we have so much money.

So the Frenchman pulls out some wine and throw it off the building.
"Why did you do that?" said the others? "Because we have so much wine."

The norwegian looks over at the black guy.

"Dont you even dare!"

What do Queen Victoria's empire and people with innie bellybuttons have in common?

Navel superiority.

If an anime was based around the Ottoman Empire...

It would be a literal Harem anime.

Osama bin laden's son came back home from school one day in tears.

Osama asked: "What's wrong?"

His son said: "Our teacher asked me what the tallest building in new york is, and I got it wrong."

Osama replied: "What did you say?"

His son: "The empire state building."

Osama: "Don't worry son, i'll take care of it."

The competition is realy hard among the rubber manufacturers

The british manufacturer says: During the renovation of the Big Ben, a worker fell down from the top of the tower, but his braces hitched into a ledge, so he survived. The british rubber industry is the best.
The american says: That is nothing. When the empire state building was built a worker also fell down, but he could use his chewing-gum to prevent the accident. He sticked the gum to the steel and he survived.
The soviet says: During the renovation of the Kremlyn, a guy fell down from the Saint Nicholas Tower. He died of course, but his rubber boots were intact

What caused the fall of the Roman Empire?

The Earth's tilt.

Julius Caeser and Alexander the Great are in a bathroom together

They are both going pee in two urinals right next to each other. Alexander the Great leans over the divider looks at Caeser and says "My empire is bigger than yours"

How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

Use Caesers

What did 18 Year olds in the Byzantine Empire do for fun?

Nothing they were busy teens.

A poem about British history

First we were a kingdom, and we had a king.

Then we were an empire, and we had an empress

Now we are a country, and we have Nigel Farage.

Did you hear about the arabian body builder who built a business empire?

They called him the protein sheikh

What did the Roman empire say to the city that wouldn't listen?

I thought we razed you better than this!

People keep comparing the election to Empire Strikes Back or Revenge Of The Sith...

Personally I would have gone with The Star Wars Christmas Special

Ouch! Meghan slapped Prince Harry in public.

He says that if she does it again, the Empire strikes back.

Why did the Sultan leave his job at Mattress City?

He was already a manager at Ottoman Empire

How long does it take for a newborn to fall from the empire state building?

About 16 seconds

What's the difference between negligence and falling off of the empire state building?

Nothing if you're a gorilla.

Meanwhile, in an alternate universe where the Nazi's empire reaches to all four corners of the universe...

They've become a Reichtangle.

If the British empire spoke queens English does that mean..

The Americans spoke rebels tongues.

Realizing that the AT-AT doesn't have enough armor around the back, the Empire released a new batch with increased armor...

and called them the PHAT-ATs

A man assumed he could fly so he jumped off of the roof of the Empire State Building

I guess you could say he jumped to his conclusion.

What is another name for the Austro-Hungarian empire?

Frankenreich

The biggest instant noodle company in Japan just went out of business

People are calling it the Fall of the Ramen Empire

What are the funniest empire jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Empire? Well, here are the best Empire puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Empire pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes