Emergency Jokes
149 emergency jokes and hilarious emergency puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about emergency that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Humor can be found in the most unexpected places. Check out this compilation of emergency jokes that emergency crews, emergency room teams, emergency services, paramedics, emergency nurses and emergency management will find entertaining! Get ready to laugh in the face of emergency!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Emergency Short Jokes
Short emergency jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The emergency humour may include short urgent jokes also.
- A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico. Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.
- My 7 year old daughter came up with this one (I trained her well). Why did the doctor make an emergency call to the graveyard? Because all the coffin.
- A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police: - Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now. - A boy calls 9-11. "9-11 what is your emergency?"
The boy replied, "My parents are fighting and I'm scared.."
"Well who's your father?"
"Well that's what they're fighting about." - I have some sausage and cheese for emergencies... But I will only use them in a wurst käse scenario
- Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope. That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
- In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state. All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.
- A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.
'Is it moving?' they asked.
'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.' - Just Spent 3 hours in the emergency room...... .... the Dyson Ball vacuum has a VERY misleading name........
- Just waiting for my sister at Heathrow Airport, as I saw her emerge in arrivals I shouted, "Hi sis, " Never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!
Share These Emergency Jokes With Friends
Emergency One Liners
Which emergency one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with emergency? I can suggest the ones about anger and alarm.
- Did you hear about Steve Harvey's new job? Hawaii Emergency Management Agency.
- My imaginary friend died in the emergency room waiting area Doctors refused to admit him
- Who do you call during a Zika virus emergency? The SWAT team
- When should you go to a Mexican hospital? In queso of an emergency
- What did Chuck Norris say after calling 911? What's your emergency?
- What do rich people ride to the Emergency Room? An ambulenciaga.
- Where do snowmen go in a medical emergency? The ICY-U
- What's the name for the emergency service for lemons? Lemonade
- What do you call a German emergency? The wurst-case scenario.
- 100 people walk into a bar The emergency unit was overly busy that night.
- Why do Mexicans have a secret cheese stash? In queso emergency.
- Whats the difference between working hard and working harder The emergency room
- What number do you call for emergencies in Mexico? 9-Juan-Juan
- Operator: "911 what's your emergency?" Person: "Mariah Carey just bombed Times Square."
- Taco emergency ? Call 9 Jaun Jaun
911 Emergency Jokes
Here is a list of funny 911 emergency jokes and even better 911 emergency puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A guy calls 911 Guy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Guy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Guy: The ugly one is winning. - 911, what is your emergency? Help, two girls are fighting over me.
Operator: Sir, why is that a problem!
The ugly one is winning! - "911 " "Hello my wife was cookin dinner and she fell" says the husband
"What's the emergency?"
The huband replies " how do I know when the rice is ready?" - I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach... I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner.
- Nine One One! Guy outside "911! 911!"
Guy inside "What's going on out there, why are you yelling 911?"
Guy outside: "emerge and see!" - What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors? "911 is an inside job"
- I worked as an Emergency Dispatcher, and Im happy to announce 911 was an inside job!
- "911, what's your emergency?" Hi i need to report a kidnapping.
My son is taking a nap in my room right now. - Why'd the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him? It was an emergent sea.
- hello, this is 911, what's your emergency? it's national donuts day.
Emergency Room Jokes
Here is a list of funny emergency room jokes and even better emergency room puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My son today accidentally drank invisible ink. I'm sat with him in the emergency room waiting to be seen.
- Someone once told me to drink bleach to quickly clean me out for a drug test. What an idiot... The emergency room nurse said I still had drugs in my system when I woke up...
- My kid swallowed something... Called the doctor. He said I should go to the emergency room immediately. It was det ergent.
- A man was recently admitted to the emergency room because of a tendency to talk with his hands too much. He was diagnosed with gesticular cancer.
- A guy named Michael was rushed to the emergency room one night and had to have heart surgery.. I guess you could say it was open Mike night.
- If a hospital runs out of rooms, don't worry There's an emergency room
- What did the man with the magnifying glass say to the guy in the emergency room? ICU
- We saw a patient in the emergency room today... He had fallen into an upholstering machine.
It was touch and go for a while but...
...he's fully recovered. - Did you hear about the gun that was admitted to the Emergency Room at the hospital? Everyone freaked out when it was prematurely discharged
- What's the difference between Franklin Delano Roosevelt and an emergency room run by people who can't hear? One is FDR the other is a Deaf ER.
Emergency Services Jokes
Here is a list of funny emergency services jokes and even better emergency services puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An original joke (50% of it is) What do you call it when a cow falls over?
Ground beef.
What do you call it when yo mama falls over?
You don't call it you call emergency earthquake services. - Kangaroo 911: "What's your emergency?"
Kangaroo: "I can't find my children"
Kangaroo 911: "Did you check your pockets?"
Kangaroo: "Oh nevermind." - I called emergency services I said, I need a christening *fast*
Emergency Landing Jokes
Here is a list of funny emergency landing jokes and even better emergency landing puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend with very dry lips caused his flight to make an emergency landing. Crew members took action when they noticed he had boarded the plane with a balm.
- (True Story) Just got off a plane through the pacific and realized something... There is no such thing as an emergency water landing. It's called crashing into the ocean.
Hilarious Emergency Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about emergency you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean danger jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make emergency pranks.
Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
Former Olympic skier Pickabo Street donated money to a local hospital...
Former Olympic skier Pickabo Street donated money to a local hospital. In gratitude, the hospital named their emergency ward after her-- it's now the Picabo ICU.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are hunting in the woods.
One of them sees a deer and fires, but accidentally shoots his friend in the back. When he realizes what happened, he immediately calls 911.
"Hello, what is your emergency?"
"I think I just killed my friend while hunting!"
"Ok, we'll send an ambulance immediately. But don't say things like that unless you're certain. Can you make sure he's dead?"
The emergency operator hears him walk a few steps then, *bang!*
"Ok, now I'm sure."
For my cake day, a joke...
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Amish Woman
Amish woman(riding a horse and buggy) gets pulled over because reflector on her buggy is broken.. cop says, you might want to have your husband look at your reflector He notices a rope wrapped around the horse's b**...… and ma'am, some folks might find that rope offensive . The lady later makes it home and tells her husband about the event. cop says the reflector is busted… and he didn't like the emergency brake neither
A boy calls 911.
911 picks up and the boy yells, "Help, help!
911 asks, "What's the emergency?"
The boy says, "Two girls are fighting over me!"
911 responds, "Is that a problem?"
The boy replies, "No, but it looks like the ugly one is winning!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Car broke down.
While driving to work one day, a man's car breaks down. He eases it over to the shoulder and gets out. He pops open the trunk and two n**... men in trench coats hop out, walk a few feet behind the car and start opening and closing their coats.
Naturally, this causes a pileup, which brings out a number of police officers. The driver is flustered as officers question him. "My car broke down, so I pulled off to the side and put out my emergency flashers..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Paraprosdokians
*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.*
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
You're never too old to learn ...something s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Conversation between a 911 operator and a hunter
"911, what's your emergency?"
"My friend and I went hunting and he got attacked by a bear, I managed to scare it away, but I think my friend is dead"
"OK, stay calm. First, make sure he is dead"
*Gun shot*
"He is. Now what?"
Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...
He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it." Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have samed him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A police officer pulled over an Amish couple in a buggy
"Sir, I'm going to need you to remove the strap from around that horse's t**.... That's just inhumane."
"WHAT'S HE SAYIN'?", the old man asked his wife.
"I think there might be something wrong with the emergency brake."
I rolled my first joint last night!
Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are in the woods...
Two hunters were in the woods, when one collapsed. He didn't seem to be breathing. The other called the emergency number and said, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator said, "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." After a second of silence on the hunter's end, the operator heard a gunshot. The hunter came back on the phone and said, ""OK, now what?"
The vaccine conspiracy
Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
On earth: A magician puts his hand in his hat.
In the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. It is time. The rabit council must choose another sacrifice.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Emergency flashers
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their n**... bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many g**... does it take to put in a lightbulb?
How many g**... does it take to put in a lightbulb?
Only one, but it takes a whole emergency room to remove it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea
Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil h**...! Is the war over?
During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."
A man got lost on a camping trip
A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.
Charlie Smith, someone shouted, is that you?
Yes, it is, came the reply. Who are you?
We're from the Red Cross.
I gave at the office! Charlie shouted back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
911, what's your emergency?
"I'm m**... too much."
Sir that's not really a problem.
"One sec. HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Aliens meet at a Bar in Deep Space
Two Aliens meet in a bar in deep space.
**First Alien:** On my way here I passed a beautiful blue world, 2/3 covered by water, The dominant race have discovered Satellite technology and Harnessed the power of nuclear weapons for defense.
**Second Alien:** Interesting, so it looks like we have an emerging intelligence in the Galaxy.
**First Alien:** That is what i thought but then I realized they pointed them at themselves.
The cellphone goes off in class...
Bully: "Aww, Is your Mommy calling you?"
The class emerges in snickers.
You: "Nope. Yours is."
The class becomes silent.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was in the emergency room
and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.
Apparently this dude had come in complaining of r**... pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.
Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report
Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'
Two aliens are flying near earth
The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."
Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever
2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".
The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."
The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"
A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"
I had to be rushed in for an emergency open heart surgery today,
My doctor grinned as he handed me a scalpel, "Fixing your heart yourself would give you a sense of pride and accomplishm-..."
Kim Jong Un: I have a big button on my desk Donald Trump: I have a big button on my desk
Hawaii Emergency Alert Guy: Hold my beer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"911, what's your emergency?"
*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
**BANG**
*"Okay, what next?"*
An old man was driving along the highway...
...when a traffic emergency came on the radio.
"Attention all drivers on Highway 11, there is a lunatic driving on the wrong side of the road!"
The old man muttered to himself; "A lunatic? More like hundreds!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?
So men may think on a solution in silence
45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails
And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane was scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.
The pastor promptly took up a collection.....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two boys are camping in the woods when one of them collapses
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other boy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a brief silence when a sound like an axe hitting a watermelon is heard.
Back on the phone, the boy says, "OK, now what?
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute !!"
When I was visiting Mexico, I found it strange that they would keep cheese in their first aid kits.
Turns out it was just there in queso emergency.
A man worked at construction site...
...and is brought to emergency room with concussion and skull fracture.
His wife, furious, comes to hospital.
"What happened?!"
"Well, I asked John to throw me the hammer..."
"And then what?! You didn't catch it?"
"In matter of fact *I did*. But then I remembered we have 3 guys named John working on our site..."
The signs always say, Break glass in case of emergency, but when I had an emergency and broke the glass, my neighbor yelled at me.
Apparently, it was highly inappropriate to throw my drink to the floor, and I could've just asked where the bathroom is.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Air Force One gets caught in a storm in the midwest
And crashes. Because most of the roads are out, it takes emergency responders a long time to reach the wreck. When they get there, they see a farmer.
"Did you see the plane c**...?" asked the EMTs.
"Ayup. Sure did. Buried them all too," answered the farmer.
"None of them survived?"
"Well, the president said he did, but you know what a liar he is."
I ate five alarm chili last night...
...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.
Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"
Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.
In celebration of my very first Cake Day, I'm reposting one of my own jokes:
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.
A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"
"It's hard to say."
On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.
One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: People of the plane, we're having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?
Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but...
My boss walks over to my desk as the phone is ringing…
Boss: Why aren't you picking that up??
Me: I pick it up on the third ring, makes me seem cooler.
Boss: PICK IT UP!!
Me: [rolls eyes] fine. 911, what's your emergency?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A fire breaks out in the kitchen.
The man rushes over to the emergency station and comes back with a large red tube. He points it at the fire and squeezes the lever. The tube says, that's a grease fire! The man looks closer at what he's carrying. d**..., he says, I accidentally bought a fire distinguisher!
I asked my diabetic friend to fake an emergency so we could get out class.
He said "Piece of Cake"
The wife of Korean immigrant was bed ridden with a high fever.
She hadn't had consciousness for a while and she was a burning 40 degrees Celsius. Worried, the husband tries to call for an ambulance, using his broken English.
"911 emergency, how can we help you."
"Wife in bed. She so hot."
"Okay... good for you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teenager got s**... in well.
He calls 911.
Boy: 911?
Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Boy: I'm stuck in a well.
Operator: How old are you? Is the well deep?
Boy: im14andthisisdeep.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
911: what's your emergency?
**pig:** a wolf just blew my house down!
**911:** HOLY s**...—
**pig:** I know right?
**911 [covering phone]:** Frank, theres a talking pig on the other line
I feel bad for current college students...
Back when I was in school, our national health emergency was caused by drinking Four Lokos.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dave knows everyone joke
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the f**... is that on the balcony with Dave?’
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*Phone rings at work*
Boss: Why don't you answer it?
Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.
Boss: ANSWER IT g**...!
Me: 911, what's the emergency?
A German and an Englishman are having a conversation in the park when suddenly a young girl falls into the lake.
They both rush in to save her, but when they emerge she's unconscious.
The Englishman asks the German if they know the number for emergency services.
999.
The Englishman replies, fine, I'll call them myself.
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"911, what's your emergency?"
Drunk r**..., "Send help, my buddy just fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. He's bleed'n like a stuck hog!"
911, "Okay sir, what's your location?"
Drunk r**..., "We're at the corner of Sycamore and Vine."
911, "Okay sir, I'm going to need you to spell that for me. "
Drunk r**..., "Si.....Sy...ah! screw it! I'll drag him on down to Maple you can pick him up there!"
Two hunters.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says 911, whats your emergency? The hunter replies My friend just passed out and I don't know what to do! I think he might be dead! The emergency responder replies Before you do anything, make sure he is dead. The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says Ok, now what?
They say that if enough Antarctic ice melts more and more viruses will emerge...
I guess that means COVID is only the tip of the iceberg!
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During school lockdown drills there's always a designated area to d**....
Since in emergencies it's always important to keep your s**... together.
Do you know why women and children are always evacuated first in any emergency situation?
So that all the men can think and come up with a solution in peace and quiet.
Source: my dad (to me on International Women's Day)
A Russian Joke
People start starving and getting mad at Nikita Khrushchev.
He gets his hammer and breaks the *in case of emergency* glass, inside there are two letters from Stalin.
He opens the first one, it says "Blame everything on me."
This works great. For a while.
Soon, everyone is starving again, and Nikita opens the second letter. It says "Write two letters for your successor."
A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.
I saw a woman hit by a car, he said. She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.
How horrible! What did you do?
Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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An Engineering Joke.
Putin, Biden and Merkel are sitting on a beach after a summit and argue who's country has the best engineers. Putin says: " We make submarine run underwater for 5 five years. No contact to surface." Biden says: "Thats nothing. Ours run for ten years without resurfacing." Merkel just smiles. In this moment a Uboat emerges from the depths and drives up to the beach. A hatch opens, and a man in uniform pops out. He looks at the three, raises an arm and shouts: " Heil h**...! We need fuel!"
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Two hunters joke
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guys says "OK, now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Why did the Mexican go to the Emergency Room (ER)?
Because of Hispanic attacks
