Uproarious Emerge Jokes to Share with Friends
Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea
Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"
Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"
Merkel stands next to them saying nothing.
Suddenly the sea is rambling and a submarine emerges next to them.
The top hatch opens and out pops and old man, raising his arm and shouting
"HEIL H*TLER, WE NEED DIESEL!"
Frightening Statistic
This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
A German and an Englishman are having a conversation in the park when suddenly a young girl falls into the lake.
They both rush in to save her, but when they emerge she's unconscious.
The Englishman asks the German if they know the number for emergency services.
999.
The Englishman replies, fine, I'll call them myself.
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
Emergency flashers
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their n**... bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!
Just waiting for my sister at Heathrow Airport,
as I saw her emerge in arrivals I shouted, "Hi sis, " Never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!
There should be an emergency room just for embarrassing injuries so you don't have to feel judged. Just g**... and Buttholes.
Call it the Pee/Nut/b**... ER
Emergency Services
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal.
It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently, "Keep calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....
So I was in the emergency room
and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.
Apparently this dude had come in complaining of r**... pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.
Emergency measures
On behalf of the international community, as a humanitarian measure, we demand that President Putin be admitted to art school on an emergency basis.
I'm in the Emergency Dept at the hospital because I swallowed invisible ink.
I'm waiting for someone to see me.
You can explore emerge arise reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean emerge deeper dad jokes. There are also emerge puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
They say that if enough Antarctic ice melts more and more viruses will emerge...
I guess that means COVID is only the tip of the iceberg!
What's the name for the emergency service for lemons?
Lemonade
Emergency broadcast alert.
Just happened this morning while taking my wife to work. The emergency broadcast alert came over the radio.
Wife: It's probably just a test.
Me: Unless Trump pressed the big red button.
Our 9 year old: Oh come on now Trump is new to the White House, he doesn't know how everything works yet.
Such innocence and wisdom in one statement.
Nine One One!
Guy outside "911! 911!"
Guy inside "What's going on out there, why are you yelling 911?"
Guy outside: "emerge and see!"
What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?
"911 is an inside job"
I got an emergency alert about an incoming missile on my phone today.
When I got it I went intercontinentally ballistic.
Emergency Landing:
Gary thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to c**... I cou- hold on...
*to copilot* STOP CRYING, GARY WILL HELP
What emerged from the Olympic pools and wreaked havoc in Rio?
The Lochte-Mess Monster of coarse.
How to get rid of ants.
Go to Home Depot or Wall-mart and buy a can of black spray paint. Any brand works great.
Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.
The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds. Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.
Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.
How is a cicada like a neckbeard?
They both spend years living underground and when they emerge all you hear is endless whizzing.
[OC] What is the emergency number?
When I was in London, UK, I asked my Indian colleague if he knows the emergency number in UK. He answered '349'. I said 'No it's not. It's 999'. He insisted 'Yes 349'. Thinking he was a deaf but knowing he is not I said 'No it is 999'. So he answered slowly. 'Yes TTTRRRRIIII PPOOOLLLLL NINE!!' in Indian Accent.
Me: I think I need some Emergen-zzz
My husband: I think what you need is this Emergen-D
What was the emergency number of the SS?
88
Why did the soldiers emerge from the war in l**...?
They came out in Triumph.
Emergency Landing
A pilot was flying at night when his engine quit, so he hurriedly looked up what to do in the flight manual.
"First, establish a stable glide speed. Turn the landing light on. If the terrain appears unsuitable for a forced landing, turn the landing light off."
