Els Jokes
110 els jokes and hilarious els puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about els that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Els Short Jokes
Short els jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The els humour may include short jokes also.
- I met a girl from El Salvador. I told her she was El salvAdorable... But she said she's heard that a Brazilian times.
- The Mexican drug lord El Chapo has been extradited to the United States... It's still unclear which cabinet post he'll be appointed to.
- In Spanish the gender of the word for water changes depending on if it is singular or plural. El Agua, Las Aguas. I guess that means it is gender fluid.
- Why do the Spanish newspaper El Mundo's employees work so hard? Because El Mundo means The World to them.
- Why do people mix up "el agua" and "la agua"? Because it's gender fluid
- In Spanish, why are computers "la computadora" and not "el computadoro"? Because they think they know everything.
- What do you call a drug dealing hairdresser? El Chapo
- Where do the old Texans go to feel nostalgic? El Past-o
- What do you call an elephant-rhino mix? pft. 'el eph I no.
- What do you call a mexican barber? El Chapo
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Els One Liners
Which els one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with els? I can suggest the ones about and .
- What do you call a rhinoceros crossed with an elephant? "el' if I know."
- What do you call a Mexican quarterback? El Passo.
- Say El Mundo to a Hispanic you know... It would mean the world to them
- What do you call a Spanish toilet that weighs 2,000 pounds? El Ton John
- Where will baby Kal-El be sleeping? In his crib-tonight.
- What did the chihuahua name his sailboat? El Barko
- I always say el mundo to my Spanish friend It means the world to him
- ¿Qué tipo de oso es muy desconocido? ¡El misterioso!
I'll see myself out now... - Have you ever heard of Supermans powerless cousin? Norm-El
- What do you call a 2000 pound spanish toilet that sings? El Ton John
- What's Jared Fogle's favorite weather? El nino.
- What do they call Samuel L. Jackson in Mexico? Samuel El Jackson
I'm sorry - What do narcos use for dry lips? El chapostick
- What do you call El Chapo suffering from seizures? Narcolepsy
- What do you get if you mix an elephant and a rhyno? El-if-I-no
Els Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about els you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make els pranks.
What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have s**....
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the c**... broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore t**... and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a c**... if I ever had s**....
He said, Any person willing to have s**... with you will sleep with almost anyone else.
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex
Now she'll know what rejection feels like
I love "technically true" jokes, like:
If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.
Or
Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?
Or
There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
What else you got? (It doesn't *have* to be water-related...)
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
The c**... was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine
The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first
I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.
But, no one else would get it.
Yo mama's so fat
she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops
bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.
He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
An underage weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."
The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"
The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else
Click bait.
Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?
Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.
Pregnant girlfriend
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn
He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
If light travels faster than the speed of sound...
how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.
Dirty b**....
I couldn't find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...
Apparently, she left me two days ago...
Why does the blonde have smudges on the inside of her windshield?
She needs to drag her finger across the words as she's reading street signs.
Note: I just made this up. However, please tell me if someone else has a similar one.
I asked my Welsh mate how many s**... partners he's had.
He started counting and fell asleep.
Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?
Everyone else is forbiden
I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.
She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.
Virginity is like a car
Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either
Wife: "Who's the new Batman?" | Me: "Robert Pattinson"
Wife: "So vampires do turn into bats."
(I have no idea if she heard this elsewhere, but I def laughed at breakfast.)
The traffic jam in Russia.
There is a massive traffic jam somewhere in Russia. A driver sits idling in his car.
Suddenly a man approaches and knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Putin and are asking for a 20 million rubel ransom!
Otherwise, they are going to douse him in gasoline and set him on fire!"
The man continues "We are going from car to car taking up a collection."
The driver asks "Okay, how much is everyone else giving?"
The man replies "Oh, about a gallon or so."
My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."
Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else
Click bait
"When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat..."
the vowels."
Friend: "Why?"
Me: "Sometimes."
I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...
Apparently she left me two days ago.
My daughter said she needed adult supervision
I told her she'd have to find someone else because I wear corrective lenses
There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.
They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.
The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."
The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.
The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent, they were three and we were two and I buck one and Tim buck two."
I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels
She didn't know I existed
A Russian Tourist Travels Abroad.
Border guard: Nationality?
Tourist: Russian.
Border guard: Occupation?
Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time.
I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be saved or else you'll burn
s**... firemen
A shy cowboy goes into a bar
*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking c**... sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"
I saw a TV for sale for 1$
I saw that the TV was in very good condition.
"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller
"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied
"So everything else works?" I asked
He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume
"So you're gonna buy it?"
"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"
What does a church in Helsinki have in common with Mortal Kombat?
Finnish Hymn!!
Most gun duels in the old west could have been prevented.
If only the city planners had made towns big enough for everyone.
When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying.
I know how it feels to grow up without a father!
I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex
Now she should understand what rejection feels like.
Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.
There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton
Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.
I hate cops.
What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?
They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.
(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.
As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't see what's wrong with sharing a good joke for others to enjoy. :/
A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.
A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.
Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bruises.
"What's the matter?" asked the man's wife.
"I lost my job as a bus driver."
A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion
when the rabbi asked "Could you ever be promoted withing your church?"
The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop."
The rabbi asked, "And then?"
The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal."
The rabbi again asked, "And then?"
The priest again pondered the question before responding "Then I would become Pope!"
The rabbi, still unsatisfied, asked "And then?"
The priest, exasperated, cried "What else could I become? God Himself!?"
The rabbi quietly responded "One of our boys made it"
I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"
I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."
I went to a restaurant.
It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away
The problem with kissing a perfect 10
Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.
My blind wife left me
At least she isn't seeing anyone else
What nationality were Adam and Eve?
Soviet, of course. Who else would walk around barefoot and n**..., have one apple to share between them, and think they were in Paradise?
Norm MacDonald died today
When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.
He read it out loud: E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are d**...!
RIP Norm.
Stung...
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
"I've been stung by a n**... insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."
Oh No! Not ELON!
Man is driving along the freeway when he is stopped by a huge traffic jam.
After sitting there for quite a long time, he sees another man walking from car-to-car.
The second man finally gets up to his car. He rolls down the window....
"Hey man, what's going on up ahead?"
"It's awful! Terrorists have stopped Elon Musk's limo! They are saying if they don't get $10 million dollars, they are going to burn him alive! So, I'm out here collecting donations."
"That's terrible! How much have you collected so far?"
"Ten gallons. But everyone else is still siphoning...."
The history of the c**....
In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first c**... using a sheeps lower intestine.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.
~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.
Kids are like farts...
I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.
A student comes to a young professor's office hours...
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
A man walks into a bar
and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:
"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"
The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:
"Nah, the stakes are too high."
I think my local garage is ripping me off...
does anyone else think £500 for a Tesla exhaust is a lot?
I asked my Welsh friend how many times he'd had s**......
He started counting then fell asleep.
A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.
What's the leading cause of dry skin
...towels
Credits:dads
I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty
Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth
Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people
I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.
Dad peels banana...
When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...
Dad:
peels the first s**... of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second s**......
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"
Me: "What happened to the Four skin"
Dad: "Jewish banana"
I was twelve and I finally figured it out....
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?
Someone else's pants on.
My grandfathers favorite joke.
I'm a v**... by choice.
Not my choice, but everyone else's.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
...I'll see myself out.
Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
Three Engineers are having an argument...
The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"
Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.
Oxytocin is known to increase e**... vocalizations during s**.... Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.
It's a very powerful w**...-moan.
What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheels, wooden seats, and a wooden engine?
It wooden go.
In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.
Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?
A: A hole
Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?
A: Post office
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin
Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?
A: A fence
Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope
Say what you like about Donald Trump..
But he's doing more than anyone else in the world to stop Donald Trump from being elected president.
A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.
"What'll ya have?" he asks.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.
So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.
His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.
"Yuck! It tastes awful, worse than awful!" she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go!" cries the husband. "And you think I am out enjoying myself every night!"
A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...
"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."
"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."