Elizabeths Jokes
95 elizabeths jokes and hilarious elizabeths puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about elizabeths that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Elizabeths Short Jokes
Short elizabeths jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The elizabeths humour may include short jokes also.
- If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.
- Queen Elizabeth II may have made it to 96 before she died... But Princess Diana made it to 120
- King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did. Because the Queen could go any distance but the king can only move one space at a time.
- King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records: The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.
- In the UK most people complain about the bad weather... In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.
- What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip? You die in a car accident in Paris.
- What do you get if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip? killed in a french tunnel.
- Following the death of Queen Elizabeth, prince andrew has been given the role of looking after the corgis. At least they will be well groomed.
- I was going to make a pun about Elizabeth the 1st's menstrual cycle... But I don't like making period jokes, because not everyone gets them.
- Over 100 Coronavirus cases have been reported on the British Navy's flagship HMS Queen Elizabeth. Other ships in the fleet have been told to keep their distance as it's a carrier.
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Elizabeths One Liners
Which elizabeths one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with elizabeths? I can suggest the ones about and .
- How does Queen Elizabeth win a game of poker? She goes to the bathroom.
- Queen Elizabeth may have lived to be 102, but Diana got up to 120 when she died.
- Why does noone laugh when Queen Elizabeth farts? Coz noble gases have no reactions.
- I just named my new Jeep, "Elizabeth Warren." It's white. But it claims to be a Cherokee.
- What do you get when you cross Pocahontas with a Naturopath? Elizabeth Warren
- Why does Queen Elizabeth play poker on the toilet? So she always gets a Royal Flush.
- Tim Kaine is a really weird way to spell Elizabeth Warren. The title is the punchline.
- I named my Jeep "Elizabeth Warren" It's white, but still apparently still a Cherokee
- Why does no one react when Queen Elizabeth farts? Because noble gases got no reactions.
- What is Elizabeth Warren's Native American name? Lying Female Dog.
- How does Elizabeth Warren answer the phone? Hi how are yaa hi how are yaa
- Elizabeth Warren got her DNA tests back.... and she is not the father
- Elizabeth Warren's DNA Results Showed that she was 100% Naive American
- How do you say Elizabeth Warren's name in Spanish? Unpocopocohantas
- Why did Queen Elizabeth I suffocate to death? Because she had no heir.
Elizabeths Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about elizabeths you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make elizabeths pranks.
A Sentimental Robber
A robber goes into a house to, well, rob the place. There he finds a man and his wife. He goes to the woman and says, "I will have to kill you. What's your name?" She replies, "E...E...Elizabeth." "I can't kill you, that's my grandmothers name!" said the robber. He looks at the man and asks for his name. The man replies, "Jim, but uhhh most people call me **Elizabeth**."
Why Are Firetrucks Red?
Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 men.
4 + 8 = 12
There are 12 inches in a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth was a ruler.
There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas.
Fish live in the seas.
Fish have fins.
People from Finland are called Fins.
Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago.
Russia has red on its flag.
And that's why they're red.
Cause they're always *russian* around.
It would be terrifying if Elizabeth I were alive today...
... Because she's dead.
Note: Credit goes to my dryly-sarcastic history professor.
I’ve only just noticed this hand.
“Is it someone saying, ‘You’ll regret this photograph?”
That’s Prince Andrew’s hand!
A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth.
The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver.
my black friend just got denied an interview for a job. they told him straight up they wouldn't hire a black man.
I said in disbelief, "which company was that? we must report them!"
he replied, "It was an audition for the role of Queen Elizabeth"
I can't figure out if I'm being sexist...
...but the only Bush I want to see in the White House is Elizabeth Warren's.
I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II
...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures.
My Wife won't like it
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very s**... and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"
I went to go see some drag queens tonight.
In the end, they couldn't get Elizabeth off the floor, but it was sure fun to watch them try.
The Queen Elizabeth doesn't have one. The Pope has one, yet he does not use it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big, and Brad Pitt's is small. What am I talking about?
A last name, you pervs.
What's Lisbeth's twin sister's name who enjoys spending time on the internet?...
...Elizabeth.
A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...
It read as follows:
---
*Michael*,
*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*
*Love, Elizabeth*
*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*
---
The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:
---
*Elizabeth,*
*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*
*Take care, Michael*
So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...
... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely a**.... So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.
So an Indian and an African walk into a bar....
Just kidding... its Elizabeth Warren and Rachel Dolezal
What are Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Theresa May doing in a room together?
...playing bridge.
Two nuns in the park...
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to s**... assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!"
Donald Trump is the most unifying voice in American politics.
When was the last time Barack Obama, Paul Ryan, Jon Stewart, Glenn Beck, Bernie Sanders, George Bush, Elizabeth Warren, Mitt Romney, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, John McCain, and Hillary Clinton all agreed on anything?
Queen Elizabeth and dolly parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a d**... bottle and douches herself.
St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.
St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.
I just read a post about Queen Elizabeth II, and something struck me as odd...
After spending 65 years on the throne, I suppose she's the most constipated ruler ever.
Queen Elizabeth may have died at 102 years old
but Princess Diana got to 120 when she died.
What would you need to silence the entire Republican Party?
An Elizabeth Warrant
Duchess kate middleton asks Queen Elizabeth whats the secret for a long life?
Elizabeth : Whatever you do,Kate, just dont leave William for a p**...
When Queen Elizabeth dies there will be two days of mourning.
One for the f**... and one for the coronation.
What did renowned Little Shop of Horrors fan, Queen Elizabeth, say to Patrick Stewart at his knighting ceremony?
Kneel, Patrick Stewart.
Donald Trump is visiting Queen Elizabeth.
Mr Trump turns to Queen Elizabeth and says "I want to be a King."
Liz says "Ahh but you do not have a kingdom."
Don says "What about a prince?"
Liz says "Ahh but you do not have a principality."
Don says "A duke then?"
Liz says "Ahh but you do not have a duchy."
Don asks "Well what can I be?"
Liz says "Well I think a country suits you well."
Why are firetrucks red?
Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always Russian" around.
What do you get when you cross Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip?
You get killed in a car accident.
So I bought my nation's world cup match tickets
But cause i'm unlucky the match will be held on the same day as my wedding, so if anyone is interested go to Hilton hotel, Her name is Elizabeth.
Queen Elizabeth and Sir David Attenborough...
Queen Elizabeth and Sir David Attenborough are walking through the gardens at Buckingham Palace, when they come across a sundial in the shade of a tree.
The Queen: Maybe we could move it...
Attenborough: Depends whether you want to know the time or not.
The Queen: Best leave it be then, as a joke. The best jokes are timeless, after all.
Does Queen Elizabeth like Nintendo?
Of course, she uses the royal Wii.
Why does Queen Elizabeth's toilet do so well in poker games?
Because it's got a royal flush.
Last week I let my neighbor borrow
my lawnmower. Today I asked for it back and he had the audacity to call me an Elizabeth Warren giver.
Trump must make good on his word and pay up to Elizabeth Warren for being Native American
All $15,625 of it
I am a gigabyte, said the megabyte.
But you're only 1/1024th of a gigabtye.
Good enough for Elizabeth Warren.
Elizabeth Warren: "Sometimes I feel like a teepee. Sometimes I feel like a wigwam."
Psychiatrist: "You're two tense."
I just bought a JEEP and named her "Elizabeth Warren"
Because it's all white but it says it's a Cherokee on the side of it.
Elizabeth Warren's DNA proved that the only WHITER
Person then her in America is Rachel Doleza !!!!
Elizabeth Warren just said that she also got a bomb in the mail.
The FBI investigated and said it was a firecracker.
Elizabeth Warren now claims it was 1/1024th of a bomb.
Michelob Ultra joke
Elizabeth Warren: Michelob Ultra is the club soda of beers.
Stephen Colbert: They’re both f**... close to water.
The president of America, the president of Russia, and the Queen of England are playing cards.
Elizabeth the Second lays a full house and sips daintily upon a cup of tea. A Russian agent puts a finger to his ear momentarily and approaches the table with a sleek briefcase, which Putin opens to reveal a marvelous hand. Donald then smiles and shows five trump cards.
Why is Elizabeth Warren really running for president?
She will finally get to be called Chief.
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to h**....
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a h**...-hole, so it's a local call."
Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi
My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:
Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses f**....
Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, the Queen apologizes to Indira Gandhi, "I'm sorry," she said.
Indira Gandhi replied, "Oh that's okay. But I thought it was the horse!"
Why are Fire Trucks red?
Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and eight plus four is twelve, and there are 12 inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and firetrucks are always russian around.
Old Age Fun
Told to me by my 80 year old mother. Elizabeth and Gladys were stuck in an older folks home and bored to tears. So they decided to have a little fun and excitement. They go into the closet and s**... n**.... Then they run through the card room were two old fellas are playing cards. Tom saids to Jim why did you see that? Jim says yes... well what did they have on?.... I don't know, but it sure needed ironed
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.
We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened
Noble gases should have no reaction
Do you know why firetrucks are red?
Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 people.
4+8=12
There are 12 inches in a ruler
Queen Elizabeth is a ruler
There was a ship named Queen Elizabeth
Ships sail on seas
Seas have fish
Fish have fins
People from Finland are Finns
Finland and Russia border each other
Russians are red
Firetrucks are always Russian around
A happily married couple
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"My name is Elizabeth, but my friends call me Liz," the woman replied.The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?""My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
Why are fire trucks red?
Because they have eight wheels and four people, and eight plus four is twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler, but queen Elizabeth is also a ship, and ships sail the seas, and seas have fish, and fish have fins, and the Fins fought the Russians, Russians are red, and fire trucks are always russhing around
So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity
He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"
what's the difference between queen Elizabeth and Paul walker
Paul walker made it to 100 before he died.
Queen Elizabeth arrives to Heaven ...
St Peter lets her in and gives her a tour around the heavenly garden.
-Here are all your family members, previous pets and people of historical significance during your reign.
Liz looks around this multitude of people who wave at her, smiling. Suddenly she stops and calls St.Peter aside.
-What the F***?, Diana has a bigger halo than me!! I reigned for decades, saw my country trough wars and depressions and wars again, gave god, freedom and peace to nations all around the world, surely I deserve a bigger halo than her!!
-Your Majesty, that is a steering wheel...
Shortly after creating them, God is introducing Adam and Eve to The Garden.
"These are the trees and bushes that bear fruit for you to eat. These are the bodies of water, for you to drink from. These are the animals, for you to name. And this is the forbidden fruit, which you must never eat."
"And what's that?" says Eve, pointing to something on her left.
"Oh that?" says God, realizing Eve is pointing at Queen Elizabeth. "I don't know, that was there when I got here."
^Just ^a ^joke ^I ^heard ^a ^long ^time ^ago, ^which ^felt ^relevant ^today. ^RIP