Elf Jokes

What are some Elf jokes?

What's the rudest kind of elf? Nsfw

A go fuckyourself

A human, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar...

The Hobbit laughs and walks under it.

What's the rudest type of Elf?

The GofuckyoursELF

An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...

All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.

"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are always a little short anyway."

Why did the elf have to play with Mega Bloks?

Because he was Legoless

What sort of elf lives in a can?

A sprite

When is an elf not an elf?

When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.

What do you call a workplace accident at the North Pole?

Shelf on the elf.

I like to imagine my fingers as the races of Middle Earth...

The thumb is the dwarf because it's stout

The pinkie is the hobbit because it's diminutive

The index is the elf because it's the most dexterous

The ring is the human because they were given the most rings

And the middle is the orc... because it's the rudest

D&D Jokes

Some jokes I've picked up for my Jester character:

* A human, a half orc, and an elf walk into a bar. The dwarf walks under it.

* Two gnolls are sitting in the woods eating lunch. One says "Man, i hate my wife" and the other one says "Then just eat the salad".

* What do you call a ranger without an animal companion? A virgin.

* What do you call 1 gnome at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 10 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 1000 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call EVERY SINGLE GNOME IN THE UNIVERSE at the bottom of the ocean? problem solved.

* What did the courier say when asked what his favorite armor type is? "I'm a mail man"

* How many Paladins does it take to light a candle? Two, one to light the wick, and another to "uphold the light".

* Why are monks the best lovers? Flurry of Blows.

What do you call an elf with a personal trainer?


You've heard of Elf on a Shelf, but have you heard...

Jeffrey Epstein definitely didn't kill himself.

What's the best thing about working for Santa Claus?

Universal elf care.

Which elf was the best singer?

Elfis Presley

(I'll get my coat)

Santa was working

And year after year, his workshop got expensive, so he started phasing out the elves with trolls. The trolls were larger and not quite as smart, but they were way cheaper and about 75% as effective. Santa didn't fire any elves, but as they got old and retired, he replaced them with trolls. Over the years there came to be one single old elf that continued to hold on and work, which Santa allowed. The trolls resented him because he made a lot more for doing what they though to be the same quality of work. They went on strike. After a few days, Santa sat them down, told them to stop striking, and exclamed, "Stop this now! A house divided against its elf cannot stand."

I think I'm ready to declare Elf of the year already:

Epstein didn't kill hims Elf.

why was santa's little helper so depressed?

he had low elf esteem!

What do you get when you mix an elf and a scientologist?

Elrond Hubbard!

So an elf walks into an animal shelter...

...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.

On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk. The elf shakes his head, and moves on to the next cage.

"What type is this one?" he asks. "A German Shepherd and Beagle cross," replies the clerk. Again, the elf shakes his head, and walks to the third and final cage.

"What type is this one?" he asks again. "That's a Pointer and Irish Setter cross," says the clerk. The elf nods his head vigorously, and adopts the animal immediately.

Mystified, the clerk's assistant asks, "Why did he chose that one?" the clerk laughs, and replies, "It was a Point-Setter."

An Elf, an Orc, and a Dragonborn walk into a bar...

There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf

Mensch on a bench

This one's for the D&D players. A human, an elf and a dragonborn walk into a bar.

The gnome and halfling walk underneath perfectly fine.

Ice Bank Mice Elf

(repeat this 10 times fast)

My great uncle Chuck started the elf on a shelf tradition.

Well, actually, he was a drunk on a bunk, but we toned it down for the kids.

What did Han Solo say to the Keebler elf who complained he couldn't understand Chewbacca?

Sorry friend, that's the way the Wookiee mumbles.

What do you call an Elf that sings?

A wrapper!

Merry Christmas.

I hope you got what you wished for. ( อกยฐ อœส– อกยฐ)

Why was Santa forced to shut his grotto?

He was being investigated by the Elf and Safety Executive.

Only 341 days 'til Christmas!

The elf in the Fellowship of the Ring must not have had that great of a childhood.

Since there's no plastic in Middle Earth, he was lego-less

Why did Santa have to close his toy factory?

Elf and safety!

What do you call a selfish elf?


in india, muslim guy used to get divorce just bay saying the word 'talaq' 3 times. i found a joke based on it.

Wife: What I really hate about this house is the lack...

Husband: the lack....

Wife: the lack!

Husband: the lack?

Wife: yeah the lack of...

Husband: the lack o-

Wife: aye Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf

Husband: Damnnnnnn Fatima.

Here in about 50 years, when Harry Potter is on its 5th reboot, this time with an all house elf cast, the author will be

J. K. Rowling over in her grave.

I saw a garden elf

On the subway today muttering to himself click.... click.... click.... click....

He was a metro gnome.

Santa's Jokes

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.

Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.

Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.

Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!

I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.

Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.

Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

How do you enslave a house elf?

By doing its laundry.

What does a diabetic elf need?


What do you call a singing elf

A wrapper

By taking into account this year's string of sexual accusations, I can say with confidence that...

...it was nice knowing you Mr. Claus. But seriously, why that elf???

AG Sessions is a Keebler elf isolationist

and he is afraid weed is making cookies too mainstream

What did the dragon say to the elf?

You have heard of elf on a shelf ? now we have.....

Pell in a cell

What do you call an elf that won't shut up?


How many elves does a german santa have?


Eomer gets off of his horse and says, "What business does an elf, a man and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?"

A nearby horseman answers, "Ooh! Ooh! I know this one!"

Why was Santa sacked two days before Christmas?

Elf and safety

What do you call an elf singer?

Elvish Presley

The place I store my loud elf

Shhh elf

What body regulates the welfare of Santa's workers?

The Elf and Saftey Executive.

Clown on the shelf

Works waaaay better than a stupid elf.

How did the elf greet the hooker?

Hi ho

How to make Elf jokes?

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