election Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious election puns

The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

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"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"

"Mister President, we've been over this..."

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Roy Moore Election results are coming in.

He is only in the teens.

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Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

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Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

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Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election

She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

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What is the difference between Clinton and Putin?

Putin can win a rigged election.

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Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

Because everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle

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What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

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This election has been a bit like watching porn...

The hype was fun but now it's over I'm disgusted by what I'm watching.

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No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.ο»Ώ

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With all this media coverage about the clowns...

I'll be so glad when the election is over.

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Hillary's mad at Satan

Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me?

Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?

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Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

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Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

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Election Day Drinking Game:

Every time Donald Trump is elected President, we all drink and just never stop.

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I think I'll vote the NSA for president...

...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election.

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The worst part of this election...

...isn't that Donald Trump won, but that fucking Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.

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Viagra was banned in China by the government.

They don't want to admit they have election problems.

(Bad but OC)

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They should pass out condoms at the election

That way the American people can at least be safe when they're fucked

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I Hear that Russia is so mad about the US airstrike in syria

That they are seriously considering voting democratic in the next election.

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If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.

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Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

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The Word Election and Erection Are Spelt Similarly. They also have the same meaning

A dick rising to power!

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Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

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An average American voter walks into a bar ...

... and sees Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton huddled together at the end of the bar, whispering to one another. Intrigued, the voter approaches the pair and asks them what they are doing.

"We're planning the 2016 election," brags Trump.

"What's going to be different about it this year?" the voter asks.

"Well," Clinton replies, "We're going to rig the vote count and put me in office, as well as delete a few of my emails."

"What's so important about these emails that they've got to be deleted?" inquires the voter, eyeing the two suspiciously.

"See!" Clinton exclaims, turning towards Trump, "I told you no one would care if we rigged the election."

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What's the same about an election and an erection?

They're only one letter different, and both are about a dick rising to power.

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Hillary and Trump tie in the election...

And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".

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As a Hilary supporter in Colorado, I'm still happy with the outcome of the election.

Since proposition 106 passed I can legally kill myself now that trump won.

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Trump called Putin to congratulate him on winning the election.

Putin said, 'Thanks, but why have you waited for over a year?

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I really don't think Roy Moore will win the Alabama Senate election.

He'll probably come in a little behind.

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With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

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Are you circumcised?

A man walks into the Election office in Manchester and says to the Receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an independent candidate".

Receptionist: "Certainly sir, no problem. Please fill in this Form".

He was filling the Form until he came to the question: ''Are you circumcised?"

So he asked the Receptionist: "Is that question necessary?"

Receptionist:
"If you are circumcised you are not eligible".

He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?

Receptionist: "To become a genuine politician, you have to be a complete prick".

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Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

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Appropriate for Election Season

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and asks his profession. The man says he was a politician. "Ah," says St. Peter, "then you may choose whether you would like to go to heaven or hell. You may spend one week in heaven, then one week in hell. At the end of the two weeks, you may decide where you would likes to spend the rest of eternity."

So the man goes first to heaven. Everyone sits around peacefully strumming their harps and lounging on clouds. It's pleasant, but not much exciting happens, and no one he knows is there. The man thinks to himself, "man, heaven isn't all it's cracked up to be."

Next, the man goes to hell. He's greeted upon arrival by all his old political cronies and pals, they play golf, grill out, drink beer, and party late into the night all week long. The man is surprised. "Damn," he thinks, "hell is a lot better than I thought!"

He returns to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter once again meets him. "Your two weeks are up," the angel says, "where have you chosen to go?" "Well, shocked as I am to say this," the politician confesses, "I think I'd rather go to hell."

"No problem," St. Peter says, and the man is instantly transported to hell. But it is not how he remembered. It's hot and miserable, and everyone is screaming in pain. "Satan," he bemoans, "what happened? When I was here before, everything was great!" Satan shrugs and says, "the campaign's over."

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"Ugh, I hate this time of month," she said. "It's like I've got the 2000 election in my pants..."

"'cuz there's Bush and there's Gore."

[OC] NSFW

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BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump does not accept presidential election...

Says he doesn't want to move into an estate which previously had black tenants.

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Sleeping with POTUS

The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "...this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the
President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked,.."...so how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed
to go over there?"

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If Trump wins the election

*Orange* is the new *Black*

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At least in 4 years

we'll be able to look back at this election with 2020 vision.

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This Election Day will be like a dinner date with Bill Cosby.

When you wake up, you just know something bad happened.

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Obama walks into a bar.....

Some time passes after the 2016 US Presidential election, and Barack Obama passes away from old age. He gets bored after a while in heaven, and asks God if he can return to Earth for a while to see how the good ole' US of A is turning out. God agrees.

Obama returns to Brooklyn, and walks into a bar, ordering a beer. He asks the barkeep "How's the country? How are foreign affairs? Any problems currently being faced?"

"Oh, nothing at all, sir. We're an empire now. We're successful."

"But what about Iraq and Afghanistan? Those were terrorist hotspots not too long ago?"

"We control it now. We're an empire. Everything is good."

"But what about Europe, Asia, and their financial crises?"

"That too has been taken care of. We are now finally an empire."

Pleased at the outlook of the country he once led, Obama asks the bartender for the bill:

"65 rubles, sir", replies the bartender.

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Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Election

It's almost as if he doesn't understand that no means no!

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My poetic look on the election

Roses are Red.
Violets are Blue.
Damn it, America!
What the fuck did you do?!

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Election Day was the perfect day to go see Doctor Strange...

I got to experience a scary bizarro world were sanity was cast aside and the laws of nature were twisted to the breaking point, and I also went to a movie.

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Why does Donald Trump secretly not want to win the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

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To teach my kids about the election I let them vote for dinner.

They voted for pizza so I made tacos to teach them their vote doesn't matter anyway.

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Donald Trump secretly wants to lose the election?

If he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

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Election and erection are spelled very similarly.

They also have similar meanings, a dick rising to power.

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This year's presidential election is like 69ing someone...

...no matter who comes out on top, you'll be looking at an asshole.

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With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ...

... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.

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Election & Erection are spelled almost the same.

They both mean the same thing too: A dick rising to power.

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Before leaving for the convention center on Election night, Hilary told Bill: "Tonight, for the first time in history, America will finally have two presidents sleeping with each other"...

When she got home, Bill was already eagerly waiting in bed, and he said:

"Is Trump on his way or should I drive to his place?"

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Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided...

...if I should move to Canada or New Zealand.

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It's looking like Hillary is definitely going to win the election

I think I might move to Benghazi, at least she'll leave me alone there.

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Putin's top official comes to him after the election...

"You won with 99% of the vote! Only 1% if Russia voted against you! What more could you want?" The officer said overjoyed.

Putin stared at him. "Their names."

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Election results are coming in from Warsaw

So we'll soon see who's leading the Poles.

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If a Republican candidate who is hated by the GOP establishment and loathed by half the country just won the election...

...maybe Hillary should consider running as a Republican!

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Thank god this election is over.

.....I almost forgot what real commercials were like.

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Before the election, I told myself that I would leave the country if Trump got elected.

Well, I did it, and it only took 11 months for the immigration officials to find me.

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On the bright side of the election

There hasn't been a presidential assassination in a while.

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Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.

If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

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With elections coming soon, my coworker asked me who my favorite president was.

I said JFK, because he's so open-minded.

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Is your refrigerator running?

Because if your fridge is moving on its own volition you have bigger fucking problems than the goddamn election

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The winner of tonight's election is...

the Voyager space probe which is currently traveling at 62,137 km per hour away from the Earth into interstellar space.

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Putin recently won the Russian election with a 76.6% majority...

Oddly enough 23.4% of Russian citizens were found poisoned a few days afterwards

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A vegan, a bitcoin trader, and someone who didn't vote in 2016 election all walk into a bar

Who tells you about it first?

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Putin is sitting at his desk, waiting upon the results of the recent election

An election official walks in and announces himself.

"Mr. Putin, I have good news and bad news. Which would you prefer to hear first?"

"Let me hear the good news first", Putin says.

"Okay, good news is that you've won the election! Congratulations!"

"And the bad news?"

"Nobody voted for you."

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Two opposing candidates for county office...

... happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

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Not saying there is a direct correlation between Trump's election...

But the Chinese did say this would be the year of the Cock ages ago!

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A lot of people keep saying to me Trump cheated the election.

Well, honestly we shouldn't be Russian to collusion's.

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Russian Elections

Ministry of Russian election announcement: Elections of Vladimir Putin will commence as planned in 2018.

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In the latest federal North Korean election, Kim Jung Un won 100% of the vote.

A landslide victory against his sole competitor: "*Or else*".

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UK General Election

In April, May said "June!"

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Woohoo! Donald Trump won the presidential election!

As a Clinton voter I'm not happy that he won, just happy that I'm not Mexican

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Everybody should be free to vote in a general election. Everybody should be free to vote in the X factor.

Nobody should be able to vote in both.

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What's the difference between the US election and sex?

During sex it's fun to choose between asshole and cunt.

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A Chinese went to a temple and asked a monk: "Who will win the United States presidential election?" The monk point his finger towards a dog shit...

The Chinese was confused and asked the monk: "Did you mean both of them are shits? Or the shittiest one will win?"

The monk replied: "It means, I don't give a shit."

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Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election.

She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

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What did the zeros say after the election?

He will not divide us

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With the election coming close, I trust Bill Clinton the most...

He always picked someone other than Hillary, so I will too.

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I think I have to call my doctor.

This election has lasted four hours more than usual, and this dickhead is not going down anytime soon.

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"Election" and "erection" actually have the same meaning.

They're both about a dick rising to power.

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If Hillary won the election she would have become the first F president.

I said F because someone deleted the emale.

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Democrats have been really angry over the 2016 election results

The last time Democrats were THIS angry is when the Republicans took their slaves away

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If Hillary Clinton wins the election I am moving to Benghazi.

At lest I know she will leave me alone there.

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The election of Donald Trump is proof that we live in a computer simulation

We found a bug!

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If the 2008 election was about Hope and Change, what is 2016?

Fear and Loathing.

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What is the biggest joke in the world as of now?

The current US presidential election

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I kinda want Hillary to win the US election

Just for the sheer irony of her sitting at the desk Monica was under.

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If Trump wins the election and replaces President Obama...

...orange will be the new black.

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A joke from Korea

"Americans are saying that in 2016, they will either have their first woman president, or their first insane president.

Like what's the big deal? Korea did both in one election cycle back in 2012"

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Trumps election win is like his erection

He keeps on telling us that it was large, magnificent, and very hard. But we all know it was small, pathetic, and needed a little assistance to happen.

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[Russian Joke] What will the results of the next election be?

No one knows! The results were stolen from the Politburo just last night!

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Not sure if this is the right place to post, but after the US election results from last night, I need help creating a new dating website. It will help desperate American men and women find love in Canada.

It'll be called ehHarmony

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As a brown person in the US...

People would yell at me to get out of their country and I would get offended and feel attacked.

After election 2016, I just reply, "thanks for the concern! You should too!"

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Trump said two years ago, during the 2016 election . . .

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.

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If Trump wins the election, I am moving out of the country...

Goodbye America, hello Hawaii!

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After winning the election, Donald Trump has already started with his racist agenda...

He's already kicking a black family out of their own home.

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Who always wins the insect election?

The lesser of two weevils.

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I don't understand why it's so hard for people in the US to get out and vote

If North Korea had an election I bet at least 300% of the population would cast a vote for Kim Jong-un

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When Roy Moore lost the election he went straight to the liquor store.

He heard they had a 14-year-old Brandy.

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Civil war

To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn't want any guns.

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What do Ted Cruz and an impotent Japanese man have in common?

Neither can achieve an election

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I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year...

Now, it's Election night.

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What do horses hope for on election day?

A stable economy

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Trump did great, but...

...imagine how much he would have won by if Clinton hadn't rigged the election.

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Why would Donald Trump want to lose the election?

Winning means he'd need to live in a smaller house in a black neighborhood

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Congratulations to Justin Trudeau on the results of the Canadian Election

He always did want to be a minority.

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Why is Roy Moore so mad about the election anyways?

He normally likes coming in a little behind.

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Why is this election historic?

It's the first time we're guaranteed there'll be a cunt in the oval office.

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To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election!

It's called President Evil.

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What breed will Donald Trumps dog be if he wins the election?

A Border Collie

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Despite the fact she is a Democrat, Monica Lewinsky decided to vote for Trump in the last election...

....she said to her friend, "I'd like to vote for Hillary, but the last Clinton left a very foul taste in my mouth."

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Hillary Clinton says to the Devil, "What happened? You promised me that I'd win the election?"

The Devil replies, "Yeah, and you promised me a soul."

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Why did the president of the Asian porn star club lose his job?

Because he lost his election.

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Monica Lewinsky is voting for Donald Trump

Monica Lewinsky is voting for Donald Trump in the 2016 Presidential Election, because the last time a Clinton was in office, it left a bad taste in her mouth.

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No matter who wins the election they are going to have a build a wall on the southern border

of Canada.

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Who's going to lose the upcoming election?

Society.

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This year's presidential election shares the same tagline as the 2004 movie "Alien versus Predator".

"Whoever wins... We lose."

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Election One-Liner

Looks like the Democrats were holding strong in the Midwest until the republicans got off work..

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What does an election and an erection have in common with each other?

They're only one letter different, and both are about a dick rising to power.

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What does the day of election and Taco Tuesday have in common?

So much shit is going down today.

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What's the difference between a Democrat and a Republican?

The election year.

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Think of this election like turning on a racetrack

You do have two decisions but it probably won't be right.

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Why did Donald Trump win Florida in the Presidential Election?

Floridians have seen the positive effect an Orange can have on the economy.

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This Election

Being forced to choose between Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump is like being forced to choose between bad hemorrhoids and rectal cancer; one is clearly worse than the other but they're both still a huge pain in your ass.

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I guess we can call the next election, "the hindsight election."

Because it will be 2020.

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The Baby Boomers decided to leave us with one last present.

This Presidential election.

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Why did Roy Moore lose the election?

There's a minimum age for voting

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Just found out there is a whole series on Netflix about this year's election results.

Orange is the new black.

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People are wondering who will win the 2016 Presidential election, but I already know who will win the next election.

That's because I've got 2020 vision.

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Made in Thailand

Have you heard of the mountain climber from Bangkok?

He became famous as the Thai of the Eiger.

~

Who won the election for mayor of Bangkok?

It was a Thai.

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Junk foods are so versatile!

A bag of Lays can be used as fuel for a fire in an emergency, you can have finger sword fights with Bugles, and now, a Cheeto has won the United States Presidential Election!

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What do you call someone who lost an election by 2 million votes?

Mr. President.

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The U.S Election is Kind of Like an Attractive Bisexual

Because whether they go with a man or a woman, you know they're fucked.

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What's the difference between Hillary's staff and Bill's staff?

Bill's staff waited until after the election to suck.

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How did the Democrats feel about the results of Georgia's special election ?

The just couldn't Handel the loss. They had worked their Ossof for it.

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If you're upset about the presidential election, just wait four years

then you'll be able to choose between Trump or Kanye

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There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.

Glass was becoming the clear winner.

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Fan's of Marvel should be happy with the election results.

Looks like you'll be getting a Civil War sequel much earlier than anticipated.

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Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser for the upcoming election. Worn out from being in the spotlight, he propositions a hooker and heads to a hotel room. Once inside, they rip their clothes off and start making out. She throws him on the bed and seductively asks "Do you enjoy felacio?" He looks at her with a blank face:

"Man, can't anyone cut me a break?"

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White House call the Washington Police. "There's a crazy man in the White House and we don't know how he got here!"

The police operator responds, "yeah, we know; we've been wondering about that ourselves ever since the election."

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How do you know Putin's doing well this election?

He's taking over the Poles.

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Everyone who kept saying they couldn't wait for this election to be over is responsible for Trump winning.

They were Russian it.

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(NSFW) The 2016 Presidential election was like lesbian porn.

Always fun to watch two pussies try to fuck each other, but it would have been better with a Johnson on top.

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Why will Congress never impeach Hillary Clinton?

Because she didn't win the election.

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Seriously guys. We had a fair election. Stop protesting and trying to stop him from being our leader. He's your leader now, so deal with it.

...said the Nazis to the Jews.

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If there's one good thing about the election of Trump, it's the greatly lowered odds of being attacked by Russia.

After all, they're not going to key their own car.

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"Mr. Obama, how exactly does someone impeach a president?" "The american people have made their decision. To suggest we impeach a president before he's had a chance is an outrage! Regardless of your opinions and the flawed system we're under the election was held fair and square...

...Now would you *please* stop asking that, Mr. Trump?"

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What are the best Election puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Election? Well, here are the best jokes about Election to have fun with.

Joko Jokes