Elderly Marriage Jokes
12 elderly marriage jokes and hilarious elderly marriage puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about elderly marriage that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Elderly Marriage Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.
What is a good elderly marriage joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...
"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."
"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food for both of us."
A few minutes later, the students again notice that the only elderly man is eating while his wife sits in still silence.
"Perhaps we could get that meal for you after all?" another student asks sheepishly. To which the woman replies:
"Oh no, it's fine. I'm waiting for my turn with the dentures."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you feel about s**...?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about s**...?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
A Priest congratulates the elderly married couple for 60 yrs of marriage...
"So, how'd you do it?" the Priest asks the elderly man. "Any wisdom you give might help some of our younger parishioners who are just recently married."
The man pauses and thinks for a minute. He answers matter-of-factly, "Going out to dinner twice a week saved our marriage."
The priest nodded and then raised an eyebrow. "Twice a week? That's got to be pretty expensive!"
"Not at all," said the old man. "She goes out on Thursdays, and I go out on Sundays."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly couple had been dating for some time.
Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s**...?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Was that one word or two?"
The mystery of the Last son [long]
A man had four sons. The elder three were tall, muscular and blonde. The fourth son was a brunette and lanky.
The man always questioned if the last son was his. It would eat him inside. But to keep the sanctity of his marriage and family he never bought the topic up.
On his deathbed, he held his wife close and asked her "Darling, is the last child mine? Be truthful so I can die a peaceful death."
The wife replied "Yes dear. He is your own flesh and blood."
The husband breathed his last, content with a smile on his face.
His wife, wiping her tears, felt relieved he didn't ask about the other three.
A Woman on her Deathbed
An elderly woman is laying on her deathbed with her husband at her side.
"Honey", she says, "I want to show you something. Go in to the closet and take down the box from the top shelf."
So her husband goes and does as he is asked and opens the box to find two handmade dolls and five thousand dollars in cash.
"Dear, what is this?" he asks his wife.
She replies, "The day we were married, my grandmother sat me down and told me,'There are going to be times that the two of you fight, times that you'll be so sick of him you cannot even stand the sight of him. Whenever a time like that comes, sit down and make a doll to calm yourself down.'"
Her husband had tears in his eyes, after all these years of marriage, she was only ever mad at him twice, he could not believe how he had married such an amazing woman. Then he asked,"And what about the money?" She replied, "Oh, that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
An elderly man walks into a bar
He hears the other patrons discussing marriage. "My wife and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary next week," he proudly tells them. "That's wonderful," one of the others says, "What's your secret for a long and happy marriaige?" "Well, you've got to do nice things for her," he explains. "Such as what?" the others ask. "Well, for example for our 25th anniversary I took her to Ireland." "That is nice," they others agree. "What are you doing for your 50th?" "Going back to visit her."
Family xmas problem solved
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pre-nup.
In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s**...?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............
"Is that one word or two?"
The secret to a long marriage
A reporter was doing a human interest story for a local newspaper, and was interviewing an elderly couple celebrating sixty years of marriage. The obvious question the reporter posed was "What's the secret to a long marriage?"
"Oh," the man started. "It's all about perseverance. On our honeymoon, we went to the Grand Canyon and rode on mules down the trail. Well, my new wife's mule bucked her off, and she fell on the ground. She just yelled, 'That's ONE!' and got right back on. A couple minutes, the mule did it again, and she yelled, 'That's TWO!' and got right back on. When the mule did it a third time, she yelled, 'That's THREE!' and she took out a gun and shot the mule dead."
The reporter was shocked at the story, and asked, "How does that relate to a long marriage?"
And the man replied, "Well, I told her that was no way to treat a mule, and she looked at me and said 'That's ONE!'"
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no.
We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.”
The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied,
“Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.”
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