Elderly Man Jokes
107 elderly man jokes and hilarious elderly man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about elderly man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Elderly Man Short Jokes
Short elderly man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The elderly man humour may include short old man jokes also.
- A lesbian couple got their elderly neighbor a Rolex for his birthday... Upon opening it the man said, This is really nice, but I think you ladies misunderstood when I told you I wanna watch
- A young woman walks into a dry cleaner She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"
She responds, "No, it's yogurt" - I was on holiday in belgium... Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied. - An elderly man has urinary incontinence. Why does he drink holy water before going to bed on Christmas Eve? He wanted to sleep in heavenly pees.
- An elderly man asks his wife to go braless. "Do you really think I could still pull it off?" she replied.
"No, but maybe it'll pull some of the wrinkles out of your face." - Someone asked an elderly man what his wife's favorite flower was . . . He thought for a moment and replied, "I think it's Pillsbury."
- Today I witnessed an elderly man being attacked by 2 men in the street so I summomed up some courage and decided to help. He didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us.
- So an old man is reading an electronic version of a script from the hit movie oblivion Elder scrolls oblivion
- An elderly woman had her purse stolen by a man in a wheelchair... And as he wheeled away she yelled "You can hide, but you can't run!"
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Elderly Man One Liners
Which elderly man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with elderly man? I can suggest the ones about elderly people and elderly couple.
- A elderly man gets diagnosed with brain cancer And dies.
- What is the name of the elderly man that won three bingos in a row? j**... hat-trick ...
- What do you call an elderly Mexican man? A senõr citizen
- A ton of elderly people died from having s**.... Man, it must be the strokes.
Elderly Man Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about elderly man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean elderly neighbor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make elderly man pranks.
You better not.
I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.
Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"
The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man in Saskatchewan.
An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**..., or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Memory Lane...
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
An old man in tears
A young man taking a walk in a park comes across an elderly man sitting on a bench in tears. Touched by the poor man's sorrow, he kindly asks, "Please sir, why are you crying?"
The old man replies, "I have a beautiful 21 year old wife who makes love to me every night!"
Confused, the young man replies, "I still don't understand why you're crying."
The elderly man sobs, "I forgot where I live."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man was lying on his death bed
and in his bank account had 300,000 dollars. Being a man that didn't trust wills and didn't want the government to get their hands on the money, he decides to call over his three most trusted people. He calls over his priest, his lawyer, and his doctor and gives them each 100,000 dollars. He then informs them that he wishes to be buried with his wealth and at the f**... they should each drop the 100,000 into his coffin. After the burial the priest announces that he must confess he donated some of the money to the orphanage. The doctor chimes in and says he has to admit that he bought a new MRI machine for the hospital. "I felt guilty but it will save many lives" he proclaims. The lawyer takes a step back and looks at both of them with disdain. "Shame on you for dishonoring a dying man's last wish. I'll have you know I enclosed a check for the full 100,000."
An elderly woman decides she wants a husband...
An elderly woman decides its time she starts looking for husband, so she puts out and ad in the local news paper stating:
LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND HE MUST:
•not beat me
•not leave me
•be good in bed
So with these simple requirements she waits a few days with no response, but then one morning she hers her doorbell ring and goes to answer it. Standing at the door is a man with no arms and no legs. She asks him, "Are you here about the ad?" he replied, "Yes, I meet all the requirements see, I have no arms therefor I cannot beat you, and I have no legs therefor I cannot leave you." she asks, "well are you good in bed?" the man responds, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
An elderly gay gentleman has one too many at a bar on the night before Easter
And throwing trepidation to the winds, he stumbles towards home through Central Park. He gets terribly lost on 110th St. and ends up careering into St. John the Divine just as they're beginning midnight mass. The priest is walking up the aisle and swinging the censor when the man runs up to him and hisses, "sweetie, I love the dress, but your *handbag is on fire.*"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
Elderly Couple Go to Heaven Together
They both arrive at the pearly gates together and meet Saint Peter, who says "Let me show you around" He pointed to a mansion and said "That will be your house, located next to the country club." The old man asks, "and how much will that cost?" St Peter replies, "oh there's no charges, it's free, you're in heaven". He adds, "the country club has no fees or costs either" The old man is really happy by now and asks about food. St Peter says, "Although you don't need to eat, we do have full buffets with the very best pork, beef and poultry" The old man asks, "Aren't those bad for our health?" St Peter assures him, "You're in heaven now, there is no need to worry about your health."
The old man turns to his wife and smacks her upside the head. She says, "What was THAT for?" He answers, "If it wasn't for you and your bran muffins, we could have been here 30 years ago!"
Two men sitting on a bench
Two elderly men get together every sunday on the same park bench. The one man turns to the other and asks: "What do you prefer boxers or briefs"
The other man replies " Briefs. What about yourself?"
The first man answers: "Depends"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Elderly Man Goes to the Doctor's.
Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman.
She is hot and all she wants to do is have s**... all day long.
So what's the problem?
Breaking down in tears....
I can't remember where I live.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The old Man's Pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
My 89 year old Grandpa told me this one tonight... An elderly man bought his wife a Christmas present
An elderly man was trying to figure out what to buy his wife for Christmas. Knowing they already had everything they needed he decided to give his wife a Tombstone. She opened the present and thought. "OOOOKKKAYYYYY.. Sure, Thank you" She thought the gesture was nice and a little weird at the same time.
The next year the entire family was having Christmas together and the elderly man had bought great gifts for everybody but his elderly wife. His kids and grand kids were so thankful and happy.
After everything was done his wife said "Hey! What about me? You didn't get me anything?" The elderly Man replied "Why would I get you anything this year? You still haven't used what I got you last year!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American woman is hiking through Germany...
She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the woman averts her eyes! "Oh, g**...!" she exclaims. The Old German man, just finishing up, winks suggestively at the woman before zipping up his fly and walking away. "Danke schön"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The gift.
Knowing that the minister had a very sore t**..., an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.
"This is quite soothing, the woman said, "but please don't tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."
"I understand," replied the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the congregant skimmed the "With Appreciation" column. There she read: "The minister extends his thanks to Mrs. Alice Rodgers for her gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."
Pilot Choice
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
Three American Indians get lost in the forest..
Indian No.1: "What do we do?"
Indian No.2: "I don't know, we're Indian, we're not supposed to get lost in the forest!"
Indian No.3: "We could do like the white man and fire three shots into the air."
Indian No.2: "How does that help?"
Indian No.3: "Well, when the white man gets lost in the forest, he fires three shots into the air and then somebody comes and saves him."
Indian No.2: "That sounds like a great idea!" *Points to Indian No.1 and says*: "Go ahead and fire three shots in the air."
*Indian No.1 fires three shots into the air and they wait. After an hour, nothing happens.*
Indian No.1: "So, how long are we supposed to wait?"
Indian No.2: "I don't know. I guess it depends how close they are. Maybe we should try again?
Indian No.3 *(to Indian No.1)*: "Yeah, try firing three more shots in the air."
Indian No.1: "I would, but I only have two arrows left."
*This joke was told to me by a Sioux elder who also told me: "If you're not worth laughing at, you're not worth much." Of course, he was referring to the fact that we must be allowed to laugh at each other.*
Not what he was expecting....
A hot divorcee moved in next door to an elderly man who has been lonely for most of his life. A couple of weeks later, she stops at his house for a moment. "I'm ready", she says to him, and his package starts to rise-----he can't help himself! "I wanna blow off some steam, get drunk, and get laid! Can I ask you something before I do that?" The man replies, "Sure!" and is so hard, he can't think clearly. "Can you watch my kids?" the divorcee asks.
An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.
The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"
Aging
A young married couple was invited to their friend's home for dinner one evening. Their host was an elderly 82-year-old couple.
The young couple was impressed by the way the elderly man preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms like: "Darling, Sugar, Dear, Honey, Sweetheart," etc.
When the young man was alone with the old man in the veranda, the young man said, "I know both of you have been married for over 60 years and you are still so in love with one another. It's so wonderful after being married for so many years, you can still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man sighed, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 20 years ago."
Raisin Bread
A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"
A blonde walks into a drycleaners
and says 'good morning' to the elderly attendant and hands him a blouse. The man didn't hear too well and asked, "Come again"?
The blonde turned red and giggled. "No, just mayonnaise this time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly Japanese man...
An elderly Japanese man was walking behind me as I was entering a store. Since he was older and walked with a cane, I held the door for him. As he walked pasted he said, "Sank you" with his accent. So I punched him in the face and said, "How dare you bring up Pearl Harbor like that!"
Medical checkup
An elderly man goes to the doctor for his yearly medical checkup.
The doctor, a kindly man with a slight stutter, asks his patient:
"So, how's the prost-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tate doing?"
The man thinks for a moment, then replies:
"Well... you could say I pee the way you speak."
First joke I ever learned
An elderly man arrives home from bingo and his wife comes running up to him.
"Thank goodness you're home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!"
He responds, "*A* Lunatic? There were hundreds of them!"
An elderly man walks into a bar
He hears the other patrons discussing marriage. "My wife and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary next week," he proudly tells them. "That's wonderful," one of the others says, "What's your secret for a long and happy marriaige?" "Well, you've got to do nice things for her," he explains. "Such as what?" the others ask. "Well, for example for our 25th anniversary I took her to Ireland." "That is nice," they others agree. "What are you doing for your 50th?" "Going back to visit her."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man goes to the Doctors...
He's having problems hearing and he wants to know if his hearing aid is broken. The Doctor takes a look and recoils in shock. He then proceeds to pull a t**... out of the man's ear. "This is why you can't hear. There's a t**... in your ear not a hearing aid. The man then asks if he can use the Doctor's phone to call his wife. "Why?" the Doctor asks. The man smiles and replies "So I can tell her where my hearing aid is".
Variations of a nail joke. (Heard at a Ren Faire, modified)
The Goldman Nails company is trying to bolster business. They start a contest to create an advertisement for the business. The first submission is from an older lady.
It starts with a man with a beard in a white robe hammering away at wood. The shot pulls back to reveal an massive wooden ship and the figure turns and says "I'm Noah and I use Goldman Nails."
The second submission is from an elderly gentleman. It opens with a king sitting surrounded by men working on a great temple. The king says "I am king Solomon and all of my men wisely use Goldman Nails."
The last submission was by little Johnny. It opens on a desert. A man runs across the screen. He has a crown of thorns on this head and blood is coming out of his side. It is clearly Jesus. He runs off and two Roman Centurions run into focus. They look at each other; winded, one says to the other "We should have used Goldman's nails"
An elderly couple live next to a highway...
One night they wake up to hear a knock at the door. The husband, grumbling about the late hour, gets up, heads downstairs and opens the door to see a stranger.
The stranger says, "Terribly sorry to wake you but I was wondering if you could give me a push?"
The elderly man replies that it is the middle of the night and he is too old for physical exertion. He then heads back to bed. Upon getting in bed the wife asked him what happened and is shocked to hear that he did not help the stranger. "Go outside and help him right now!" she demands.
The old man begrudgingly gets dressed and walks outside. He looks left and right and doesn't see the man or his car anywhere along the highway. "Where are you?" he shouts.
"Over here on the swings!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly woman called the police to report that a man was in the apartment across the courtyard, dancing around his apartment with the windows open, completely n**...
When the officers arrived at her address, she led them to the window overlooking the courtyard and pointed across to a window on the building across the way.
"Ma'am... I'm sorry, but I can't see anything," said one of the officers.
The lady responded, "Here, stand up on this step stool and look..."
An elderly man was driving along the highway and was pulled over by a police officer.
The policeman told him that several miles back, the passenger door had opened and the man's wife had fallen out of the car. The man looks over to the passenger seat and says, "Well thank God -- I thought I'd gone deaf!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Another jewish gag
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and falls onto the pavement and lays there groaning in agony. A young man rushes up to help. He takes off his coat, folds it up into a pillow and as he gently places it under the old mans head he asks "Are you comfortable ?
The old man looks up into the guys kind eyes and says "Eh...I make a living"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Annual s**...
An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for h**.... When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age.
The old man responded, Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual s**...!
Roses
An elderly couple are having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen to do some washing up.
The two elderly guys were chatting, and one says, "Last night we went out to an amazing new restaurant that I'd, personally, recommend."
The other man says, "Oh, really? What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, "Uh, I'm drawing a blank. What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "Uh, a carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend suggests, "The poppy?"
"No, no, no," growls the man. "You know--the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Oh, do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you," the first man says. He then turns towards the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
An elderly man was out on a drive...
An elderly man was out on a drive when he received a phone call from his wife.
"Honey, be careful. I just heard on the radio that one idiot out there is driving the wrong way on the highway."
To which he replied, "Are you kidding me? There are hundreds of them!"
Police has arrested a charlatan
He was attempting to sell trusting elderly people some pills that were supposed to bring them their youth back.
After further investigation the police found out that the same man has been previously arrested for the same thing in years 1734, 1859 and 1926.
Mother and Father
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and yells, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're both coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I read this joke in a 1974 p**... magazine today.
An elderly man died and went to purgatory. There he ran into a friend his age, who is accompanied by a luscious young blonde. "I'm happy for you, Steve", said the new arrival. "At least you're getting a partial reward in this place while you expiate your sins."
"She isn't my reward", sighed Steve, "I'm her punishment!"
A man's dog dies
A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
An elderly man is with his wife who is on her deathbed
As she lay there, she says to her husband, "Honey, I must tell you a secret before I die"
"Shh, there is nothing you need to tell me." the husband replies.
"No, I must tell you that I slept with your brother, best friend and the neighbor." the wife responds.
The husband says, "I know this. That is why I poisoned you. Now go to sleep, darling."
A 96 year old man...
After marrying a beautiful young woman, a 96 year old man informed his doctor that he and his new wife were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he accidentally brought his umbrella on the trip. When he was in the woods, a bear charged him unexpectedly. The man whipped out his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot."
"That's impossible!" the elderly man exclaimed. "Someone else shot the bear."
"My point exactly," the doctor replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Convert today! $5000
Two elderly Jewish men were walking along when they came across a sign "Convert today! $5000." One of the men was interested and said he was going to see what it was all about. His friend had no interest and said he would wait on a bench. After 8 hours finally the man returns from the church.
"What happened that took forever?"
"Well the priest sat me down and explained to me all the things I have been doing wrong in my life. I realized he was right and I have converted."
"Yea yea but what about the $5000?"
"Jesus Christ is that all you people think about?"
A man goes to a mental hospital to visit his elderly mother...
when upon entering, he sees a man making beeping noises and waving his arms around. "what are you doing?", he asks.
"I'm driving a car. Can't you see?"
"Actually, you're in a mental hospital and your car doesn't exi-"
Then suddenly someone shouted out "Don't tell him! I get $20 by washing his car!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man was on his deathbed.
A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.
"No! Those are for the f**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man walks into a confessional...
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s**... with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .
A guy interviews an elderly couple
During the interview, the old man asks his wife "Sweetheart, could you make me some tea?" The old woman promptly gets up and walks to the kitchen.
The interviewer asks "Wow, after 40 years you still call her sweetheart, that's amazing"
The old man then said "Yea well, don't tell my wife I forgot her name"
An elderly man was driving his car down the motorway..
An elderly man was driving his car down the motorway when his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "George, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M40. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said George. "It's hundreds of them!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During the collapse of the Soviet Union...
... An elderly woman is surveyed by the government to conclude what the state of mind of the populous is.
**Survey man**: Where were you born?
**Woman**: St. Petersburg
**Survey man**: Where do you live now?
**Woman**: Leningrad
**Survey man**: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
**Woman**: St. Petersburg
A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning.
A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning when he sees an elderly man crouched by a gravestone. Not wishing to appear rude the dog-walker greets the elderly man with a cheery:
"Morning!"
The elderly man replies:
"Oh no, just taking a dump."
I used to be a telemarketer
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
Devil in the Church
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don't be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...
Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.
Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.
Man : By eating chocolate?
Boy : No. By minding his own business.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once helped an elderly Japanese man cross the street.
Afterwards he said, "Sank you." So I punched him in the face.
He didn't have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that.
A man parks in a handicapped spot
One day a man parks in a handicapped spot. An elderly woman woman drives up from behind, beeps the man and says "young man your not disabled, you should not be parking here".
The man replies "did you just assume my gender".
"Oh my mistake" says the woman
So a man backs into a car...
So older man backs into a car while trying to leave a parking lot. After hitting the car, the old man looks in the mirror to see a midget hop out, obviously very angry. The midget goes up to the door and yells, "You just back into me, and I'm not happy". The elderly man takes off his glasses and responds, "Well then which one are ya".
Three old men
Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied.
Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?
"Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Two elderly men in a bar...
...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"
Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Infrequently
There was an elderly couple considering living together, rather than getting married. The woman was concerned about sharing the same bed.
She asked her friend, "Well, what about s**...?"
The man replied, "Infrequently."
The woman thought for a moment, then asked, "Is that one word or two?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
Satan appeared before a small town congregation and everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away...
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman, who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man had a massive s**... and his family drove him to the hospital.
After a while, the doctor appeared wearing a long face.
Doctor: I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.
"Oh dear God," cried his wife, we've never had a liberal in the family before!"
WiFi on the plane
Hello miss flight attendant, the elderly man said
I am sorry to bother you, but the internet is dead
Sir, don't you worry, the internet's not slain
You have to understand, there's no WiFi on a plane
'Yes 'mam, I know my stuff, he angrily yelled aloud
Being high up here, I've got to work in the cloud
I'm made out of pure dynamite!
An elder couple wakes up together and kiss each other a good morning.
After that, the man stands up, picks up his weights and starts lifting them.
The man says: "Do you see this? I'm made out of pure dynamite!"
His wife looks up, with one eyebrow lifted, and says: "Too bad about the short fuse..."
(I hope it's clear because my English isn't so great)
An elderly man takes his grandson golfing,
Once they were at their first hole the grandfather remarks, y'know when I was your age I could hit the ball right over that big ash tree over yonder. The boy looks and sees it is quite a hit and not wanting to be out done he whacks one right dead center and it sticks right in the trunk. As he stood there impressed by his grandfathers feat, the man finished his comment, 'course when I was your age that tree was 'bout 3 feet tall
A scientist is driving around the countryside looking for elderly test subjects to measure how people live longer.
She comes across a dilapidated cabin with a very old and worn-out man sitting in the rocking chair on his front porch.
The scientist approaches the man and says pardon me, sir, but what's your secret to long life?
The man says I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, drink chocolate milk for breakfast and eat burgers for lunch and dinner, and I wash it all down with a swig of hard liquor .
Wow! exclaims the scientist. Exactly how old are you?
26.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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An elderly woman asked a young man if he wanted to try 69.
Out of curiosity, he agreed.
Whilst they were doing the deed, she accidentally f**.... Embarrassed, she apologised, and they continued.
The same thing happened a short while later, and the woman apologised again, to which the young man replied:
"No can do lady, I ain't gonna wait for the other 67!"
An elderly gentleman
An elderly gentleman goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a younger
woman for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90 ! ' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A headline: Elderly Man Found Pushing Stroller With Body Parts sounds butch worse than
Man taking grandchild to the park
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"
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Two freinds are sitting on a bench, a deaf elderly woman and a elderly man.
While they are chatting, the woman speaking and the man signing, the man would stop and laugh, making a visible laughing motion that the woman sees.
The woman eventually asks what is so funny and the man signs backing, "Oh it's nothing."
They move on and the woman eventually says that her b**... has fell asleep.
The man signs that "I know, I could hear it snoring. Why do you think I was laughing?"
An elderly person asked a young-looking man how old he was
He replied saying, "whenever I tell anyone I'm 63, they don't believe me."
The elderly person then exclaimed, "how could you be 63?!"
To which the man said, "I'm not."