Elder Jokes
150 elder jokes and hilarious elder puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about elder that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laughter is the best medicine and these Elder Jokes will have you in stitches. Whether you're looking for a chuckle from church elders, the Elder Scrolls, Elder Abuse, Eldest, Youngest, or Oldest, you'll find plenty of laugh-out-loud jokes to help you get through the day.
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- Short Elder Jokes
- Elder One Liners
- Church Elder Jokes
- Elder Brother Jokes
- Elder Scrolls Jokes
- More Elder Jokes
Funniest Elder Short Jokes
Short elder jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The elder humour may include short older jokes also.
- An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
- I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .
- Made up by my elementary-aged kid: How do old people line up? In an elderly fashion. (So proud)
- I held a door for an elderly japanese man. He said "Sank you."
Why did he have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that? - A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex. The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
- A policeman spotted an elderly lady driving while knitting. "Pullover!" he screamed.
"No, it's a scarf!" she yelled back. - A police officer spotted an elderly lady knitting whilst driving "Pullover", he exclaimed.
"No, it's a scarf", she replied. - Bad news. I got fired from my job at the bank today. I mean, it was an easy mistake... An elderly woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
- A lesbian couple got their elderly neighbor a Rolex for his birthday... Upon opening it the man said, This is really nice, but I think you ladies misunderstood when I told you I wanna watch
- A young woman walks into a dry cleaner She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"
She responds, "No, it's yogurt"
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Elder One Liners
Which elder one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with elder? I can suggest the ones about older persons and older people.
- An elderly blind man walks into a bar And a table, and a stool....
- What do you call an elderly Mexican man? A senõr citizen
- What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive? Terminal illness.
- I just came across a group of elderly fish... Old School.
- (Elder Scrolls) What do Argonian children study in school? Hist tree
- What disease do elderly dinosaurs get? Jurassic Parkinsons
- I asked a cannibal, "What do elderly people taste like?" He said "Depends."
- What do elderly zombies crave? BRAAAAAAAAAAAAANS
- Elder Scrolls Joke Yo momma's so fat the dark brotherhood needs two contracts to get her
- What does an elderly Mexican have? Señority
- What band do elderly people try to avoid? The Strokes
- I've got to stop murdering elderly nuns. Old habits die hard.
- What do hispanics call their elderly? Senor Citizens.
- I've made an infinite runner game for old people... Its called the elder scrolls
- What keyboard shortcut do the elderly have the most trouble with? Ctrl+P
Church Elder Jokes
Here is a list of funny church elder jokes and even better church elder puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent f**..., what should I do?" Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."
- An elderly couple are in church "I've just let out a silent f**...." The old lady whispers to her husband "what should I do?"
"Put new batteries in your hearing aid!!"
Elder Brother Jokes
Here is a list of funny elder brother jokes and even better elder brother puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Not a nice joke After my elder brother's wedding, all old women in the family started teasing me by saying "You're next, You're next"
So, I started saying the same to them on funerals - Why does everyone hate their elder brother?
- What's Mayweather's elder brother's name? Aprilweather
Elder Scrolls Jokes
Here is a list of funny elder scrolls jokes and even better elder scrolls puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do Winds of Winter, Elder Scrolls 6, and Starfield all have in common? Bill Cosby was released before they were.
- If an old person looks through their Facebook timeline You could say that the Elder Scrolls
- I hope Bethesda's next Elder Scrolls game is a racing thriller set in South California They already have the perfect name for it: TES: LA Motors. I don't see why they couldn't.
- What flavor of chips do the citizens in the Elder Scrolls like the most? Cyrodiill Pickle
- What does Todd Howard do in the years between elder scrolls games? He just, works.
- So an old man is reading an electronic version of a script from the hit movie oblivion Elder scrolls oblivion
- What do you call a senior citizen uses a computer? Elder Scrolls
- What do you call your great grandfather's will? The Elder Scrolls.
- TIL the player character in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is American because he claims to be of dragon-kin but can only speak a handful of words in the dragon tongue.
- What do you call an old man browsing through Facebook? The Elder Scrolls
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Elder Jokes
What funny jokes about elder you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean aging jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make elder pranks.
What is the name of the elderly man that won three bingos in a row?
j**... hat-trick ...
Two nuns go on a bike ride through town...
As they ride through an alley, the younger nun turns to the elder and says, "I've never come this way before!"
The elder nun replies, "That's because it's cobblestones, dear."
ba-dum CHING. My granny told me that one this weekend.
An elderly man in Saskatchewan.
An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**..., or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
An elderly couple was sitting in church...
when the wife leans over and tells her husband, "I just let out a silent f**.... What should I do?"
The man replies, "First thing you should do is adjust your hearing aid."
An elderly woman decides she wants a husband...
An elderly woman decides its time she starts looking for husband, so she puts out and ad in the local news paper stating:
LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND HE MUST:
•not beat me
•not leave me
•be good in bed
So with these simple requirements she waits a few days with no response, but then one morning she hers her doorbell ring and goes to answer it. Standing at the door is a man with no arms and no legs. She asks him, "Are you here about the ad?" he replied, "Yes, I meet all the requirements see, I have no arms therefor I cannot beat you, and I have no legs therefor I cannot leave you." she asks, "well are you good in bed?" the man responds, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
An Elderly Man Goes to the Doctor's.
Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman.
She is hot and all she wants to do is have s**... all day long.
So what's the problem?
Breaking down in tears....
I can't remember where I live.
An elderly woman is watching the local news
An elderly woman is watching the local news and hears about a madman driving the wrong direction on the highway that her husband takes home. Worrying, she calls her husband and tells him about the insane driver. The man replies, it's worse than you think! It's not just 1, there's hundreds of them!
An elderly Jewish sage walks into the post office and hands the clerk a thick envelope to mail.
The clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, buy this envelope is too heavy. You'll need to put another stamp on it."
"Vaht, and you think adding another stamp vill make it any lighter?"
An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.
The officer asks where he's going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer laughs and says, "Oh really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
An elderly couple go to the doctor......
for the husbands annual physical. The husband is hard of hearing and he and the wife sit at the doctors desk after his exam. The doctor starts talking and tells the husband he is ordering some tests, and he'll need to provide a u**... sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample.
The husband looks over to his wife and asks: "what did he just say?" The wife replies "give him your underwear".
An Elderly Couple
An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent f**..., what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.
The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"
An elderly couple is taking a Sunday drive on I-80
when the wife gets a call on her new-fangled cell-phone. Her daughter is frantic, "Mom, there is a lunatic driving the wrong way down the road on I-80 near your house!"
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Did you hear that? Some maniac is driving down the wrong side of the road!"
The husband screams, "One lunatic?! There are hundreds of them!"
An elderly Japanese man...
An elderly Japanese man was walking behind me as I was entering a store. Since he was older and walked with a cane, I held the door for him. As he walked pasted he said, "Sank you" with his accent. So I punched him in the face and said, "How dare you bring up Pearl Harbor like that!"
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m
...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
An elderly man goes to the Doctors...
He's having problems hearing and he wants to know if his hearing aid is broken. The Doctor takes a look and recoils in shock. He then proceeds to pull a t**... out of the man's ear. "This is why you can't hear. There's a t**... in your ear not a hearing aid. The man then asks if he can use the Doctor's phone to call his wife. "Why?" the Doctor asks. The man smiles and replies "So I can tell her where my hearing aid is".
So an elderly woman thinks her husband is starting to go deaf...
The woman decides to test her theory. She stands about 30 feet way and calls to her husband:
"Oh Harry!"
She gets no response. She then stands 20 feet away and calls out to him again:
"Oh Harry!"
She is surprised that he STILL doesn't hear her call so she tries again, this time from 10 feet away:
"Oh Harry!"
Harry exclaims: "For the 3rd time Bertha! What do you want!?"
An elderly woman's husband dies
and she is so shackled with grief she wants to kill herself. She decides to use his old service p**... to shoot herself in the heart. She asks her doctor where her heart is to which he responds "right below your left breast". The next day she was admitted to the hospital with a gun shot wound to her left knee.
An elderly man was driving along the highway and was pulled over by a police officer.
The policeman told him that several miles back, the passenger door had opened and the man's wife had fallen out of the car. The man looks over to the passenger seat and says, "Well thank God -- I thought I'd gone deaf!"
An elderly woman rang her husband while he was driving...
He heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Darling, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the freeway, please be careful!"
He replied, "There's not just one car, there's hundreds of them!"
An elderly man was out on a drive...
An elderly man was out on a drive when he received a phone call from his wife.
"Honey, be careful. I just heard on the radio that one idiot out there is driving the wrong way on the highway."
To which he replied, "Are you kidding me? There are hundreds of them!"
Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...
It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having s**.... He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"
An elderly couple was sitting together in church...
The wife leans over to the husband and says "I just let out a really long and silent f**.... What should I do?"
The husband replies "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
An elderly man is with his wife who is on her deathbed
As she lay there, she says to her husband, "Honey, I must tell you a secret before I die"
"Shh, there is nothing you need to tell me." the husband replies.
"No, I must tell you that I slept with your brother, best friend and the neighbor." the wife responds.
The husband says, "I know this. That is why I poisoned you. Now go to sleep, darling."
An elderly couple sits in church
The old lady leans over and whispers, "I just let out a really big silent f**..., what should I do? "
The old man says, "you should replace the batteries in your hearing aid. "
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."
The husband is mad, but forgives her, and asks, "but which cheapskate gave you the nickel?"
She replies, "They all did."
Credit goes to u/umm_umm_
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through, she leans over and says to him: "I just had silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"
He leans over to her and replies:
" Put a new battery in your Hearing Aid."
An elderly man was on his deathbed.
A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.
"No! Those are for the f**...!"
An elderly man walks into a confessional...
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s**... with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .
An elderly man was driving his car down the motorway..
An elderly man was driving his car down the motorway when his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "George, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M40. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said George. "It's hundreds of them!"
An elderly couple are at the cinema...
About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent f**...; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
An elderly man hears a knock on his door...
He answers it to find a beautiful young woman standing there completely n**....
The woman says to the old man, "I'm here to give you super s**..."
The old man replies, "I'll have the soup."
A 108 year old man was interviewed for the first time today.
The reporter asked him what was his secret to such longevity, and he answered with a simple, "I never argue." "It cannot be as simple as that" replied the reporter. To which retorted the Elder, "You know, you must be right."
An elderly couple are sitting in a church
The man lets out a silent f**... while the priest is talking.
He then says to his wife "I've let out a silent f**..., everyone here will smell it. What do I do?"
His wife then says to him, "You get your hearing aids fixed"
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don't be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
"Suspect is an elder female with an extensive criminal background..."
"We don't have any leads, but we'll search every crook and nanny until we find her."
How do most elderly golfers die?
They have a bad s**...
Two elderly men in a bar...
...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"
Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"
An elderly lady takes a cab ride
When she gets to her destination the drìver says, "That'll be $15."
The old lady lifts up her skirt and says, "How about I pay you with this? "
"Aw jeez lady!" the driver says, "Don't you have anything smaller?"
An elderly man walks into confession and says...
Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.
The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?
Never Father… I'm Jewish.
So then, why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
An elderly woman appears in court for stealing
A can of peaches from the grocery store. The judge asks "how many peaches were in that can?" To which she replied "about 6 your honor."
"Very well then. 6 days in detention for you. I hope you've learned your lesson." When you suddenly hear her grumpy husband in the crowd "she also stole a can of peas!!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree.
One turns to the other and says, "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age, how do you feel?"
John replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really! Like a newborn baby, you say?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, I wear a diaper, and I even drool on myself."
What do you call a m**... gynecologist?
A Box Elder.
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.
The doctor says, 'We have three possible donors.
One is a young, healthy athlete.
The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.'
'I'll take the lawyer's heart,' says the patient.
'Why?' asks the doctor.
The patient replies, 'It's never been used.'
An elderly woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for contraceptives
The pharmacist is confused and asks why she would need them.
She replies "they help me sleep at night."
The pharmacist asks "how so?"
"When I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning I sleep better at night."
An elderly, married couple walks into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man, 'I'll need a u**... sample, a f**... sample, and a blood sample.'
The old man says, 'What?' So the doctor says it again. Once again the deaf old codger says, What?'
So the doctor yells it: 'I NEED A u**... SAMPLE A f**... SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!'
With that the old man's wife turns to her doddery husband and says, 'He needs a pair of your underwear'.
An elderly couple was sitting in a church...
An elderly couple was sitting in a church and the woman turned to her husband and said "I f**... silently, what should I do now?"
The husband replied, "You need to change the batteries for your hearing aid"
An elderly man had a massive s**... and his family drove him to the hospital.
After a while, the doctor appeared wearing a long face.
Doctor: I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.
"Oh dear God," cried his wife, we've never had a liberal in the family before!"
An elderly woman called 911...
An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"
The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.
Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch.
"Disregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake."
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.''It's all right,'' says the husband. ''We share everything.''
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. ''I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal,'' he insists.''She'll eat,'' the husband assures him. ''We share everything.''Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, ''Why aren't you eating?''The wife snaps, ''Because I'm waiting for the teeth!''
I'm made out of pure dynamite!
An elder couple wakes up together and kiss each other a good morning.
After that, the man stands up, picks up his weights and starts lifting them.
The man says: "Do you see this? I'm made out of pure dynamite!"
His wife looks up, with one eyebrow lifted, and says: "Too bad about the short fuse..."
(I hope it's clear because my English isn't so great)
An elderly man takes his grandson golfing,
Once they were at their first hole the grandfather remarks, y'know when I was your age I could hit the ball right over that big ash tree over yonder. The boy looks and sees it is quite a hit and not wanting to be out done he whacks one right dead center and it sticks right in the trunk. As he stood there impressed by his grandfathers feat, the man finished his comment, 'course when I was your age that tree was 'bout 3 feet tall
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"
An elderly lady goes to see the doctor about her flatulence.
Doctor, can you please help? I pass wind all the time. They don't smell, they don't make a sound, but I've f**... three times already since coming in here.
The Doctor prescribes some tablets and asks the lady to return in a week.
Doctor, help! My gas has gotten worse! They still don't make a sound but now they stink, it's disgusting!
The Doctor replies, Good, we've fixed your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing.
An elderly woman is holding a f**... for her recently deceased husband
After the viewing, she discusses how kind and honest of a man her husband was, how she was so sad to see him go, and she bursts into tears.
Her nephew, after consoling his mourning aunt , asks May I say a word .
Through tears she says, Of course
He takes a moment and says Plethora .
His aunt, wiping her eyes, says Thank you, that means a lot.
An elderly man was driving down the highway when his phone rang.
It was his wife urgently warning him: Honey, I just heard on the news that there's some lunatic in a car going the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful!
It's worse than that, said the man, It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a s**... shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
Why did the m**... elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?
I mean, there was twenty of them....
An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel
While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.
A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.
The husband thinks about it for a while and then says to the mortitian that he would like to have her transported home.
The mortitian asks the why he wouldn't let her be buried in Israel when he could save a lot of money!
The husband then says "well I've heard of a guy who died and was buried here many years ago and he came back after three days. I'm not gonna risk that!"
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"
An elderly person asked a young-looking man how old he was
He replied saying, "whenever I tell anyone I'm 63, they don't believe me."
The elderly person then exclaimed, "how could you be 63?!"
To which the man said, "I'm not."
Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.
Surprised, the first lady had a s**.... The second lady also had a s**.... The third lady, though, declined to touch it.
Three elderly ladies are sitting at a park bench chatting.
A man walks up to them and flashes them, two of the ladies have a s**... but the third couldn't reach that far
An elderly couple are making their f**... arrangements.
They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"
An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.
The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."
That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"
He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.
Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"
3 elderly nuns were sitting on a bench
3 elderly nuns were sitting on a bench. A man in a trench coat walked right up surprised them by flashing them. The first two nuns had a s**....
The third couldn't reach.
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
My elderly dad goes to the doctor
He says the doctor, doc, every morning at 7AM I take a s**....
The doctor says, sir, that's amazing that you can be so regular at your age.
My father replies, I don't think you understand. I wake up at 8.
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by
Then he spoke: Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses. Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center. Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours. To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.
The nurse was really impressed. She said, Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.
And the wife responded, What property? … the s**... had a paper route!!
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.
When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.
He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from Latin he says, "Adducere me ad Marriott deversorium"
The cab driver nods and puts the car in gear. As he into traffic he says, "Wow, you sure haven't been to Rome for a long time."
An elderly man has urinary incontinence. Why does he drink holy water before going to bed on Christmas Eve?
He wanted to sleep in heavenly pees.
