Elder Brother Jokes
16 elder brother jokes and hilarious elder brother puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about elder brother that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Elder Brother Short Jokes
Short elder brother jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The elder brother humour may include short older brother jokes also.
- Not a nice joke After my elder brother's wedding, all old women in the family started teasing me by saying "You're next, You're next"
So, I started saying the same to them on funerals
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Elder Brother One Liners
Which elder brother one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with elder brother? I can suggest the ones about younger brother and sister brother.
- Why does everyone hate their elder brother?
- What's Mayweather's elder brother's name? Aprilweather
Cheerful Fun Elder Brother Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about elder brother you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean little brother jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make elder brother pranks.
An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed.
Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
An elderly man is with his wife who is on her deathbed
As she lay there, she says to her husband, "Honey, I must tell you a secret before I die"
"Shh, there is nothing you need to tell me." the husband replies.
"No, I must tell you that I slept with your brother, best friend and the neighbor." the wife responds.
The husband says, "I know this. That is why I poisoned you. Now go to sleep, darling."
Two brothers are fighting…
… in front of their mother and it starts to turn violent. The mother tries to intervene and stop the fight. The younger brother who is taking the brunt of the hits gets frustrated that he couldn't get as many punches his brother landed says, Step aside b**... . The elder brother hearing this gets angry and kicks him and says, How dare you call Mom a b**..., you son of a b**...!!
John, a 5yr old boy asks his 1yr elder brother, Tom, a question.
John- Is the past tense of "drink", "drunk" or "drank"?
Tom- It's "drank".
John- Then what about "drunk"?
Tom- That's future tense. Our father always gets drunk after he drinks.
A very little girl enters a room where her father and elder brother were talking.
"Hi Papa!" the girl says.
"Good morning, Promises." The father replies.
"Papa, why is brother sad?" Promises asks.
"Condoms just found out that I named you two after things that I have broken."
Mother and Father
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and yells, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're both coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
An elderly Irishman walks into a bar...
He asks the bartender for 3 pints, sits down and drinks all 3. Next week he does the same thing, and so on, week after week, until finally the bartender asks him:
"Pardon me sir, but I happen to notice you order 3 beers each week, without fail... no more, no less. May I ask why?"
"Oh, well I have 2 brothers you see, and so I have a pint for each of them and one for me as well."
A few years later, the Irishman walks into the bar, but he only orders 2 pints this time. The bartender is surprised, and after a while he realizes what's happened.
"Pardon me sir, I don't mean to pry, but I notice you've ordered only 2 this week and, well, I'd like to extend my condolences for your loss. I have a brother myself, and I can only imagine the pain it would cause..."
"No lad," interrupted the Irishman, "I'm just off drinking!"
Family xmas problem solved
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
A couple gave their twin boys up for adoption...
...it was a tough decision, but they felt unable to care for them, and decided it was the only way their children would thrive. One of the boys went to a Spanish family, who called their new son Juan. The other went to an Egyptian couple, who named the new addition to their family Ahmal.
20 years past, and the now elderly couple received a surprise in the mail, a letter from Juan, with a recent photo included. The mother was ecstatic, and said to her husband "It is such a blessing to finally see an image of our son, all grown up. I only regret that I cannot see a photo of his brother as well".
The husband said "What are you talking about? They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
Mom's birthday gifts
3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday.
The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well."
Jeremy, the second brother, said,"Well I bought mom a p**... apartment. She always complains about the house she lives in."
Lucas, the third brother, said, "Since mom always complains about not being able to read her bible well due to her poor vision, I bought a parrot that can recite bible verses perfectly!"
3 weeks later, the boys receive a letter from their mother. It read:
"To my 3 dear boys:
Thank you for all your nice gifts. However, I couldn't use the car that Michael gave me because I'm too old to go out anymore and the chauffeur is mean. The new p**... is nice, but it is too big for me to clean each day and I'm only ever in the bedroom. But Lucas, you did a fine job in choosing a gift. The chicken was delicious."
A small boy has homework..
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father: "Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?" His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son......go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."
The boy t**... off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds." "OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!" So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds." The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a p**...."