Eighteen Jokes
31 eighteen jokes and hilarious eighteen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eighteen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Eighteen Short Jokes
Short eighteen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eighteen humour may include short aged 18 jokes also.
- I told my daughter to be sensible before her eighteenth birthday party. She said, "You are only eighteen once!"
I said, "No...you're eighteen 365 times, unless it's a leap year."
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Eighteen One Liners
Which eighteen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eighteen? I can suggest the ones about sixteen and 18 months.
- I like my bourbon the way I like my women... Eighteen years old and full of coke.
- I have now been sober for eighteen months. Not in a row...
- What's green and has eighteen holes? An infected apple.
- What has eighteen legs and three vaginas? The Supreme Court.
- An eighteen year old boy finally decides to throw out his toys
- Chuck Norris grew a beard at the age of eighteen.
Twice. - Ahhhhh Eighteen eight eighteen
Witty Eighteen Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about eighteen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean turning 18 jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eighteen pranks.
A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.
He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."
Whose point is it anyway?
A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."
The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."
The doctor said, "My point exactly!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Tiger Woods playing golf.
Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.
Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.
A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"
Parking...
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
.
.
.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my girls the way I like my Whiskey.
Eighteen years old, moist and preferably in a basement.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it called v**... Airlines?
Because their planes are eighteen years old and never been serviced.
Relapse
"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again. "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied."And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store.
You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever. "Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you? "Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave. "
Just In Time
A cop was on night patrol driving up near lover's lookout when he noticed a parked car with a young man reading on the front seat and a young woman knitting on the back seat. He pulled over and walked up to their car. "What are you doing, Son?" the cop asked. "Reading," the young man answered. The cop shone his flashlight on the back seat. "And what is she doing?" "She's knitting," the young man answered. "How old are you?" the cop asked suspiciously. "I'm twenty one," the man answered. "And how old is she?" the cop asked. The young man looked at his watch, "In forty five minutes she'll be eighteen."
A blonde walking down the street sees a young boy smoking."You shouldn't be smoking.What grade are you in ?"asks the blonde.
The child says:"I'm in third grade,weren't you smoking when you were in third grade?" The blonde answers:" Yes, I was, but I was eighteen years old!"
A cop sees a car parked in the local Lover's Lane with the windows all steamed up.
He goes over and taps on the window. The guy inside rolls it down.
The cop looks inside and sees the fellow sitting behind the wheel, fully dressed. There's a young lady sitting in the back seat, also fully dressed.
The cop says, "What are you doing out here?"
Guy says, "I'm watching a video on my phone."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's on Facebook."
"What's going on here? How old are you, son?"
"I'm twenty."
"And how old is she?"
"In...thirteen minutes she'll be eighteen."
Time off work
I rung up work this morning..
"My wife died last night." I explained. "I'm going to need some time off."
"Oh my goodness, that's awful." Replied the secretary. "We understand though, take as much time off as you need."
"Thank you." I said. "It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A biker gang comes into a transport cafe
and start picking on a little middle-aged man just sitting down to an all-day breakfast. They steal most of it, spit in his tea, and pull away his chair from under him, until eventually he gives up and walks out silently.
They laugh loudly and say to the waitress "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"
"No," she says, "and he's not much of a truck driver either -- he's just backed an eighteen-wheeler over a whole line of motorbikes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When a man talks about his s**... encounters, it's likely that the facts have been multiplied by three.
Well, last night I slept with an eighteen-year-old...
Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys
were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. A woman walks by and asked what they are doing.
We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole said Bob, But we don't have a ladder.
The woman said, Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox. She loosened a few bolts and then laid the flagpole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, Eighteen feet and three inches and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed, Well ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman? he said, We need the height and she gives us the length!
Ray and Bob are still working for the government. But now they're congressmen.
The Lawyer's Car
A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"
"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"
