The Best 78 Eggs Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Eggs jokes. There are some eggs oeuf jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these eggs pullet puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Eggs Jokes and Puns
Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.
Two eggs and a piece of bacon walk into a bar
The bartender asks them to leave. They all ask why. Bartender says, "We don't serve breakfast here."
A programmer
goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:
-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.
He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.
-- But why?, she asks.
-- They had eggs.
Two eggs and a strip of bacon walk into a bar
The bartender looks at them and says, "Sorry - we don't serve breakfast here."
Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
A woman says to her engineer husband...
"Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"
"They had eggs."
Married mathematicians deciding what to get from the store.
A husband and wife are mathematicians. Husband asks the wife if she needs anything from the store. She looks in the fridge and says she needs eggs.
"How many?" he asks standing right next to her.
She yells, "4!".
He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back with two dozen.
A Software Programmer is going to the store.....
His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.
A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery
She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12."
The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.
A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...
When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.
Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".
He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"
A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread...
On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....
You can explore eggs eggspert reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean eggs omelette dad jokes. There are also eggs puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My son asked me to explain what coloring eggs had to do with the story of Easter...
"You see, son, we color Easter eggs to remind us that Jesus dyed for our sins."
A programmer went to go grocery shopping.
A programmer went to go grocery shopping. He called his wife and asked what was needed.
His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen."
So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.
Muslims are a lot like breakfast eggs.
If they aren't Sunni side up, they're probably Shiite.
The wife
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Egg timer
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
What does the fat cow give you?
Teacher: "Kids,what does the little chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the squealy pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Toast at a Wedding
"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.
"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.
A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.
Wife: Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.
Husband: O.K., hun.
Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.
Wife: Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
Husband: They had eggs.
A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...
She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".
Joke provided by my ten year old son.
My grandpa would always tell me...
that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.
A boy goes to the circus
and one of the sideshows is a tent that says "Man Who Remembers Everything." Intrigued, the boy goes inside and sees an old Native American man sitting on the ground. He approaches the man and asks, "If you remember everything, what did you have for breakfast exactly three weeks ago?"
Without hesitation, the man responds, "Eggs." The boy is sufficiently impressed and leaves to enjoy the rest of the circus.
Many years later, the boy has grown up, gotten married, and had children. One day he takes his family to the circus and is shocked to see the Man Who Remembers Everything is still there. He brings his family into the tent, and there is the same old man sitting on the ground.
Excited to see the old man again, he walks up and greets him, "How!"
The old man looks into his eyes and replies, "Scrambled."
My girlfriend asked me why I was sitting with the eggs...
I couldn't find my whisk, and if you can't beat them, you might as well join them...
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
A woman is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The male cashier says: "You must be single."
He got fired.
A programmer's wife
A programmer's wife says: "go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.
If you have Alzheimer's, look on the bright side…
…at least you can hide your own Easter Eggs.
I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.
"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."
I decided to have scrambled eggs this morning...
Immediately after thinking "I'll just flip this omelette."
Women have eggs and milk in them...
And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.
A programmer's wife sends him to the store and says get some bread, and
while you're there pick up some eggs.
The programmer never returns.
A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals
She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"
Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted "Homework!"
Some campers wake up in the morning and start making breakfast...
Nearby is a family of moles living in their burrow underground. Papa mole wakes up and crawls up to the hole and says, "It smells delicious up here! I can smell sausage and eggs and is that some ham frying too?" So mama mole climbs up and she's greeted with the sweet smells of breakfast. "I smell fresh toast and flap jacks and maybe a hint of cinnamon!" Baby mole tries to enjoy the smells but can't get past mama and papa through the hole and says, "All I can smell is molasses."
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast"
A programmer goes shopping
A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"
A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.
She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,
"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,
"Because they had eggs."
A programmer's wife tells him to go buy some milk, and, while he's there, to get eggs.
He hasn't come back.
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
A man is buying a bananas, an apple and two eggs.
A man is buying a bananas, an apple and two eggs.
The female cashier says: "You must be single."
The man replied: " Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
A priest, a monk, and a Rabbi walk into a barbershop.
A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.
Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.
A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.
A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store...
She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."
A programmer is heading to the store
A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:
While you are out, buy some eggs
He never returned.
A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread.
As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 loaves of bread
I've always wondered how vegans survived
No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.
Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?
In a communest
Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..
There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise
"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
Actual joke dad said this morning
waitress: How do you like your eggs?
dad: in a cake
Why do easter eggs hide?
Because they're little chickens.
I accidentally drank the water we used to color eggs for Easter.
I think I dyed a little inside.
Dad at breakfast:
Dad at breakfast: I'll have bacon and eggs, please
Waiter: How do you like your eggs?
Dad: I don't know, I haven't gotten them yet!
When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs
It's the best place place to pick up chicks.
A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.
She says, We're out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six.
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
He replies, They had eggs.
Why don't French people order 2 eggs in a restaurant?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
After 10 years of marriage, wife manage to discover 5 eggs and 5.000 euros on the cabinet.
\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?
\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?
\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
A programmer
A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"
A boy who lived in a farm woke up and wanted breakfast (NSFW)
His mother said he had to do his chores first.
So went out and feed the pigs but kicked them as he left.
Then he collected the eggs from the chickens but gave them a kick as he left.
After that he milked the cows but made sure to kick them as well.
When he came back in his mother gave him a dry bowl of ceral.
The boy asked "where's the milk for my ceral and my bacon and eggs?"
His mother replied "you kicked the cows so no milk, you kicked the chickens so no eggs and you kicked the pigs so no bacon".
The boy's father then came down and kicked the cat.
The boys said to his mother "do you want to tell him or shall I?"
Drunks
Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before
the devil knows you're dead!"
Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"
Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."
Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
Drunk guy: "Huh?"
Drunk girl: "That's
On my way to climb Mt. Everest, I came upon a local villager who said he had a rooster that laid eggs.
"How is that possible?" I asked.
"Himalayan rooster," he replied.
My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.
Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
Saw a sign at a farm that said, "duck, eggs."
I was contemplating the use of the comma when it hit me.
I asked Vincent van gogh to get me 6 eggs from the store, he came back with three...
Forgot he can only hear half of what I'm saying
A programmer is asked by his wife to go to the store
"Go to the store to buy some eggs", she says, "If they have avocadoes get 6". The programmer returns with some eggs and 6 avocadoes because he's a programmer and not a badly written program.
I own a chicken that counts her own eggs.
She's a mathamachicken.
A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.
"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,
"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"
The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."
The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.
Ten years later the tourist finds himself in the Chief's neck of the woods and decides to pay him a visit.
He enters the Chief's home and respectfully greets him, saying "Hau, Chief."
The Chief promptly replies, "Scrambled."
Punctuation Matters!
I was walking past a farm and a sign said:
"Duck, Eggs"
I thought: That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me."
When did the Japanese start making eggs?
A long tamago
I was walking past a farm and a sign said "Duck, Eggs"
I said: "That's an unnecessary comma" - and then it hit me!
What do you call eggs in an electrical socket?
An Ohmelet.
"Here, you take the baby and give me the eggs....
...You always drop everything!"
There are three advantages alzheimer's...
1. You can hide your own easter eggs.
2. You get to meet new people everyday.
3. You can hide your own easter eggs.
What breed of roosters lay eggs
Himalayan.
What do you call 2 eggs living together?
Coeggsistence
In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.
Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the eggs chicks jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working eggs eggshells piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.