Effort Jokes

It's refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises.

Although I'm not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.

The guys at the gym called me a fat loser ...

It's really great how they notice my effort.

Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand...

...in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

What do the Special Olympics and a hand job have in common?

You appreciate the effort but you could do it better.

I got arrested last night for murder...

I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.

The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

Bad News

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Your age

In an effort to inspire his young son who did not want to go to school, his father told him :

"When Abraham Lincoln was your age he used to walk miles for the privilege of going to school."

The young boy thought for a moment and responded,

"Yes, but when he was your age he was President of the United States."

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.

You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.

What do you call a bunch of potheads working together?

A joint effort!

Three gay men are at a bar.

The first one says, I'm so loose, my boyfriend can fit his fist inside me without effort! Second one says, Oh yeah? I'm so loose that my bf can fit his whole arm inside me without effort! Third guy laughs and the stool beneath him disappears.

The Dying Man and the Cookies

An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reached for one when his wife popped his hand with a wooden spoon: "Don't touch it! Those are for your funeral!"

Devil in the Church

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Satan appeared before a small town congregation and everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away...

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman, who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Whatever you do, don't tell this joke to a math person; they will just make you upset

Bill is a giant nerd, and he knows that he isn't perceived as cool; in fact, lots of people call him a square. So, in an effort to be cool, he finds some cool guys and decides to go do everything he can with them.

They say, "Hey Bill, we're going to the bar. Want to come?"

He says, "Sure," and comes to the bar. They all order shots and beers. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he orders shots and beers, and they all have a great time.

Next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a club. Bill comes along with them. They all start grinding on women and ordering tons of booze. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he does the same and has a good time.

The next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a football game. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he comes along. The guys are all cheering for their team enthusiastically, but Bill just sits quietly in his seat. Finally one of the guys says, "Bill, this isn't like you. Everything else we've done, you've joined in happily. Why won't you root for the team with us?"

Bill replies, "Well, I don't want to be a square. And rooting? Rooting is for squares."

The funniest joke I've heard happen organically.

I was sat in front of a couple I didn't know on the bus who were arguing. The girl was asking why the guy never made more of an effort romantically, but he's saying that it doesn't come naturally to him to make these big gestures. She keeps angrily saying he needs to be more spontaneous.

He says "I'm a guy, I can't just turn it on like a tap."

She says "Force it!"

He says "Fine, I can't just turn it on like a faucet".

Unsurprisingly, this didn't help. Neither did it help that the guy in front of them cracked up and turned around for a high five.

Donald Trump dies in Israel

After too much effort during a state visit in Israel, Trump collapses of a heart attack. The Israeli officials take the body and tell the Americans : " There's two options."

" The first one, you pay $5,000,000 and we send the body back to the United States so he can be buried there. "

" Second option, you pay $100,000 and we bury him here in the sacred land of Israel"

After much debating, the Americans decided to pay the larger fee and repatriate the body. Surprised, the Israelis ask them why they chose the bigger figure.

" Well, the last time you buried someone he came back after three days so we're not taking any chances !"

Profound (And Deep) Jokes

A manager at Goldman Sachs has this to tell.

Once upon a time in a village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs 10. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at Rs 20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Welcome to 'Goldman Sachs'!

**Continued in the Comments**

I put as much effort into life...

As the guy who named the sleeping bag

A lot of effort goes into my erections.

They're all handmade.

Some guys at the gym called me a fat loser today

I'm glad they notice my effort.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.

A man sends ten puns to a friend in an effort to make him laugh.

Alas, no pun in ten did.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.

In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark" Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia"

"Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?"

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

"Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"

"It's John"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York"

"Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?"

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?"

"FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

No Sex

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort.

The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"**KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!**"


Husband: "Guess whom?"


Wife: "I know who it is!"


Husband: "Guess what I want?"


Wife: "I know what you want!"


Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

What's the difference between a landslide and a social justice warrior?

It takes a lot of effort to trigger a landslide.

Roses are red, violets are blue...

Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Barack Obama is undertaking a systematic effort to change this country, to make America more like the rest of the world.

That's why he passed Obamacare and the stimulus and Dodd-Frank and the deal with Iran. It is a systematic effort to change America. When I'm president of the United States, we are going to re-embrace all the things that made America the greatest nation in the world and we are going to leave our children with what they deserve: the single greatest nation in the history of the world.

There were two fellas working for the town council one day, walking through the park.

One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill it in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you're putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we're a three-man team, but the bloke who plants the trees is sick today."

On a bus one day.....

.....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast.

Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 minutes of failed effort to get her child to breastfeed, the woman threatens her child again.

Finally the man clears his throat and says, "Look here woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off 6 stops ago!"

Dating is a lot like parking

All the good ones are taken. The rest take a bunch of effort or are handicapped.

Today is a VERY, VERY sad day.

VERY VERY VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He is still paying his school loans. This just goes to show you one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family.

He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

How did the farmer manage to shave 100 sheep in one hour?

Shear effort

I met a girl in the park today who proved that fat girls really do try harder...

She put up a valiant effort, but that amount of chloroform would have put a rhino down.

Did ABC purposefully mix up the Best Picture announcement in an effort to drive ratings?

After some careful research I've found nearly everybody on that stage to be a paid actor!

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard.

"Who is it?"

"It's Matthew."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia."

"Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"

"It's John."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York."

"Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Judas!"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Judas?"

"FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"

An old man is on his deathbed...

and his wife is sitting next to him in a chair, holding his hand. He seems to be fading fast, and with a great effort he grasps her hand. "My love, I must confess something..I've cheated on you with dozens...maybe thousands of women..."

She looks at him tearfully, wipes the tears from her eyes and says "shhh now my love..i know..now hush and let the poison work"

A man was being chased in the woods by a lion who was going to eat him...

He ran his hardest, but the lion was advancing quickly. Just as it looked like the end for him, he decided on a last ditch effort. Being Catholic, he looked to the sky, dropped to his knees, and desperately prayed. "Lord!" he exclaimed. "Make this lion a Christian!" Instantly the lion pressed his paws together and prayed "For this meal in which I am about to partake..."

A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...

A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

The Nazis really wasted so much money and effort on a racist motive which made no sense

It truly was a hollow cost

Christian Drugs.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

Chicago Police Department

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalist, the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police.

The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".

Did you hear about the two guys who robbed the marijuana dispensary?

It was a joint effort.

A sad day for a doctor

After 7 years of study, training and hard work, a member of the medical profession has been fired after one minor lack of judgment. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He was a genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.

A man has been unemployed for a long time...

finally, with the release of Stephen King's remade 'It', he gets a job posting huge billboards around the city. After some weeks however the movie was slumping, so in a desperate effort for publicity, the advertisers sent the man back out with crimson paint and a paint brush and told to give all the clowns a 'bleeding face' effect.
Mid-job, covered in paint, and late into the evening, the police spot him and surround him with guns drawn.
"No, No" he screams, "you don't understand! I'm a red It poster!"

A man walks out of a bar...

He's completely trashed.
Swaying from one side of the street to the other, he stumbles towards his home, when he sees a nun walking in front of him.
With considerable effort he catches up to her and taps her on the shoulder, twice.
As soon as she turns around, he punches her right in the face.
Losing two teeth, she stumbles backwards and raises her arms. He punches her again, a lot harder this time.
She hits the ground and starts to beg for mercy: "Please, just leave me be. By god, why are you doing this?"
He grins from one ear to the other, and says:

"Not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

They fired my friend, doctor, for sleeping with his patient

After 7 years of studying, they fired my friend, doctor. He slept with his patient and can no longer carry out his profession for this. So much effort, time, money, and hop, it's just a one little mistake that makes you lose everything. Dave, I stand by you, you are still a wonderful person and an excellent veterinarian for me!

A boy loses an eye

A boy who loses his eye from an accident goes to the doctor gets a wooden replacement. Of course, he is extremely self-conscious about his new wooden eye and doesn't make an effort to ask out any of the girls in school.

One day a new girl walks in and he notices she has a harelip. He figures they can relate to each other and perhaps become friends. They get to know each other and the boy gets to the point where he musters the courage to ask the girl on a date.

The girl is so excited and happy she can hardly believe it. "Would I? WOULD I?", she exclaims. The boy, crushed by this, screams back, "HARELIP! HARELIP!!!"

No motivation. Why bother if people don't notice my creative work?

It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort i put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much i try to 'get in the spotlight' and display my art, people seem to just... pass it by and go on like they haven't even noticed it, not even giving it a glance or a moments thought.

I'm in a rut right now. Its hard to stay motivated and creative when all the hard work goes unnoticed, despite the pay being good.

For those wondering, i design camouflage.

Why is a degree like a condom?

It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and its worthless the next day.

Jesus and Drugs

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

What did the judges say about the Russian athlete that lost a race?

"Well, at least he Putin a good effort."

My wife was complaining about how much effort I put into customizing my avatar at the beginning of games....

I told her that hard work helps build character.

My boss has arrived with a brand new ferari. "Wow" I said amazed. He told me then :

"If you work hard enough and put all your effort to strive for excellence without taking hours break, i might get another one next year."

An Asian couple is in bed

And the husband, making an effort to spice things up, says "We do #69 now"!

And the wife says, "Why you want Beef and Broccoli"?

I threw my girlfriend a leaving party but she didn't seem to appreciate the effort.

She kept saying, "Where am I going?!"

A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her

Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored.

Last weekend I was accused of being dyslexic at a party...

I think they were just jealous of my goat costume, because nobody else put in *any* effort. For some reason they all decided to just wear bed sheets to the goat party.

Christ is on the cross

He's calling out to Peter. 'Peter! Peter!' he shouts. Peter hears him and tries to get closer, but a Roman guard cuts off his arm and sends him packing. Christ calls out again. 'Peter! Peter!' he shouts. Again Peter tries to get closer but is again stopped by the Roman guard, who cuts off his other arm. Christ calls out again. 'Peter! Peter!' Peter tries once more to get to the foot of the cross. This time the Roman guard swipes at his left leg and chops that off too. 'Peter! Peter!' calls Christ. Peter makes one last desperate effort. He hops up to the guard, evades his hacking sword and knocks him out with a head-but. He then hops to the top of the hill and stands panting at the bottom of the cross. 'Yes, Lord!' shouts Peter. 'I am here!'. Christ says,'Peter, I can see your house from here.'

What do you call when two people roll marihuana together?

A joint effort.

I tried to design a piece of paper and my teacher was impressed.

He gave me an A4 effort.

Special olympics and a handjob is very similar.

You really appreciate the effort, but you know you could do better.

The Depressed Student

Sally noticed that one of her students had been suffering from depression for the last few weeks. She decided to ask him some easy questions in an effort to engage him. Johnny, if I subtract 4 from 12 what do I get?"

Johnny looked at her and sighed, "I don't know. What difference does it make?"

If I'm going to go to all the effort of remembering you have a baby you could at least have the common decency...

...to still have a baby when I see you several years later.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic confessional

and doesn't say anything. So after a few minutes, the priest, in an effort to get the man's attention coughs. The man doesn't respond, so the priest stomps his foot. Still nothing. Finally the priest bangs on the wall of the confessional. The man replies, "There's no use banging, my friend, I don't have any toilet paper."

We have collected gags that can be used as Effort pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Effort, here are one liners and funny Effort pick up lines.

Joko Jokes