Edit Jokes
120 edit jokes and hilarious edit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about edit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Edit Short Jokes
Short edit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The edit humour may include short alter jokes also.
- So Tekashi69 could face life in prison Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
- Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump. But I guess comparing apples to orange is unfair.
- What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital? I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.
- What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
- I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast. Since she can't even beat an egg
- Dude 1: Hey, bro? Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure
- Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
- Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
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Edit One Liners
Which edit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with edit? I can suggest the ones about update and delete.
- Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888 So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
- Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Apparently not.
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- Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
A: 1 GB
- Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence
- KFC has asked scientists to edit the chicken genome. They want something CRISPR.
- I once threw an abstinence party... And no one came.
- You shuold be be able to edit titles
- v v
EDIT*: Looks like my CTRL key is broken - I edited my pig's genes to make it taste better you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
- My friend is an anti vaxxer. Edit : was.
- Did you hear the CEO of Honda wont be back next year? He's leaving of his own accord.
- If your name is Mike please let me know below *edit, this concludes the Mike check.
- Nevermind, figured it out Just wondering if anyone knows how to edit the thread title.
- DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman Does it work if the whole joke is in the title?
- What is a ten letter word that starts with gas. Automobile
Delightful Fun Edit Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about edit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rename jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make edit pranks.
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
"Mom, I'm dating a man."
"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
​
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got fired from the s**... bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts
Im surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount; a large gap in numbers had never bothered him before.
Get it?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?
**Ag**stralia
Harry Potter has way too many characters...
Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's p**...
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's f**... kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the f**... for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bad workman blames his fools...
**
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Milk
Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier
s**... bank employee: What glass of milk
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
s**... bank employee: Oh no
Me: What
s**... bank employee: You drank my glass of milk
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..
One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my b**... on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed
The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So God's getting ready to go on vaction...
And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'
A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...
The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."
Why are there no black people in "The Jetsons"
Because it's going to be a great future.
Chicken for Supper
So this kid gets home around 6 and his dad asks "where were you?" The kid replies "at my girlfriends studying." The dad says "ok come sit down supper is ready." After a few minutes the kid says "This is great fish dad." The dad replies "Go wash your hands, it's chicken."
Why did the blonde have makeup on her forehead?
I told her to make up her mind.
*
Two blondes meet in college..
one asks the other: "What year are you in?" "Well...2012. you ?"
*Edit. The title could be a joke on its own.
I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.
None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
What did the gay guy say while parking?
Wow, I'm not straight at all...
A man was on a plane...
A man was on a plane when a stewardess approached him and said "Would you like some headphones?" To which the man replied "Yes I would, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
*
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her. * Beverly Hills ninja edit... rotates to revolves
Does your dog bite?
A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."
My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.
Hear are sum morre punny science jokes
How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Periodically.
Is Silicon the same in English as in Spanish? Si.
The last time I told a chemistry joke there was no reaction.
Chemistry puns Im in my element.
What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium
Ion-estly cant think of anymore... All the good ones Argon!
Edit 1 just thought of this.
What does Barium Cobalt and Nitrogen make?
BaCoN
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Socrates on jokes...
Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.
Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.
Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke?
Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.
Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.
Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had i**....
Cop Jokes?
I need some really good cop jokes for a cop buddy of mine who is retiring, he asked for us to bring him the best so I turned to you guys. Have a field day!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde goes to buy a TV.
A blonde goes out to buy a TV at a department store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair brown. She then goes back to the store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: I'm sorry but we don't sell to blondes.
Amazed she goes out and dyes her hair ginger. She later returns to the store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
Blonde: How did you know I'm blonde?
Clerk: Because that's a Microwave.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poker is like s**...
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand
Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner
Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)
So my son came home drunk at 2am.
I said, "excuse me, but you are out past curfew and I distinctly smell beer on your breath." "No dad, I'm sorry I'm home late but I wasn't drinking. My buddies and I were eating froglegs." So I looked at him and said, "I have been around for a while I know what beer smells like." He started to panic and said,"dad you're just smelling the hops."
EDIT : Apostrophe
A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...
She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".
The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."
A Man asks his lover in a restaurant
Man : Honey, what do you love most about me?
Woman : I love your company the most darling!
Man : Wow really? that is so sweet of you my love
Woman : Um, it's still making money right?
*edit :forgot to mention that I remember this joke from Benny Hills show, not my own joke
*edit 2 : Benny Hills not Benn, autocorrect strikes again!
Dad, am I adopted?
Son : Dad, am I adopted?
Dad : If we really wanted to adopt, we would have chosen someone better.
E^dit : formatting
I invented a new word.
Plagiarism.
---
EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.
-What are you drinking, son?
-Soy milk.
-Hola milk, soy tu padre.
Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde walks up to her blonde mom...
and asks,
"Mom, why does everyone think we are s**...?"
Her mum chuckles and says
"Bring me a p**..."
A bit confused, the daughter goes and grabs a p**... from the kitchen and hands it to her mom. Soon after the mother starts knocking on the p**....
The daughter turns to the door and says,
"Mom! Someone is at the door!"
The mom chuckles and says,
"See, this is why people think Blondes are s**......
now hold this p**... so I can go answer the door."
*Edit* Changed gender of daughter back, sorry tumblr.
It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-
A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.
Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.
Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week
Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you ever get that feeling like your being watched?
'Cause if it's bothering you I'll stop.
*Edit*: It's supposed to be you're. I'm know I'm s**.... You can stop telling me.
When is a door not a door?
When it is ajar.
Edit (back story): the origin of this joke came from a road trip back when I was in highschool (about 17 years ago). My buddy left the car door open and the dash displayed "the door is ajar". He thought it was funny, since we're use to seeing the "door open" icon and wouldn't stop telling the joke.
Not surprised it's been heard / told before but just happen to never hear it from any other source.
Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...
Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"
He said "I am very hungry."
"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."
You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.
The word queue does't have 4 silent letters...
They are just waiting their turn.
EDIT
oh haha didN't realise this got so many upvotes thanks guys :D is there a way to edit the title for the spelling error?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After s**... with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff
Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus
EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery
I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like!
[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.
If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year
Would it release nine eleven next year
Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all
Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat
Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D
Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?
Because number two shocked him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend said choose her or w**...
Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend
The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...
I'm sad as a coconut.
Wife asks the husband, who's the fool - you or me?
The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool"
Edit - I swear the joke was hilarious in the language I translated it from.
100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.
Stranger: What is your name, sad lady
Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat
Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it.
Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.
They say I'm overconfident
Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!
Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!
Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!
Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!
I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.
Edit- Two Now
2nd Edit- One Now
3rd Edit- Nevermind
4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP
I'm giving up drinking till christmas
Bad punctuation, can't edit title
I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.
