edit Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious edit puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

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Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

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Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

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"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

​

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What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".



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TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

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How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

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Tesla Edison Joke

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

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What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.





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Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum

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I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










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Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

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Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


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Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?


A: 1 GB



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Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)

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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

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When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

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(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.


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What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts



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Im surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount; a large gap in numbers had never bothered him before.

Get it?



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If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

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How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(

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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen









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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."

​

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Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D

EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D

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My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

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A bad workman blames his fools...


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My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

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What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

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Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

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How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

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Milk

Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: Oh no

Me: What

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk


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Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11.

It would be IX/XI.

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The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

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Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence


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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn't give a shit.

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls they get another man,

"And what's your word sir?"

"Smee!"

"Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Aye! S'mee again! *Go'an fuck yerself!*"

^^*edit* ^^- ^^thanks ^^for ^^the ^^gold ^^stranger

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

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A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*

He disappeared without a tres.



**edit Front page??? Thats Punbelieveable!

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I invented a new word.

Plagiarism.

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EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.

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Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?

Because number two shocked him.

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Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)

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Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

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The history of the condom.

In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine.



In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.

~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.

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A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

**EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that's so dumb it made me chuckle so I thought I'd share it. I'd never heard it before, which apparently is some kind of crime according to the comments.

Comment breakdown:

* "This joke is so old, you're a terrible person for posting it"
* "The way this joke really goes is something about a chicken/goldfish/Chinese apples not mattering"
* "Why did you mark this NSFW?!" (hint: because I wanted to click the NSFW link for some reason)
* Some stuff about my mom
* Some comments about me being 12 (I'm 35 BTW)

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I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine

But I need a line to end it.
-Matt Melvin
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they say penis size is related to shoe size...

that makes the fear of clowns even worse.

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I once threw an abstinence party...

And no one came.

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A man was on a plane...

A man was on a plane when a stewardess approached him and said "Would you like some headphones?" To which the man replied "Yes I would, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

*

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The Polish eye exam.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

..I will find you. You have my Word.

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The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.

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What the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? (offensive be warned)

American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.

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ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.
ISIS guy: Are you moslem?
Christian: Yes I am.
ISIS guy: Recite a verse from Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from Bible.
ISIS guys: Yallah-ho-snackbar, you can go.

Later Christian guy's wife: I can't believe you took that risk. If he knew you recited a verse from Bible he would have killed us.

Christian guy: Don't worry, if he knew Quran he wouldn't be member of ISIS.



_________________________


EDIT :

**Dein Beitrag wurde vergoldet!**
What does that mean? Oh! Thanks for the gold ( not sure if I should reveal the user name, I always see people write thanks for the gold stranger )

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I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know why.

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How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her. * Beverly Hills ninja edit... rotates to revolves

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"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."

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If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year

Would it release nine eleven next year

Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all

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What do men do after orgasm?

1% Do it again
1% Go Smoking
1% Fall Asleep
97% Clear History

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*knock knock* "Who's there?" "Dejav."

"Dejav who?"

*knock knock*


*edit : thanks a lot for appreciating the stupidity

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A plane was going down

You have the pope, a priest, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The priest responds "Do you think we have time?" "Edit" i made this joke at 4am so chill about the grammar.

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I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

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So God's getting ready to go on vaction...

And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'

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In the club last night i bought this hot girl a drink.

I then watched her give that drink straight to her boyfriend. Usually that would piss me off, but it was just as funny to watch him drink that Roofie.

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The doctor said to the patient

We had to remove a part of your anus

Patient- will I be any different?

Doctor-Just less of an asshole

Edit 1- Changed rectum to anus, credit u/RigorMortis76

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A Japanese man on vacation in america...

Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"

-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.

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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll give these two a lift.

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Chicken for Supper

So this kid gets home around 6 and his dad asks "where were you?" The kid replies "at my girlfriends studying." The dad says "ok come sit down supper is ready." After a few minutes the kid says "This is great fish dad." The dad replies "Go wash your hands, it's chicken."

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A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...

The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."

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v

v


EDIT*: Looks like my CTRL key is broken

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Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...

Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"




He said "I am very hungry."





"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."





You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.




**Edit**: Grammar, thanks to /u/linktothepast99

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It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

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-What are you drinking, son?

-Soy milk.

-Hola milk, soy tu padre.

Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone

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The word queue does't have 4 silent letters...

They are just waiting their turn.

EDIT
oh haha didN't realise this got so many upvotes thanks guys :D is there a way to edit the title for the spelling error?

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A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed

The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"

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A blonde walks up to her blonde mom...

and asks,

"Mom, why does everyone think we are stupid?"

Her mum chuckles and says

"Bring me a pot"

A bit confused, the daughter goes and grabs a pot from the kitchen and hands it to her mom. Soon after the mother starts knocking on the pot.

The daughter turns to the door and says,

"Mom! Someone is at the door!"

The mom chuckles and says,

"See, this is why people think Blondes are stupid...
now hold this pot so I can go answer the door."

*Edit* Changed gender of daughter back, sorry tumblr.

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There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..

One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my ball sack on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.

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A blonde goes to buy a TV.

A blonde goes out to buy a TV at a department store.

Blonde: I'd like that TV please.

Clerk: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.

So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair brown. She then goes back to the store.

Blonde: I'd like that TV please.

Clerk: I'm sorry but we don't sell to blondes.

Amazed she goes out and dyes her hair ginger. She later returns to the store.

Blonde: I'd like that TV please.

Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes.

Blonde: How did you know I'm blonde?

Clerk: Because that's a Microwave.

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I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like!

[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.

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Dad, am I adopted?

Son : Dad, am I adopted?


Dad : If we really wanted to adopt, we would have chosen someone better.

E^dit : formatting

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A blonde walks into a library..

she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"

*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."

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What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A woman

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Bill Clinton and his razorbacks...

Bill Clinton steps off a plane with two Arkansas razorbacks under each arm and then is greeted by a Marine who is saluting him. Bill tells the Marine "Son I would salute you but as you can see I got my hands full with these succulent hogs. I got one here for Hillary and one here for Chelsea." The Marine replies "A mighty fine trade, sir!"

edit - loving how the "alt-left" has come out of the woodworks on this one. Was just testing the waters. And the verdict...a lot(85%) of you have a quality sense of humor. You're alright.

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Two Policemen with a Dog are standing outside of a
Pub.

A drunk guy comes out of the pub, lifts the dogs tail and looks at it. Than he just shakes his head and leaves.
After a few minutes another guy comes out and does the same thing.
The Policemen just wonder and say nothing.
When a third guy looks at the dog in this way, they stop him and ask what he is doing.
The drunk guy just says: "Sorry, but I had to look for myself. In there is a guy that claims there is a dog with two assholes standing in front of the pub."


Sorry it lost a little bit in the translation - I'm open for suggestions to make it better.

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A pirate walks into a bar...

Disclaimer: I heard this joke from a friend at work. I've no idea where he heard it or if he happened to make it up. If someone could provide a source, I'll gladly edit the post.

~

A pirate walks into the bar and the bartender just stares at him. There's a paper towel stuck to his forehead. The pirate walks up, slams his hand on the counter and exclaims, "I need some rum!"

Ignoring the paper towel for now, the bartender complies. After a few more rounds, the pirate's loud and obnoxious and having a great time in general.

At the request of the next round, the bartender complies once again, this time asking, "Alright, I just have to know. Are you aware there's a paper towel stuck to your forehead?"

The pirate nods and sigh dejectedly. "Aye, I've got a bounty on me head."

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What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable?

One likes men and the other is disabled.

EDIT 2: I apologise if this offends some people. In 2017, you cannot be too careful.

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243 [Slightly NSFW]

You asked for it :D

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Two blondes meet in college..

one asks the other: "What year are you in?" "Well...2012. you ?"


*Edit. The title could be a joke on its own.

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One of my favorites, probably a repost...

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today during school?

SON: At school *robot slaps son*

SON: Ok, I went to the movies.

DAD: Which one?

SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*

SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.

DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad*

MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom*





**

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If you put in 110% for your math test

You will fail it. That's not how math fucking works.


Edit : I understand that 110/100 is a thing. This is just meant to be a joke that makes you laugh when you first see it.

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So a Higgs Boson particle goes into a catholic church

And it gets stopped at the door by the bishop.

The bishop says, "Sir, I can't allow you in here."

"What? Why?" the particle responds.

"You call yourself the 'God particle.' That's blasphemy against our Lord."

"Oh, well, I guess that makes sense. Before I go, though, can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah sure," the bishop responds. "Might as well."

"So," the Higgs Boson begins, "if you don't allow me in here, how do you have mass?"

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I like my women the way I like my microwave... ...

...cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and kills any baby I put inside her.

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Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue commenting as long as this post remains visible! I'll get to them when I can c: this is fun!

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A man approaches a prostitute...

and he asks her how much for a blowjob. The girl says $100.

"That's outrageous!" he says.

"Well thats my price" the prostitute replies.

"Ok" he says and hands her a $100 bill. He then proceeds to start jacking off.

"What are you doing?" the girl asks.

"For $100" he says "you ain't getting the easy one".

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Does your dog bite?

A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."

My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.

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A german man 3 years after the war went into the Church...

...He goes to the confession booth and says to the priest

"Father, I have a confession"

"Tell me all about it." The priest replies.

"Well during the war I was harbouring a 17 year old jewish girl." The man says

"The war's over now, that's nothing to be ashamed of."

"And every day she would come down from the attic, and we would have sex, twice on a sunday."

"It's okay," the priest replies "everybody has urges."

"Oh, and one more thing Father."

"Yes, you can tell me."

"Do you think I should tell her the war is over?"

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An electrician, a cobbler, and a mechanic

I asked an old man why he was sitting by himself in a bar. He told me, "If you replace a light bulb, it doesn't mean that you're an electrician. If you fix a shoe, it doesn't mean that you're a cobbler. And, if you change your oil, it doesn't mean you're a mechanic. But, if you fuck one goat..."

*edit - I derp'd (your vs. you're)

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I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff

Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus

EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery

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My girlfriend said choose her or weed

Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend

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I'm giving up negativity for lent.

We'll see how long that lasts.

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What do you see when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat miner.

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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

Edit 1: Why was my title and username changed?

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A cop amd a little girl

A Cop on horse says to little girl on bike,

"Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

**Edit** and not amd

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What's the difference between Saint Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day?

Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Paddy's. Edit- Paddy's not patty's

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

The barkeep says, "you've got a steering wheel in your pants."

The pirate: "Aaarg! And it's driving me nuts!"

Edit * my dad may or may not have told me this joke..

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Why should you distrust atoms?

Because they make up an awful lot of stuff.

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Pity Poor Peter

I feel sorry for my friend Peter.

His hair's a mess.

His family's nuts.

His neighbor's an asshole.

On bad days, his girlfriend's a c---.

And his owner beats him.

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Do you ever get that feeling like your being watched?

'Cause if it's bothering you I'll stop.

*Edit*: It's supposed to be you're. I'm know I'm stupid. You can stop telling me.

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A Man asks his lover in a restaurant

Man : Honey, what do you love most about me?

Woman : I love your company the most darling!

Man : Wow really? that is so sweet of you my love

Woman : Um, it's still making money right?
*edit :forgot to mention that I remember this joke from Benny Hills show, not my own joke


*edit 2 : Benny Hills not Benn, autocorrect strikes again!

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An artist in a circus shows a crocodile and put his penis in its mouth.

Then he takes a hammer, hammers on the crocodile's head and pulls out his penis. "*Does anybody else want to try this?*", he asks the audience. An old woman raises her hand and says: "*I'd like to try, but don't hit me too hard.*"

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Did you hear the CEO of Honda wont be back next year?

He's leaving of his own accord.

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2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout

Air in the hands! Mother stickers! This is a fuck up!

Edit/ it's an attempt at a joke sorry I didn't know the real struggle of dyslexia.

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Cop Jokes?

I need some really good cop jokes for a cop buddy of mine who is retiring, he asked for us to bring him the best so I turned to you guys. Have a field day!

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Socrates on jokes...

Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.

Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.

Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke?

Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.

Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?

Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.

Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had intercourse.

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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. (Sorry if repost)

After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flash light!". The woman says,
"Me too, you've been eating grass for the past 15 minutes!"


Edit; Edited something.

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So my son came home drunk at 2am.

I said, "excuse me, but you are out past curfew and I distinctly smell beer on your breath." "No dad, I'm sorry I'm home late but I wasn't drinking. My buddies and I were eating froglegs." So I looked at him and said, "I have been around for a while I know what beer smells like." He started to panic and said,"dad you're just smelling the hops."

EDIT : Apostrophe

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Nevermind, figured it out

Just wondering if anyone knows how to edit the thread title.

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Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week

Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right

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What do you call a Mexican Midget?

A paragraph, because they're too short to be an essay.

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Why are there no black people in "The Jetsons"

Because it's going to be a great future.

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What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?

Quatro cinqo.

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Hear are sum morre punny science jokes

How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Periodically.

Is Silicon the same in English as in Spanish? Si.

The last time I told a chemistry joke there was no reaction.

Chemistry puns Im in my element.

What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium

Ion-estly cant think of anymore... All the good ones Argon!

Edit 1 just thought of this.

What does Barium Cobalt and Nitrogen make?
BaCoN

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What is a ten letter word that starts with gas.

Automobile

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A man looks over his fence...

and sees his neighbour's daughter throwing dirt into a hole. The man asks "What are you doing little girl?" and the little girl replies
"I'm burying my budgie". The man asks
"Why is the hole so big?" and she replies
"BECAUSE IT'S IN YOUR FUCKING CAT!"

EDIT!
Budgie is a type of Bird

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I used to be indecisive...

But now I'm not sure.

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When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar.


Edit (back story): the origin of this joke came from a road trip back when I was in highschool (about 17 years ago). My buddy left the car door open and the dash displayed "the door is ajar". He thought it was funny, since we're use to seeing the "door open" icon and wouldn't stop telling the joke.

Not surprised it's been heard / told before but just happen to never hear it from any other source.

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A man walks into a bank

when he sees the register he shouts "hi bitch I would like to open an account in your fucking bank"

The register replies "C'mon sir you don't have to shout like that, this is a very respectable bank here"

- Don't make me wait you idiot, open my account right fucking now !!

- sorry sir but i'll have to call the director of the bank

The director comes and then asks the man : Why are you shouting like this sir ?

- I have won 1M$ at the lottery and i would like to open an account in your fucking bank.

The director replies : "And this fucking bitch is bothering you ?"

*EDIT : silly changed by fucking thanks to BuddyProductions0 and other corrections*

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What did the gay guy say while parking?

Wow, I'm not straight at all...

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Why did the blonde have makeup on her forehead?

I told her to make up her mind.

*

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Heard a vintage 2011 today.

The Navy Seals just invented a new drink, the "bin Laden". Two shots to the face and a splash of water.

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My favorite psychic joke

Ninja

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A World War II Pun

A German child was playing outside. Eventully, he was so exhausted that he went inside and asked his mother for a drink. She brings him a cup of water. After a sip, he asks "Mother, why can't I have something sweeter?" She replies, "I couldn't give you anything else because our FΓΌhrer does not want us to have juice in our house."

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Whats the difference between a Priest and Acne?

*Acne waits until you're a teen to come on your face*

^^^^^^^^^^edit^^^^^^^^^^, ^^^^^^^^^^grammar

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Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?

It was on a strict diet of worms.

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Bill and Hilary Clinton, a boy, and an elderly man are on a plane

...when the plane starts going down. Unfortunately there was only 3 parachutes.

Bill says "I was president of the United States so i should take one."
So he grabs a chute and jumps.

Hillary says "I'm the smartest person in the world, so i should go."
So she grabs a chute and jumps.

Then the elderly man says "I've lived my life boy, you take the last chute"

The boy says "Wait there's still two parachutes, the smartest person in the world took my backpack"

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What are the best Edit puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Edit? Well, here are the best jokes about Edit to have fun with.

Joko Jokes