They're the Tolkien white guys.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.
"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
​
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.
I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.
She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".
Because they are more likely to be dead
Take your foot off his head.
**
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
---
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.
[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum
Since she can't even beat an egg
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure
Apparently not.
-
A: 1 GB
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
They were having a mid-life crisis.
Brothel sprouts
Get it?
**Ag**stralia
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.
(
Stupid firemen
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"
Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...
Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."
​
Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
**
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Flashbacks
they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.
Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier
Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
Sperm bank employee: Oh no
Me: What
Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk
It would be IX/XI.
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
But to others, it's a whole sentence
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday.!
They like to beat the crowds.
But he was so good I didn't give a shit.
The first caller get's through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! *Go'an fuck yerself!*"
^^*edit* ^^- ^^thanks ^^for ^^the ^^gold ^^stranger
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
He disappeared without a tres.
**edit Front page??? Thats Punbelieveable!
Plagiarism.
---
EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.
Because number two shocked him.
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand
Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner
Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.
In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.
~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.
She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".
The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."
**EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that's so dumb it made me chuckle so I thought I'd share it. I'd never heard it before, which apparently is some kind of crime according to the comments.
Comment breakdown:
* "This joke is so old, you're a terrible person for posting it"
* "The way this joke really goes is something about a chicken/goldfish/Chinese apples not mattering"
* "Why did you mark this NSFW?!" (hint: because I wanted to click the NSFW link for some reason)
* Some stuff about my mom
* Some comments about me being 12 (I'm 35 BTW)
But I need a line to end it.
-Matt Melvin
-
-
that makes the fear of clowns even worse.
And no one came.
A man was on a plane when a stewardess approached him and said "Would you like some headphones?" To which the man replied "Yes I would, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
*
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters
~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
..I will find you. You have my Word.
---
I'm sad as a coconut.
American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.
ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.
ISIS guy: Are you moslem?
Christian: Yes I am.
ISIS guy: Recite a verse from Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from Bible.
ISIS guys: Yallah-ho-snackbar, you can go.
Later Christian guy's wife: I can't believe you took that risk. If he knew you recited a verse from Bible he would have killed us.
Christian guy: Don't worry, if he knew Quran he wouldn't be member of ISIS.
_________________________
EDIT :
**Dein Beitrag wurde vergoldet!**
What does that mean? Oh! Thanks for the gold ( not sure if I should reveal the user name, I always see people write thanks for the gold stranger )
I don't know why.
One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her. * Beverly Hills ninja edit... rotates to revolves
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
Would it release nine eleven next year
Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all
1% Do it again
1% Go Smoking
1% Fall Asleep
97% Clear History
"Dejav who?"
*knock knock*
*edit : thanks a lot for appreciating the stupidity
You have the pope, a priest, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The priest responds "Do you think we have time?" "Edit" i made this joke at 4am so chill about the grammar.
None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.
And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'
I then watched her give that drink straight to her boyfriend. Usually that would piss me off, but it was just as funny to watch him drink that Roofie.
We had to remove a part of your anus
Patient- will I be any different?
Doctor-Just less of an asshole
Edit 1- Changed rectum to anus, credit u/RigorMortis76
Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"
-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.
You go on ahead. I'll give these two a lift.
So this kid gets home around 6 and his dad asks "where were you?" The kid replies "at my girlfriends studying." The dad says "ok come sit down supper is ready." After a few minutes the kid says "This is great fish dad." The dad replies "Go wash your hands, it's chicken."
The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."
v
EDIT*: Looks like my CTRL key is broken
Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"
He said "I am very hungry."
"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."
You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.
**Edit**: Grammar, thanks to /u/linktothepast99
A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.
Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.
-Soy milk.
-Hola milk, soy tu padre.
Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone
They are just waiting their turn.
EDIT
oh haha didN't realise this got so many upvotes thanks guys :D is there a way to edit the title for the spelling error?
The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"
and asks,
"Mom, why does everyone think we are stupid?"
Her mum chuckles and says
"Bring me a pot"
A bit confused, the daughter goes and grabs a pot from the kitchen and hands it to her mom. Soon after the mother starts knocking on the pot.
The daughter turns to the door and says,
"Mom! Someone is at the door!"
The mom chuckles and says,
"See, this is why people think Blondes are stupid...
now hold this pot so I can go answer the door."
*Edit* Changed gender of daughter back, sorry tumblr.
One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my ball sack on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.
A blonde goes out to buy a TV at a department store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair brown. She then goes back to the store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: I'm sorry but we don't sell to blondes.
Amazed she goes out and dyes her hair ginger. She later returns to the store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
Blonde: How did you know I'm blonde?
Clerk: Because that's a Microwave.
[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.
Son : Dad, am I adopted?
Dad : If we really wanted to adopt, we would have chosen someone better.
E^dit : formatting
she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"
*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."
A woman
Bill Clinton steps off a plane with two Arkansas razorbacks under each arm and then is greeted by a Marine who is saluting him. Bill tells the Marine "Son I would salute you but as you can see I got my hands full with these succulent hogs. I got one here for Hillary and one here for Chelsea." The Marine replies "A mighty fine trade, sir!"
edit - loving how the "alt-left" has come out of the woodworks on this one. Was just testing the waters. And the verdict...a lot(85%) of you have a quality sense of humor. You're alright.
A drunk guy comes out of the pub, lifts the dogs tail and looks at it. Than he just shakes his head and leaves.
After a few minutes another guy comes out and does the same thing.
The Policemen just wonder and say nothing.
When a third guy looks at the dog in this way, they stop him and ask what he is doing.
The drunk guy just says: "Sorry, but I had to look for myself. In there is a guy that claims there is a dog with two assholes standing in front of the pub."
Sorry it lost a little bit in the translation - I'm open for suggestions to make it better.
Disclaimer: I heard this joke from a friend at work. I've no idea where he heard it or if he happened to make it up. If someone could provide a source, I'll gladly edit the post.
~
A pirate walks into the bar and the bartender just stares at him. There's a paper towel stuck to his forehead. The pirate walks up, slams his hand on the counter and exclaims, "I need some rum!"
Ignoring the paper towel for now, the bartender complies. After a few more rounds, the pirate's loud and obnoxious and having a great time in general.
At the request of the next round, the bartender complies once again, this time asking, "Alright, I just have to know. Are you aware there's a paper towel stuck to your forehead?"
The pirate nods and sigh dejectedly. "Aye, I've got a bounty on me head."
One likes men and the other is disabled.
EDIT 2: I apologise if this offends some people. In 2017, you cannot be too careful.
You asked for it :D
one asks the other: "What year are you in?" "Well...2012. you ?"
*Edit. The title could be a joke on its own.
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school?
SON: At school *robot slaps son*
SON: Ok, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*
SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad*
MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom*
**
You will fail it. That's not how math fucking works.
Edit : I understand that 110/100 is a thing. This is just meant to be a joke that makes you laugh when you first see it.
And it gets stopped at the door by the bishop.
The bishop says, "Sir, I can't allow you in here."
"What? Why?" the particle responds.
"You call yourself the 'God particle.' That's blasphemy against our Lord."
"Oh, well, I guess that makes sense. Before I go, though, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah sure," the bishop responds. "Might as well."
"So," the Higgs Boson begins, "if you don't allow me in here, how do you have mass?"
...cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and kills any baby I put inside her.
On your mark, get set, go!
EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)
EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue commenting as long as this post remains visible! I'll get to them when I can c: this is fun!
and he asks her how much for a blowjob. The girl says $100.
"That's outrageous!" he says.
"Well thats my price" the prostitute replies.
"Ok" he says and hands her a $100 bill. He then proceeds to start jacking off.
"What are you doing?" the girl asks.
"For $100" he says "you ain't getting the easy one".
A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."
My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.
...He goes to the confession booth and says to the priest
"Father, I have a confession"
"Tell me all about it." The priest replies.
"Well during the war I was harbouring a 17 year old jewish girl." The man says
"The war's over now, that's nothing to be ashamed of."
"And every day she would come down from the attic, and we would have sex, twice on a sunday."
"It's okay," the priest replies "everybody has urges."
"Oh, and one more thing Father."
"Yes, you can tell me."
"Do you think I should tell her the war is over?"
I asked an old man why he was sitting by himself in a bar. He told me, "If you replace a light bulb, it doesn't mean that you're an electrician. If you fix a shoe, it doesn't mean that you're a cobbler. And, if you change your oil, it doesn't mean you're a mechanic. But, if you fuck one goat..."
*edit - I derp'd (your vs. you're)
Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus
EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery
Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend
We'll see how long that lasts.
A flat miner.
It's not hard.
Edit 1: Why was my title and username changed?
A Cop on horse says to little girl on bike,
"Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
**Edit** and not amd
Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Paddy's. Edit- Paddy's not patty's
The barkeep says, "you've got a steering wheel in your pants."
The pirate: "Aaarg! And it's driving me nuts!"
Edit * my dad may or may not have told me this joke..
Because they make up an awful lot of stuff.
I feel sorry for my friend Peter.
His hair's a mess.
His family's nuts.
His neighbor's an asshole.
On bad days, his girlfriend's a c---.
And his owner beats him.
'Cause if it's bothering you I'll stop.
*Edit*: It's supposed to be you're. I'm know I'm stupid. You can stop telling me.
Man : Honey, what do you love most about me?
Woman : I love your company the most darling!
Man : Wow really? that is so sweet of you my love
Woman : Um, it's still making money right?
*edit :forgot to mention that I remember this joke from Benny Hills show, not my own joke
*edit 2 : Benny Hills not Benn, autocorrect strikes again!
Then he takes a hammer, hammers on the crocodile's head and pulls out his penis. "*Does anybody else want to try this?*", he asks the audience. An old woman raises her hand and says: "*I'd like to try, but don't hit me too hard.*"
He's leaving of his own accord.
Air in the hands! Mother stickers! This is a fuck up!
Edit/ it's an attempt at a joke sorry I didn't know the real struggle of dyslexia.
I need some really good cop jokes for a cop buddy of mine who is retiring, he asked for us to bring him the best so I turned to you guys. Have a field day!
Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.
Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.
Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke?
Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.
Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.
Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had intercourse.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flash light!". The woman says,
"Me too, you've been eating grass for the past 15 minutes!"
Edit; Edited something.
I said, "excuse me, but you are out past curfew and I distinctly smell beer on your breath." "No dad, I'm sorry I'm home late but I wasn't drinking. My buddies and I were eating froglegs." So I looked at him and said, "I have been around for a while I know what beer smells like." He started to panic and said,"dad you're just smelling the hops."
EDIT : Apostrophe
Just wondering if anyone knows how to edit the thread title.
Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right
A paragraph, because they're too short to be an essay.
Because it's going to be a great future.
Quatro cinqo.
How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Periodically.
Is Silicon the same in English as in Spanish? Si.
The last time I told a chemistry joke there was no reaction.
Chemistry puns Im in my element.
What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium
Ion-estly cant think of anymore... All the good ones Argon!
Edit 1 just thought of this.
What does Barium Cobalt and Nitrogen make?
BaCoN
Automobile
and sees his neighbour's daughter throwing dirt into a hole. The man asks "What are you doing little girl?" and the little girl replies
"I'm burying my budgie". The man asks
"Why is the hole so big?" and she replies
"BECAUSE IT'S IN YOUR FUCKING CAT!"
EDIT!
Budgie is a type of Bird
But now I'm not sure.
When it is ajar.
Edit (back story): the origin of this joke came from a road trip back when I was in highschool (about 17 years ago). My buddy left the car door open and the dash displayed "the door is ajar". He thought it was funny, since we're use to seeing the "door open" icon and wouldn't stop telling the joke.
Not surprised it's been heard / told before but just happen to never hear it from any other source.
when he sees the register he shouts "hi bitch I would like to open an account in your fucking bank"
The register replies "C'mon sir you don't have to shout like that, this is a very respectable bank here"
- Don't make me wait you idiot, open my account right fucking now !!
- sorry sir but i'll have to call the director of the bank
The director comes and then asks the man : Why are you shouting like this sir ?
- I have won 1M$ at the lottery and i would like to open an account in your fucking bank.
The director replies : "And this fucking bitch is bothering you ?"
*EDIT : silly changed by fucking thanks to BuddyProductions0 and other corrections*
Wow, I'm not straight at all...
I told her to make up her mind.
*
The Navy Seals just invented a new drink, the "bin Laden". Two shots to the face and a splash of water.
Ninja
A German child was playing outside. Eventully, he was so exhausted that he went inside and asked his mother for a drink. She brings him a cup of water. After a sip, he asks "Mother, why can't I have something sweeter?" She replies, "I couldn't give you anything else because our Führer does not want us to have juice in our house."
*Acne waits until you're a teen to come on your face*
^^^^^^^^^^edit^^^^^^^^^^, ^^^^^^^^^^grammar
It was on a strict diet of worms.
...when the plane starts going down. Unfortunately there was only 3 parachutes.
Bill says "I was president of the United States so i should take one."
So he grabs a chute and jumps.
Hillary says "I'm the smartest person in the world, so i should go."
So she grabs a chute and jumps.
Then the elderly man says "I've lived my life boy, you take the last chute"
The boy says "Wait there's still two parachutes, the smartest person in the world took my backpack"
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Edit? Well, here are the best jokes about Edit to have fun with.