Following is our collection of Edit funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.
"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
​
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.
Because they are more likely to be dead
Take your foot off his head.
**
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Since she can't even beat an egg
Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure
Apparently not.
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A: 1 GB
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
They were having a mid-life crisis.
Brothel sprouts
Get it?
**Ag**stralia
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.
(
Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
**
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.
Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier
Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
Sperm bank employee: Oh no
Me: What
Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
But to others, it's a whole sentence
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
He disappeared without a tres.
Plagiarism.
---
EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.
Because number two shocked him.
You may be entitled to condensation.
EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand
Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner
Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.
In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.
~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.
She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".
The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."
And no one came.
A man was on a plane when a stewardess approached him and said "Would you like some headphones?" To which the man replied "Yes I would, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
*
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters
~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
I'm sad as a coconut.
One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her. * Beverly Hills ninja edit... rotates to revolves
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
Would it release nine eleven next year
Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all
None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.
And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'
So this kid gets home around 6 and his dad asks "where were you?" The kid replies "at my girlfriends studying." The dad says "ok come sit down supper is ready." After a few minutes the kid says "This is great fish dad." The dad replies "Go wash your hands, it's chicken."
The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."
v
EDIT*: Looks like my CTRL key is broken
A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.
Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.
Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"
He said "I am very hungry."
"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."
You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.
-Soy milk.
-Hola milk, soy tu padre.
Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone
They are just waiting their turn.
EDIT
oh haha didN't realise this got so many upvotes thanks guys :D is there a way to edit the title for the spelling error?
The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"
One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my ball sack on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.
[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.
Son : Dad, am I adopted?
Dad : If we really wanted to adopt, we would have chosen someone better.
E^dit : formatting
she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"
*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.
Stranger: What is your name, sad lady
Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat
Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it.
One likes men and the other is disabled.
EDIT 2: I apologise if this offends some people. In 2017, you cannot be too careful.
one asks the other: "What year are you in?" "Well...2012. you ?"
*Edit. The title could be a joke on its own.
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
And it gets stopped at the door by the bishop.
The bishop says, "Sir, I can't allow you in here."
"What? Why?" the particle responds.
"You call yourself the 'God particle.' That's blasphemy against our Lord."
"Oh, well, I guess that makes sense. Before I go, though, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah sure," the bishop responds. "Might as well."
"So," the Higgs Boson begins, "if you don't allow me in here, how do you have mass?"
A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."
My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.
Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus
EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery
Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend
The barkeep says, "you've got a steering wheel in your pants."
The pirate: "Aaarg! And it's driving me nuts!"
Edit * my dad may or may not have told me this joke..
Because they make up an awful lot of stuff.
Edit : was.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.