eclipse Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious eclipse puns

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

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I'm taking my wife for skydiving.

So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.

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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

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The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.

It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

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How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

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If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...

I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!

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You can use a colander to look at the eclipse

But be careful you don't strain your eyes

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Thankfully, someone created an online resource for everyone who suffered retinal damage watching the solar eclipse.

It truly is a site for sore eyes.

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Know your eclipses.

Earth between sun and moon: Lunar eclipse.
Moon between sun and Earth: Solar eclipse.
Sun between moon and Earth: Apoceclypse.

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I couldn't see the eclipse of the sun today! 😡

Friggin' moon was in the way! 😡

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Cheesy Jokes/ Lame Jokes. They make my day.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

Why did the cookie go to hospital?
Because he was feeling a little crummy.

Why was the mushroom happy?
Because he was a fungi.

How do you organise a party in space?
You planet.

How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with.

Hear about the Italian chef?
He pasta way.

What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing they just waved.

Did you hear about the movie constipated?
It never came out.

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How does the sun cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

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Total Eclipse Today

I tried using a colander to view the eclipse.

I think I've strained my eyes.

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RIP to all the vampires

who got fooled by the solar eclipse.

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Fun fact: 99% of voters who live in the "path of totality" for the upcoming solar eclipse voted for trump.

Which is ironic, because the *last* thing they wanted to do is make the country darker.

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They shouldn't let students outside to see the eclipse today

They need to protect their pupils.

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GUYS. If you missed the eclipse today, there's going to be a secondary one later.

It's at 8:01 PM. The earth will block out the sun and it will go completely dark during a period of about 10 1/2 hours.

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A boy asks his father what is the meaning of the Solar Eclipse?

The father replies "No son"

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Why can't Java programmers see well?

Because of the eclipse

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My sex life is like the eclipse.

It doesnt happen often and only lasts a minute or so.

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Military Humor

I had to translate. You can help me fix it.


Lieutenant Colonel to Major:
There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won't be able to see it anyway, assemble everyone in the gymnasium.


Major to Captain:
Per Colonel's order, tomorrow at 9am there will be ceremonial solar eclipse. If there is a need for rain, Lieutenant Colonel will give a separate order in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Captain to Lieutenant:
Per Colonel's order tomorrow at 9am there will be solar eclipse. In the event of rain the solar eclipse will occur in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Lieutenant to Sergeant:
Tomorrow at 9am Colonel will perform solar eclipse in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Sergeant to Corporal:
"Tomorrow at 9am there will be eclipsing of Colonel because of the sun. If it is raining in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day, assemble all soldiers on the exercise field.


Two privates talking to each other:
Seems it will rain tomorrow. The sun will eclipse Colonel in the gymnasium. I wonder why it does not happen every day.

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Damn girl are you an eclipse??

Because you're standing in front of your hot friends and I can barely see them around you!

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I looked at the eclipse without glasses.

Now I will get to see it for the rest of my life.

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What do you call a deaf woman during a solar eclipse.

Whatever you want to. It's not like she's going to know.

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How does an astronaut cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

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How does the moon get a haircut?

Eclipse it

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How is the eclipse like jail?

Without proper protection, your gonna get fucked over.

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My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony

Daylight robbery

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Your mom went outside for the first time in 38 years...

Everyone just called it an eclipse though.

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Eclipse is an acronym

* Eyes
* Cannot
* Look
* Into
* Partial
* Solar
* Eclipse

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Why does everyone care about the eclipse?

Probably because it's significance is astronomical.

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A solar eclipse is like watching a woman breastfeed in public

It's beautiful, it's free, but under no circumstances should you look at it.

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The eclipse kind of reminded me of my father...

...they appear every so many years and expect people to care

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How do you take a picture of an eclipse without a camera?

Stare at it for 30 seconds

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I've been wondering what the eclipse looks like...

But I've been kept in the dark.

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What are the most funny Eclipse jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Eclipse? Well, here are the best Eclipse dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Eclipse pick up lines to share with friends.

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