Eats Jokes

125 eats jokes and hilarious eats puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eats that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Gobble up some laughs with Hamburgers and Uber Eats! From snacker jokes to hearty puns, get ready to have a good time while you eat. Delicious grub and giggles have never been so close!

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Funniest Eats Short Jokes

Short eats jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eats humour may include short eater jokes also.

  1. A man is on trial for cannibalism A man is on trial for cannibalism.
    He says to the judge,
    "Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."
  2. Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.
  3. You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there? Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
  4. "Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat... And therefore my client is an innocent man!"
  5. 6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9? Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
  6. Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer. One says, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
    The other one goes, 'No'.
  7. What's the difference between a pizza and a hippy chick? You don't peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it
  8. Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
    Trump 20:16
  9. daughter made up a cute knock knock joke: Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Let's eat…
    Let's eat who?
    What are you a cannibal?
  10. I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

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Eats One Liners

Which eats one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eats? I can suggest the ones about eating and eating food.

  1. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
  2. 6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9? Because he needed 3² meals a day.
  3. 6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat? BAMBOOM!
  4. Why did 7 eat 9? Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day
    I'm sorry
  5. What do you call a witch that only eats sand? Malnourished.
  6. TIL humans eat more banana than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
  7. Did you know it's impossible to eat baklava underground? Because then it's bakmagma
  8. Mama, is this safe to eat? No honey... it's for storing our valuables.
  9. What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
  10. "When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat..." the vowels."
    Friend: "Why?"
    Me: "Sometimes."
  11. What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh?? You gonna eat that?
  12. When do you start on red and stop on green? When you're eating a watermelon!
  13. My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat
  14. What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.
  15. What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients? A vegetarian.

Eats Bacon Jokes

Here is a list of funny eats bacon jokes and even better eats bacon puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"
    To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
  • How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.
  • I just had a physical. The doctor said: Don't eat anything fatty. I said, Like bacon and burgers?
    He said, No fatty, don't eat anything!
  • I went to the doctor's recently. He told me, Don't eat anything fatty. Me: You mean like bacon and burgers?
    Doctor: No fatty. Don't eat anything.
  • I went to the doctors recently He said, Don't eat anything fatty
    I respond, What, like bacon and burgers?
    He said, No fatty, don't eat anything.
  • I had a checkup at the doctor recently, he told me, Don't eat anything fatty. I said, What, like bacon and burgers?
    He said, No, fatty don't eat anything.
  • A Muslim temporarily forgets that he's not allowed to eat bacon... hamnesia
  • If you had to choose... Between eating bacon everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose applewood or hickory smoked?
  • My doctor said I had to lose some weight..... He said, Stop eating fatty.
    I asked, You mean like fried foods and bacon?
    He said, No fatty, just stop eating.
  • How many vegans does it take to eat a cheese and bacon burger? One as long as noone is watching.

Uber Eats Jokes

Here is a list of funny uber eats jokes and even better uber eats puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it... Because revenge is a dish best served cold
  • I order my ex girlfriend a meal she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it because... Revenge is a dish best served cold
  • Thanks to Uber Eats, ordering Chinese takeaway for a picnic is as easy as a wok in the park.
  • I called Uber eats today I had them bring me a DiGiorno.
Eats joke, I called Uber eats today

Eats joke, I called Uber eats today

Silly Eats Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

What funny jokes about eats you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean chews jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eats pranks.

A panda walks into a cáfe.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.
Why? Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.
I'm a panda, he says at the door, look it up.
The waiter flips to the page about pandas, and it says, Panda. Large black and white bear-like animal native to China. Eats, Shoots, and leaves
Credits: Eats, Shoots, and Leaves

A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"b**...! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.

While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.
After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.
The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up p**... in the dictionary, a person who trades s**... for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.
Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.

A panda walks into a restaurant

He orders his food just like normal. The waiter brings it out and he eats his meal. When the check comes, the panda pulls out a shotgun and shoots the waiter. He then promptly leaves. The cook sees this and says "Hey what was that for!?" The panda replies "I'm a panda. Look me up in the dictionary." Once the panda left, the cook brought out a dictionary and looked up the word "panda."
"Panda - a black and white bear. Native to China. Eats chutes and leaves."

If John has 50 candy bars and eats 45, what does John have?

Diabetes. John has diabetes.

Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?

Billy has diabetes.

Chinese Proverb

Catch a man a fish and he eats for day. Teach a man to fish and you never see him on weekends.

Kill the Dragon

An evil and powerful dragon lives near a village.
It eats a v**... from the village every week.
No one can defeat it.
One day a hero comes and attempts to kill the dragon.
He finds that the dragon is too power to be defeated.
He decides to kill the dragon with intelligence.
Several months later, the dragon is starved to death.

A cat eats a slice of swiss cheese...

and sits by the mousetrap with baited breath.

So an Israeli and an Iranian are sitting under a tree...

A caterpillar falls on the Israeli, who looks at it in disgust and flicks it onto the Iranian. The Iranian pops it into his mouth and eats it without a second glance.
A few minutes later, another caterpillar lands on the Israeli. The Israeli turns to the Iranian and says, "Would you like to buy a caterpillar?"

My dad eats lightbulbs

One day these three little boys were bragging about their dads. The first little boy said, "my daddy can lift 100lbs. over his head." The second little boy said, "thats nothing my daddy can lift 200lbs. over his head." The third little boy said, "Thats nothing my daddy can eat light bulbs!" The other two little boys were like really hows that? the boy said, "Yeah i heard my daddy tell my mommy in the bed room the other night you turn that light off and I'll eat that thang!

A panda walks into a restaurant

and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter.
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"
"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!
"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling-mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white-coloring. Eats, shoots and leaves."

What is green and eats nuts?


A koala goes to a brothel

So a koala goes to a brothel and does the deed with the p**.... When they are finished, he gets up and starts to head out the door. The p**... stops him and says "Hey! The definition of p**... is we have s**... for money!" The koala looks at her and says, "Well the definition of koala is eats bushes and leaves."

Two magicians walk into a bakery

The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit. The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he'd like to see a magic trick. The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclaims "Ta-Dah." The bakery is angered and asks "Well what's the magic trick?" The second magician replies "Look in my friend's pocket."

An anthropologist visits a tribe that eats only meat...

An anthropologist visits an exclusively carnivorous tribe in previously uncharted deep-jungle territory and word gets around about this strange woman who eats plants.
M'buk says to T'gru, "Have you heard about this woman who eats *plants?*"
T'gru gets this puzzled look and says "no, I've never heard of herbivore!"

When does a cub become a boy scout?

When he eats his first brownie

If you know an Arab, you don't have to steal...

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.
The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."
The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you dishonest Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."

What do you call it when a banana eats another banana?


A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders one of everything. The panda finishes up his meal and his bill comes the panda stands up and shoots the waiter. The manager comes out of the back and goes you've eaten all my food and shot my staff and wont even pay your bill what's wrong with you? The panda reply's "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" The manager goes and gets a dictionary he looks up panda and the definition is "Eats shoots and leaves"

What do you call a dinosaur that only eats the most delicious food?

A connoisaur

A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"

A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.
The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."
The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.
They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.
In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.
The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

A panda bear walks into a resturant..

And orders some food, after his meal the server comes out and asks how everything was and the panda bear pulls a gun a shoots him. The manager comes out and says "hey man what's going on?" The panda bear replies "I'm a panda bear Google it.." and leaves. The manager curiously Googled panda bear and was reading "panda bear: black and white bear, eats chutes and leaves."

A panda walks into a bar

sits down and asks the bartender for food. after eating, gets up, takes out a gun and kills the bartender. as he is leaving, a shocked onlooker asks him "why did you do that?" and he answers "Hey. I'm a Panda. It's what I do."
in confusion, they look it up in an encyclopedia.
Panda. Mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.

An American, a German, a Jew and a Chinese guy were walking through the woods...

A caterpillar falls on the American. The American throws it to the German, the German throws it to the Jew and the Jew throws it to the Chinese guy, who eats it. They walk a bit more and another caterpillar falls on the American. He throws to it the German, the German throws it to the Jew. The Jew turns the Chinese guy and tells him - "hey man, wanna buy a caterpillar?"

A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali are sitting under a tree.

A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali are sitting under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder.
The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it.
Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and asks the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"

If a feminist has 15 cupcakes

And she eats 13 of them, why is she wearing leggins?

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

What do you call a male cow that eats hamburgers?

A cannibull..ha..ha..?

Give a man a pizza and he eats for a day

Teach a man how to make a pizza and he will work minimum wage

A Panda Walks Into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up, stretches, and pulls out a gun. He proceeds to shoot everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one's mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It's also mine.


Give a white man an ear of corn, he eats for a day
Teach a white man to grow corn, he steals all your land

A panda walks into a bar...

And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'


A penguin is driving along in his car when it breaks down. Fortunately, there's a mechanic nearby and the car can be repaired.
While the car is in the garage, the penguin decides to waddle to the town to get a vanilla ice-cream. He eats it but forgets to wipe his mouth.
When he returns to the garage, the mechanic says "I think you blew a seal". The penguin replies "Nope, that's just ice-cream!"

A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Kid: No, minding his own business.

What do you call a camel that eats another camel?

A camibal

If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have?

Type 2 diabetes

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...

Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!
Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

What's 200 feet long and eats potatoes?

Communists waiting in line to buy meat.

What's yellow and eats nuts?


Give a man some corn, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

There's a joke working its way around the White House recently...

...It eats cheeseburgers in bed and wants to build a wall.

Good night kids

Me : good night kids
Kids : good night dad
Me : good night monster under the bed who eats bad kids
Wife ( through radio under the bed) : good night

What do you call a dog that eats too much c**...?


A man walks into a bear

The bear says "unfortunate typo" and eats him

When I...

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.
After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink.
After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food.
After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette.
After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"

What do you call a cat who eats a lemon?

A sourpuss.

What's the difference between a squirrel and a cannibal necrophiliac?

One eats nuts and berries, the other nuts, eats then buries.

What do you call a Scandinavian who only eats plants?

A Nor-vegan!

A panda walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he knew any p**... around so he points to this lady sitting afar so he goes over and talks to her and both of them head to a motel... After they finish she asks him

"Arent you going to pay me?" The panda was surprised and asked her why... She told him to look up p**... and it clearly said (has s**... in exchange for money) the panda laughed and told her to look up panda and it said "eats bush and leaves"

A guy walks into a bar

He takes some of the free peanuts, but before he eats one, it says Hey, cool shirt . Guy says to the bartender Those peanuts are pretty nice . Bartender says Yeah, they're complimentary

A larger-than-life character, Big Tony, walks into a bar.

Big Tony orders a drink. He bellows out, "when Big Tony drinks, everybody drinks!" The patrons of the bar all rush to get served their favorite tipple.
Then he orders some food. "When Big Tony eats, everybody eats!" Suddenly the kitchen is overwhelmed.
He places a twenty on the bar, and as he walks out, he bellows "When Big Tony pays, everybody pays!"

Old lady on the bus

she hands the bus driver some peanuts, to which he says "thank you" and eats them all.
Few moments later she hands him some more peanuts. This time he says "oh no thank you, why don't you eat them". Old lady replies " oh i couldn't possibly do that, I have no teeth you see".
"That's a bit odd, why do you buy them if you can't eat them?" Driver says.
Old lady replies "I only like the chocolate coating"

Bob has 69 candy bars. He eats 42 of them and then stops eating. What does he have now?


I want to tell you about a girl I know who only eats plants...'ve probably never heard of herbivore.

Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?

He only eats Brians

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he'll turn around and teach you to fish like he invented it and you're an idiot

Who eats Five Guys for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Jeffrey d**...

What do you call a person who eats chocolate with ketchup?

An idiot. You call them an idiot.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.

What do you get when you have a cat that eats a lemon?

A sour p**...

My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning.

It's just his daily poutine.

If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?


A panda goes to a restaurant.

After finishing his meal, he takes out a gun and shoots 3 shots at the ceiling. He then exits the restaurant. A guy outside who saw the whole thing asks, Hey! Why'd you do that?!
The panda replies, I'm a panda. Look me up in the dictionary.
Panda: eats shoots and leaves

A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
"Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

What's green and eats nuts?


A panda bear walks into a restaurant

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it.
After eating, he pulls out a p**..., kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.
The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."
The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out of the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading 'Panda'. It reads:
'Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.'

[OC] I came up with it on the toilet

My personal trainer told me eat healthy like he does. I eat healthy, but not like him. He eats super clean and that is hard for me. I asked him what would be the benefit for me? He said he eats so clean he doesn't even have to p**... anymore.
I think he's full of c**....

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

You've probably never heard of herbivore.

An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal

"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.
The individual pulls out a $50 bill.
"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.
"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.

A nice old lady gives a bus driver some nuts…

A nice old lady on a bus offers the bus driver some peanuts, the driver happily eats them.
Every five minutes the old lady hands the driver a handful of nuts, eventually he asks:
Why don't you eat them yourself?
To which the old lady replies
I don't have any teeth, look
So the driver looking confused then asks
So why do you buy them then?
The old lady gives a nice smile and responds
I just enjoy the chocolate coating around them

If Bill Gates eats American food and Ghandi eats Indian food, what food does Usain Bolt eat?

fast food

A couple is having a dinner at home.

A couple is having a dinner at home.A husband has a big piece of steak with the small piece of steak on his plate.He decided to give his wife the smaller one and he eats the bigger one.

The wife then remembers her past:"When we were first married,you give me the bigger steak and eat the smaller one. Now you don't love me anymore!!"

The husband replies:"That's nonsense darling,you cook better now!"

What happens when 50 Cent eats his food?

Fifty ate.
Okay I'll just see myself out.. sorry.

Life is all a matter of perspective

For example, I know a guy who eats three square meals a day, reads two books a week, works out twice a day, has s**... every week...and STILL he complains about being in prison!

Long ago in a far away land,

A hero comes upon a village. The villagers all look very upset, so the hero asks what happened.
"There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it comes down and eats one of our v**... girls" one of the villagers replies.
The hero then promises to help with their predicament and gets to work.
In three weeks' time, the dragon starved to death.

Eats joke, Long ago in a far away land,

jokes about eats