Eats Bacon Jokes
71 eats bacon jokes and hilarious eats bacon puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eats bacon that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Eats Bacon Short Jokes
Short eats bacon jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eats bacon humour may include short bacon jokes also.
- I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"
To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! " - I just had a physical. The doctor said: Don't eat anything fatty. I said, Like bacon and burgers?
He said, No fatty, don't eat anything! - I went to the doctor's recently. He told me, Don't eat anything fatty. Me: You mean like bacon and burgers?
Doctor: No fatty. Don't eat anything. - I went to the doctors recently He said, Don't eat anything fatty
I respond, What, like bacon and burgers?
He said, No fatty, don't eat anything. - I had a checkup at the doctor recently, he told me, Don't eat anything fatty. I said, What, like bacon and burgers?
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He said, No, fatty don't eat anything. - If you had to choose... Between eating bacon everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose applewood or hickory smoked?
- My doctor said I had to lose some weight..... He said, Stop eating fatty.
I asked, You mean like fried foods and bacon?
He said, No fatty, just stop eating. - How many vegans does it take to eat a cheese and bacon burger? One as long as noone is watching.
- What's the difference between a Jewish man's wife and a pound of bacon? Jewish men don't eat bacon.
- What's the difference between British Columbian prostitutes and bacon? Pigs don't eat bacon.
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Eats Bacon One Liners
Which eats bacon one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eats bacon? I can suggest the ones about eats and bacon and eggs.
- How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.
- A Muslim temporarily forgets that he's not allowed to eat bacon... hamnesia
- I love bacon. Everytime I eat it I get a lard-on.
- Why don't Muslims eat bacon? Because they don't want to become Mufats!
- I eat so much bacon my friends gave me a nickname... Kermit the frog.
- My coworker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger. It was mine.
- My dad keeps giving me slack for eating so much bacon
- What do you call a primate who loves to eat bacon and make honey? Haram Bee
- My doctor told me to watch what I eat, but I love bacon So I went to a hog farm
- What do you call eating bacon and eggs on Christmas night? Yule's Brinner
- What does a Muslim man tell his wife when she eats bacon? HARAM BAE
- What does someone do after they eat too much bacon? They go hog wild
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Eats Bacon Jokes
What funny jokes about eats bacon you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bacon eggs jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eats bacon pranks.
A priest and a rabbi are stuck on an elevator.
They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."
The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."
The priest nods, empathetically. The rabbi then asks the priest a question. "Did you ever...you know...sleep with a woman?"
The priest replied, "Yes, in a period of weakness during my first year in seminary. I met a young woman at a cafe and one thing led to another and, well, yes. We had s**...."
"I see," the rabbi nodded, knowingly, before adding. "It's a heckuva lot better than bacon, isn't it?"
A priest and a rabbi are stuck in an elevator .
They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."
The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."
The priest nods, empathetically. The rabbi then asks the priest a question. "Did you ever...you know...do anything?"
The priest replied, "Yes, in a period of weakness during my first year in seminary. I was feeling lonely and down and well... I m**...."
"I see," the rabbi nodded, knowingly, before adding. "Well that sure beats meat."
Why didn't Jesus eat bacon?
It wasn't because he was Jewish, it's because he didn't exsist.
Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
Three salesmen, an Englishman, a French man, and an American, meet in an airport...
and eventually the topic turns to s**....
The Englishman says, "Before I left for this trip, I made love to my wife 3 times. The next morning she woke up and made me a big breakfast of fried bacon, potatoes and eggs. As I went out the door she gave me a passionate kiss and told me last night was amazing and she was the happiest woman in the kingdom."
The Frenchman says, "Hah! Before I left I made love to my wife 7 times and the next morning she made me a huge breakfast of omelettes, crepes, and croissants. As I sat down to eat she slid into my lap and told me she could never love another man."
Then the Englishman and Frenchman turn to the American. He shrugs,"Before I left, I made love to my wife once. "
His friends start laughing. "Once? Just once? What did your wife say to you in the morning?"
"Don't stop."
Three starving guys are wandering in a desert...
They come across a tree, but instead of leaves, it has strips of bacon. They happily climb the tree and start eating the bacon, until they hear a gunshot and one of the guys falls over, dead.
It wasn't a bacon tree.
It was a ham-bush.
(Not sure if this has been posted before, hope you enjoy.)
If Timmy has 28 Peices of bacon and he eats 16 what does Timmy have?
Happiness. Timmy has happiness.
Rabbi and priest are sitting together on a plane
They immediately hit it off and are having a lively discussion when their meals are served. The priest notices the rabbi's kosher meal and asks,
" I know that Jewish people do not eat any pork, but I was wondering if you have ever tasted bacon?"
The rabbi answers, " when we were little, my parents were not religious, and I have to admit, we ate bacon! Along the same lines, have you ever had s**... relations?"
The priest pauses and lowers his head. " When I was a teenager, I was quite the wild one, and I have to admit, it's better than bacon."
A woman was riding the bus with her kid
*[Translated from a foreign language. Hope it works.]*
A woman was riding a bus along with her young, hyper-active son, trying hard to get him to eat some breakfast.
"Eat your eggs Johnny, or I'm going to give it to the man in the back". The kid, not interested, continued playing around.
A few minutes later, the woman tried again, "eat your bacon Johnny, or I'm going to give it to the man in the back". The kid was now fascinated by something outside the window and continued ignoring his mother.
A while later, the woman, now very frustrated, cried out, "Johnny, eat your pancakes or I'm going to give it to the man in the back."
Suddenly an exasperated voice called out from the back of the bus, "ma'am, please make your decision, I've missed four stops already".
A farm boy comes down to eat some breakfast
On the table, is bacon, eggs and a huge glass of milk. However, before the boy could have anything, his mom demanded that he take out the garbage.
Angry at the world, the boy goes outside to take the garbage. On his way back inside, he stops at the pig pen, and kicks a pig in anger. He stops at the chicken coup and kicks a chicken in anger. He then stops at the cow barn and kicks a cow in anger.
Back inside, the boy feeling better, sits down. Only to find a bowl of dry cereal. He exclaims, "What's this?!"
The mom replies, "Well, because you kicked the pig, you get no bacon. Because you kicked the chicken, you get no eggs. And because you kicked the cow you get no milk."
Suddenly, an angry voice comes from the other room. Tripping, the dad kicks the cat in anger.
The boy responds, "Wanna tell him or should I?"
Breakfast Wife
(Overheard at work)
I was eating breakfast at a dinner with the old lady when the man at the next booth says to his wife, "Please pass the sugar, sugar".
A short time later at the booth on the opposite side of me, the man says to his wife, "Please pass the honey, honey".
Annoyed, my wife says to me "How come you never talk sweet to me like that?"
"Ok", I say, "Please pass the bacon, pig."
Bacon....
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.
Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
Topical Jokes for 1/31
The CEO of McDonald's has announced he'll be resigning later this year. It's the first time in history that a McDonald's employee has quit and given more than five seconds notice.
The New Hampshire lottery is selling scratch 'n sniff tickets that smell like bacon. The aroma is there to remind people that if they didn't waste their money on lottery tickets, they could afford to eat bacon.
In Alabama, a truck driver caused a mile-long traffic jam when he swerved off the road while trying to pull out a loose tooth. Drivers slowed down to look, because people in Alabama had never seen someone who has a tooth.
Suge Knight is suspected of running a man over with his car after an argument. The argument was about whether or not there's a pumpkin-flavored Jelly Belly.
...running over someone with your car seems crazy, but you have to keep in mind that Suge Knight's motto is Live every day like it's 'The Purge.'
I had to get rid of a friend...
I had to get rid of a friend at college this week. He did nothing but steal my hoodies and eat bacon in every class. I asked him why, and he responded "Keep your friend's clothes, and your enemy's kosher".
The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.
Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.
Did you hear about the people who were sick in June from eating bacon past its use by date?
It was mayhem.
A fact about terrorism.
If you eat bacon there is a 100% chance you aren't a s**... bomber.
So i used to work with a Muslim
This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.
"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"
"Will you e**... bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,
"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.
So I let him go. I'm not having anyone steal my breakfast
What did the Muslim boyfriend tell his girlfriend when he saw her eating bacon?
That's Harambe.
Bacon tree
Two soldiers are sat on top of a hill looking for targets. One says to the other
"Hey bob, is that...is that a bacon tree?"
"I don't know Jim, go have a look while I stay here and cover our backs"
Jim goes for a closer look and Bob stays on the hill eating his lunch. After a while Jim returns with about ten arrows in his chest.
"My god what happened? Was it a bacon tree?"
"No Bob, turned out to be a ham bush"
(Repost because I s**... up) You know how Muslims can't eat pork?
I mean if I couldn't eat bacon, I would want to fly a plane into a building.
(Yeah this joke bombed)
If I want to go to a place that has lots of oil wells and uses the death penalty excessively...
I'll go to Texas. At least there I can eat bacon.
I hate it when I'm running on the treadmill and I accidentally hit the stop button...
and I have to get off and go eat a bacon double cheeseburger.
People who eat bacon...
People who eat bacon have a higher risk of a heart attack.
People who don't have an increased risk of bringing the twin towers down.
Restaurant Order
A resident in a hotel breakfast room called the waiter to his table.
"I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a p**... of very weak coffee, luke-warm."
"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."
The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"
I like to start each day with a well-balanced breakfast.
So I stand on one foot and eat a pound of bacon.
Why are police officers allowed to eat bacon
Cannibalism shouldn't be allowed in a civilized society
Fatty foods
I went to the doctors recently and the doctor was s**...
He said: Don't eat anything fatty
I said: What, like bacon and burgers?
He said, No. fatty don't eat anything.
I don't get why people find push button, receive bacon amusing
I just want to dry my hands, not eat breakfast - with wet hands
What do you call a Russian cattle that does not eat bacon and prays five times a day?
A Mos-cow
What's the difference between a freaky girl and a freaky vegan chick?
A freaky girl will toss your salad, a vegan will eat it and toss your bacon.
I went to the Dr today. He said " don't eat anything fatty".
So I asked "what like burgers and bacon"?
He said, "No, fatty. Don't eat anything"
Why are Muslims and Jews not allowed to eat bacon, which is pork at its best?
Because they also cannot handle pigs at their wurst.
They say each s**... of bacon you eat takes one second off your life...
I did the math, I should have died in 1774.
A large man goes to his doctor concerned about his weight.
I really need to lose some weight. What is the best way to do that?
The doctor replied, Don't eat anything fatty.
What, you mean stuff like burgers and chips, pizza, bacon, etc?
No, as I said before, fatty, don't eat anything"
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, Don't eat anything fatty.
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, Don't eat anything fatty.
I said, What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?
He said, No fatty, just don't eat anything.
I went to the doctor...
I went to the doctor recently and he said "Don't eat anything fatty." So I asked "So you mean like bacon and cheesecake and stuff like that?" And he said "No fatty, don't eat anything."