Eating Jokes
192 eating jokes and hilarious eating puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eating that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with this collection of hilarious jokes about eating! From jokes about eating out to eating too much, eating healthy to eating fish, this article is full of puns and quips that will have you in stitches! Whether it's about eating cake or eating chicken, lasagna or simply just eating, discover the funniest jokes about food and eating now!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Eating Short Jokes
Short eating jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eating humour may include short diet jokes also.
- A man is on trial for cannibalism A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,
"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man." - Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.
- You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there? Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
- "Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat... And therefore my client is an innocent man!"
- 6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9? Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
- Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer. One says, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
The other one goes, 'No'. - What's the difference between a pizza and a hippy chick? You don't peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it
- Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16 - daughter made up a cute knock knock joke: Knock knock
Who's there?
Let's eat…
Let's eat who?
What are you a cannibal? - I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
Share These Eating Jokes With Friends
Eating One Liners
Which eating one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eating? I can suggest the ones about feeding and bite.
- What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
- 6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9? Because he needed 3² meals a day.
- 6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat? BAMBOOM!
- Why did 7 eat 9? Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day
I'm sorry - What do you call a witch that only eats sand? Malnourished.
- TIL humans eat more banana than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
- Did you know it's impossible to eat baklava underground? Because then it's bakmagma
- Mama, is this safe to eat? No honey... it's for storing our valuables.
- What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
- "When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat..." the vowels."
Friend: "Why?"
Me: "Sometimes." - What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh?? You gonna eat that?
- When do you start on red and stop on green? When you're eating a watermelon!
- My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat
- What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.
- What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients? A vegetarian.
Eating Food Jokes
Here is a list of funny eating food jokes and even better eating food puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life? A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.
- Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's? Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...
- My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it." Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.
- Why do French people eat snails? Because they don't like fast food.
- My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
- "I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time." Said the Malaysian shark.
- Why do they eat snail in France? Because they don't have fast food.
- 2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches. The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"
The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches. - I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth I never realized just how much blood I was eating
- How much do you weigh after eating Chinese food? Wonton
Eating Too Much Jokes
Here is a list of funny eating too much jokes and even better eating too much puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.
- I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
- Why did the anime girl eat too much? Because her eyes were bigger than her stomach.
- My wife just told me that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I believe her, bananas are much easier to peel.
- The sin of Gluttony Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony. However, eating too much pie is okay because the sin of pi is always zero.
- Why do the French like to eat snails so much? They can't stand fast food
- How much dessert does a dieting Jedi eat at an Italian restaurant? Only one cannoli.
- My friends said if you floss you'll be amazed at how much food is stuck between your teeth. I don't remember eating this much blood
- Why didn't Barca fans eat anything this morning? Because they 8-2 much last night.
- Vegans Vegans are confusing people. If they care about animals so much, why do they eat all of their food?
Eating Fish Jokes
Here is a list of funny eating fish jokes and even better eating fish puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
- Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.
- Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.
- Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day Give a woman a fish and you're 'that weird fish guy.'
- Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, Teach a man to phish and he'll empty an old woman's savings account.
- Dark I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery. - Hacker Jesus Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man how to phish and he'll steal your bank password - Hacker Jesus
- What do sea monsters like to eat? Fish and ships
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day Give a man a puffer fish and he will eat for the rest of his life
Eating Vegetables Jokes
Here is a list of funny eating vegetables jokes and even better eating vegetables puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables? constipated
- Why won't cannibalistic children eat homosexuals and cripples? Because kids don't like to eat fruits and vegetables.
- Two cannibals are sitting around a campfire. One says to the other, "I hate my mother-in-law." The other says, "Then just eat the vegetables."
- Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients? The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.
- What does the cannibal do after eating his vegetables? Goes to eBay to see what he can sell the wheelchairs for.
- Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward? His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.
- My parents told me "you are what you eat" And thats why I don't eat vegetables.
- What's the worst thing about eating vegetables? Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
- If vegetarians eat vegetables What do humanitarians eat
- I went to my local all you can eat buffet... and there was this girl only choosing vegetables?
I thought, I've never seen herbivore.
Eating Disorder Jokes
Here is a list of funny eating disorder jokes and even better eating disorder puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have an eating disorder... I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
- My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried His life is at steak
- A girl came into my bookstore and asked... A girl came into my bookstore and asked, "what are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to nun? - Did you hear about the guy that tried to get a date at a facility for women with eating disorders? It was slim pickings.
- A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?" Slim to Nun?
- If Hannibal Lecter ran a 4.3 40 The NFL would just say he has an eating disorder
- Why is it obvious when a shark has an eating disorder? You can sea it's way too fin.
- What do you call a riot in a restaurant? An eating disorder
- I'm fat and get laughed at when I say I have an eating disorder But I wouldn't be fat if I could stop eating disorder, datorder, and da other one too
- I have an eating disorder. Eating 'dis order isn't enough
Uplifting Eating Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about eating you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean eats jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eating pranks.
The s**... position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Soviet Russian
are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The Frenchman says, "They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit."
The Englishman replies with, "Clearly they're English. Observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit."
The Russian then notes, "They are Russian of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise."
Little Boy Prayer
A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, we say a prayer before eating in our house! The little boy replies, yeah, that's in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!"
For my cake day, a joke...
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore...
I told him to grow a pear.
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .
The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
The police charged one and let the other one off.
I wish Johnny Rockets would stop claiming to be an authentic 40s diner...
... I see black people eating there All the time.
A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.
Apparently he is now in a stable condition.
little Johnny
Was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was l**... her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was s**... the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one s**... the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
Eating clocks is...
time consuming.
Sorry.
Priest and Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked, "Have you ever strayed from not eating pork?" The rabbi said, "Well, once, but there was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich."
Then the rabbi asked the priest, "Did you ever stray from your vow of celibacy?" The priest said, "Yes, just once."
And the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Why are l**... always low on cash?
Because they're constantly eating out!
Taste the soup
A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.
The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...
-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.
-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!
The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?
-Aha!
A wife texts her husband
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
The first clown says to the second "I think we're doing this joke wrong".
A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"
Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."
Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!
Two men sit down at a restaurant.
A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.
My daughter saw me eating prosciutto
True story: my daughter saw me eating prosciutto and clucked her tongue. "I think eating prosciutto is like, the worst thing a Jew can do."
I am Jewish, so I asked, "Why is that?"
"Well, it's pork and it's expensive."
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream while m**...?"
My wife and I were camping...
and an angry looking bear surprised us while we were eating. She looked at me and said "Should I give him some of the stew I made?"
I said, "No, he looks angry enough already."
A recently married couple...
A recently married couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. When the food was served, the husband said, "The food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: "Honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home. Won't you do that here?"
Husband: "That's at home sweetheart. Here the chef knows how to cook."
Letter from 7 to 6
Dear 6,
Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty n**... things together.
Sincerely,
7
Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...
.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"
The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."
The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?
Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.
Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down they want some too
Non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister.
It tastes the same but it's still wrong.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One turns to the other and asks, "*does this taste funny to you?*"
The other responds, "*no.*"
In 1466, Dracula started eating 16-year-old virgins.
In 2015, he died of starvation.
TIFU by eating my coworkers sandwich instead of mine.
oops wrong sub.
Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand?
San Diego
(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)
A woman goes to the doctor...
A woman goes to the doctor with a raspberry in her left nostril, a string bean in her right, a carrot in her right ear and a banana in her left. The woman says
"Doctor, I don't fell so well."
And the doctor replied
"Well for one thing, you're *definitely* not eating correctly."
The police arrested 2 kids today
One was eating batteries and the second was eating fireworks
They charged the first one and let the other off
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church.....
They all look at you with disgust, but deep down, you know they want some, too.
FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....
In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......
Couple in a Restaurant – Joke
Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant…
As the food was served, Husband said:
The Food looks delicious, let's eat.
Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook.
The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...
I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.
A boy was eating chocolate...
A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said
"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"
"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.
"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously
"No. He knew how to mind his own business."
A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...
Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.
Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.
Man : By eating chocolate?
Boy : No. By minding his own business.
My daughter told me she wanted a puppy for Christmas...
I told her "you're eating turkey like everyone else".
A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner.
Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"
Two clowns are eating a cannibal...
One turns to the other and says "Bob, I think we are telling this joke wrong..."
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.
Cannibal 1: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Cannibal 2: "Not at all, and there's plenty to go around!"
Chocolate is bad
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business.
Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...
Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"
He said "I am very hungry."
"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."
You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.
A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Kid: No, minding his own business.
"Should I be concerned about eating genetically modified tomatoes?"
Tomato: "No"
I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..
Took me hours to finish my meal.
A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs
She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
I love eating babies and smiling
but I hate punctuation
The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant
A few minutes later, the dinner was served.
Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.
Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.
When did Japanese start eating egg?
A long tamago
Just found out watermelons are 92% water......
In completely unrelated news, I'm never eating another k**....
I just sneezed while eating alphabet soup...
...took the words right out of my mouth.
"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking w**...?"
"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"
My lesbian GF and I s**... at saving
Guess we need to stop eating out
One day, Obi-Wan and Luke visit a Chinese restaurant...
Obi-Wan is eating normally, but Luke is having so much trouble with the chopsticks he's spilling the food all over the table.
Eventually, Obi-Wan becomes angry and says, "Use the forks, Luke!"
My three favourite things
My 3 favourite things are eating my family and not using commas
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?
I said, Why would I want two empty glasses?
It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.
Especially if you don't know her and she doesn't know that you're eating her popcorn.
Saw a falcon eating avocado toast.
Guess it's a millennial falcon.
Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,
the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"
Two goats were behind a Hollywood movie studio eating an old movie film.
One goat said to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat said, "Yeah, but not as good as the book".
Eating popcorn is hella gay....
.....you're just swallowing a busted nut.
You order one pizza
You love it.
Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.
Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.
That's the domino effect.
Just pooped my pants.
Which is weird, because I don't even remember eating them.
A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.
The teacher says, "What's this?"
The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."
The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"
The kid says, "The cow ate it all."
"Ok, then where's the cow?"
"It left because there was no more grass."
SMS
I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.
One says, "Does this taste funny?".
The other says, "No".
I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far.
This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.
I'm 95% vegan now...
Basically, I'm vegan all the time. Except when I'm eating
A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.
It's the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.
My wife crashed our car this morning.
When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.
The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.
A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.
"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."
"Why?" her son replied.
"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"
The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy.
The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."
