Entertaining Eat Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?
BAMBOOM!
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had m**... to keep my mind off of the sweet little b**....
A man is on trial for cannibalism
A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,
"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."
Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat
Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D
Why did 7 eat 9?
Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day
I'm sorry
You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?
Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
Men think about s**... every 7 seconds...
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.
"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...
And therefore my client is an innocent man!"
You can explore eat food reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean eat snack dad jokes. There are also eat puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
What's the difference between a pizza and a hippy chick?
You don't peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.
He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16
(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.
When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.
Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve n**...".
Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my d**... cheeseburger".
TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Did you know it's impossible to eat baklava underground?
Because then it's bakmagma
Mama, is this safe to eat?
No honey... it's for storing our valuables.
A new law
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."
My 7 year old organically made this up!
Super Bowl halftime show, watching with my wife and boys, wife says The halftime show is a bunch of rappers from the 80's and 90's, including Eminem, I really like him.
7 year old: Mn'Ms are good, but I like Skittles better
Wife: Not the candies silly, the rapper!
7 year old: Why would you just eat the wrappers!?
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat.
What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog s**... on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and e**... vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vendor...
"Make me one with everything."
So the hotdog vendor makes him a hotdog with every topping, and the Buddhist hands him a twenty. He proceeds to eat the hotdog, but gets no change for his twenty dollar bill. He says, "Hey, where's my change?"
The hotdog vendor replies, "Change comes only from within."
(Courtesy of my fifty year old husband, who cant go five hecking minutes without making a dad joke)
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
"When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat..."
the vowels."
Friend: "Why?"
Me: "Sometimes."
They say you are what you eat...
today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.
Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes
"Let's eat punctuation"
Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.
Me: Can I eat sugar instead?
Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.
What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??
You gonna eat that?
My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often
Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.
These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says " I can't stand my mother in law".
The other says " so , just eat the potatoes".
After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.
"Can I ask you something?" I said.
"Certainly," he replied.
I said, "Why did you just e**... food?"
"Uniformed police eat free you say?"
"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes.
What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?
^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke
My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?
A dog, dogs eat meat
I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty."
I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"
To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
My son asked me, Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge? I smiled and said, Sure..."
"But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.
A hero comes to a village...
The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our v**... girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.
What do British nuclear engineers eat?
Fission chips.
Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.
Example:
I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"
The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."
I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..
but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.
A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....
So she says to her baby
_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her
10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_
5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells
_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_
Give a man an egg and he'll eat for a day
Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you're taking science too far.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?
One if nobody's looking.
Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.
He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?
They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.
(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.
As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't see what's wrong with sharing a good joke for others to enjoy. :/
2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,
''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were talking.
The Chinese man is proudly telling the Jewish man about his heritage. We can trace our history back for over 3,000 years, he exclaims with pride!
We'll, that's very impressive, replies the Jewish man, but our history goes back for almost 6,000 years!
The Chinese man, after some consideration, says to the Jewish man, Well, that doesn't make any sense. What did you people eat back then?
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.
Cr
Chocolate is bad
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business.
A farmer had three daughters...
and each was going on a date one Friday night.
The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
Betty left with Freddy.
The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"
Flo left with Joe.
The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"
The farmer shot chuck.
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.
It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit.
The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.
The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
Why did the kid eat his homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew
What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat?
Uncle Bens rice.
Nudist colony
Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.
Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A- The one who can eat the last donut.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime
Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
You know how sometimes...
You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you?
Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.
What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?
A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.
Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?
Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...
We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?
Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.
I'm so hungry I could e**... watch.
But that would be time consuming
Officer, if you are what you eat...
Then I'm an innocent man.
The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant
A few minutes later, the dinner was served.
Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.
Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.
How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask?
He's force fed.
When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...
It's a good thing my brother told me about it
People who eat Tide Pods are idiots.
The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.
I just had a physical. The doctor said: Don't eat anything fatty.
I said, Like bacon and burgers?
He said, No fatty, don't eat anything!
A "large" man is seated at a restaurant and the waiter brings an enormous steak.
A friend of the man walks by and says "Surely you're not going to eat that monstrosity alone!"
The man says, "Of course not! I also ordered mashed potatoes."
People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?
constipated
My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."
Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.
Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious.
Now, we all know that Mahatma Gandhi didn't wear shoes when he walked, so he had rather large calluses on his feet. He also did not eat much, making him rather frail, and due to his diet, his breath was unpleasant, to say the least.
He was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin
Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
The use of capitals can really change the meaning of a sentence
Example:
I like to eat candy
I like to eat capitals
Bill Gates Goes Fishing
Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.
"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.
Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.
The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"
Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"
United States
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't e**... ears!"
"My mask will fall off!"
(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)
I caught my sister m**... with a carrot
I was annoyed because I was gonna eat that later...
And now it's gonna taste like carrot....
Why do French people eat snails?
Because they don't like fast food.
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his t**... and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
