Eat Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

Two men are drinking in a bar

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

A man is on trial for cannibalism

A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,

"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."

Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D

EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D

Why did 7 eat 9?

Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day

I'm sorry

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

Men think about sex every 7 seconds...

Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.

6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

What's the difference between a pizza and a hippy chick?

You don't peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

Trump 20:16

TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

They say you are what you eat...

today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"

Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.

Me: Can I eat sugar instead?

Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

I'll see myself out.

What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??

You gonna eat that?

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

"Uniformed police eat free you say?"

"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?

A dog, dogs eat meat

I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty."

I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"

To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "

A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

What do British nuclear engineers eat?

Fission chips.

Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas.

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.

Give a man an egg and he'll eat for a day

Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you're taking science too far.

How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.

He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

Cr

Chocolate is bad

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Guy: No, minding his own business.

A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.

The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

Betty left with Freddy.

The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"

Flo left with Joe.

The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"

The farmer shot chuck.

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat?

Uncle Bens rice.

Nudist colony

Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.

Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A- The one who can eat the last donut.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime

Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

You know how sometimes...

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you? 

Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.

I'm so hungry I could eat my watch.

But that would be time consuming

Officer, if you are what you eat...

Then I'm an innocent man.

The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served.

Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.

Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.

Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.

How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask?

He's force fed.

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It's a good thing my brother told me about it

6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8 ,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

People who eat Tide Pods are idiots.

The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

I just had a physical. The doctor said: Don't eat anything fatty.

I said, Like bacon and burgers?

He said, No fatty, don't eat anything!

I just came back from the doctor's.

He said: Don't eat anything fatty

What, like bacon and burgers?

He said, No fatty, don't eat anything.

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin

Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.

The use of capitals can really change the meaning of a sentence

Example:

I like to eat candy

I like to eat capitals

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.

The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"

Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot

I was annoyed because I was gonna eat that later...

And now it's gonna taste like carrot....

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.

Why wouldn't the anti-vaxxers child eat his broccoli?

He's dead

A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...

Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.

Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.

Man : By eating chocolate?

Boy : No. By minding his own business.

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because he isn't real.

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

What happens when you eat beans with onions?

Tear gas!

(Written by my 9 yr old son)

A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...

The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:

"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."

The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"

To which the man responds:

"Man, that's exactly what I did!"


(A joke originally told to me by my grandfather in Urdu)

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day.

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.

the cannibal said in his trial - If I am what I eat..."

"Then I'm an innocent man"

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day

Give a woman a fish and you're 'that weird fish guy.'

People in the U.S. eat more bananas than monkeys.

In 2016, they ate 73,432,384 bananas,
and only ate 6 monkeys.

I made a chicken salad this morning

Stupid thing won't even eat it.

What do people with huge penises eat for breakfast?

Well, I had toast.

Why are Chinese kids so good at math?

Because their dog doesn't eat their homework

Condom expiration dates are a little misleading

because I get sick no matter when I eat them.

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.

She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, " I want a man that"s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " Liver alone, cheese mine!!"

Capitalization can really change a sentence.

For example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.

A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Kid: No, minding his own business.

What's the speed limit of sex?

68, because if you go 69 you'll flip over and eat it.

Your honor, I have one last thing to say:

If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

What are the funniest eat jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Eat? Well, here are the best Eat puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Eat pick up lines to share with friends.

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