Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.
The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"
So they swapped sandwiches.
A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,
"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."
Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.
Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D
Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day
I'm sorry
Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
You don't peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it
He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
A synonym roll.
today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.
"Let's eat punctuation"
Me: Can I eat sugar instead?
Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.
Nothing, they fast.
I'll see myself out.
You gonna eat that?
Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.
"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."
A dog, dogs eat meat
I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"
To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.
Fission chips.
Example:
I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas.
The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."
but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.
Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you're taking science too far.
One if nobody's looking.
He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Snowflakes.
Cr
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business.
and each was going on a date one Friday night.
The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
Betty left with Freddy.
The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"
Flo left with Joe.
The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"
The farmer shot chuck.
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew
Uncle Bens rice.
Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.
Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A- The one who can eat the last donut.
Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you?
Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.
Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...
Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.
A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.
But that would be time consuming
Then I'm an innocent man.
A few minutes later, the dinner was served.
Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.
Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.
He's force fed.
It's a good thing my brother told me about it
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.
I said, Like bacon and burgers?
He said, No fatty, don't eat anything!
He said: Don't eat anything fatty
What, like bacon and burgers?
He said, No fatty, don't eat anything.
Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.
Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
Example:
I like to eat candy
I like to eat capitals
Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.
"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.
Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.
The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"
Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
I was annoyed because I was gonna eat that later...
And now it's gonna taste like carrot....
Because they don't like fast food.
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.
He's dead
Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.
Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.
Man : By eating chocolate?
Boy : No. By minding his own business.
Because he isn't real.
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
Tear gas!
(Written by my 9 yr old son)
The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:
"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."
The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"
To which the man responds:
"Man, that's exactly what I did!"
(A joke originally told to me by my grandfather in Urdu)
Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land
Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.
"Then I'm an innocent man"
Give a woman a fish and you're 'that weird fish guy.'
In 2016, they ate 73,432,384 bananas,
and only ate 6 monkeys.
Stupid thing won't even eat it.
Well, I had toast.
Because their dog doesn't eat their homework
because I get sick no matter when I eat them.
She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, " I want a man that"s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " Liver alone, cheese mine!!"
For example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Kid: No, minding his own business.
68, because if you go 69 you'll flip over and eat it.
If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.
I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.
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